Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I give my DH the ick

275 replies

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:02

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

OP posts:
tonystarksrighthand · 15/07/2023 12:08

Nothing major, I'm not scared of him.

You might not be scared of him, but he's an utter prick and nasty.

You deserve better OP. Leave the disrespectful wanker. Please. He doesn't like you.

Emmamoo89 · 15/07/2023 12:10

You deserve better x

FlopsiesAngrySandwich · 15/07/2023 12:12

I don't feel like your proposed strategy of staying and getting your needs met elsewhere is a viable one, simply because you will continue to be unhappy and you deserve far more than this. I'm so sorry, OP.

N0ëlle · 15/07/2023 12:14

What a turn off, for you.

skilpadde · 15/07/2023 12:15

He's rolling his eyes at you. His feelings are clear. Once contempt has settled into a relationship, it's just about unsalvageable.

You might feel inclined to find strategies to develop a thick skin and to ride this out, but you'll probably end up a mere shell of who you are.

You deserve better than this man, and you deserve better than this life.

readbooksdrinktea · 15/07/2023 12:15

Fucking hell, life is too short. I'm sorry this is your life. It sounds soul-destroying. Men are supposed to add to your life. What's the point otherwise?

Londisc · 15/07/2023 12:17
  1. This is no way to live your life.
  2. This is no way to raise your kids.

Kids will pick up on it. It will damage their self-esteem. You are their mum and the person who is supposed to love them can't hide his disdain for her. The more you put up with it, the worse it will get. Why do you think you married a man like this?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 15/07/2023 12:19

He might love you but he doesn't like you and certainly doesn't respect you.

AngleofTheNorth · 15/07/2023 12:19

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is.

And if you stay with him your child/ren will be posting the same thing in 20 or 30 years time. I understand about not wanting to co-parent with him but waiting until the children are old enough/leaving home can be just as damaging.

It may be the ick or it may be abuse. Why does he get to carry on like that for ever more?

Why should you put your needs last? Please don't do that Flowers

MissyB1 · 15/07/2023 12:20

No you can’t really carry on like this, it will ruin your life and your self esteem. So the options are, you tell him that you are separating or you both consider whether counselling will make any difference. I doubt he will agree to counselling, and will likely continue to gaslight you about the situation.
Perhaps you should get some legal advice quietly before the big conversation.

Isitthathardtobekind · 15/07/2023 12:25

I’ve gone through this and come out the other side after many years. I wanted to leave when the girls were little but felt I shouldn’t- his mum is religious and kept writing to me to tell me I should forgive, my mum often comments if people separate and says it’s very sad for the children so I felt I would have no support and wasn’t strong enough to be the one who made the leap- although I came very close. I felt lonely in my own home, felt very flat for quite some time and in the end made stupid decisions because I felt so trapped, which impacted on me even more. However, We are still together now.

The bit that gets me about what you say is about how he gets angry telling you you need to get over yourself etc. To me this is a sign that he doesn’t care enough and is actually just not very nice.

Although it worked out for me in the end staying, if I went back in time, I would have gone and started over. I would say to you to do the same xx

GCSister · 15/07/2023 12:26

He's not very nice
He doesn't like you
You deserve much, much better

Original poster
200miles · 15/07/2023 12:28

@Londisc he used to like me. He didn't use to act like this. My wedding day was so happy. I didn't have any doubts. I first actually saw a bit of disdain and impatience on our honeymoon. But that is interspersed with plenty of love and affection. But the last couple of years that really does seem to be dwindling.

I got turned down for a promotion last week and I didn't tell him about any of it. Not lying just didn't bother as I knew he'd either say something mean or just be uninterested so to save myself the disappointment I just keep stuff to myself.

Neither of us will leave as we are so worried about the kids, not seeing them. But I don't know if I can live like this.

I think he might actually be not very nice. Not very kind I mean. I feel like I'm being OTT often or sensitive as he says. But I don't feel loved.

OP posts:
P1ckledonionz · 15/07/2023 12:36

Why do you think you married a man like this?

This situation sounds abusive; you get to be the problem, he takes zero responsibility, you get to be judged and scrutinized but he'll never examine his own behaviour.

Please be aware that abusive and violent men conceal their cruelty and lack of empathy, and may take years to trap a woman before revealing their true colours.

It is victim-blaming to ask a woman why she married into domestic violence. It is an outdated and offensive myth that women seek abusive partners.

It turns out that men capable of gaslighting and showing such extreme contempt are also capable of being deceptive and manipulative. Who would've thought?

KnitFastDieWarm · 15/07/2023 12:44

are you married to my exH???

it won’t get better. Leave him and be happy. Model to your children that you deserve respect, affection and happiness.

Shahira78 · 15/07/2023 12:47

This is really sad.

You really want to stay with someone who doesn't fancy you?

Please leave.

Louloulouenna · 15/07/2023 12:50

This is terrible. Contempt is the most significant predictor of a marriage breakdown. He sounds like a horrible role model for your children.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 15/07/2023 12:55

This is possibly one of the saddest things I’ve read on here for a while op, please know you are worth so much more than what this abusive ‘man’ is dishing out. I’ve had a previous relationship like this but it was easier for me to walk away as no kids. I hope you can find the courage to leave one day Flowers

Susieb2023 · 15/07/2023 12:56

OP I really feel for you and say this with absolute kindness… what your children are witnessing, his contempt and rudeness will cause damage and could possibly lead to them replicating the same dynamic as they get older. I’m not saying leave him but you need to start some kind of counselling to find your voice.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 15/07/2023 12:57

This is really sad to read, OP.

If he wants to stay together ‘for the kids’, maybe he would consider speaking to a therapist with you, and that might open up the possibility for him to change.

If he isn’t even willing to try maybe you could go to counselling for yourself, to work on your own self esteem or figure out what you want.

Motnight · 15/07/2023 12:58

Op you deserve to feel loved.

Your DH doesn't seem to even like you.

Hopefully you will be able to get a plan together to lead a happy life.

Ketzele · 15/07/2023 12:59

I stayed far too long with somebody who didn't like me. I'm sorry, OP.

itsmylife7 · 15/07/2023 13:03

He hid his true self from you until he "put a ring on it " unfortunately.

If you don't want to break up, then go with your plan of building more of your own life.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2023 13:04

You may think your kids are oblivious to the contempt your husband has for you, but I promise you, they are not.

You still vividly remember how miserable of a man your father was, your kids will remember, too. Your relationship with your husband will shape their entire lives.

Londisc · 15/07/2023 13:11

It is not victim-blaming to ask someone why they think they married the person they did and the OP's response makes perfect sense.

OP - I would suggest that you get some therapy just for you, not couples therapy. Throwing yourself into activities is not going do it. You are a loving person who needs and deserves adult emotional intimacy.