I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

[Mysteriousgirl2]

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

So you can have children and fly planes and fight in a war at 26. Teach and supervise children. Be a doctor in a&e. Drive an ambulance. Be a therapist. But it’s too young to choose a husband?

gosh I’m so glad I have people of all ages in my life. I’d have missed out on so many wonderful friends if I refused to engage with anyone if they weren’t in the same “year as me at school”

He sound like a mean piece of work, but that's not due to his age

You're unhappy, but don't want to leave and you use an excuse of his old-fashioned ways as a reason to stay, so that your children can live with a man you believe you need to safeguard them from...make it make sense.

If you dislike him so much then just leave, your kids will be much better off out of that toxic environment you're both creating for them.

You made your bed, had full agency so suggest you suck it up, have a chat with him and explain how you feel and find a way forward that suits not just you but the children you jointly brought into the world. Grass always seems greener and sometimes, it just isn't.

Never mind ‘getting into’ he’s smack bang middle aged.

Realistically, a 50 odd year old man with a 2 year old child won't appeal to many women. Those his own age won't want to go back/through the young child phase, and younger women will more likely want their own children, and not with him, or have their own already i doubt he'd want to take on, or they may want to be childless. Few 20/30's childless women will want to get with a 50 something with a toddler, i sure wouldn't!

Are you trying to say he puts his own interests first ahead of the children? And you know the situation would be worse if you were not present?

OP, I think you're being very defeatist about this.

Claiming you were tricked. And that you're now trapped. And you've got to put up with it/make the best of it.

You always had, and still have choices. You have responsibility for your life. It's not being done to you. It's yours to live.

If you choose to stay with him, that's up to you. Don't blame anyone else.

But please, think about your options seriously. Don't write anything off. Don't stay because you're worried about a potential step-parent. You are strong enough and have enough love to give the children great self esteem and confidence to stand up for themselves or tell you if anything is making them unhappy.

Don't live in an unhappy family just to avoid your DC having to spend time with the sort of woman your H might hook up with long term.

If I were you, I'd choose to be happy.

Just a general question - at what point do you consider an adult to be an actual adult? and at what age some level of responsibility can be expected regarding choices people make for their lives?

Lots of people have access to and influence over your children, including extended family on both sides; babysitters, nursery workers and school teachers; their friends; parents of their friends; your friends; people who run kids activities; your own new partner(s); and any other adults who help raise your children.

That's only going to accelerate as they get older, and in a decade or so, they'll be off out the door into their own lives anyway. Best start loosening that grip now!

You sound more than a bit controlling irrational to be focusing on some potential random woman's influence. You chose DH to have children with. Now you have to trust him to keep them safe. Or take legal steps to prevent his access, IF there is a genuine safeguarding concern.

It might help to have some therapy to resolve your own childhood hurts.

Dont live with someone you don't like. If you have your own money you have choices. Some women enjoy every other weekend off (my sister did). You need legal advice. Have you a friend to speak to? I agree with other posters your children will not suffer with any future gf of your ex husband, it would be rare indeed and I am a ex prison visitor (not to scare you but women abusers are rare. Prisons are full of female drug mules and shoplifters) . You need to be involved and engage that woman if you think that is likely to happen. Don't judge someone you have never met. I suggest that you ask him to leave but be mindful you then have all the childcare and possible living expenses if he won't pay. I have many friends who have divorced in their 50s and wish they had done it sooner. I dated men twenty years older than me and at 57 that wouldn't work for me now. Too last of the summer wine.

Please don't feel you have to settle for this for life @Mysteriousgirl2 .

Im imagining the queue of woman for a work shy 52 year old with 3 young children who doesn’t pull his weight in a relationship..

I honestly feel that were another woman around whilst he had your children that he’d tone down the disciplinarian as he wants to be seen as the good guy. She’s be a buffer if anything.

do you think you’ll leave eventually @Mysteriousgirl2 once the kids are older?

Youll be his carer soon if you aren’t careful. There’s never a good / best time to leave.

what if he becomes really ill in 10 years time and needs a lot of personal care. You won’t want to leave him because what will the children think etc.

And you think your 3 children will have a happier life with mum half existing in a miserable marriage and having to constantly play interference to a disciplinarian father figure that’s totally disinterested in his wife and children. Sounds like a lovely environment for them and for them to bring friends into as they grow up. A home with unspoken tension and a miserable relationship model.

" In any case she may not be interested in them. A woman in late 40s or early 50s won't want to be landed with someone else's children."

Well, no, but she might be interested in OP's ex (he seems reasonably attractive) and the children will come along with that. She will also know that at her age, many of the men she meets might have children, even if she'd expect them to be a bit older.

And any of us could be run over by a bus tomorrow.

tbh it sounds like they would be better with a step-parent in place for when they are at their days the way u are describing him.
or would u rather they have a stepparent who doesn't give a shit about them for fear of her doing something good?

Re read your first post. It's dripping with sorbet!

it might also be the case if ur worrying about bringing new people into the family and a
cinderella effect that it might actually be YOU who brings a new partner into their lives who then is not good to them if that is the way u see others .

My lovely friend is having a similar situation- the attractive and well off guy she got with in her mid 30s when he was mid 50s is now mid 60s and no longer a bit of a stud and although she does love him I know this aspect saddens her- no kids involved though . I know age differences can work but it's often difficult to anticipate in what way people will age. Some are really active and up for anything at 65 whereas just a night out is a big deal for others (male and female) - I would end it OP- not only does he sound an old 51, he sounds unpleasant too - you were not tricked but had no way of knowing how he would age so quickly

Bingo. Spot on.

I think from they way you talking you don’t want to be with him so leave while you still have a future ahead.

Another woman won’t be raising your kids, she will be in the background at best and that will be years off.

Having a trial separation would give both a chance to decide what you want, but I'd say it's most likely going to end in divorce. Thing is, you can't leave someone and tell them they have to remain single, or at least not involve the GF in your children's lives. You know thats not reasonable, right?
Also, he's right that 3 children can be tiring, both physically and psychologically. Maybe he's telling his friends you're no fun anymore and things are dead in bed. He might be relieved to separate.

So many judgmental comments here. OP said she did not have the best childhood. Perhaps she craved stability or father figure. I know this because I have been in a somewhat similar situation although not exactly same circumstances. I also craved protection and care and was codependent because of neglectful childhood. I met an older man (10 years) who gave me that. But as years showed we were totally incompatible romantically because of the age difference. I was too vulnerable to uderstand this when younger. People who never had any kind of trauma or come from happy families will not understand how this situation has ocurred.

The concern seems to be stemming from your own experiences, objectively it isn’t rational to stay in a dysfunctional relationship because you are afraid of the influence a potential future partner (your DH hasn’t even met yet) might have on your children.

If he picked you, why would he suddenly choose to be with someone abusive, why wouldn’t he pick someone else like you?

I would suggest counselling to work through some of the concerns and issues and for support as it seems quite an isolating situation for you. You are still young and have the opportunity to be in the type of set up that might be better for your DC rather than this one.

Get rid of him. Never go for an old man again, it's just sick. Get therapy too.

yes - people judge us for our choices. Even if these can be explained by our past, we're still responsible for said choices or their outcomes. Especially when we choose to remain passive and still blame everything but ourselves for our situation.

OPs partner sucks because of his views, not his age. If he was sexist and lazy but similar age to her, what excuses would you use?

Now she's 35 and still looking for excuses to not change her situation AND have something or someone to blame for not doing anything. With that attitude she will be 60 and still feel tricked by her husband and probably bunch of other people