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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I give my DH the ick

275 replies

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:02

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

OP posts:
mangochops · 15/07/2023 15:05

200miles · 15/07/2023 14:21

We had a bad day yesterday which Triggered the post but now I think reading it back it sounds like it's bad all the time

We were out for lunch and I had the little one hanging off my hip and then the older one insisted on me taking him to the loo and DH said "I guess I'll just sit here then. What am I meant to do" while I had both kids and I said "just enjoy yourself for a minute". Ended up in a park with me on the floor with younger DC and him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone

Not usually like that. he was sheepish after silly afterwards. But the eye rolls have started again today over little things.

I can't imagine what life look like with us apart co parenting. I don't have family close.

The only thing I'm confident about is money. I have my own savings.

For the love of God, leave. Your children will be seeing this and it will affect them. He hates you and isnt even trying to hide it. He is a horrible, horrible man.

Batalax · 15/07/2023 15:06

It sounds as if it’s getting worse. Is he particularly stressed at the moment? It could just be a bad patch but if it’s long term then you can’t live with that.

Counselling sounds a good idea.

Batalax · 15/07/2023 15:07

As far as friends are concerned. I certainly get things from friends and family that I don’t get from dh, and vice versa.

lifebeginsat48 · 15/07/2023 15:15

@betterthanbitter Thanks for that link. I was reading this thread thinking about how the OP's life sounds like my life then ended up on that blog. Now that exactly sounds like my life. The question is... what to do about it?

fortheloveofflowers · 15/07/2023 15:16

Well you’re teaching your children this is how men behave and what relationships are like. What you what your children to behave this way or be in a relationship like yours? If the answer is no, then leave and give them some positive role modelling

Backstreets · 15/07/2023 15:18

He is giving ME the ick.

doingthehokeykokey · 15/07/2023 15:21

egowise · 15/07/2023 13:57

You deserve to be loved and adored.

I think liked and listened to is more realistic.

Palomapig · 15/07/2023 15:22

@lifebeginsat48 @betterthanbitter that link also resonates with me. Is there any way through, do you think?

Ladybug14 · 15/07/2023 15:22

He's allowed to not like you. He's allowed to have the ick. He's allowed to have fallen out of love with you

All that can happen to any of us

He is not allowed to treat you like a piece of crap. He is not allowed to disrespect you. He is not allowed to show your children all of the above. He is not allowed to be a nasty shit to you

Ask him to move out for a month so you can have some time to work out what to do

Co parenting is very doable btw

JJ8765 · 15/07/2023 15:25

He’s a bully. My ex became like this and would say stuff to humiliate or embarrass me in public as a way of getting at me. Because I cared about that; when like you I could hold my own with him in private. The truth is the relationship is done. Most relationships have a shelf life and allocating blame probably doesn’t really help. It’s just run it’s course but because of the dc you are both carrying on. And he resents he can’t leave. The kids will adapt probably quicker and better than you. I’m the only one of my friends that divorced and it hasn’t made one bit of difference to how our kids turned out. The ones in 2 parent families weren’t magically protected from mental health issues or more successful. Kids need a calm and stable home and one great parent is enough. There’s no way back once you reach the contempt phase. It’s just a case of when it ends not if. He’s probably being mean because he’s too weak to end it and wants you to do it for him.

mswales · 15/07/2023 15:31

I'm so sad that the way you framed this post was to lay blame with yourself. This behaviour is not happening because you give your husband the ick - he is abusive. Please leave if not for you then for your children. Don't let them grow up thinking this is ok. I co-parent and it's absolutely fine. I'm sure ultimately your life will be so so much easier and happier once you are away from this man.

Watchkeys · 15/07/2023 15:32

Doesn't he give you the ick?

Bovrilla · 15/07/2023 15:35

God he would give me the massive ick with his petulance and attempts at control. What a man child.

Leave. You and the kids deserve so much better than to grow up walking on eggshells

themummylife · 15/07/2023 15:36

I understand that when you have really little children it can be difficult prioritising your relationship. Lots of couples can slip into just surviving the day and not spending much time together. But that’s completely different to what you’re experiencing. He actively dislikes you for absolutely no reason. You’ve tried to initiate a conversation about it and he won’t even engage in that. He is abusive. Shouting at you in front of your children and strangers is abusive. I know that’s so difficult to hear but it’s true. Do you have family or friends who could support you?

Imstillmagicdamnit · 15/07/2023 15:38

“I know I sound like some abused in denial”

”him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone “

I’m sorry but that’s exactly how it sounds. Abuse and denial. He sounds like a right twat and I’m genuinely sorry that he’s doing this to you and you don’t deserve eye rows, huffs, tuts, silent treatment or shouting.

MinnieTruck · 15/07/2023 15:38

Firstly you've basically posted asking for coping strategies for being treated badly.

This!! He sounds like he hates you and you’re asking for advice on how to grow a thicker skin towards that hate. Why would you even want to live this way?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 15/07/2023 15:38

Life is too short to be in a relationship like this

UnfortunateTypo · 15/07/2023 15:48

He sounds like my FIL, who was always so unpleasant to MIL. Never did much for her birthday or Christmas, ignored their anniversary every year and treated her like an idiot all the time. He would do the whole eye rolling thing, or make a sarky comment whenever she spoke, and if he could contradict her about anything he did it. It was deeply unpleasant to watch, DH would get really upset for his Mum.

To say it’s been massively infuriating to hear him now wax on about how wonderful she was after she died is an understatement. He led her a miserable life and treated her like shit. Please don’t be her, don’t put up with such a level of disrespect it’s just would destroying.

Batalax · 15/07/2023 15:52

There’s no way back once you reach the contempt phase. It’s just a case of when it ends not if. He’s probably being mean because he’s too weak to end it and wants you to do it for him.

This could definitely be true.

Livinghappy · 15/07/2023 15:57

@200miles The likely cause of him behaving like this is his childhood. How do his parents behave?

It's also common for contempt to start after commitment, such as marriage or children. I doubt it's due to young children as he would be apologetic afterwards. Those who haven't gone through this struggle to understand the dynamic. Men like this often repeat the cycle with ANYONE they are with. At first they idealise their partner, then the devaluing starts but they are keen to portray an image outside of the home so can restrain their behaviour infront of family.

I recommend that you get knowledge on abusive behaviours. Two good books, "Why does he do that" and "the verbally abusive relationship" Patricia Evans.

Whilst the children are young you might be able to contain it but as they get older he may bring them over to his side, with comments such as "isn't mummy being silly". At this point you may have no choice but to leave as you could be alienated by him.

You have to carefully plan to leave someone like this as they hate losing control.

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 15/07/2023 15:59

You're modelling relationships to your DC. They're soaking up how adults interact, and believe me, they know their dad is disdainful of their mum. You may think you're hiding things from them, but they're seeing their dad roll his eyes etc.

Plan for what life will look like if you parted - can you stay in the same area, do you want to make a move to where you have family support, do you need to wait for DC to be in school so childcare costs go down.

You could try relationship counselling, but prepare for parting at the same time. Then you know what you'll do if the counselling doesn't work (I don't think it will as seems like your DH doesn't respect you, but at least you can say you gave it a good go).

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 15/07/2023 16:02

UnfortunateTypo · 15/07/2023 15:48

He sounds like my FIL, who was always so unpleasant to MIL. Never did much for her birthday or Christmas, ignored their anniversary every year and treated her like an idiot all the time. He would do the whole eye rolling thing, or make a sarky comment whenever she spoke, and if he could contradict her about anything he did it. It was deeply unpleasant to watch, DH would get really upset for his Mum.

To say it’s been massively infuriating to hear him now wax on about how wonderful she was after she died is an understatement. He led her a miserable life and treated her like shit. Please don’t be her, don’t put up with such a level of disrespect it’s just would destroying.

Your father in law sounds just like an ex of mine. I was young and naive when I got together with him and whilst he was sweet to begin with, the contempt began and then grew and grew. The final straw was when I started a degree and was excited about what I was learning, so wanted to tell him a bit about it. He said 'Don't talk to me about that shit, talk to me again when you're back in the real world'. It was then that I left and while it was hard being alone to begin with, it was one of the best moves I've ever made. Thank heavens we never had children.

ThalattaThalatta · 15/07/2023 16:07

This sounds so awful, OP. Shouting at you like that and telling you to take it, on top of everything else you've said. You cannot live like that. Co-parenting etc might not be easy but you cannot live with a man who treats you with contempt like that. Please don't accept it as normal- it isn't.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 15/07/2023 16:08

Just to play devil's advocate- what was he like before you had children?

Two pre school age children plus both full time working is tough. It doesn't excuse the way he's treating you, but then me and my husband were pretty despicable at times to each other when the kids were that age. It's very stressful.

Maybe worth hanging in there a couple of years in case things improve? The children would be easier too by then, if you did decide to split.

ThalattaThalatta · 15/07/2023 16:09

If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad.

Gaslighting, in other words. This is abuse.

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