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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Wants Me To Send My Daughter Away

218 replies

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:19

Hi Viewers
Hoping for a sounding board here please without attacking me.
I recently turned 40, single mum to a 12 year old girl. Divorced for 8 years. Only had one relationship in this time. My daughters dad lives in another area which is a fair distance away - 12 hour drive.
I was living in another town myself and relocated nearly 2 years ago for fresh start. The guy I was dating at the time has kept in touch. He was upset when I left but our relationship was strained and I didn’t see it going anywhere. The biggest reason is he had little interest or patience with my daughter and was always in a mood with me because we didn’t get much alone time because naturally I’m a single parent and my daughter was 9 when I started dating him. Even when I was in the previous town my daughters dad was far away and she hardly saw him. My daughter is getting close to teen years and can be a challenge with her attitude as can many pre teens.
So the ex boyfriend has been constantly asking me to move back to the previous town I was in and saying I must send my daughter to her father for 6 months so I can stay with him a bit and have quality time and save some money.
I’ve told him NO because my daughter doesn’t want to be away from me. She would feel I’ve chosen him over her and don’t care. She would have to change schools again. Plus if he struggled to accept her before, he’s not going to change and that makes a relationship messy being caught in between the two. Yes there’s nothing wrong with me dating but I always try put my daughter first.
This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.
Can anyone agree that I’m making right choices and this guy is being very unreasonable

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 15/07/2023 14:03

He’s an idiot. What are you still talking to him? You made your decision two years ago and it was the right one.

Clymene · 15/07/2023 14:03

You're right, he's wrong. Stop engaging with him and block him. He's an arsehole.

MmmALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 15/07/2023 14:04

My teenagers had a night away last night after being home for ages, I missed them being around as soon as they went. No way would I go a month, let alone 6!! For some weirdo. He will never be any better, just block him immediately. Your daughter will be there for you through thick and thin, he won't. He can't even be there for you now! Plus anyone who doesn't understand the bond between mother and child is clearly lacking something up top.

viques · 15/07/2023 14:04

Mmmmm, let me think about this, because, wow, what a dilemma, rock,hard place……….

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:06

My daughters father has not had much to do with her. He took off with another woman and her kids and that failed but has had numerous partners since.
No I’m not as good a mother as I should be and would like to be, but I will never abandon my daughter. And as warped as readers say I am, I’m still the better option than her father. He doesn’t care

OP posts:
oi0Y0io · 15/07/2023 14:06

It's worrying that you even have to ask
block
delete
ignore
do not engage, etc

BeverlyHa · 15/07/2023 14:06

if you thought about this, dared even to post it on here, one word: you are already deceived. there it is

PowerBMI · 15/07/2023 14:06

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:00

If I didn’t put her first I’d still be in that town dating him, not the opposite side of the continent.
min 8 years I dated one man and not for long either. If I’m so codependent then I’d either still be with him or have had boyfriends before and after him

you didn’t need to live across a continent to stop dating him.

If you really feel that, moving away was necessary to stop dating him, then there’s an issue. You aren’t disclosing. Like violence or abuse z

Just cut contact with him.

magma33 · 15/07/2023 14:07

The fact that you would like to hear “men’s opinions” say you’re not confident and lack self esteem. You need to work on that and then this guy will stop contacting you, once you stop needing the attention. Pp mentioned ‘freedom programme’ look into this please. You posted on here so trust us, you don’t need male opinion specifically.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:07

My daughter has only had a week or two here and there away from me with her dad since he left us. I could not be apart from her longer than that. I miss her terribly even with the arguing and cheek

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 15/07/2023 14:07

You think you need “proof” but this is not an argument that you can win. Its not about facts or logic. And even though he is arguing with you he will not respond to your facts and words or seeing this thread. A very self centered/narcissistic and abusive person does not permit you to “win” an argument and he will not permit himself to lose.
As a child from an abusive home maybe you grew up thinking that other people got to make decisions and choices because they were “right” and believed that if you could “be right” or mske the right argument then you would have power snd choice too.
In reality they got to do what they wanted because they had power. They were older, more violent, more careless, more cruel. And that is his nature to. He may set you this task “prove me wrong! Win this argument!” But that is a trick just to suck you in and keep you engaged. THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY.

gogomoto · 15/07/2023 14:07

I would suggest though that you gradually introduce your daughter to the idea that you do deserve to be allowed to date a good man, that whilst she will always be your priority, that doesn't mean you can't have a personal life. Stress to her you aren't interested in rushing things but you want to go on dates etc. it's seems you have dedicated your life to your daughter and she's taking it for granted a bit so if after a few months of dating you introduce someone she needs to be nicer this time

10HailMarys · 15/07/2023 14:07

Any man who asks you to send your child away for six months, or says that it would be ‘normal’ to OK with this, is an absolute cunt.

Do not have anything more to do with him. He’s toxic. What he is suggesting is abusive to you and to your daughter and you would be insane to even continue talking to him.

Incognito2023 · 15/07/2023 14:08

There’s a good reason he is an ex - it’s your DD !

Glad you are putting her first, but please block him and stop engaging with this waste of space in case you ever get tempted

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:08

I moved to be closer to some family

OP posts:
Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:09

No I don’t have much confidence

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/07/2023 14:09

I can't believe you have to ask. You already say you know!

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 15/07/2023 14:09

He sounds awful. You are right.

Backstreets · 15/07/2023 14:10

My nan sent me an absolutely humongous laughing emoji the other day, stopped me in my tracks, you should send him one of those then block him.

PowerBMI · 15/07/2023 14:11

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:08

I moved to be closer to some family

So your posts about how you left him to put her first, isn’t correct is it.

You left to move through your own choice. You didn’t move to facilitate a break up or for her.

Why spin it into some huge sacrifice, you made for her?

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:11

I have repeatedly told her she won’t ever be second place to a man and I apologised to her for dating someone that didn’t like her. I am staying single to concentrate on her but if down the track a nice man who cares about her too comes along, she must realise I can’t be alone forever

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/07/2023 14:12

I don’t even know why you need to ask.

You are not even in a relationship with him, he lives away and wants you to send your child away, move just for him to see if the relationship works? Is he on glue?

CapEBarra · 15/07/2023 14:12

You shouldn’t even have to ask that question. That’s an instant no and block on everything.

ZickZack · 15/07/2023 14:12

You already know he's talking BS, op. Listen to your gut and don't ignore it. Your daughter would never forgive you.

SayHi · 15/07/2023 14:12

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:36

NO I’m not. My WHOLE question here is to confirm he is the unreasonable insane one. I’d never part with my daughter.

You shouldn’t need it confirmed because he’s obviously a controlling twat.

Do you mean you just want to vent/talk about it anonymously?

By asking for it to be confirmed it’s like you’re unsure whether it’s acceptable behaviour or not.

Did you tell him to fuck off and immediately block him?
As it does read a bit like you were still talking to him after he suggested it.

FWIW I’m a single parent and dating can be hard.
The men I’ve met have gone out of their way to try and make things easy for me and my DD.
The only issue I have is that a lot are very keen to meet her and be a part of her life, which o find difficult.
None of them have ever implied my DD was an issue and they know she always comes before them (and their kids come before me).

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