Husband has left but is very angry and I don’t understand

[Gardenerboo]

Hi there,
things have been rocky for a while in my marriage. Husband decided to leave which is actually totally fine.

I’ve been calm, rational, factual, respectful. However, he is off-the-chart angry, honestly verging on rage and I’m baffled. He called it quits but either of us could have done, I guess I’ve just wanted to try to make everything ok. Something you can’t.

There has been no drama, he’s moved to his Mum’s. He won’t communicate in any way (talk, text, email) and I’m not pressuring him to. But we have 2 children and will need to communicate at some point.

I’m giving him space and doing everything with the children but the rage is hard to understand.

any insights gratefully received!

thank you

I imagine you aren’t devastated enough for his liking

I agree with others: he's pissed off that you're not begging for him to come back, for coping without him.

Sounds like you're making the right decision to just carry on and breathe freely now that he's left.

Get a good solicitor though. That kind of anger is likely to try to cause you problems when you start going legal.

I wouldn’t waste energy trying to work out they why’s and wherefores of his emotions.

communicate on writing about the children so if he goes to court and tries to accuse you of withholding contact with the children you have written evidence you offered and he refused.

create an email just for communicating matters regarding the children to him.

and find yourself a good family solicitor and get your ducks in a row. He’s not going to be reasonable.

Get the locks changed and get a Ring doorbell. If he was already abusive the him being angry could become dangerous to you and the girls

If his names are on the deeds of the house I don’t think he can be legally kept out of the house. Check with a solicitor OP before you do anything.

but you can get a deadbolt installed inside the front (& back) door of the house for security. And always put the security chain on as well.

My EXH was like this and now doesn’t see the kids at all. His rage was awful and he was very unpredictable and unreasonable, so his refusal to “help” me culminated in him just not seeing them to the point of it going on too long now and if he popped up I’d tell him to go via the courts.

He was so scared of anything benefiting me that he didn’t see them just to spite me, and it also helped his narrative of me being the bitch. I’m not saying that will happen here, but nothing surprises me anymore from emotionally stunted exes. All my friends’ exes have behaved abominably and not in line with their day to day characters at all.

Your EXH sounds like a narcissist - they see children as pawns and do not want to enjoy relationships with them for the sake of enjoying that relationship on its own merit. The fact that he hasn’t jumped at the chance of having his kids purely because it’s a work thing for you speaks volumes.

Oh and keep WhatsApps etc keep downloading and sending yourself the transcripts for when he really turns. Don’t call him anymore, do everything in writing whether that’s WhatsApp or email.

It would be a really good idea to only communicate in writing, because you will have something to show those friends and family members who think he's a nice guy. Whenever you message him, don't be a pleaser, just be calm and factual. Remember people will see your messages, too.

Sounds like you should be throwing a party, not wasting energy thinking about why he's angry!

Any chance he’s having an affair? Men who do often have to make their ex The Baddie to justify their behaviour. They don’t want to be That Guy. Even if not I still think that’s a common dynamic. He’s left his family, people will want to know why. Easier if you’re the bad one, who was too unreasonable for him to remain married to. Lots of sympathy and emotional strokes for a poor well meaning guy whose wife was a horror.

I cannot wait until you blow his cover and tell people exactly what he’s really like.

What a prick.

He'll be making everything your fault to anyone who'll listen

• you threw him out
• you don't let the children see him
• you won't let him collect his stuff from the house

Etc etc Use the time wisely and get all the info for a divorce together and get a solicitor Set up an email account just for him and (if necessary) write to him & his parents

" As you've cut me off via all means of communication I've set up this email for you to use to contact me
I want to establish a regular routine of you spending time with our children as they miss you. The breakdown of our relationship should not adversely affect them. I am happy to discuss how 50/50 contact will work"

It shows you to be reasonable, that your not including the kids in your relationship & that you are open to contact

It's highly unlikely he'll go for 50/50, very few men do, despite their threats.

Good luck

Use one of the court approved co-parenting apps.

Get is bad language and refusal to have them court admissible.

A friend of mine had this from her ex. The ex cheated and left. No children involved but mutual friends possibly let him know how she was doing. She started dating and quickly met her now DH. She kept the house as she was the higher earner and could afford it. She got a promotion. He was enraged by it - couldn’t handle the fact that she moved on and was living a good life.

He sounds he has always been like a child in the relationship. And now that his relationship hasn't worked out, he is throwing a childish tantrum. Also is he very image conscious? Maybe he hates that people will know his marriage is over and see him as a failure and gossip about him

Sounds like his ego is damaged! See ya!

I agree with PP, make sure you cover your back and prove that you offered contact with your daughters multiple times and he rejected this because he will likely twist everything to make you the bad guy

He is raging because he wants you begging him back. The fact that you have agreed to break and you keeping yourself well and not losing your temper makes him think he wasn't the catch he thought he was. Now is feeling guilty and bad. In a while everything will be your fault and he will think you pushed him on the verge to break because that what you wanted. Be ready for more tantrums.
He seems very immature and doesn't matter what you do, you are going to be always in the wrong for a while.
Don't pay attention to him that is what he wants.

The male ego is very fragile and it's been dented. You are the handy one to blame.

Communicate via email or record your call. He will be telling everyone a different story.

He's angry so that he can write his own narrative to make you to blame for this.

He's angry with you. For him to be angry with you, you must have done something wrong. Your wrong doing is why the relationship ended. So you are to blame for this.

He's doubly angry because you do not acknowledge that you are entirely to blame for this and aren't devastated and begging him to come back.

This is all typical thinking for a narcissist. And it's typical for them to be very charming with everyone else as they crave praise and adoration.

A so-called adult having a tantrum. Ignoring it is the best way to handle it.

He's angry because

You didn't stop him.
You never begged for him to come back.
You seem calm.
You seem able to cope.
You aren't crying.
You aren't sending multiple texts pleading, telling him you will change, that it's all your fault.

But mostly...you didn't stop him,

It sounds like you’ve completely emotionally checked out of the relationship and he’s still really invested.

Of course no one can really know what’s making him angry without asking him, and having so little insight into your relationship but the things that spring to mind for me:

• Maybe when he left he was hoping for a reaction from you - that you’d realise you don’t want to lose him and it would trigger a fresh start. He’s angry that you care so little and don’t really have the will to fight for him?

• If the relationship hasn’t been working for a while there’s probably been a built up of resentment. Maybe he’s been suppressing a lot of anger while trying to make things work and now it’s all spilling out? What was the last straw that actually triggered him to leave? Whatever it was probably represents so much more for him about what’s gone wrong in your relationship.

I couldn't say it better. 100% agree.

Maybe he thought he had an alternate address /life to go to and now he hasn't...
OW