OW encroaching

[Trifleguzzler]

Hi all,
I haven't posted for ages but need some advice on this as I don't know what to do.
Bit of background, H left me for a much younger woman 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to heal from the trauma of it all. I was left to raise two SEN children totally alone while he shacked up with a girl half his age.

I didn't make anything difficult for him I cracked on best I could even though I was utterly devastated and was deeply depressed for quite a while. It was all very traumatic. Did the whole of lockdown totally alone, WFH full time and homeschooling.

Anyway, I have never met her. I keep them both at a distance and my children see him and her every other weekend.

My daughter has really struggled with the break up, along with starting secondary school ASD diagnosis. She was in a really bad way last year I honestly thought she would do something bad to herself. It has taken all my fight to get her on an even keel and she is finally at the end of year 8 doing okay.

Anyway, OW was sacked from her job 18 months ago, I don't know why but I didn't ask. And has been unemployed since, so I have been managing without any extra from Ex as he has been bank rolling her for the entire time.
She has now decided she is going to train as a teacher.
I found out last night she is doing it at my DD secondary school.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all mainly 'cause it feels like my terf as silly as that sounds, but I am quite involved with the school regarding my own job etc.
What also worries me is what information she will have access about me and my DD who has had intervention and counselling at school due to the divorce and OW situation.

I know I probably can't do anything about this. But I feel like she infiltrated my marriage and family and now she is working her way into the school life. She might end up teaching my friends kids and possibly my DS when he goes next year.

I just want to get on with my life and not have to worry about bumping into her on a daily basis while I collect my DS from the primary next door.

Anyway not sure what I am asking just needed to get it off my chest.

A town with 20 secondary schools?

Just get ready to watch karma in action…

No she had a very privileged upbringing. Privately educated parents still married etc. She probably thinks this school is going to be all jolly hockey sticks as she hasn't actually experienced a normal comp.

I'm here for the Sep update.

@Trifleguzzler get on to CMS and get all you're due!

FWIW when you train to teach you do multiple placements in different schools (and the school chooses you - you don’t choose them! Just because she wants to do a placement there it doesn’t mean she will be able to) and even then you may not actually end up working in any of them (it really depends on what posts are available at the time)…assuming she makes it through the training. I wouldn’t worry yet.

Yes, this.
The school needs to be aware, and tbh it is something she should have already mentioned to the school.
You could remind them that DD is having counselling because of the breakup and that for her to be in any classes with OW would be detrimental both to her learning and her mental health, and is inappropriate. If the school insists that they will keep her on, you can ask how they intend to manage the situation. If I was the head, I would not happy that this had not mentioned at interview.

Slight exaggeration, there's actually 16 just googled it to make sure. It's a very large Town.

I think having a word with the head and making it absolutely clear that she has no access to what your daughter discloses, and that it would be better if she has no contact with your son, is absolutely fair.
Beyond that, I'd give her the loveliest smile every time I saw her at the school. I suspect she won't last long at all

Completely understand how you’re feeling. Not only was she complicit in stealing your children’s father and your husband away, now she’s infiltrating other areas of your personal life too.
I will never under the mentality of some people, how they can Continue to breathe and sleep easy at night knowing how much they’ve destroyed someone. The only answer I can come up with is the way that they were raised.
I have a family member who’s girlfriend grew up in a single mum household, her father had an affair and took on the OW children and this has unfortunately creeped into her own adult life. She developed a very strong obsession with my husband and even got into the same line of work as him and would pester him constantly to give her a job.
thankfully he was having no part in it, but the weird behaviour was disturbing to say the least.
it seems to me like she wants to almost emulate you.
I don’t think she’ll last. Teachers have to be made of very tough stuff and she doesn’t sound like she’s suitable at all.

OP she has lied/failed to disclose her MH on her application. All trainee teachers have to pass a “fit to teach” check. My friend’s dd has anxiety and because she was open about it on her form she then had to have a GP report and on occupational health interview and report before she was accepted. It was extremely thorough and they asked about any previous self harm, panic attacks, medication etc. I would be very surprised if this woman would have passed that.

I wouldn’t usually use someone’s MH against them but maybe an accidental slip it in to the conversation with the head?

Ah that's interesting, hopefully then she won't be there. I don't know how anybody it works so it's good to get info from people in the know. Thank you.

I didn't realise she would have to be upfront with things like that. But yes obviously you would need to. Something isn't adding up.

This 👍 I would go with the killing them with kindness route. Not sure how long placements last these days, hopefully not to long 🤞

I would write to the Headteacher and express your concerns regarding her and your daughters interactions and access to sensitive material. Make sure you word it properly and state that you would rather she didn’t teach your daughter due to the difficult relationship between them and your concern about accessing her documents.

make sure you word it very professionally and in an emotionally detached way etc

I would be bloody fuming and making a big f---g deal out of this, then let them know I'm going to be talking with the school authorities about someone like her teaching my kids and other peoples kids.

I would not let this go.

And that's the worse part, her (and his) actions utterly destroyed me at the time. I was hanging on by a thread over lockdown while they sat and watched Netflix on furlough, I worked full time from home and home schooled both kids. I didn't see another adult for months.
He didn't see the kids for 5 months.
There is a lot I find triggering about just the thought of bumping into her. It was really traumatic. I am fully over him but not quite what they did.

Your ex is malignant
hes devastated you
clearly he’s impacted your DD given her MH

and he’s targeted a woman who not so long ago was a self harming mentally ill teen

whilst I am sure you hate her blood ! He is not the future her parents would have wanted for her -far from it . If I was her parents I’d be davasted she’s ended up with him

and now he’s coercing (maybe ?) her to train in a renowned school with kids with challenges

sounds like of all the women he’s harmed you are the furthest ahead 💪
sounds like the less your kids see him the better

proper nasty cunt he is
you are well rid

It’s shocking how this pair of vile creatures are determined to impact your DD’s school life and your life, adding massive insult to injury. They are shameless.

it sounds like your children don’t want to visit him - are they old enough to make the decision to stop, go less frequently or avoid overnights? Does he ever spend any quality time with them without OW?

Asking the children to hide things from you? He sounds emotionally and financially abusive and I’d want them with him as little as possible.

You say he has refused to pay for extras but still pays ‘basic’ maintenance. Is this via a private arrangement or CMS? If the former and you think CMS would be more realistic then please don’t hesitate to pick up via CMS.

Re how long her placement is there. I’ve seen banners on local academy schools advertising you can train through them, so I’m guessing it’s this sort of set up where you do it through their trust, a bit like an apprenticeship

1. She probably be so busy that she’ll have no time to meddle/nosey around. Students work their socks off.
2. If you have worries, and trust the school, you could see pastoral support staff. (Without her, your ex or your child knowing)
3. I can quite understand your worries, anger and upset but it’ll probably come to nothing.

All the best.

The kids are okay with visiting him now, mainly because they know I need the break, but it is through gritted teeth.
He has them two night per month, so it's not a lot. He never takes leave to cover school holidays or anything, whereas as evey hours of my annual leave is used as childcare. I think my DD won't go for much longer as she us a young teen and wants to hang out with her pals at the weekends.
He has not spent any time with them without her since he left. They are desperate for it and he just refuses.
I have been going round the houses with it for years now. My DS doesn't mind going as apparently she just ignores them mostly when they are there, she just sits on her phone.
I need to look at getting maintenance more fixed. He has never not paid it. But it's just other stuff he hasn't put his hand in his pocket for.

Yes I totally agree, I am all for people being able to speak openly about mental health. I have suffered with Anxiety and depression a lot through my adult life so I am not totally unempathetic. She has a lot of scars, her legs are totally covered. She told my DD about it and not long agter my DD started to self harm. It was very superficial but she was cutting.
I spoke to ex at the time and said this self harm chat needed to stop but as usual I got hushed and told I was bitter and twisted and she was trying to help. She is very immature. She went from her parents to uni to moving in with my ex. A matter a weeks after he left the family home. He's probably promised her the world and she's stupid enough to believe it.

Schoolkids can smell a trainee teacher at 100 paces. They will always try it on, and a lot of the little sods will do it deliberately to try and break the newbie. They know the trainee is likely to be nervous and not able yet to control a class. She doesn't stand a chance, I certainly don't give her more than two weeks and it might not even be two days.

For that reason if I were you, if you're going to talk to anyone please make sure it won't go any further (eg if you talk to the head). Or don't say anything and leave her to fall over. She's going to crumble very quickly, don't give her and exH any chance of blaming you.

I like the fact that she's doing drama, not because it seems so apt but because it is by definition a subject where the students are moving about and talking and therefore it's much more difficult to maintain discipline. It's not even like a maths class where they should be sitting at their desks.

I am so well rid, and I don't look back at all.
He needs to be needed so all she had to do was fawn over him and his head was turned. 18 years down the drain.
I am pretty sure he has fed her a load of lies like he did with me. She doesn't know he tried to come back 6 months into them moving in together. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

I have currently asked to speak to my DDs counsellor mainly so she knows whats coming next year. Hopefully I can get a call next week.
Yeah they will rip her to shreads at that place, she isn't strong enough to deal with the crap she will get from them.