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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Wants Me To Send My Daughter Away

218 replies

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:19

Hi Viewers
Hoping for a sounding board here please without attacking me.
I recently turned 40, single mum to a 12 year old girl. Divorced for 8 years. Only had one relationship in this time. My daughters dad lives in another area which is a fair distance away - 12 hour drive.
I was living in another town myself and relocated nearly 2 years ago for fresh start. The guy I was dating at the time has kept in touch. He was upset when I left but our relationship was strained and I didn’t see it going anywhere. The biggest reason is he had little interest or patience with my daughter and was always in a mood with me because we didn’t get much alone time because naturally I’m a single parent and my daughter was 9 when I started dating him. Even when I was in the previous town my daughters dad was far away and she hardly saw him. My daughter is getting close to teen years and can be a challenge with her attitude as can many pre teens.
So the ex boyfriend has been constantly asking me to move back to the previous town I was in and saying I must send my daughter to her father for 6 months so I can stay with him a bit and have quality time and save some money.
I’ve told him NO because my daughter doesn’t want to be away from me. She would feel I’ve chosen him over her and don’t care. She would have to change schools again. Plus if he struggled to accept her before, he’s not going to change and that makes a relationship messy being caught in between the two. Yes there’s nothing wrong with me dating but I always try put my daughter first.
This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.
Can anyone agree that I’m making right choices and this guy is being very unreasonable

OP posts:
Springbecamethesummer · 15/07/2023 13:41

My advice would be to get this toxic piece of shit out of your life.
Only an unfit mother would consider this ludicrous request.
Your daughter is probably worried about your safety as well as her own regarding you dating, it's not always about not wanting to share a parent with someone else because used to just the two of you.

IveHadItUpToHere · 15/07/2023 13:41

This is nonsense. Who cares what an ex from 2 years ago thinks and equally who cares what random 'men' on the internet think?
It really isn't normal that you're even entertaining this bullshit by starting a thread and asking others, especially men, to validate your or his opinion.
It almost makes me wonder if the school holidays have started.

LeilaRose777 · 15/07/2023 13:41

A man tells you to dump your child for six months and you even consider it? The fact that you even consider it is concerning...what kind of man breaks up the relationship between a mother and daughter? Red flags everywhere.

Screwballs · 15/07/2023 13:41

Yeah I'm with everyone else. I'm a step mum, I would never have dreamed of asking DP to not see his children for 6 months for the sake of our relationship, if I felt like that I'd leave.

There is no question here, you really shouldn't be engaging this conversation at all. Block him. No explanation needed, if he can't figure out why then that says it all.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:42

Kids can have ESP and sense things the adult doesn’t because the romantic blinkers are on

OP posts:
Twyford · 15/07/2023 13:42

He was probably trying his luck because it hasnt worked out with anyone else

And I think we can all see why. How on earth does anyone manage to get as selfish and thick as this?

Bbq1 · 15/07/2023 13:43

Why do so many pathetic women prioritise sex with a vile man over their own children? It's why children are murdered on a regular basis because some women would rather have any excuse for a man than none at all. Op your attitude is disgusting and it's sickening that you even need to even ask the question. Your daughter might actually be better off living with her father permanently than a mother who is giving so much headspace to a horrible, dangerous man who hates her.

TheHandbag · 15/07/2023 13:43

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/uk-61608888.amp

How do you think these kids, wind up dead at the hands of their step parents? Their own parents fail to protect them from the very beginning because they're too busy chasing a relationship.

pikkumyy77 · 15/07/2023 13:43

Dear OP, was your childhood full of abuse? Were your parents authoritarians or extremely narcissistic? I think its obvious that you are more thrown by this guy’s demands than you pretend to be here. You aren’t just asking this question to get confirmation of your decision to dump him. You haven’t really ended it. You don’t know how to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fucked. Inside you feel obligated to engage in the arguments he starts. You feel you have to prove something to him and you are looking for the data or the examples to prove to him that you are right not to abandon your daughter and submit to him.

I really suggest some therapy to help you discover your sense of self, your right to say “no” for any reason and no reason. I think that what is going on here is that prey has met predator snd the prey (you) does not know how to fight back.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 15/07/2023 13:43

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:34

My daughter was anti me dating because it had just been her and I and she was scared of losing me I guess so she was always nasty to the guy and didn’t want me seeing him or even talking to him. She even said once she hopes he dies. So it put a big wedge between them and I could see it wasn’t going to work so I left.
Can I clarify that I’m not going back to him. I don’t want to date him again. I’ve said no. Obviously us mothers will agree put the child first. But it’s still good for me to get confirmation from outsiders that he’s mad even suggesting this. And maybe if there’s men reading this thread, be interesting to get their opinions.
I do not talk to him often and it’s only recently he made this suggestion of me moving back

I'm a step mum, in relationship with the kids mum. The kids always came first and still do (they're now very grown up)!. I'm not sure I would want to be with someone who didn't have a similar view.
One of the kids had similar views as your daughter at first, similar age, I could understand her feelings and tried not to take it personally! She thought I might try to take her mum away. I got that and just made sure that there was a clear message that was never going to be on the radar.

PousseyNotMoira · 15/07/2023 13:44

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:38

I rent. I work two jobs to pay bills. He’s got money. Stingy though. I’m not considering being with him. He made out that any ‘normal’ person wouldnt see an issue with a mere 6 month break from their child especially when I could save money.
No man comes before my child.

You realise that most women would have instantly cut off anyone who suggested what he suggested? No ongoing discussion, no subsequent engagement, no asking strangers to validate their decision to keep their child. For most of us, this is a complete no-brainer. The fact that it wasn’t for you is what’s shocking people.

Someone linked the Freedom Programme. Please look into it.

And please confirm you’ve blocked this freak.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2023 13:44

I think your daughter has the measure of him and not surprised she didn't like him
Give her a treat from me , her twat radar is spot on and maybe yours needs a re calibration op .

Shopper727 · 15/07/2023 13:45

Really, just tell him to get to f and move on. Why you’d even give him airspace is beyond me, and if you’re ‘romantic blinkers’ stop you from being able to see a massive duck head in front of you you’re not putting your children first.

Chasingadvice · 15/07/2023 13:46

Get a grip op. What is wrong with you? How low is your self esteem? How low can it possibly be?

Snugglemonkey · 15/07/2023 13:46

There is no question here. Then is a wanker!

Darkandstormynite · 15/07/2023 13:47

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:38

I rent. I work two jobs to pay bills. He’s got money. Stingy though. I’m not considering being with him. He made out that any ‘normal’ person wouldnt see an issue with a mere 6 month break from their child especially when I could save money.
No man comes before my child.

So he's not a wannabe cock lodger then. He is just an absolute tool.

Your daughter's instincts were 100% right. She may have gone about it in a clumsy way, but she was subconsciously trying to protect you. You should be proud of her.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:47

I knew people were going to attack me here. There are ways to give opinions without being offensive.
ive stated several times I’m not with this man, not going to be, moved far away from him, will never give my child up

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 15/07/2023 13:47

Send your daughter away for six months?

I've got a better ideas.

Send that complete and utter arsehole away - FOREVER.

Please block him and don't have anything to do with this abominable creature.

The suggestion is one of the most disgustingly stupid things I've ever heard.

I'm surprised you didn't tell him to fuck off there and then.

Screwballs · 15/07/2023 13:48

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:47

I knew people were going to attack me here. There are ways to give opinions without being offensive.
ive stated several times I’m not with this man, not going to be, moved far away from him, will never give my child up

Then...whats the question exactly?

Jongleterre · 15/07/2023 13:50

If I had a dead fish I'd slap him round the face with it!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/07/2023 13:50

Anyone who thought it was acceptable to ask me to send my dd away for 6 months would become an ex I. Less than 6 minutes

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:51

My parents split up when I was 2. My step mother hated me and my siblings and my step dad was a violent drunk.
My daughter never stayed a night under this man’s roof. He never stayed in our home. The only time I stayed overnight with him was if my daughter was at a friend or the couple times her father bothered to have her for a school holiday. I’ve raised her almost solo and don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. I work hard to provide for her and always protected her the best I can especially after what I went through as a child

OP posts:
Fallenangelofthenorth · 15/07/2023 13:51

I can't get my head around the fact you're even talking to someone who clearly hates your child. You really need to do better, and I've never ever told anyone on here that before.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/07/2023 13:51

Hell yes
dont even entertain this !! Twat

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2023 13:52

You even need to ask the opinion of Mumsnet?

You know, OP.

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