OW encroaching

[Trifleguzzler]

Hi all,
I haven't posted for ages but need some advice on this as I don't know what to do.
Bit of background, H left me for a much younger woman 4 years ago. It has taken me this long to heal from the trauma of it all. I was left to raise two SEN children totally alone while he shacked up with a girl half his age.

I didn't make anything difficult for him I cracked on best I could even though I was utterly devastated and was deeply depressed for quite a while. It was all very traumatic. Did the whole of lockdown totally alone, WFH full time and homeschooling.

Anyway, I have never met her. I keep them both at a distance and my children see him and her every other weekend.

My daughter has really struggled with the break up, along with starting secondary school ASD diagnosis. She was in a really bad way last year I honestly thought she would do something bad to herself. It has taken all my fight to get her on an even keel and she is finally at the end of year 8 doing okay.

Anyway, OW was sacked from her job 18 months ago, I don't know why but I didn't ask. And has been unemployed since, so I have been managing without any extra from Ex as he has been bank rolling her for the entire time.
She has now decided she is going to train as a teacher.
I found out last night she is doing it at my DD secondary school.

I feel so uncomfortable about it all mainly 'cause it feels like my terf as silly as that sounds, but I am quite involved with the school regarding my own job etc.
What also worries me is what information she will have access about me and my DD who has had intervention and counselling at school due to the divorce and OW situation.

I know I probably can't do anything about this. But I feel like she infiltrated my marriage and family and now she is working her way into the school life. She might end up teaching my friends kids and possibly my DS when he goes next year.

I just want to get on with my life and not have to worry about bumping into her on a daily basis while I collect my DS from the primary next door.

Anyway not sure what I am asking just needed to get it off my chest.

Is her vulnerability linked to having a difficult home life growing up at all ? Just wondering on the appeal of such and awful bloke? Maybe she had no Dad around or an abusive one ?

Ahhhhh so he is getting his 'vunerable' gf to do teacher training for the bursary cash. Hes a real catch isn't he!

Shes going to be utterly ripped to shreds.

Teaching is tough even for the more robust. I think she will panic and drop out before term starts or disappear from the school before she gets as far as the autumn half term. There’s not much you can do but I doubt you will have to tolerate the school thing for long.

I wonder whose decision it was to go into teaching. Is she doing it to please him? She sounds like she has more complex mental health problems beyond panic (self harm scars - are there many, is she currently self-harming?). She sounds immature, emotionally unstable and lacking in judgement. I’m all for a more open dialogue about mental health and removing shame (it’s my area of work) but “she speaks openly about it to DD and has even shown her her self harm scars” is a bit of a red flag to me if she is pulling your young DD into ongoing conversations about current behaviour (sorry if I’ve misunderstood).

Gosh, I feel for you, OP. I was in a slightly opposite position. My exH left me for the OW, I have 3 DSes, one with ASD. She had already had one DS. They married after a couple of years. I happened to get a job at her DS’s school. If it reassures you, teachers and school staff only have access to sensitive information on a purely need to know basis. Even form tutors won’t get to see the details, just a summary of what info they need to know. Other teachers even less.

I took great delight in being as nice as pie to my ExH’s SS. He was a good kid and my DSes liked him well enough. I’m sure his mum hated that I saw him often at school as otherwise I’d have had zero contact with him. I felt that being completely lovely towards him and him having a good impression of me was the best policy and most likely to piss them off! 😉

Is she having panic attacks or is she having Coke come downs ?

@Trifleguzzler

ok so I suspect the next thing will be that it's your fault she's pulled out of doing it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Definitely have a chat to the HT

She should of really done it at another school - but she will be on placements at college in blocks I would imagine and no guarantees that she would actually work there on completion. Teacher training is tough so if she is having panic attacks at family gatherings then it doesn’t bode well for her completing the course.

She won’t last long when the kids at the school find out she is someone who has had an affair… her life will be a misery

Please update in sept when she is stressed to fuck and has to leave! ☺️

God he's a real prize shit, isn't he?

She is taking a risk that your DD will tell all her friends that she had an affair with her Dad. Not that you would want this to happen but really your ex should be advising her to choose another school for everyone’s sake.

@Littlegoth That's interesting. Have not come across that one. Thank you for the clarification.

With teacher training it may not be about 'choosing' a different school. Sometimes you are placed, other times you have to interview and be accepted. Best thing for you to do is accept she will be there and try not to let it bother you. She will not have access to any private details - schools take GDPR very seriously.

Since you're involved with the school, perhaps speak to the headteacher and see what they can do to ensure the OW is re-assigned to a new school. A PGCE, the university that she's signed up with will just swap the trainee teacher with another. Bit of a conflict of interest there.

She sounds a bit like I was in my twenties (although I had a steady boyfriend my own age!) ie anxious, panicky, very very emotionally immature and generally clueless. I’m autistic. She could be autistic or there could be some sort of trauma involved. I was always trying out different college courses and jobs without thinking things through. Maybe she’ll do what I did once and spend the first three days crying and then refuse to go back!

Looking back my emotional age was probably ten years behind until I suddenly caught up (and possibly overtook) at middle age. So I think it’s your ex who is most at fault here and totally taking advantage of this young woman.

Schools are so careful about student records now. All of the pastoral files are locked away. Ordinary teachers cannot access them. They will have access to anything which impacts on their learning so SEN info.
Don't worry, GDPR is taken very seriously in schools.

You need to tell the school everything if you are comfortable doing so. Insist on speaking to the head, email in. This affair did so much damage to you and your children and I'm worried about what trouble she could cause for your kids. Please, speak with the head and again, if you are comfortable, tell them everything.

Oh OP, how shit! I have an ex and an OW but am also a teacher. There is very little chance that a trainee would have access to any sensitive information at all. It can be very difficult for actual teachers to get information on their students - it is all very 'need to know'. We use an electronic system called 'cpoms' (which is common in many schools) to record incidents. As a bog standard teacher, I write my concerns/describe what has happened and assign someone to it (usually head of year, might be the DSL as well) and that's the end of it. I don't see any follow up unless the follow up is relevant to me and it rarely is. I wouldn't be able to see anything at all that wasn't assigned to me. If she were to access internal documents, she would leave a footprint (you can track who has opened a document and when) so she'd be ill-advised to go looking for anything but I'd be surprised if there was anything sensitive kept in a bog standard word document anyone could open anyway. Try not to worry.

If you consider that the head of year or SENDCo is supportive, you could ask for a meeting and go in with a cool-headed 'look, this is kind of difficult but I just want to make you aware'...because in that way, the school would have prior knowledge of potential problems and could take any necessary action to protect both their student and their staff member. It would be interesting to get other teachers' take on that idea? bad? good? indifferent?

I can understand where you are coming from. How does your dd feel? I’d definitely contact school so they are aware of situation and how it is impacting dd.

My sister once got a job at my gp surgery so I moved to a different one . We don’t get on at all and she can be quite malicious so I just changed

From this description, unfortunately she is unlikely to last five minutes in teaching.

Second this. Just write them a factual, dispassionate letter making them aware of the situation and asking them to monitor for any boundary issues or conflict of interests, ideally that she doesn’t teach them.

I don’t have advice. However you have been so strong to cope with all of this, and I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. You are amazing! And quite frankly she is a horrible. She shouldn’t be in that school. You’re well shot of your DH. It’s tough: you are strong and you will get through this. Please make time for yourself and make sure you have folk to vent to even if just here!

Yeah like others have said have a quiet word with HT. Although again like others have said she wonted last 2 minutes in a school. My friends daughter did it, shes no shrinking violet, can handle herself. First week she got kicked in her stomach. School did nothing to help.

As the partner of a teacher with MH issues that is true with bells on.