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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He Wants Me To Send My Daughter Away

218 replies

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 13:19

Hi Viewers
Hoping for a sounding board here please without attacking me.
I recently turned 40, single mum to a 12 year old girl. Divorced for 8 years. Only had one relationship in this time. My daughters dad lives in another area which is a fair distance away - 12 hour drive.
I was living in another town myself and relocated nearly 2 years ago for fresh start. The guy I was dating at the time has kept in touch. He was upset when I left but our relationship was strained and I didn’t see it going anywhere. The biggest reason is he had little interest or patience with my daughter and was always in a mood with me because we didn’t get much alone time because naturally I’m a single parent and my daughter was 9 when I started dating him. Even when I was in the previous town my daughters dad was far away and she hardly saw him. My daughter is getting close to teen years and can be a challenge with her attitude as can many pre teens.
So the ex boyfriend has been constantly asking me to move back to the previous town I was in and saying I must send my daughter to her father for 6 months so I can stay with him a bit and have quality time and save some money.
I’ve told him NO because my daughter doesn’t want to be away from me. She would feel I’ve chosen him over her and don’t care. She would have to change schools again. Plus if he struggled to accept her before, he’s not going to change and that makes a relationship messy being caught in between the two. Yes there’s nothing wrong with me dating but I always try put my daughter first.
This guy says any normal person wouldn’t see the big deal with having a little 6 month break from their child especially if they’ll get ahead financially too.
Can anyone agree that I’m making right choices and this guy is being very unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:12

I’m not putting that spin on it. But if this man supposedly means so much to me then I’d still be in that town dating him wouldnt I

OP posts:
magma33 · 15/07/2023 14:17

Yes your daughter knew you dated someone that didn’t like her. Maybe she doesn’t trust your judgement anymore so is feeling insecure. If I knew someone dish t like my kids I’d make sure they didn’t catch a whiff off it, you failed to protect her from his dislike of her. What’s done is done just learn from that. You don’t need her permission to but I do think you need to prove to her you have better judgement going forward so look into the ‘freedom programme’ as a first step.

Riverlee · 15/07/2023 14:19

“No I’m not as good a mother”.

Don’t put yourself down. You’re single handle bringing up your daughter with little or no support. You’ve already moved to make a fresh start for all of you. Everyone things they’re winging it, you’re not alone in that.

I imagine it’s flattering to have this fellow still wanting to be in contact, and to have sone non-parenting talk. However, you recognised before that he wasn’t right as he didn’t like your daughter, and that’s not going to change.

Ditch him, and move on. Your daughter will be a teen soon and will be more independent. Plenty of time for new hobbies, meeting new people etc. To quote Phil Collins “You can’t hurry love’.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/07/2023 14:22

100% of the people here could have agreed with him and it wouldn't matter, because you know what is right for your daughter. You need the confidence to be able to tell him and others like him 'It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, this is MY relationship with MY daughter and I know what works for US' and let them disagree without feeling that you are somehow wrong or weird.

I am sure there are plenty of people who would happily send their children to boarding school or to the other parent and it works for the family just fine, it won't work for yours, and that is perfectly fine too.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:24

I’m fine on my own while I’m bringing up my daughter. It’s easier I’ve realised the hard way. I wish I had more time to spend with her but need to work and wish I could do more for her financially like go away places, little holidays and mother and daughter weekends away. I wish she had a better home life.

OP posts:
FatNoMoreSue · 15/07/2023 14:24

Why are you even speaking to someone who would suggest this? Seriously - what is wrong with you?

butterpuffed · 15/07/2023 14:27

If you are definitely not even considering it , it's really odd that you would want strangers' opinions . Why ?

Caerulea · 15/07/2023 14:28

RED FLAGS! ALL THE RED FLAGS!! I'd say run away but you already are away so fgs STAY away. What a prick he is.

LidlOrAldi · 15/07/2023 14:28

Why are you even in contact with this ex?

Block and ignore!!!

1WomanWonder · 15/07/2023 14:29

You don’t owe him a reason. Even if lots of people would do it (which isn’t true) you don’t want to. That is enough. He has no say. You don’t want to be with him.

It would be like the person on the checkout at Tesco having a view on which socks I should wear today. Or like me trying to advise a neurosurgeon on options to treat a patient. That is how relevant his suggestion is to you. He should exert absolutely no control in this situation - it is beyond unreasonable. To be unreasonable suggests that he has a stake in the matter. He is irrelevant.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/07/2023 14:30

Why are you even semi pondering the situation. No man or comes before your child. It’s a case of love you love and accept your baby.

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2023 14:31

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:11

I have repeatedly told her she won’t ever be second place to a man and I apologised to her for dating someone that didn’t like her. I am staying single to concentrate on her but if down the track a nice man who cares about her too comes along, she must realise I can’t be alone forever

Why not?

To me, my own company and own space would be infinitely preferable to the company of such a man, as would the wellbeing of my child.

I'd far rather be alone than with a partner who wanted a housemaid whilst they lounge about on their arses, as so many men apparently want (and some women unaccountably put up with), much less one who wanted me to send away my kid and expected me to swallow that this was in any way what 'normal people' do. 'Don't fucking insult me', would have been the more appropriate response to that BS.

I know my own worth. If a potential partner didn't, they'd be on their way faster than you say 'cocklodger'.

You're reliant on no one but yourself for your own happiness, OP. I genuinely think you need to work on your self esteem until you are comfortable with the above. Then the right relationship might come along when you least expect it.

Before that can ever realistically happen, you need to break your current pattern. Have you considered counselling? It might be really helpful to unpick what is at the root of these issues with the aid of a sympathetic professional.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:31

Ok thank you everyone. If I felt shit about myself before I posted this, I feel 50 times shittier. People come on her for advice not to be slammed if possible.
Sometimes people are just hanging on by a thread so be blessed to have your lives together and be mentally strong and healthy

OP posts:
Budikka · 15/07/2023 14:33

You are making the right choices.

Widen your search for a potential partner or just boyfriend. There are loads of loving guys out there, believe me.

You are a good mum and good partner material!

Lunde · 15/07/2023 14:35

You need to block this guy - he is trying to get into your headspace and convince you this is a normal thing to do. He doesn't want your DD in your life and is trying to drive a wedge between you so that "6 months" becomes her permanently out of your house. By conversing with him you are giving him the impression that you might be persuaded

Why are you talking to him?

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 15/07/2023 14:35

OP, please block him on everything. Absolutely everything. Change your phone number if you have to.

You know he's a complete and utter selfish arsehole and you don't want him in your life in any capacity, so there's no reason for him to have the ability to call, text or message you on any platform.

Look into counselling for why you are willing to stay in touch with men who are clearly not worth your time or thoughts.

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2023 14:35

AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:31

Ok thank you everyone. If I felt shit about myself before I posted this, I feel 50 times shittier. People come on her for advice not to be slammed if possible.
Sometimes people are just hanging on by a thread so be blessed to have your lives together and be mentally strong and healthy

I wasn't always, OP. But when I came to my 20s, I had to be a fast learner. Destructive patterns were emerging in my life that that stemmed from the earliest stages of my life and a very abusive father. It was vital that these were unpicked if I wanted to learn my own self-worth.

I also know it's possible to come back from even low self-esteem and an abusive past. This thread has been tough for you to read, I know, but if some of the advice was harsh, it was still good advice.

I wish you well.

IveHadItUpToHere · 15/07/2023 14:36

Are you frightened of this ex? I'm trying to work out why you're reluctant to block and ignore.

PickAChew · 15/07/2023 14:40

I can't even understand why you're giving the dickhead a second thought.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:42

I know I’m not a good mother. But what choice does my daughter have? It’s me or her dad and he’s almost abandoned her when she was just 4 so he could go off with his lover. If he was a better option I’d send her there. I’ve read things online and books about things like narcissism and emotional abuse, control. I’ve seen a psychologist over the years on and off but public health only pay for a handful a year and it’s way too expensive to have the regular therapy I’d like

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 15/07/2023 14:43

Well your boundaries are a mess for even speaking to this horrible man or even asking this question. Obviously you put your daughter first! Good grief. Shouldn’t even be something you have to ask! Why do you have so little trust in yourself or care what this asshole man thinks? Block him.

Original poster
AshleyClare · 15/07/2023 14:43

I’m not reluctant. He hasn’t tried to contact me again

OP posts:
Batalax · 15/07/2023 14:45

Why are you even questioning yourself? You’d damage dd beyond belief.

Radiat · 15/07/2023 14:45

He’s living in cloud cuckoo land. No one would relish the idea of voluntarily sending their child away for 6 months. Count your lucky stars that you’re not with him, and block him for your own sake.

Tophy124 · 15/07/2023 14:46

I also find it very very bizarre you said you’d want other men’s opinions on this situation. WHY?! Why do you value mens opinions more? Why aren’t your own good enough first off? And why are other women’s then not enough? The way you react to men is really really off. I think you should stay single and work on yourself, boundaries and self esteem. The fact you even want to send this thread and haven’t blocked your ex is a problem.