Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

172 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:26

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 14/07/2023 16:32

17 years age difference is big and it’s showing. Your marriage sounds dead in the water.

LobsterCrab · 14/07/2023 16:35

Can you explain why you feel more terrified about him finding another woman and her spending time with your kids, than of him just looking after them on his own (given that he sounds pretty useless at that)?

liondreams · 14/07/2023 16:35

sounds like you've made your mind up! how does he feel about the relationship? how does he act when you ask for more help and convey the issues.

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 16:36

It’s the age difference, it gets bigger as you get older.
You don’t want him to be part of your future, but he will always be part of your life due to sharing children.
My DH started with ED in his 50’s. You have yet to have your last hormonal gagging for it flush, don’t waste it on a man you don’t want to shag. Unfortunately I did.

ArcticSkewer · 14/07/2023 16:37

This is a lot of people's dilemmas.
You are really young. Do you want to start over now, while kids are also young, or wait til they are older?
What's better financially?

BringOnSummerHolidays · 14/07/2023 16:38

It's the age gap showing. He's getting to middle age and wanting more comfort while you are still very young. I'm 48 and very fit but I'll tell you I'll be knackered if I have 3 young kids. I'm also a lot more interested in pottering at home instead of going out. Looking back 35 seems so young.

You say yourself he's still reasonably attractive. How about you? Why are you bothered by him with another woman? It sounds like you are already have made up your mind that you are better off without him.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:39

LobsterCrab · 14/07/2023 16:35

Can you explain why you feel more terrified about him finding another woman and her spending time with your kids, than of him just looking after them on his own (given that he sounds pretty useless at that)?

I suppose because at least he’s a known quantity and I know how he’ll be with the children. He’s very old fashioned, though, thinks that children should not talk at dinner and forces them to eat their mains before any pudding etc

If he introduces someone else to them, how do I safeguard my own children? I didn’t have the best upbringing and I don’t want the same thing happening to them behind closed doors. The truth is I can protect them if I don’t live with them and that worries me. It’s why I feel trapped.

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 14/07/2023 16:39

It’s very telling that the only problem you see is that he will meet someone else and she will be a stepmother to your children.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:41

ArcticSkewer · 14/07/2023 16:37

This is a lot of people's dilemmas.
You are really young. Do you want to start over now, while kids are also young, or wait til they are older?
What's better financially?

I don’t know really. I’d feel very guilty about splitting the family up.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 14/07/2023 16:43

Really consider how much you think he'd actually care for your children I doubt he'd want them 50/50 so they're likely to be with you for the majority of their time. It is really worth bringing them up in a miserable household and impacting their well-being for an absolute unknown, who could turn out to be another nice person who gets taken for a ride by your husband.....

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:43

Why are you bothered by him with another woman?

I think I’m a little misunderstood here. I don’t think I’d feel jealous about him being with anyone else (they can have him, honestly) but I’m worried about someone else being such a huge part of my kids’ lives.

OP posts:
PowerBMI · 14/07/2023 16:46

Splitting what family?

You can't stand him. He doesn't bother with the kids. That's not a family.

Katrinawaves · 14/07/2023 16:47

Most marriages go through these kinds of periods especially when kids are young. It doesn’t have to mean marriage is irretrievable unless you want it to be.

if you are only thinking trial separation rather than straight to divorce maybe invest in some marriage counselling together combined with a few sessions with a mediator who can help you both understand where you would each financially stand if you split (which will also help focus his mind on the marriage counselling and the need for you both to make genuine and lasting changes if the marriage is to continue)

SadSandwich · 14/07/2023 16:50

Your fear isn’t grounded in your children’s reality but your own fears - something from your background? Either way it’s telling me that you don’t trust your husband to protect your kids if you weren’t around. So you are carrying everything and you don’t even trust your husband to look after you and your needs.

Greengrassoh · 14/07/2023 16:50

How were you tricked?

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 16:53

Realistically by the time he’s met someone, gotten serious etc your kids will be told old to accept a stepmum. She’ll just be dads girlfriend.
and even if you split with him today, it’s up to you when you allow this potential other women to be involved.
am I right in saying you’ve never felt in control of things? Because to me it sounds like you have more control then you realise. No other women can come in and step on your toes you’re their mother and it’s your call.

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 16:53

Perhaps you need to look at why you don’t want sex with him, even though he’s very attractive, and maybe start with some date nights.
You’re youngest is only 2, it’s hard work at that stage, beware of doing some you might regret.

Greengrassoh · 14/07/2023 16:55

even if you split with him today, it’s up to you when you allow this potential other women to be involved

How so? Surely it will be up to him?

PowerBMI · 14/07/2023 16:56

Mumtothreegirlies · 14/07/2023 16:53

Realistically by the time he’s met someone, gotten serious etc your kids will be told old to accept a stepmum. She’ll just be dads girlfriend.
and even if you split with him today, it’s up to you when you allow this potential other women to be involved.
am I right in saying you’ve never felt in control of things? Because to me it sounds like you have more control then you realise. No other women can come in and step on your toes you’re their mother and it’s your call.

Op doesn't get to decide when he introduces a new partner

WolfFoxHare · 14/07/2023 16:58

Yes, can you say more why you feel tricked? Is it because he was in his early 40s when you met and was a lot more energetic? Because there is a massive difference between being 52 with 3 little kids and being childless at 40! I’m not sure it’s fair to characterise that as him ‘tricking’ you. It just sounds like he’s considerably older than you which can’t really be that big of a surprise, surely?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/07/2023 17:01

How exactly were you tricked? You were 26, an adult who presumably knew she was marrying and having kids with a much older man.

You're also not trapped, you can leave any time you want.

It sounds like you're making excuses for your past and future decisions because you don't actually want to make the hard choices. Time to grow up OP.

Hollyppp · 14/07/2023 17:01

I think OP feels tricked because he was a different character/ personality when they first met and now he’s not all the good things and qualities that attracted her to him in the first place.

HappiDaze · 14/07/2023 17:01

You'll always be their DM and they will love you as such

Just hope that whomever comes into their lives is kind to them that's your only worry

You won't be replaced

CamCola · 14/07/2023 17:01

Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:43

Why are you bothered by him with another woman?

I think I’m a little misunderstood here. I don’t think I’d feel jealous about him being with anyone else (they can have him, honestly) but I’m worried about someone else being such a huge part of my kids’ lives.

That will happen. There isn’t anything you can do to stop it so if you want to split then wrap Your head around it now.

MackenCheese · 14/07/2023 17:02

Sounds like in your mind its over. I doubt he'll want the kids 50/50 so the stepmother thing could be a non-issue. Breaking up family is often sad, but do you really want to be with him into your 40s?

Swipe left for the next trending thread