Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Wants Me To Send My Daughter Away

218 replies

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:19

Hi Viewers
Hoping for a sounding board here please without attacking me.
I recently turned 40, single mum to a 12 year old girl. Divorced for 8 years. Only had one relationship in this time. My daughters dad lives in another area which is a fair distance away - 12 hour drive.
I was living in another town myself and relocated nearly 2 years ago for fresh start. The guy I was dating at the time has kept in touch. He was upset when I left but our relationship was strained and I didn’t see it going anywhere. The biggest reason is he had little interest or patience with my daughter and was always in a mood with me because we didn’t get much alone time because naturally I’m a single parent and my daughter was 9 when I started dating him. Even when I was in the previous town my daughters dad was far away and she hardly saw him. My daughter is getting close to teen years and can be a challenge with her attitude as can many pre teens.
So the ex boyfriend has been constantly asking me to move back to the previous town I was in and saying I must send my daughter to her father for 6 months so I can stay with him a bit and have quality time and save some money.
I’ve told him NO because my daughter doesn’t want to be away from me. She would feel I’ve chosen him over her and don’t care. She would have to change schools again. Plus if he struggled to accept her before, he’s not going to change and that makes a relationship messy being caught in between the two. Yes there’s nothing wrong with me dating but I always try put my daughter first.
This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.
Can anyone agree that I’m making right choices and this guy is being very unreasonable

OP posts:
IveHadItUpToHere · 15/07/2023 13:54

If she knows, why is she asking? Why is she even still in contact with him? Why is she asking for men to validate her or him?

Mirabai · 15/07/2023 13:55

I really don’t understand why you’re here asking this.

Flopsythebunny · 15/07/2023 13:56

He's a twat. Block him!

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:56

Yes, I do know. He’s a man who thinks he’s always right and extremely stubborn and narcissistic at times. He knows I’m not interested in him but it will be good to just show him how every single post that he’s a dick

OP posts:
PowerBMI · 15/07/2023 13:56

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:42

Kids can have ESP and sense things the adult doesn’t because the romantic blinkers are on

It’s not ESP. Not a sixth sense.

She could just see he was a wanker who didn’t like her. That’s not a sixth sense.

and if you think it ESP, why did you post blaming her for his dislike of her?

Again, why are you even in touch occasionally if you think he is asking you to upend your life and her life because he can’t find anyone else?

Why would you even entertain a discussion with him?

neonjumper · 15/07/2023 13:57

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:34

My daughter was anti me dating because it had just been her and I and she was scared of losing me I guess so she was always nasty to the guy and didn’t want me seeing him or even talking to him. She even said once she hopes he dies. So it put a big wedge between them and I could see it wasn’t going to work so I left.
Can I clarify that I’m not going back to him. I don’t want to date him again. I’ve said no. Obviously us mothers will agree put the child first. But it’s still good for me to get confirmation from outsiders that he’s mad even suggesting this. And maybe if there’s men reading this thread, be interesting to get their opinions.
I do not talk to him often and it’s only recently he made this suggestion of me moving back

There lies your answer ... your need for the response from men to answer this makes it very clear you place greater value on what men say than other posters or your daughter.

You need to wake up to yourself and recognise that your need to indulge this man is wrong on so many levels.

You make the right noises about putting your daughter first but you really are not .

GrannieD · 15/07/2023 13:57

You really need to ask?

Block and delete

Twillow · 15/07/2023 13:57

Please do not even consider not doing this unreasonable. What a selfish man.

magma33 · 15/07/2023 13:58

Sorry you’re not going to get people on here patting you on the back for not being in a relationship with him RIGHT NOW, that could change later because if you had good boundaries and were on it, you wouldn’t even be wasting your mental energy on this so it leads me to think you are considering this. You said you always ‘try’ to put your daughter first. Well you need to try harder and be more sure of what that actually looks like.

PowerBMI · 15/07/2023 13:58

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:56

Yes, I do know. He’s a man who thinks he’s always right and extremely stubborn and narcissistic at times. He knows I’m not interested in him but it will be good to just show him how every single post that he’s a dick

Why? Why do you care that he knows we think he is a dick?

Why is that important to you? I think you like the drama. You could block him, not respond and ignore him, tell him to fuck off.

You are far more invested in him than you are letting on

stayathomer · 15/07/2023 13:58

Op you and your daughter are a family. You absolutely do not need any one trying to split you up. Well done on all you do for your daughter x hope you have a nice weekend

magma33 · 15/07/2023 13:59

PowerBMI · 15/07/2023 13:58

Why? Why do you care that he knows we think he is a dick?

Why is that important to you? I think you like the drama. You could block him, not respond and ignore him, tell him to fuck off.

You are far more invested in him than you are letting on

Show quote history

Exactly. she sounds like she’s in denial and he most likely senses it too hence still chasing her. He’d have given up a long time ago but he senses a weakness in OP.

Probablysane · 15/07/2023 14:00

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:36

NO I’m not. My WHOLE question here is to confirm he is the unreasonable insane one. I’d never part with my daughter.

He's completely being the unreasonable one OP.

Hayliebells · 15/07/2023 14:00

Of course you're not being unreasonable! I really can't see why you would want this man in your life at all. Cut all contact, block him, delete his number, just forgot he ever existed. Nothing good will come from continuing a relationship with him, as he's a complete arsehole.

neonjumper · 15/07/2023 14:00

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:56

Yes, I do know. He’s a man who thinks he’s always right and extremely stubborn and narcissistic at times. He knows I’m not interested in him but it will be good to just show him how every single post that he’s a dick

And what will this achieve ?

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:00

If I didn’t put her first I’d still be in that town dating him, not the opposite side of the continent.
min 8 years I dated one man and not for long either. If I’m so codependent then I’d either still be with him or have had boyfriends before and after him

OP posts:
JusthereforXmas · 15/07/2023 14:00

As a single mother you can't date a guy like this and I think you know it.

Your daughter wouldn't 'feel' you choose him of her thats just the fact of what that guy expects you to do and obviously no decent parent would (I am aware lots of men 'do it' but frankly the are selfish and aren't good parents).

Riverlee · 15/07/2023 14:00

Send the boyfriend away, for ever!

You come as a package, mother and daughter. He can love it or lump it? He doesn’t get to decide where your daughter lives. I assume that after six months, he’ll put obstacles in the way so your daughter never returns.

I don’t know how he’s manipulated you to even consider this (even though you rejecting it). Please ditch this fellow. He’s not the one for you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2023 14:00

The very thought of sending your dd away for a man hurt my heart. I’m so glad you are not ever considering it.

I think the comments made about doing the freedom programme and exploring the need to have validation from men would both be really helpful for you.

I understand what it is to never really feel safe as a child and it makes certain parts of adulthood difficult to navigate.

Kittensat36 · 15/07/2023 14:00

I suspect that OP wants/needs arguments to shut him down as much as anything.

As a single, childless reasonable person, my answer is fuck no, dump this guy off a cliff, block him.

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that there is an abusive relationship waiting for you if you do this. "Quality Time" will turn into you taking a lot of shit while he does as he pleases. You're already by yourself, in a new town without close family and long term friends. Nice and easy to isolate.

He's just got to get rid of your daughter first. But he's got to get YOU to do it - he needs you to petrol bomb that bridge so she will hate you and never speak to you again.

If your ex was the right person to parent full time, you wouldn't have moved and would already be sharing custody. So there's that.

Financially, if she did live with your ex, you would still be responsible for her money-wise, and being a good mum, you'd want to step up.... So his argument there falls flat.

She's 14. That's a vulnerable age. A child might be physically capable of surviving at that age, but emotionally, she needs strong, steady and loving parenting. Weigh that against a relationship that - if I am wrong about his motives - might crumble within months. Your relationship with your daughter would be burnt toast and you have nothing to show for it (not that I can see there is anything really worth toasting a child over). You would probably estrange your daughter and then you miss the graduation, wedding, grandchildren moment s and more. For what?

There are loads and loads of women out there who would be happy to have a relationship. Why hasn't he gone for them?. Why has he not cut his losses and looked elsewhere, not come back and had another go? That gets my spider senses tingling.

Finally, your DD is 14. You don't have long before she goes off and does her own thing. This is the time to prep her for life, including showing by example how to parent. You're the best person to do that.

Sorry for the long post.

HN3452 · 15/07/2023 14:01

He's a keeper!

neonjumper · 15/07/2023 14:01

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:00

If I didn’t put her first I’d still be in that town dating him, not the opposite side of the continent.
min 8 years I dated one man and not for long either. If I’m so codependent then I’d either still be with him or have had boyfriends before and after him

You are Co dependent... you're still engaging with him.

Beautiful3 · 15/07/2023 14:02

I'm shocked he asked you that, and that you haven't dumped him! Knock him on the head. Nothing good will come from him.

Kittensat36 · 15/07/2023 14:02

*and come back

gogomoto · 15/07/2023 14:03

Say goodbye and block his number. No sane parent sends their child away for 6 months to spend time with a partner. If he had said 3 weeks in the summer holidays i would think he's looking out for you, yes you deserve a break but no not months making her change schools. Dump him today