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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I give my DH the ick

275 replies

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:02

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

OP posts:
mangochops · 19/07/2023 08:34

OP- you sound so deeply unhappy. I think this is less about you being a martyr and more about speaking your truth. You've expressed so many of your feelings to us which is great, but you havent expressed them to him- the person its about. I know you said he doesnt respond well but I still think it needs to be expressed. Talk to him when you are both calm and express this. Its unhealthy to bottle up resentment and unhappiness and he needs to know how serious this is.

It wont be an easy conversation and you're right- he might get angry/react badly but if you have told him how you feel and what you need in this relationship and he wont or cant give it to you then if/when you leave you will know you gave him the opportunity to help fix it and he blew it. There is nothing more you can do then. If it were me, I'd have said "I dont appreciate the way you're talking to me or your anger at me, I am the one who has been getting up during the night to sort out our son and when you say xyz it makes me feel really upset. I dont like it and I wont tolerate this any more." Why does he get to express his anger and you dont?- you can express anger in a healthy way, it doesnt need to be screaming and shouting. He needs to know there will be consequences to his behaviour- if you just take it and carry on as normal, he will continue on and on.

Palomapig · 19/07/2023 08:36

Hi @200miles this isn’t you being a martyr. He’s being useless along with all the other awful qualities you’ve written about.

I think you need a concrete plan to get out of there. What kind of time scale are you thinking of?

WimpoleHat · 19/07/2023 08:40

Crying and restless for 40 mins, lots of me patting him bum and singing to him

I’m not sure it’s advice - but just looking at the situation you outlined above in isolation, I’d say that’s a clash of parenting styles? If he’s more of a “go back to bed and stay there” type, then he probably does find all of the above irritating. And then of course DS will scream for you when his dad goes in because he knows his dad won’t do all of that and will just tell him to go back to bed…..and then that will further irritate someone who feels that he’s expected to deal with a situation that you’ve exacerbated by the 40 minutes of patting and singing. I’m not saying you’re wrong, by the way - I always did similar with my kids as I hated leaving them to cry. I’m just saying I think that’s what’s going on here.

Original poster
200miles · 19/07/2023 08:43

@mangochops he's v sensitive to any rejection. So he can be brilliant with the kids but if they prefer me or don't respond well to him he gives up and is moody.

You're right though. I guess it's always hard in the moment. So I woke up him 2 mins before I need to leave for work so in that 2 mins he huffs and puffs at me but I don't have time to express myself. Same with kids being about - I don't want to start anything in front of them. Then in the evening he often games for quite a long time and I'm early to bed but I need to do it then. I have tried and he says all in my head. Like about this morning he would say "you're crazy. I had just woken up and you're going to bloody analyse me". But I will keep trying to express myself and tell him some of what I've said here.

OP posts:
Original poster
200miles · 19/07/2023 08:47

@WimpoleHat DH would do patting and comforting too if/when DS let's him. We always give him 5 mins to settle himself but last night he was so loud! We can't leave him to cry as he sleeps so close to his older brother. I was irritating him when i bought DS into our bed I'm sure. But I was out of ideas and really needed to get some sleep. I'll ask DH tonight what made him so angry and impatient with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
200miles · 19/07/2023 08:49

@Palomapig I had 6 months in my head to get therapy, save money, start exercising again, get advice and then in January see where I am.

OP posts:
NameChangeAgainChange · 19/07/2023 08:51

I don't understand what in that incident is supposed to be you being a martyr. You asked him to help and he didn't. Getting up to deal with small children is a normal part of parenting, not martyrdom. Calling you a martyr is just a way of avoiding doing anything himself or feeling gratitude- he can do fuck all and still feel superior.

I think he's just an arse, OP. You've blamed yourself many times in this thread (even the title is about you giving him the ick rather than him being a rude prick) and maybe that's appealing because if the problem is you, you might be able to fix it. But it doesn't sound as if the problem is you at all.

Palomapig · 19/07/2023 08:57

NameChangeAgainChange · 19/07/2023 08:51

I don't understand what in that incident is supposed to be you being a martyr. You asked him to help and he didn't. Getting up to deal with small children is a normal part of parenting, not martyrdom. Calling you a martyr is just a way of avoiding doing anything himself or feeling gratitude- he can do fuck all and still feel superior.

I think he's just an arse, OP. You've blamed yourself many times in this thread (even the title is about you giving him the ick rather than him being a rude prick) and maybe that's appealing because if the problem is you, you might be able to fix it. But it doesn't sound as if the problem is you at all.

This. And calling you crazy is gaslighting, plain and simple.

Your timescale sounds good, OP, if you think you can manage for that long. Do you have any supportive friends or family who can be there for you?

TheGasBoard · 19/07/2023 08:57

What a huge amount of time, energy and headspace you feel you need to spend on this prick.

Focus on getting away from him.

WimpoleHat · 19/07/2023 09:00

DH would do patting and comforting too if/when DS lets him. We always give him 5 mins to settle himself but last night he was so loud! We can't leave him to cry as he sleeps so close to his older brother.

Ah - fair enough - in which case, ignore me! In that case, it does sound like your DH is taking out his own irritation on you, which isn’t on at all.

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:02

What will change in 6 months @200miles

If there is something that will happen over that time that makes your options easier - money, logistics, kids starting school, whatever - then I get it. But if you’re setting yourself a 6 month timeframe so you know you’ve “tried” - don’t be a masochist.

Can you imagine refusing to get up if the roles were reversed? you had a day off and your husband had a big day of work ahead? I can’t imagine doing that to someone I loved. I get it though - my ex did stuff like that all the time.

Seriously if you left tomorrow, in 6 month’s time you will be over the worst of it and on a pathway to real happiness. Or just maybe he’ll get the shock of his life and sort himself out (doubt it but anything’s possible).

Or you could stick around and be treated like shit for another 6 months.

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:03

also why did you need to wake him up before you left? When you were the one who had been up half the night? doesn’t he have an alarm clock? Or is that you - his multi purpose appliance?

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:04

A nice man would have
(a) shared the load with the night wakings
(b) got up and sorted out the kids and brought you a coffee

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 09:07

There is nothing in your behaviour that is martyr ish.

He's a lazy selfish arse who was just his usual nasty self.

Move into the spare room asap with the excuse of not disturbing him as he clearly wants no part of dealing with the children at night.

You wil be peaceful and have space if you take that room.

He's a gamer?

No surprise there.

I know there is a subsection on here that thinks endless gaming is normal even with a family🙄, i certainly don't.

I have two sons that game intermittently if they are home.

We have always kept a tight control on it as they were younger and they now are casual gamers that play with close friends.

However, extensive gaming can be very stressful and can cause players to be cranky and short tempered.

Nothing scientific about this, just what I have heard from many other mothers and friends over the years and saw myself.

You need to detach OP.

Take the spare room.

Take the space.

He cannot be fixed.

He is awful, nasty and is emotionally abusing you with this behaviour.

roarrfeckingroar · 19/07/2023 09:14

I could see myself writing this in two years. We're 4 years in and I recognise lots of what you're saying. Im leaving soon. We're at the stage where we still care for and respect each other but much longer and it'll be past that and co-parenting would be harder. I've just bought a house, just waiting for contracts etc. for me and the 2 kids. You deserve more; like I do.

Palomapig · 19/07/2023 09:14

Yes agree re the spare room! That will give you more space to sort your head out for the next six months.

PinedApple · 19/07/2023 09:17

Hope your presentation goes well - you've got this!

I do think you should try and have a sit down and explain as other PPs have said. I find the following structure helpful as it's not too 'blame-y' but focuses on a behaviour:

'When you do X, it makes me feel Y.'

'When you call me crazy, it makes me feel worse because I'm upset at something you've said and I'm then not allowed to react or else I'm 'crazy'.'

'When you shout at me in public I feel humiliated.'

I would also ask him not to interrupt you so you can get your thoughts out, and if you can try to say it all quite calmly and matter of fact.

Like others have said, I'm not sure he'll change and I'm sorry you're going through this. But at least you will have explained how you're feeling and tried not to let him just fob it off.

Hope you have a better day today Flowers

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:27

Sorry but @PinedApple spare me

Do you think men like this sit there placidly and along when you explain “when you roll your eyes at me/tell me to fuck off it hurts my feelings”?

Do you think they have a lightbulb moment and say oh gosh my darling I didn’t relate I am so horrified I hurt your feelings?

Spoiler alert - they don’t. He will roll his eyes, stonewall, walk out of the room, and if she persists he will explode at her and tell her to get off his back/fuck off/stop being a nagging bitch.

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:29

When I was exhausted, doing everything, run absolutely ragged my friends would say “you need to tell ex H he needs to get up in the night/take the kids away/give you a break”

As if I didn’t ask for help constantly. He did not give a fuck.

PinedApple · 19/07/2023 09:33

Sorry @Endoftheroad12345 you're totally right.

I just thought it might be helpful for OP to feel she had said her piece. Not that he will change or have a lightbulb moment.

But it's up to her if she feels she needs that or not.

ThalattaThalatta · 19/07/2023 09:39

'When you call me crazy, it makes me feel worse because I'm upset at something you've said and I'm then not allowed to react or else I'm 'crazy'.'

'When you shout at me in public I feel humiliated.'

There's something really disturbing about these sentences. What next, "when you punch me in the face it makes me feel sad"?

Endoftheroad12345 · 19/07/2023 09:40

Sorry @PinedApple I sound like I have anger issues myself! I know it’s well intentioned advice but if these men had any empathy or self awareness they wouldn’t behave the way they do. They will take until you have nothing left to give. I genuinely think the only option is to leave.

PinedApple · 19/07/2023 09:44

@ThalattaThalatta yes, you're right. The way he treats her is disturbing and not okay - sometimes just saying it out loud (to the perpetrator or someone else) can help someone see how wrong it all is.

PinedApple · 19/07/2023 09:49

@Endoftheroad12345 it definitely sounds like that's the best option for OP at this stage. Sorry for what you went through glad you are out of it now!

Peachy2005 · 19/07/2023 10:56

6 more months of this sounds impossible!

I think I’d be saying “we need marriage counselling or this is over”. He sounds like he would never agree but at least he has been given the chance. Trying to talk to him - without a mediator there - sounds like beating your head against a brick wall. So does staying for another 6 months!

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