Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I give my DH the ick

275 replies

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:02

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 15/07/2023 14:03

Jeezo, op. He doesn’t kiss you, doesn’t fancy you, doesn’t like you, clearly doesn’t respect you. I could cry for you op - life is so short, please don’t live like this any more.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/07/2023 14:04

So tell me, why is it a better option to stay with someone who doesn’t like you and get a lover? Modelling the right kind of relationship to your children.

FGS woman, leave! If he is such a good parent he will stay in the life of his children anyway.

Prelapsarianhag · 15/07/2023 14:11

So sad for you reading this, and sad for your kids too, they will notice and they will copy. You say you are not scared of him but you are, otherwise you would call him out for the fucking abusive cunt that he is every time he eye rolled.

Escapetofrance · 15/07/2023 14:14

Most people on here will tell you to leave and you can do better-which of course you could. However it’s not always the right option. Sharing custody of your children and them getting used to new partners that their parents have will be a huge upheaval as will having two homes.
Have you tried counselling? I think find hobbies etc is a good idea, regardless of whether you stay or not. All the best.

TaigaSno · 15/07/2023 14:20

"But I don't know if I can live like this."

You need to have a "cards on the table" conversation with each other starting with this comment. Just the two of you, away from the kids and other distractions.
It could be that you are both stuck in a rut that often comes with working a lot, kids, life pressures, and perhaps by addressing it you can find a way through and come back together. Or it might be that the two of you just don't love each other anymore, in which case, you do need to separate.
Living the rest of your life in a loveless marriage is a disastrous plan. It will be toxic for your kids. I grew up with parents who didn't love each other, it really destroyed my self confidence and esteem and has affected how I am in my relationship. You will both be utterly miserable until the inevitable happens, one of you meets someone else.

Original poster
200miles · 15/07/2023 14:21

We had a bad day yesterday which Triggered the post but now I think reading it back it sounds like it's bad all the time

We were out for lunch and I had the little one hanging off my hip and then the older one insisted on me taking him to the loo and DH said "I guess I'll just sit here then. What am I meant to do" while I had both kids and I said "just enjoy yourself for a minute". Ended up in a park with me on the floor with younger DC and him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone

Not usually like that. he was sheepish after silly afterwards. But the eye rolls have started again today over little things.

I can't imagine what life look like with us apart co parenting. I don't have family close.

The only thing I'm confident about is money. I have my own savings.

OP posts:
SayHi · 15/07/2023 14:23

I know you have said you’ve spoken to him but I’d try again and tell him that you cannot live like this any longer and if it carries on you’ll have no choice but to leave.

People do get the ‘ick’ and fall out of love with their partners, there are countless women on here feeling how your DH feels.
But there’s absolutely no need to be rude.

I would set a deadline.
Perhaps the 1st January and tell him that if things haven’t changed by the new year then you’ll have no choice but to separate.

I think couples counselling would be really beneficial to you both.
He needs to think before he speaks and if he’s got something negative to say then don’t say anything at all.

I don’t know if this relationship can get back on track and if not then that’s ok.

Yes you might lose your home but you may be able to buy him out instead.

You say he’s a great dad and a nice person and so Co-parenting should be much easier and you won’t have to worry about when he’s looking after the kids.

It may be that you are both better as friends and live your lives separately.

SayHi · 15/07/2023 14:26

We were out for lunch and I had the little one hanging off my hip and then the older one insisted on me taking him to the loo and DH said "I guess I'll just sit here then. What am I meant to do" while I had both kids and I said "just enjoy yourself for a minute". Ended up in a park with me on the floor with younger DC and him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone

Sorry I may have misunderstood.

You were out for lunch and you took your kids to the loo but ended up in the park whilst he was sat at the table by himself?

If so I would be annoyed too tbh.
Why didn’t you give the other kid to him whilst you took the one that needed the loo to the loo?
And why did you go to the park and not go and get him first?

Original poster
200miles · 15/07/2023 14:26

I know it sounds like I'm some abused woman in denial but honestly I don't call him out on the eye rolls because I don't want to argue in front of the kids. I'm not scared of him.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/07/2023 14:30

He doesn't love you any more and he's not afraid to show it. You deserve so much better.

ifonlyicouldthinkstraight · 15/07/2023 14:31

I first actually saw a bit of disdain and impatience on our honeymoon

This is so sad. Surely the 'honeymoon period' lasts longer than the actual honeymoon? Why are some men like this - wooing and attentive and all that then as soon as they've clinched the deal (marriage and/or kids) they reveal themselves to be uncaring and unsupportive wankers.

OneCup · 15/07/2023 14:31

What was it like for your mum? Would you have advised her to leave your dad?

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2023 14:34

200miles · 15/07/2023 14:21

We had a bad day yesterday which Triggered the post but now I think reading it back it sounds like it's bad all the time

We were out for lunch and I had the little one hanging off my hip and then the older one insisted on me taking him to the loo and DH said "I guess I'll just sit here then. What am I meant to do" while I had both kids and I said "just enjoy yourself for a minute". Ended up in a park with me on the floor with younger DC and him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone

Not usually like that. he was sheepish after silly afterwards. But the eye rolls have started again today over little things.

I can't imagine what life look like with us apart co parenting. I don't have family close.

The only thing I'm confident about is money. I have my own savings.

God! What would you have thought if you'd seen someone else in that position?

That's awful

It's worse than contempt.

Palomapig · 15/07/2023 14:38

Wtf? From your update he sounds abusive, no question. Can you go somewhere with the kids for a while? If you have money that’s great, you’re in a good position to separate.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 15/07/2023 14:38

It sounds like he resents the children and your relationship with them, tbh. That would give me the ick about him if i were you.

BadNomad · 15/07/2023 14:39

Is this really how you are going to live your one life? What a waste. Tell him you are thinking about separation. See what he suggests.

JudgeAnderson · 15/07/2023 14:39

You were out for lunch and you took your kids to the loo but ended up in the park whilst he was sat at the table by himself?

I think the park was after the lunch as he was clearly present as well to shout at her.

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 14:40

You deserve better
Your kids should not think this is normal

Get proper legal and financial advice my friend went part time to get max benefits

RobertaFirmino · 15/07/2023 14:50

Oh for goodness sake, don't let yourself continue to be abused (and you are being abused) for the sake of a house.

What's more important - your own self esteem and ensuring that your children do not grow up to be abusers like their father or accepting of abuse like their mother or a configuration of bricks lined with fancy wallpaper?

blacksax · 15/07/2023 14:51

200miles · 15/07/2023 14:26

I know it sounds like I'm some abused woman in denial but honestly I don't call him out on the eye rolls because I don't want to argue in front of the kids. I'm not scared of him.

You are an abused woman in denial.

His behaviour towards you is despicable, and he is doing it in front of the dc which means that by abusing you he is abusing them as well. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like?

CapEBarra · 15/07/2023 14:53

I’d take control. ‘You are clearly not happy with me, You treat me with distain and I find it rude and unpleasant. I would like you to leave. I deserve and can get better’.

Moonshine160 · 15/07/2023 14:57

OP, you don’t sound like a doormat. So please stop being one. You deserve so much better than this, you deserve to feel loved. You don’t even feel liked at the moment.

Yes, co-parenting will be hard but I’m sure it’ll be better than being in this type of relationship where the kids see no love between their parents. They will eventually pick up on what’s going on.

Your post made me feel so sad for you. You sound miserable but you just accept that this is the way you have to live your life, when it really doesn’t have to be this way. Many women on mumsnet stay in a relationship because of financial reasons and you’ve already said that this is your least concern. I see no reason for you to stay. You deserve to be happy. Your children will still have two loving parents if you separate.

LadyLolaRuben · 15/07/2023 14:57

Firstly you've basically posted asking for coping strategies for being treated badly.

You say the only thing you're confident about is your financial position...that is your freedom and new life right there OP.

Hopefully after reading these posts you will notice just how mean he is, how often he is like that and the range of methods he uses.

Get the ick OP and plan your exit to a new beginning

madamovaries · 15/07/2023 14:58

Some years ago, I remember reading about a study that looked at married couples arguing and then whether they stayed together. What they were arguing about wasn’t the issue; the scientists analysed both women and men’s faces to see how they respond to conflict.

the two emotions that heralded the end weren’t anger and unhappiness but disgust and indifference. That’s where your husband is.

You deserve so much better.

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 15/07/2023 15:01

Oh no, OP. This is outright contempt. There's no way to have a healthy relationship with this person.

I know it's hard, but from an outside perspective, you need to leave. I'm sure this isn't what you planned for your life, is it?