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Original poster

OW encroaching

222 replies

Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 13:33

Hi all,
I haven't posted for ages but need some advice on this as I don't know what to do.
Bit of background, H left me for a much younger woman 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to heal from the trauma of it all. I was left to raise two SEN children totally alone while he shacked up with a girl half his age.

I didn't make anything difficult for him I cracked on best I could even though I was utterly devastated and was deeply depressed for quite a while. It was all very traumatic. Did the whole of lockdown totally alone, WFH full time and homeschooling.

Anyway, I have never met her. I keep them both at a distance and my children see him and her every other weekend.

My daughter has really struggled with the break up, along with starting secondary school ASD diagnosis. She was in a really bad way last year I honestly thought she would do something bad to herself. It has taken all my fight to get her on an even keel and she is finally at the end of year 8 doing okay.

Anyway, OW was sacked from her job 18 months ago, I don't know why but I didn't ask. And has been unemployed since, so I have been managing without any extra from Ex as he has been bank rolling her for the entire time.
She has now decided she is going to train as a teacher.
I found out last night she is doing it at my DD secondary school.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all mainly 'cause it feels like my terf as silly as that sounds, but I am quite involved with the school regarding my own job etc.
What also worries me is what information she will have access about me and my DD who has had intervention and counselling at school due to the divorce and OW situation.

I know I probably can't do anything about this. But I feel like she infiltrated my marriage and family and now she is working her way into the school life. She might end up teaching my friends kids and possibly my DS when he goes next year.

I just want to get on with my life and not have to worry about bumping into her on a daily basis while I collect my DS from the primary next door.

Anyway not sure what I am asking just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:28

Beachhutnut · 15/07/2023 14:25

I would contact the school. Let them know she is ow in breakup of you marriage and ask them not to put her in your Ds's class.

I have asked to speak to the ASD Specialist who is counselling my DD to let her know the situation as for all I know this could totally derail DD. She was suicidal this time last year and it was really really awful. It has taken such a long time to get her right again. She was put onto the ASD pathway last year. My DS is already diagnosed.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/07/2023 14:29

I would actually speak to the school and ask that your child's confidential information remain just that especially if she has been discussing OW in her therapy that's going to make your daughter feel she cannot be open in counselling and (framing it for the school here) no-one wants to see a child has been negative about them to a third party

HamBone · 15/07/2023 14:29

This might be unrealistic, but do you think it’s worth speaking to the head and explaining that your DD has really struggled with the family breakup, that the OW is her Dad’s new partner and she’d prefer not to be in a class taught by the OW? You don’t need to say that she was the OW, just that your DD is still struggling with the breakup.

I’m not a teacher and perhaps this is a daft idea/inappropriate, but your DD’s well-being is your priority. If it’s a large school, it might be possible to place the OW away from your DD during her training.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:30

BlastedPimples · 15/07/2023 14:17

Gosh. She doesn't sound like a good teacher candidate at all. She probably worn last long at placement in your dc's school if she's so "vulnerable."

Exactly what I thought. It's a high pressure job, and the kids in that school are really hard-core. Some gang members (I work with the school as I work in youth work) so I know what she is up against.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:32

HamBone · 15/07/2023 14:29

This might be unrealistic, but do you think it’s worth speaking to the head and explaining that your DD has really struggled with the family breakup, that the OW is her Dad’s new partner and she’d prefer not to be in a class taught by the OW? You don’t need to say that she was the OW, just that your DD is still struggling with the breakup.

I’m not a teacher and perhaps this is a daft idea/inappropriate, but your DD’s well-being is your priority. If it’s a large school, it might be possible to place the OW away from your DD during her training.

Yes I hope so it is a large school so hopefully they won't cross paths. She is apparently only teaching year 7 and DD will be going into year 9. I think it Will mean DD won't be as open though as she will worry about information being shared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:33

Theunamedcat · 15/07/2023 14:29

I would actually speak to the school and ask that your child's confidential information remain just that especially if she has been discussing OW in her therapy that's going to make your daughter feel she cannot be open in counselling and (framing it for the school here) no-one wants to see a child has been negative about them to a third party

I have requested a phonecall before they break up on Thursday so hopefully they will be able to offer some reassurance.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/07/2023 14:34

I think it would be worth having a word with the head or DD's Head of year. Frame it as concerned for DD's wellbeing & safeguarding considering her history. If the head is decent this will not be an issue.

BeverlyHa · 15/07/2023 14:35

oh my goodness. move the kids to another secondary?
contact school officials and share all your concerns , including what your kids say about the mental issues the OW has.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:35

FromNowOn23 · 15/07/2023 14:27

How long is the placement for? Depending on the course it might not be for very long and then she will be off to a placement at another school. If she is literally just training on a first placement I wouldn’t worry too much about what she will see or have access to in a big secondary school.

2 years apparently. Ex says she didn't have a choice in school. I am not sure how true this is or if she has chosen my DD school on purpose. We live in a large Town where there are about 20 secondary schools.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/07/2023 14:36

There is absolutely no circumstance where a trainee teacher (or Teacher In Training if that makes a happier acronym for you 😉) would have access to records like that. I'd be surprised if any teacher does, that kind of stuff is highly confidential.

I can only name a few of DS's many teachers, and I wouldn't recognise any of them in the street. DS probably has trainee teachers on placement but he doesn't mention it.

Lastly the interview process for teacher training is rigorous - somewhere along the line I'm not sure you're being told the whole truth about this woman.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/07/2023 14:36

Course may be 2 years. I've never heard of a 2 year placement in just one school.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:37

BeverlyHa · 15/07/2023 14:35

oh my goodness. move the kids to another secondary?
contact school officials and share all your concerns , including what your kids say about the mental issues the OW has.

I did consider this but I am not sure if that will be worse for DD, she has a great team around her at that school. It's so difficult and not a situation I thought I would be in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:38

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/07/2023 14:36

Course may be 2 years. I've never heard of a 2 year placement in just one school.

Ah okay, do you know how long are placements normally. I don't have a clue how teacher training works these days. It's an academy so might be a bit different? They tend to do their whole training in one school.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/07/2023 14:38

I think @MorrisZapp has summed this up wonderfully.

HamBone · 15/07/2023 14:39

Just saw your updates and I’m so glad that you’ve contacted her counselor. Don’t let this drop with the school, it’s too important for your DD.

Although as PP’s have said, it doesn’t sound as if the OW is teacher material, she probably won’t complete the course.

oaktreeme · 15/07/2023 14:40

The OW will probably meet a nice young teacher and karma will be delivered.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:40

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2023 14:36

There is absolutely no circumstance where a trainee teacher (or Teacher In Training if that makes a happier acronym for you 😉) would have access to records like that. I'd be surprised if any teacher does, that kind of stuff is highly confidential.

I can only name a few of DS's many teachers, and I wouldn't recognise any of them in the street. DS probably has trainee teachers on placement but he doesn't mention it.

Lastly the interview process for teacher training is rigorous - somewhere along the line I'm not sure you're being told the whole truth about this woman.

All my ex says is that she is vulnerable and has mental health issues. The kids have reported back that she has frequent panic attacks when they are out on days out. So she obviously has anxiety she speaks openly about it to DD and has even shown her her self harm scars. Which I am not entirely comfortable with as she is an impressionable young girl.
Glad to know she won't have access to this information that was my main worry.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 15/07/2023 14:41

Ooof! I can see why you are not happy about this. It’s a bit….tone deaf of her and him isn’t it? But it’s more of the same from both of them - selfish. Having worked with challenging teenagers myself (admittedly about a thousand years ago) it really isn’t for the faint of heart. From what you describe of her, she won’t cut it, so hopefully, this will all be a storm in a teacup.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/07/2023 14:41

I'm in Scotland so might be different. The longest I knew of was a 12 week block. We did have one student twice but I think they usually went to different schools for experience.
Probationers have a one year placement.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:42

oaktreeme · 15/07/2023 14:40

The OW will probably meet a nice young teacher and karma will be delivered.

That would be hilarious. Actually no, it would send ex back my way! He already tired to come back as early on it "wasn't working" and I told him to go and make it work because he wasn't f*cking coming back to me. So he did! 😂

OP posts:
Nofreshstarthere22 · 15/07/2023 14:42

What a strange woman she is, vent away. Wtf is ex not paying CS to support her????

ILoveBostonTerriers · 15/07/2023 14:43

When I was doing teacher training, before they arranged my placement they asked me if there were any schools I didn’t want to be placed to due to existing connections. I’m surprised they didn’t ask her, or maybe they did and she didn’t say? I totally understand you feeling like she is encroaching on you though, I think I’d hate it too

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:45

Buildingthefuture · 15/07/2023 14:41

Ooof! I can see why you are not happy about this. It’s a bit….tone deaf of her and him isn’t it? But it’s more of the same from both of them - selfish. Having worked with challenging teenagers myself (admittedly about a thousand years ago) it really isn’t for the faint of heart. From what you describe of her, she won’t cut it, so hopefully, this will all be a storm in a teacup.

Yes this is what I am thinking, we work with alot of these kids in our youth clubs and they are proper hard core, I wouldn't mess with them. We have our youth workers in the school to support. Hopefully it won't last.

OP posts:
HamBone · 15/07/2023 14:45

All my ex says is that she is vulnerable and has mental health issues. The kids have reported back that she has frequent panic attacks when they are out on days out. So she obviously has anxiety she speaks openly about it to DD and has even shown her her self harm scars.

Oh ffs, what on earth is she doing going into a stressful job like teaching? I’m from a family of teachers ( not one myself) and you need to be tough. Not that it’s your concern, but I doubt she’ll last long on the placement.

Original poster
Trifleguzzler · 15/07/2023 14:47

Nofreshstarthere22 · 15/07/2023 14:42

What a strange woman she is, vent away. Wtf is ex not paying CS to support her????

I know it is totally bat shit. He pays basic payment. But at times he would help out when there were big costs like uniform buying time which can be hundreds, school trips etc. He hasn't helped me with any of that stuff for years because he is paying all the bills and running her car etc. He is now driving around in an old banger because he can't afford his car anymore.

OP posts:
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