Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW encroaching

222 replies

Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 13:33

Hi all,
I haven't posted for ages but need some advice on this as I don't know what to do.
Bit of background, H left me for a much younger woman 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to heal from the trauma of it all. I was left to raise two SEN children totally alone while he shacked up with a girl half his age.

I didn't make anything difficult for him I cracked on best I could even though I was utterly devastated and was deeply depressed for quite a while. It was all very traumatic. Did the whole of lockdown totally alone, WFH full time and homeschooling.

Anyway, I have never met her. I keep them both at a distance and my children see him and her every other weekend.

My daughter has really struggled with the break up, along with starting secondary school ASD diagnosis. She was in a really bad way last year I honestly thought she would do something bad to herself. It has taken all my fight to get her on an even keel and she is finally at the end of year 8 doing okay.

Anyway, OW was sacked from her job 18 months ago, I don't know why but I didn't ask. And has been unemployed since, so I have been managing without any extra from Ex as he has been bank rolling her for the entire time.
She has now decided she is going to train as a teacher.
I found out last night she is doing it at my DD secondary school.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all mainly 'cause it feels like my terf as silly as that sounds, but I am quite involved with the school regarding my own job etc.
What also worries me is what information she will have access about me and my DD who has had intervention and counselling at school due to the divorce and OW situation.

I know I probably can't do anything about this. But I feel like she infiltrated my marriage and family and now she is working her way into the school life. She might end up teaching my friends kids and possibly my DS when he goes next year.

I just want to get on with my life and not have to worry about bumping into her on a daily basis while I collect my DS from the primary next door.

Anyway not sure what I am asking just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:48

HamBone · 15/07/2023 14:45

All my ex says is that she is vulnerable and has mental health issues. The kids have reported back that she has frequent panic attacks when they are out on days out. So she obviously has anxiety she speaks openly about it to DD and has even shown her her self harm scars.

Oh ffs, what on earth is she doing going into a stressful job like teaching? I’m from a family of teachers ( not one myself) and you need to be tough. Not that it’s your concern, but I doubt she’ll last long on the placement.

Yes same, I have 4 teachers in my family and they say how difficult it is. She is very delicate from what I have heard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:50

ILoveBostonTerriers · 15/07/2023 14:43

When I was doing teacher training, before they arranged my placement they asked me if there were any schools I didn’t want to be placed to due to existing connections. I’m surprised they didn’t ask her, or maybe they did and she didn’t say? I totally understand you feeling like she is encroaching on you though, I think I’d hate it too

This is what I am wondering. It's different if she didn't get a choice. But if she has specifically chosen my DDs school. She isn't putting DDs needs first at all.

OP posts:
Lwrenagain · 15/07/2023 14:55

Is DD likely to be telling her friends her relationship with OW? I can't imagine why the fuck OW would want to go into a class full of kids to be asked, "miss, are you a homeworker?" Etc, kids are brutal, they'll terrorise her for this.
She must really not have considered this.
We had a teacher once who was pregnant after every maternity leave and a kid once said, "nice to see you with your legs closed miss", kids are savage when they think they've got a joke at the teachers expense.
She is deluded.

VariantHela · 15/07/2023 14:56

OP...you're a saint aren't you? Your dickhead ex leaves you, you crack on..he doesn't pay his way for his children. You could raise merry hell but you don't. You're a better person than me x

Mummy08m · 15/07/2023 14:56

I know this is just one of the issues you mentioned but I wanted to reassure you that a school counsellor never shares details learnt in counselling with a kid's other teachers, except urgent safeguarding issues and then only to a safeguarding lead. Your daughter's maths teacher, trainee French teacher, even form tutor will never learn what she is saying to the counsellor. Please reassure your DD about this.

Secondly (I know a pp has touched on this) you should know that trainee teachers have no clout or influence in a school. They aren't privy to pastoral conversations unless directly responsible (eg have been placed as an assistant form tutor). Teachers do sadly occasionally gossip about students but very rarely to a trainee: trainees are sort of endured rather than welcomed by colleagues. (It's not necessarily a good thing but it's true in every school I've been in).

Particularly if the OW is a bit volatile as you describe, she will not be winning confidences from your dd's teachers. We teachers can spot unsuitable trainees within seconds and we stop investing because we know they'll quit. So OW likely won't even be making friends among the staff

Silvered · 15/07/2023 14:59

I think it's absolutely fair to approach the school and ask for their support in keeping clear boundaries, given the impact that your Ex's affair with this woman has had on your DD's well-being.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:01

Lwrenagain · 15/07/2023 14:55

Is DD likely to be telling her friends her relationship with OW? I can't imagine why the fuck OW would want to go into a class full of kids to be asked, "miss, are you a homeworker?" Etc, kids are brutal, they'll terrorise her for this.
She must really not have considered this.
We had a teacher once who was pregnant after every maternity leave and a kid once said, "nice to see you with your legs closed miss", kids are savage when they think they've got a joke at the teachers expense.
She is deluded.

And this is another thing that concerned me. My DD has been very vocal about her Dad's affair tried to keep it a secret but she isn't an idiot and knows she was the OW. But all her friends know she openly speaks about it with her counsellor and I think she has already told her group of friends that she is starting in Sep. It's going to be so awkward.

OP posts:
AHugeTinyMistake · 15/07/2023 15:03

She won't last five minutes in teacher training if she can't handle a normal 9-5

Secondary kids can be lovely but they can also be total arseholes

On top of that the workload is a LOT and she will be working evenings & weekends just to keep on top of assignments & planning

Keep your powder dry OP because I don't think you have much to worry about.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:03

Mummy08m · 15/07/2023 14:56

I know this is just one of the issues you mentioned but I wanted to reassure you that a school counsellor never shares details learnt in counselling with a kid's other teachers, except urgent safeguarding issues and then only to a safeguarding lead. Your daughter's maths teacher, trainee French teacher, even form tutor will never learn what she is saying to the counsellor. Please reassure your DD about this.

Secondly (I know a pp has touched on this) you should know that trainee teachers have no clout or influence in a school. They aren't privy to pastoral conversations unless directly responsible (eg have been placed as an assistant form tutor). Teachers do sadly occasionally gossip about students but very rarely to a trainee: trainees are sort of endured rather than welcomed by colleagues. (It's not necessarily a good thing but it's true in every school I've been in).

Particularly if the OW is a bit volatile as you describe, she will not be winning confidences from your dd's teachers. We teachers can spot unsuitable trainees within seconds and we stop investing because we know they'll quit. So OW likely won't even be making friends among the staff

Thank you for this that is reassuring. Its just such an odd situation to be in. I thought the affair was bad enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:04

Thank you @AHugeTinyMistake

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:06

VariantHela · 15/07/2023 14:56

OP...you're a saint aren't you? Your dickhead ex leaves you, you crack on..he doesn't pay his way for his children. You could raise merry hell but you don't. You're a better person than me x

Oh believe me I have had my moments. I have just about been keeping it together for the last 4 years. But have been feeling stronger. When I raised my concerns about this to ex he said yeah I knew you would do this. Trying to ruin things for her. I can't win, so I don't bother arguing with him. He's nuts.

OP posts:
Im99912 · 15/07/2023 15:09

“Delicate”. Lol she will last about 30 seconds in a hard comp school and I’m being generous

teens are absolutely feral if they smell weakness

  • even the nicer ones are basically animals in disguise

sit back relax and enjoy the show
buy a few lottery tickets OP you have mire chance of winning the lottery than she has of getting through this

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2023 15:09

Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:47

I know it is totally bat shit. He pays basic payment. But at times he would help out when there were big costs like uniform buying time which can be hundreds, school trips etc. He hasn't helped me with any of that stuff for years because he is paying all the bills and running her car etc. He is now driving around in an old banger because he can't afford his car anymore.

Show quote history

So go through CMS and get what your children are entitled to

Depending on the TT scheme, she might be earning a little bit too

Buildingthefuture · 15/07/2023 15:10

No, she isn’t putting your dds needs first, but, she never has. No one who shags a married person with dc (man or woman) is putting the dcs needs first, no matter what they may tell themselves. She was very young but she still knew the difference between right and wrong. You have put your children first and you will continue to do so. That’s all you can do.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:10

Im99912 · 15/07/2023 15:09

“Delicate”. Lol she will last about 30 seconds in a hard comp school and I’m being generous

teens are absolutely feral if they smell weakness

  • even the nicer ones are basically animals in disguise

sit back relax and enjoy the show
buy a few lottery tickets OP you have mire chance of winning the lottery than she has of getting through this

That's what I said especially Year 7s! 😂

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 15/07/2023 15:10

As there have said OP I would be going through CMS and making sure he pays regardless of what he says.

You can however have a meeting with the head as soon as the schools go back and make it clear there is a personal situation with the OW and request she is never to have access to your DD’s information or be near her classes. The head has a duty of care to your DD and it’s easy enough to make sure they don’t cross paths in a high school.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:12

Buildingthefuture · 15/07/2023 15:10

No, she isn’t putting your dds needs first, but, she never has. No one who shags a married person with dc (man or woman) is putting the dcs needs first, no matter what they may tell themselves. She was very young but she still knew the difference between right and wrong. You have put your children first and you will continue to do so. That’s all you can do.

Yeah can't disagree with that. My ex called me selfish for not letting her have her moment and her "beacon of light" which is ner new job.
I was stunned into silence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:13

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 15/07/2023 15:10

As there have said OP I would be going through CMS and making sure he pays regardless of what he says.

You can however have a meeting with the head as soon as the schools go back and make it clear there is a personal situation with the OW and request she is never to have access to your DD’s information or be near her classes. The head has a duty of care to your DD and it’s easy enough to make sure they don’t cross paths in a high school.

Yes I will do this. I have a good relationship with the head due to my work connections at the school so I can speak openly to her.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 15/07/2023 15:14

I would be letting him know that all DD friends/year group know who she is so he should pre-warn her. For her anxiety's sake. Daft woman.

WibblyWobblyLane · 15/07/2023 15:17
  1. The course will be 2 years not the placement. She has to do her training in at least 2 schools. If she hasn't got a choice in the school, then she is likely doing it through a uni, so I guess her placement will be from like October to December.
  1. Her notes will be under lock and key and on a need to know basis. I bet even her tutor has no knowledge of what was said, let alone a trainee.
  1. If she's that vulnerable, don't kick up a fuss and sit back and watch the kids destroy her for you. She won't survive.
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:18

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 14:25

Sounds like the latest harevbrained scheme fro a hare brained couple.

Hooking up with a married man with two sen kids. What a lovely person she is.

And you ex - choosing a much younger "vulnerable" woman who can't keep a job. And doesn't get on with his kids. He sounds sensible.

If she cant even get on with her partner's kids, why does she think.sjell be any good at dealing with a whole class of a similar age.

He likes them needy. It's right up his street he gets to play the protector then. I wouldnt be surprised if he hasn't encouraged her to apply for thay school knowing it would get under my skin.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:19

WibblyWobblyLane · 15/07/2023 15:17

  1. The course will be 2 years not the placement. She has to do her training in at least 2 schools. If she hasn't got a choice in the school, then she is likely doing it through a uni, so I guess her placement will be from like October to December.
  1. Her notes will be under lock and key and on a need to know basis. I bet even her tutor has no knowledge of what was said, let alone a trainee.
  1. If she's that vulnerable, don't kick up a fuss and sit back and watch the kids destroy her for you. She won't survive.

She is apparently staying in Aug. Not sure if that explains anything. I haven't a clue how it all works.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 15/07/2023 15:22

@CoffeeBeansGalore PGCE is a 1 (school) year route into teaching, course structure is hybrid college and 2x 12 week work based placements, but teach first is another route into teaching where it’s almost entirely work based training and the placement lasts for 2 years in the same school.

Mummy08m · 15/07/2023 15:22

Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 15:12

Yeah can't disagree with that. My ex called me selfish for not letting her have her moment and her "beacon of light" which is ner new job.
I was stunned into silence.

Show quote history

Were those his words? He sounds totally deranged...!

I (almost) feel sorry for her because training as a teacher is really, really tough, at any school. But she has so much against her: at least one girl (and her friendship group) already dislike her. She's vulnerable with mental health problems. She's got an awful DP who you have thankfully got shot of, who us piling pressure on her to find her "beacon of light" new career. Lol!

Don't get me wrong, she sounds awful and sounds like she deserves being taken down a peg. But it might give you some calming schadenfreude to imagine how she must feel going into her first week.

She must be terrified. The kids will ridicule her. The colleagues will be wary of her or ignore her. She'll feel overwhelmed by the day to day tasks. Her mentor/line manager will be exasperated with her. But she won't be able to go home and say to DP "gosh it's so hard, I don't know if it's for me" because he needs her to succeed at this particular school as a weird one-up-manship with his ex...!

Antoninus · 15/07/2023 15:23

Is it Teach First, scitt or Pgce ? The courses are all different. There’ll be at least two placements though plus time in uni