OW encroaching

[Trifleguzzler]

Hi all,
I haven't posted for ages but need some advice on this as I don't know what to do.
Bit of background, H left me for a much younger woman 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to heal from the trauma of it all. I was left to raise two SEN children totally alone while he shacked up with a girl half his age.

I didn't make anything difficult for him I cracked on best I could even though I was utterly devastated and was deeply depressed for quite a while. It was all very traumatic. Did the whole of lockdown totally alone, WFH full time and homeschooling.

Anyway, I have never met her. I keep them both at a distance and my children see him and her every other weekend.

My daughter has really struggled with the break up, along with starting secondary school ASD diagnosis. She was in a really bad way last year I honestly thought she would do something bad to herself. It has taken all my fight to get her on an even keel and she is finally at the end of year 8 doing okay.

Anyway, OW was sacked from her job 18 months ago, I don't know why but I didn't ask. And has been unemployed since, so I have been managing without any extra from Ex as he has been bank rolling her for the entire time.
She has now decided she is going to train as a teacher.
I found out last night she is doing it at my DD secondary school.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all mainly 'cause it feels like my terf as silly as that sounds, but I am quite involved with the school regarding my own job etc.
What also worries me is what information she will have access about me and my DD who has had intervention and counselling at school due to the divorce and OW situation.

I know I probably can't do anything about this. But I feel like she infiltrated my marriage and family and now she is working her way into the school life. She might end up teaching my friends kids and possibly my DS when he goes next year.

I just want to get on with my life and not have to worry about bumping into her on a daily basis while I collect my DS from the primary next door.

Anyway not sure what I am asking just needed to get it off my chest.

This. Report to the Safeguarding Lead in writing. Don't be emotional but do mention the cocaine use and physical. Be clear that you do not wish the new partner to be able to access any details of your DD's health support and issues. Perhaps request a meeting on what data will and can be shared, and what wont be. It is a difficult situation for you clearly but also the school. They have to be careful that one trainee is not treated differently to others.

But please be aware. Cultures in schools differ enormously. My current school has a very open culture in that all staff have access to know many details about each student and contact. (Not safeguarding issues). That would include trainee teaching staff - they after all taking full classes and need to know PP, SEN, etc. My previous school had a very different approach.

In my own situation - DC with SEN, divorce, independent schools. The schools prioritised the bill-payer's wishes. I do believe my own personal details were not shared, but of course anything relating to the DC was.

“Beacon of Light” - fucks sake - she probably thinks that she can bring her own experience and issues to the school to enlighten and uplift the lives of her students. She going to eaten alive!

@Trifleguzzler wow I can't believe the utter nerve of your ex and her!

I worked in different sectors with children and teenagers including a stint in a school and I also worked with incredibly vulnerable teenagers and children at risk of and had been abused previously, I can assure you that OW will not have any access to information your DD has disclosed to her counsellor the only people who are told are those who work with that child closely and even then they are told only what they NEED to know not all the facts. The only time a full disclosure is ever done is when its a Safeguarding risk because any and all information could be relevant.

I would advise you have a chat with the headteacher and disclose to them who the OW is and the self harm incident because quite frankly OW should not be around children epecially vulnerable and impressionable teenagers. The head is bound by confidentiality including when parents make disclosures so the head can't even reveal to OW exactly how much she knows about her and the home situation. The head can then put things in place to ensure yours and your dd confidentiality is maintained.

I agree with other posters I doubt very much OW will last long if she's "so delicate". I did it for 12 years and I have a serious mental health conditon but a tough mentality and I left the sector because its extremely stressful and the pressure can intense. Teenagers can be brutal and they can smell fear and weakness like lionesses they'll eat her alive when word gets round among the kids and I doubt the teachers will take to her either she sounds like hard work and they won't have the time nor the patience to babysit her and hold her hand through it all.

Once you've spoken to the head and made things clear sit back and let it play out, let OW show her hand I find that gives me a better idea of how to handle things. If she tries to speak to you at school just brush her off calmly and if ex says anything simply reply "I am not discussing this" you can't control their actions but you can control how you react and respond to it.

I don't think school authorities are concerned with the marital faithfulness of their staff. What action would you expect them to take, exactly?

Taking glee in people's self harm scars is utterly vicious. This thread has turned from supportive to hateful.

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 I think that's my main concern that mine and DDs confidentiality is kept. I don't even want her having access to my details such as phone number etc.

@MorrisZapp where was the glee in self harm scars? I didn’t see that/those posts.

There’s no glee. You’ve projected that.

someone getting involved with a married family man is not really someone with good morals/ethics and not someone I want educating my children. Then she goes and apply for a job in the same school teaching those kids she broke their family? Her actions indicate she doesn't give a toss. I understand why the OP is royally pissed off.

Sweet Lord Jesus why are you needing to be nice about it all OP? Man, stuff these two, I would move town and get some sanity.

No employer or higher power is tasked with keeping men faithful. It's up to men themselves. With respect, some of the advice here would make the op look unhinged.

Her main concern is confidentiality, which numerous posters have been able to assure her should not be an issue at all.

Only on MN would anyone expect a woman to be denied education or employment because when she was 24 and vulnerable an older man preyed on her (as OP explained is the case). His marriage vows are entirely his own responsibility, not hers or any authority's.

Posters with self harm scars are always told on here that they should not hide them, or apologise for them. I suspect its illegal to discriminate against people with scars but an employment specialist will know more than me.

Oh come off it. I have self harm scars, I don't hide them but I don't show them off either. I certainly wouldn't be talking about them and showing them to a girl with poor mental health and autism. If a kid asks me about them I make something up. Adults mostly ignore them.

Why would I move town? this is my home.

Self harm has an element of social contagion. Like suicide. So someone having scars from historical self harm shouldn’t be denied the chance to take up teacher training but showing them to a teen with current mental health difficulties and talking about it is a terrible idea. Naively OW might not know that, but if she’s going to teach in a secondary school she fucking well should and it’s a sign that this job is either going to be a massive adjustment for her or a disaster of flaming ball of shit proportions.

Expecting secondary school teachers not to display self harm scars and to not discuss them with students is more like how newspapers have very strict rules on reporting suicides rather than a case of employment discrimination.

@MorrisZapp oh come on, you can be as vulnerable as you like but at 24 you are plenty old enough to know that hooking up with a married father is immoral. This isn't an ugly one night stand with a random or a short-lived good for nothing bf. It's a long-term serious relationship with a married man. It is quite possible for both the adulterer and the OW to be in the wrong and it is quite possible to judge both negatively.

Teachers and trainees would never get access to students’ personal records.

Agree with the others. She’ll implode in her own good time. In the meanwhile take sine comfort in the fact that your drop kick ex is much worse off financially by being with her and as much as covid was hard, you don’t have a pathetic adult as another responsibility.

@Trifleguzzler She won't be able to have access to your phone number or other personal details there is no reason why she should have that and if she did gain access she can be dimissed for doing so. You can also make it clear to the head that what you're telling her is to be kept in the strictest confidence. She would probably have to tell teachers or the school counsellor who work with your daughter that OW is your ex's partner and they are not to disclose any of your or dd information that would be all she can't tell them anything you have said unless its safeguarding and disclosures are only made to whomever needs to know and it is still done privately not to all and sundry and normally you will be told in advance that a disclosure will have to be made so you can be prepared and ready.

OW if she does ask or try to gain information from others will be reminded of confidentiality and GDPR in fact OW will probably have to sign a confidentially agreement and she will be made aware of the importance of maintaining it at all times its drummed into you during training so any breach is taken seriously.

She has no legitimate reason to be given access and if she did so on behalf of your ex that is abuse of her position the school will terminate her placement and they will report it to her course tutor or the lead.

Also she will have to have a DBS check and if you lie in any way on that there will be consequences. As part of the vetting process you are also questioned and have to sign a form to say that you or anyone in your household to your knowledge is not banned from working or being around children and that includes domestic abusers so if your ex has any record of being abusive to you and she lies and is caught out her career is over before its started.

OP have you sought counselling post separation? There are a lot of mean and borderline evil posts on this thread.

You mention you're 'past it all', but it doesn't come across like it.

My mum was a teacher. She could go into the office (pre-internet) and request to see any kid’s records and I’m sure they wouldn’t have hesitated to show her. Of course, that would’ve been several years after she was well established at the school.

It wouldn’t hurt to call the head teacher and explain your situation and your discomfort with the OW seeing your kids’ private records. Maybe they could flag them or something? Worth a try. Anything is worth a try.
I’m not sure how much access the OW will have, but I don’t think I’d take the chance of waiting to find out.

I’m sorry, @Trifleguzzler- I know you don’t need this shite.

Oh OP, this is going to be so fun for you to watch 😂

Think of it as karma. She's going to get her arse handed to her. Get some 🍿 and enjoy a front row seat.

@Darkandstormynite nailed it. That's exactly what I'd do and enjoy every second of it

This is a terrible idea

If the school use SIMs then the OW quite possibly will have access to all students details. I could, if I wanted, look up any student on roll, whether I teach them or not, and find out who their parents are, if they have have any siblings in school, addresses, all phone numbers and email addresses on file, dietary requirements etc. If she's doing a 2 year course, I'd put money on it being a salaried route which means she'd very quickly have access to all this information. And she's unlikely to be dismissed for looking up this info - schools don't have the same rules as the NHS.
She wouldn't have info surrounding confidential stuff, like the support she's been getting, but the 'basic' info like numbers and addresses, everyone who has a username and password for SIMs will be able to access

@WibblyWobblyLane is correct

All our trainees have basic access to electronic student records (name, address, contact details for parents, timetables, if they are eligible for FSM, pupil premium, SEN)

There is no way to stop anyone with that access from accessing a particular student in any system. If that is a concern then speak to the head. Sooner rather than later - I e. before the end of term.

Hi yes I did, I am totally over him as a marriage/husband. Couldn't give a toss about him. But I agree I am not totally over what he did to me and the kids.
My DS who is now 10 slept in my bed for years because he was terrified I was going to up and leave in the middle of the night. (Ex left me while they were asleep so they woke upto him gone)
The whole family went through a lot of trauma, two Autistic kids had their world totally turned upside and I was the only one there to support them, it took its toll. But I am in a good place now, I just wish they would both stay out of my life really and I can get on with it.

Urgh this is what makes me so uncomfortable.