I give my DH the ick

[200miles]

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

Agree with this. It sounds a dismal existence. You could be much happier than this OP, find someone who makes you laugh and who actually likes women, and you in particular.

If you stay with him, you are normalising his behaviour to your children. Once they become teens, you'll find them eye rolling at you too, if not sooner.

Have you actually asked him what his problem is? A very blunt "it's clear you don't actually like me very much so can I ask why you're still here? Because I've got to be honest, I don't think I can put up with your shit for much longer."

Your kids will notice, and this is no way of living .

You ask in your OP if it’s possible to just grow a thicker skin and live with it. And of course it is. Millions of women (and no doubt men, too) have done this over the years for the sake of living with their kids. But millions also end up leaving and wishing they’d done it sooner.

I do think you’re going through hard years right now and in 5 or 6 years time when the kids are older there might be enough spare capacity for you both to fall back in love again. But if he (or you) really have the ick rather than just both feeling unloved and maxed out, then that’s probably not so likely.

Agree with previous poster that some counseling just for you is a really good idea. Once you know what you want and what you’re prepared to do (you talk about not feeling loved, but your proposed solution prioritises being with the kids full time over fixing that) you’ll be in a better position to improve things.

Nothing major, I'm not scared of him

That's an interesting comment. Did it occur to you that you actually might be?

I read a book once about relationships and it said that eye rolling and contempt (which he IS showing to you) is the biggest sign of relationship breakdown. This is because it smacks of a lack of respect. Money issues etc can be worked on by budgeting, debt help etc but you cant fix someone who at their core, doesnt actually respect you.

I understand your fear of leaving but please DONT underestimate the constant drip drip drip effect of such disrespect and contempt on you and your self esteem. This will grind you down into a shell of yourself if it goes on unchecked for the next ten years. You might think it will damage the kids now but what on earth is this going to do to YOU? Think very carefully about this. Your kids also deserve a mum who doesnt have rock bottom self esteem which is likely to happen if this goes on.

This is what I'd do- be prepared he'll tell you you're talking rubbish but then I'd list out everything he does that indicates this and see what his response is. Ask him how he'd feel if someone at work, a family member or a friend treated him this way and how he'd feel

@200miles my DH acted similar to this, I always suspected something was up and he would deny it. Then recently he admitted that he doesn’t fancy me, isn’t in love etc. We are in the process of working out a plan to separate but tbh he would still stay together! But I can’t take anymore. If I could go back in time I would have done something sooner, the longer you leave it the harder it is IMO. It might be worth trying counselling if you think he would agree, but I strongly advise not letting it drag on like this.

I asked my mum why she stayed with someone (not my Dad) who spoke to her like he hated her. She left for a while…but went back.

She doesn’t make the link with why nobody wants to visit.

This will damage your kids and they will treat you the same eventually and probably repeat the pattern.

Ps there are so many posts on Mumsnet where women stay until their self esteem is completely eroded and they feel too old to make a fresh start. Having read dozens of these it seems the man v rarely changes in these scenarios - and often doesn’t leave either. It’s up to the woman to decide she’s had enough.

I'm just wondering how your children would view your relationship? Children are little sponges and are very good at seeing what most adults think they can't. They must see it at times, the disrespect, the eye roll, the ignoring what you say. Just be aware that this is setting a template of how their future relationships could look. If your husband won't discuss it or even hear what your concerns are. There aren't very many options for you going forward other than to put you and your children first

I also agree children pick up on so much even if you don’t know it’s happening - and the obviousness of this increases as they get older.

@200miles

your happiness is every bit as important as the kids OP
Dump him - you deserve better

Agree with PP 100%. You will be whittled down and will end up with little self-esteem and confidence if you stay with him.

So he doesn't like, care or respect you. And you feel you should stick this out until when? The kids are at secondary? At 18? At uni or when finished uni?

I say this to all women in similar situations--it is far easier in the long-term on the children to split when they are young then when they are preteens or teens. Possibly because they accept simpler explanations and can adapt to new norms more easily.

Kids also pick on familial unhappiness. And your H's lack of respect towards may possibly lead to your children emulating your behaviour.

I'd look at your finances and research your options. Get him to leave if you can afford the house solo and if you are entitled to

I am so sorry you’ve found yourself with an abusive man. He is doing the most subtle kind and it’s often hard to prove but he is psychologically abusing you. The fact it started after you married him is a classic abusive tactic. Much more likely to put up with it now you are ‘trapped’. You’re not though and deserve so much better!

Do you think you could get him to agree to marriage counseling? If you want to stay it feels like you need to address the elephant in the room. Otherwise maybe some counseling to help you individually clarify the way forward. You don’t deserve that behaviour, you deserve better. And a size 12 isn’t big! That was nasty behaviour on his behalf and quite honestly who wants to bother making an effort when that’s the behaviour you get.

you deserve more

I could have written your post 10 years ago . I remember so well that look of distain on ex H face when I tried to start a conversation and the sheer frustration in his tone when he was talking to me .
He acknowledged the problems but he wanted to carry on cohabiting and raising our DS together.
I couldn't live like that, so at the age of 40 , after 16 years together and with 6 yr old DS we separated .
10 years on and I couldn't be happier. I have my own house , DS is 16 and sees exH 2-3 days a week. It was the best thing i could have done
good luck to you OP , whatever you decide to do

You are unhappy that your relationship with your partner is not loving and caring. That's not unreasonable in any shape or form.
Absolutely seek enjoyment and companionship in other areas, build your social life etc. It will also build your confidence and he will might see what he is missing out on and hopefully reflect and engage a bit more, but at least you will be in a better place if you do decide to separate.

really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home

if this is what you feel like (and I get it) focus on career and work.
try to get promoted and earn more
start building a life outside
stop expecting anything other than co parenting

stop giving him opportunities to belittle you
stop having sex
withdraw and do your own thing

get kids off to school
then decide

You deserve to be loved and adored.

You don't give him the ick.

He has contempt for you. It's all on him.

A lot of what you say resonates with me, so I feel for you. I have found myself distancing myself from my DH just to avoid his negativity & cynicism - especially about me. The less I'm around him, the less he can engage. Bit grim though isn't it.

How old are you OP?

Sorry, realise you said late 30s. I think there’s a strong argument for going when younger… is it worth having a nice home if you’re miserable in it? And would he go for 50/50 custody do you think?