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Original poster

He Wants Me To Send My Daughter Away

218 replies

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:19

Hi Viewers
Hoping for a sounding board here please without attacking me.
I recently turned 40, single mum to a 12 year old girl. Divorced for 8 years. Only had one relationship in this time. My daughters dad lives in another area which is a fair distance away - 12 hour drive.
I was living in another town myself and relocated nearly 2 years ago for fresh start. The guy I was dating at the time has kept in touch. He was upset when I left but our relationship was strained and I didn’t see it going anywhere. The biggest reason is he had little interest or patience with my daughter and was always in a mood with me because we didn’t get much alone time because naturally I’m a single parent and my daughter was 9 when I started dating him. Even when I was in the previous town my daughters dad was far away and she hardly saw him. My daughter is getting close to teen years and can be a challenge with her attitude as can many pre teens.
So the ex boyfriend has been constantly asking me to move back to the previous town I was in and saying I must send my daughter to her father for 6 months so I can stay with him a bit and have quality time and save some money.
I’ve told him NO because my daughter doesn’t want to be away from me. She would feel I’ve chosen him over her and don’t care. She would have to change schools again. Plus if he struggled to accept her before, he’s not going to change and that makes a relationship messy being caught in between the two. Yes there’s nothing wrong with me dating but I always try put my daughter first.
This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.
Can anyone agree that I’m making right choices and this guy is being very unreasonable

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 15/07/2023 14:49

He is completely unreasonable and a bit of a dick. Of course your child comes first! I honestly suggest you cut him off, give him zero headspace and block him.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:49

Just wanted to see how many males would expect to have the woman to themselves even at the cost of their child. My ex husband has put his needs ahead of his daughters too so I’m curious to see how many men would be selfish and how many are decent

OP posts:
Anaemiafog · 15/07/2023 14:50

WTF you're not stuck in the middle!

pigsDOfly · 15/07/2023 14:52

MiddleParking · 15/07/2023 13:20

You’re not making the right decision by giving this conversation headspace at all. Your boundaries are not where they should be if you’re even talking to this man.

As above.

In your OP you're giving reasons why you think what he's suggesting is not a good idea. In all honesty you shouldn't even have got that far.

At the first hint of what he's suggesting you should have shut him down and dumped him.

He's a nasty person. You need to get rid of him and block him from contacting you ever again.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/07/2023 14:56

You've gone from one loser to another.

The fact you had to ask us this question shows the damage that's been done to you.

Don't have anything to do with him and use the Freedom programme before you date anyone else. Personally I think you should wait at least a couple of years before dating.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 15/07/2023 15:01

OP you don't sound like a bad mum to me, just someone who is on their own and can end up doubting themselves. It's hard being a single parent.

Longdarkcloud · 15/07/2023 15:02

Can’t see how you’d be better off financially because your DD’s father would expect you to pay maintenance.

momonpurpose · 15/07/2023 15:04

Why on earth do you still speak to him? Put your child first and cut this man off

LunaMay · 15/07/2023 15:05

Umm why are you saying that and not 'No, i don't want to send my daughter away, Fuck off"?

Lovemusic33 · 15/07/2023 15:05

I don’t understand why you started a thread. Why are you even giving this guy head space? Why are you even in contact with someone who can’t accept you are a mum before anything else?

Being a single parent is hard, not having any support is hard but your child has to come first.

I am a single parent and dating has been almost impossible, my DD’s are now late teens but one has high needs (autism), she comes before anything else and anyone else. Yes it’s frustrating, I don’t get any time away from her, she sees her dad for a few hours a week but never overnight so having a social life is pretty impossible. No way would I give head space to a man who told me to send my dd away.

ScrollingLeaves · 15/07/2023 15:06

You are absolutely making the right choice.

Do not even consider any other.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/07/2023 15:07

You say "us mothers will always put our children first" but that isn't true. There are some who have to question that supposed instinct that most of us have.

I don't understand why you asked it. No man would or should ever be having this conversation with a mother because she would instantly shut him down.

You seem to have had quite a few conversations about it and that makes me feel uneasy about you. What would you do if you'd had positive responses? Used them to have this twat in your life?

It really was a no-brainer. Kind of like, "should I breathe today or not?". Confused

jannier · 15/07/2023 15:10

Why are you asking? Why are you still in contact with this man? You have a child not a hobby to put down for 6 months

StormInaDcup99 · 15/07/2023 15:10

More red flags than a communist convention

Dump

Jux · 15/07/2023 15:10

Well done for dumping him and literally moving on. Your dd has seen that she comes before some random man, especially one who doesn't want her. She knows it, and feels safe enough with you to be cheeky and difficult; she knows you're not going to abandon her like her dad has. Well done!

She's older now. At 12 she may be old enough to start considering what you might do when she's away from you. She'll soon be choosing GCSEs and maybe thinking about Uni. One day she'll be gone and then she'll want to know that there's someone there who has your back. She's not there yet but she will be and time goes by in a flash.

You won't be alone forever, that is so unlikely. I reckon you've done a lot that is right, but we always beat ourselves up for the things we've done wrong. I don't think you've done anything wrong here wrt this particular man except that he is still able to contact you. Try to do something about that, but if you can't (ie, change your phone number) for whatever reason and if he evr contacts you again just completely ignore him and delete.

Escapingafter50years · 15/07/2023 15:11

You poor thing. You have had appalling examples of parenting since you were tiny. As a result, you have ended up in very poor relationships. I would say you are not in a proper frame of mind to be in a healthy relationship at the moment, and you need to work on yourself, building up more self-esteem, to get to a place where you are truly confident in yourself. The fact that this asshole has you even asking a question like you are suggests that whereas you know in your head he is utterly wrong, you are not confident enough in your belief so you need others to confirm this for you.

It is wonderful that you want to be a better mother for your daughter, it would be far easier to carry on a cycle of neglect which happens all too often (ask me how I know!). This asshole has raised a red flag with you, but as you gain more confidence, red flags will be raised far earlier - unfortunately there are a lot of people around who are quite happy to neglect and abuse people they claim to care about, and the sooner you can spot them and get rid of them out of your life, the better. Learning about abusive behaviours and healthy conflict resolutions would all help you with your relationship with your daughter.

Perhaps look into the Freedom Programme, it can be done online.
Also look for "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, it's available as a free pdf.

TheCatterall · 15/07/2023 15:13

@AshleyClare why have you not blocked him yet.

he’s unreasonable.

move on with your life. Without interruptions from him.

block block block.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/07/2023 15:15

It's madness that you even have to ask. You need to do something like The Freedom Programme or counselling so you can see things clearly.

Why haven't you blocked him? The relationship is rightly over and as you know, he contacted you to see if you'd be up for 6 months of sex.

Magicpaintbrush · 15/07/2023 15:15

I can't actually believe you still have this guy in your life after he's suggested something as horrendous as sending your child away for 6 months!! Who the hell does he think he is??? YABVU for not having dumped him already. My God. Your daughter is not some inconvenience he can just get rid of! I'd go absolutely ballistic if a man suggested that to me, absolutely ballistic and they would be ordered out of my life immediately never to be seen again. Nobody comes before DD, EVER. It would be far better to be alone than to share your life with such a selfish arsehole of an excuse of a man. Your DD must always always always come first, not your boyfriend. He sounds like a total shit.

JudyEdithPerry · 15/07/2023 15:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 15/07/2023 15:26

I am surprised you even bother to type all this out and are still contacting him. Why? Genuine question, why are you even talking to this POS!! WTF is wrong with you? I feel sorry for your daughter

Ponderingwindow · 15/07/2023 15:26

That you are even still talking to this man indicates you need to work on your self-esteem.

PollyPaintsFlowers · 15/07/2023 15:27

Ilikewinter · 15/07/2023 13:21

Why is this even a question?

Exactly this. Why are you even thinking about it OP?!

Lunde · 15/07/2023 15:28

One good thing is that you have had a lucky escape as he's shown you who he really is and he's not nice - he would never be a good parent or stepparent to your DD

loonyloo · 15/07/2023 15:31

GerbilsForever24 · 15/07/2023 13:25

This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.

This man is delusional and this is 100% not true.

End it fully, completely and properly and move on with your life.

100% agree with @GerbilsForever24 here. What that guy has said is clearly absolute bollocks.

Don't even give him the time of day.