I give my DH the ick

[200miles]

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

Agree with @Peachy2005 but would also add a warning that counselling/therapy is not recommended where abuse is present - and it does sound like OPs DH is emotionally abusive.

Absolutely do not go to counselling.

Therapy is all about being vulnerable and there is no emotional safety with men like your H.

Go to therapy yourself. Telling a total stranger about my marriage and seeing her reaction to it was really validating for me.

Oh definitely no shared counselling with an abusive man.

Complete waste of time and money.

@Endoftheroad12345 knows her business having escaped an awful example.

Men like this very very rarely respond to being spoken to.

Occasionally they cry like a baby when faced with divorce and plead they will change, and turn nastier again when this is rejected.

He's a lazy selfish gamer, who resents the changes that family life have brought to him.

He won't change.

They often don't want to separate, they certainly don't want to spent time with small children.

They are quite happy for their children to grow up damaged and confused with anxiety, through witnessing their angry grumpy behaviour throughout their childhood.

Reading about his behaviour is like death by a thousand paper cuts! I don't think there is any point to waste energy in trying to salvage this relationship. Be like piddling in the ocean. Instead focus on improving your own mental health as you have started and get organised, so that you can split with the least possible detriment for yourself and your children. Do not waste precious energy on second guessing or appeasing him. Instead sort out your finances, file and put away important documents, possibly find a very cheap storage unit (sometimes they offer quite a lot of discount) and stash away stuff you want to keep safe. This may sound OTT but he sounds like such a bitter man that he may get vindictive. Basically, have everything in motion and then tell him you are leaving him.

This, this and this again.

I was married to a replica of your husband, OP. As the kids grew older they got the mixed treatment you describe but amplified. It slowly grew with time. My greatest regret is staying too long and letting them get seriously emotionally damaged. The people advocating ‘expressing’ and ‘share how you feel’ are well meaning but have no knowledge of abusive patterns of behaviour. There is no point discussing anything with him because he will gaslight, you scream at you and you will shut down the conversation to spare the kids. Believe me, I’ve lived the script. Spare yourself and your children and get out of this abusive situation. Abuse doesn’t necessarily mean being hit or kicked or punched. It means you are being emotionally manipulated in a revolting and cruel way. Please recognise this for the sake of your kids and yourself.

Excellent advice here, OP. Please take it.

Size 12 is a perfect size ! I hope he’s a model, himself. Eyeroll

I followed your thread with interest OP. You sound brilliant, but your spirit is being crushed. You don’t deserve it.

You saying you will try growing a thicker skin reminds me of me several years ago. I resolved to do just that in the face of that joy-draining contempt from the person who promised to love me forever. I lasted about six months before I absolutely knew I had to get out of the marriage.

I learnt that if someone treats you ‘as if’ they hate you, then they do hate you. Don’t let him destroy you. Doesn’t matter why he’s doing it, what matters is getting out before he destroys your sense of self and ruins family life for your children. You are the person that makes this family. Don’t let his awful attitude to you shape their lives. You can do it.

Great post @Hillfarmer . I hope things are better for you now.

@200miles how are you doing?

I'm alright. Got first therapy session this week. Thanks for checking in @Palomapig @Hillfarmer

No arguments or anything. Kids very happy.

Something about menopause on radio last night. DH turned me to say "God you are going to be awful when that happens. I'm bloody dreading it. You're difficult enough on your period already"

I didn't say anything in response really. Just interactions like that really which make me think he hates me. But I'm not letting it affect me.

Sometimes I think he doesn't necessarily hate me, as then later that evening he was being very 'i love my family, blah blah'. I think maybe he has an issue with all women.

A phrase sometimes used on MN

"Women have very little idea of how much men hate them"
Germaine Greer.

He is absolutely vile!! I would not wait for the six months

You'll lose all your self-confidence

Hi OP, good to hear re therapy. Reading your last post I thought how sad it is that the bar is this low - ie whether he hates you or not. You deserve to feel loved and cherished (either by someone else or by yourself, happily single).

My bar is low @Palomapig - but he is below that bar. I know that. I don't think it's acceptable or attractive in any way to hear his talk about women being nightmares during the menopause or see him complaining about this or that (he complains the fridge is too far from his computer when gaming FFS).

I believe we all deserve to be loved and cherished too. I hate to say I don't think that's ever going to a reality for me. I haven't managed it yet from partners, and I don't really have any motivation to keep looking. That's ok though - I have my kids and my friends.

Some men just stop respecting their partner when they have kids. Plus he's jealous of the kids and that they love you more. That won't ever get better.

This is so sad, @200miles The idea of you puzzling over whether it’s personal or he just hates women is really heartbreaking. Please leave him and find happiness- might be the happiness of being independent or with someone else in the future but either way would be better than this.

Today I woke up thinking today would be a good day. But over breakfast he starts going on about that its sad sinead o conner died but "her songs and videos were almost certainly produced by men but of course we all need to pretend it was her talent now she's dead"

I said that was a cruel and inaccurate thing ti say but he shrugged it off.

Then first therapy session this afternoon and it was rubbish. I talked about DH, the kids, my dad, and she basically said I needed marriage counselling and it was a communication breakdown and she needed to hear DH to work on the whole relationship. She also looked a bit bored! I was pinning a lot on therapy - once I get going with that ill find a way through - but don't think I will with her at all.

It sounds like you need a new counsellor tbh.

Ew, sounds like a bad therapist. Keep looking, you don’t have to stick with the first one you see.

@200miles

Get a new therapist. And also think about what you want from therapy. It sounds to me like you want to end your marriage, but you want an independent professional to give you permission to do so.

The only person who can make that decision is you. No one - not us, not your mum, not your kids, not your H (who will never acknowledge his behaviour while you remain married to him). No one has the experience that you have of being in this marriage.

I had to (and still have to) get comfortable with the fact that some people will judge me for ending my marriage. I had been with my ex H 21 years. I’ve never heard from my MIL or sister in law again. Never seen my niece and nephew who I’ve known from the day they were born. (That was the hardest part for me - not seeing the MIL was a blessing!). It doesn’t really surprise me in retrospect - they always thought he had married beneath him and always enabled his abusive behaviour.

The people who care about me have been incredibly supportive and it would be the same for you I am sure.

Dump the arsehole counsellor.

Do NOT have joint counselling with your nasty husband.

@Endoftheroad12345 is correct.

You do not need permission.

Sit and listen to your gut.

If you say what area you live in, someone might have a recommendation.

I think an online excellent counsellor is much better than an in person lousy one.

You can always have a session in private in the car if necessary, fr privacy.

It can take a while to find a good fit with a therapist but it’s worth the attempt for sure.

I have just read through your
messages here and your husband sounds like an asshole. A petulant, immature asshole at that. I think you deserve so much better.

Hi @200miles I’m sorry you are going through this. You are right that it sounds like this man hates women. You get one life, please don’t spend it with someone who will put you down and treat you with contempt.

I wear size 12 bikini bottoms. I dare him to roll his eyes at me!

And agree that counsellour sounds terrible. Bin her off and find one who is a better fit for you