I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

[Mysteriousgirl2]

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

forces them to eat their mains before any pudding
Missing the point of the thread but why is this old fashioned, doesn't everyone do this?!

Normal people don't force.

Also probably says stuff like if you don't eat your dinner, you won't get your cake.

Only 2-3 years ago you let this 50 year old man father your third child. You must have been ok with him then to even consider doing that, surely? Is it you that wanted children more than he did, and he just went along with it? Did he want to be 65 with a 15 year old child? It seems unlikely, unless he is rich and can afford lots and lots of help about the house, which is sounds like he isn't.
Something is missing with this story. Good luck and if you don't want him, let him go and get on with doing your own thing.

It's not old fashioned to teach children to eat dinner before pudding.

Yes and she should absolutely take action now. I am not saying she should stay. But she was a vulnerable young woman and it was a big factor in her decision making process and it needs to be recognized.

she was 26, and she was 33 when she had her latest child with this man who apparently doesn't help her at all or takes any interest in her children

As someone who tried to stay in a marriage with a man I no longer liked and felt trapped with, I say don’t do it. It will slowly corrode you. You can’t be a good mother when you are in mental turmoil yourself. I thought exactly like you did, that I would find happiness elsewhere. It doesn’t really work. Initially, you think it does. But Slowly the misery from the core of your life, spreads like a cancer to the other parts, destroying them too. And you know that the other parts of your life ‘the fun bits’ are thin and superficial and just pathetic little plasters over the open gaping wounds in the rest of your life.

Just don’t do it. It will ruin you and affect your kids like it did mine.

Leave whilst your kids are young. You being miserable if you stay is a certainty and it’s certain that will affect the kids. They might not get a step mum and it might be fine if they do.

And yes, a lazy broke 52 year old is not the catch you might think he is.

It sounds like an arranged marriage to me. In my very personal opinion, sometimes they work but if yours was arranged, it has not worked for you. Age, interests and everything else need to be aligned. I can see why a big age gap works for an older man, but not much appeal in the relationship for a younger woman. Especially not once you have children to protect.

On Mumsnet? Probably around the age of the OP's husband.

My 48 year old husband was just whining the other day about wanting more babies around. Men get baby crazy too. They just whine and cry even more later on if you give in to their wants. Why I got fixed, which was no easy feat here in the land of freedom unless you have a uterus or melanin. They have done surveys that show that men want children more than women, in general. I have zero problem believing that he wanted those kids and maybe even pushed for them. Especially since he was getting up in age.

OP, you say that he will want 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance, this would mean that, during his contact days, he'd have to organise and pay for childcare for 3 DC. Would he really be up for that?

Why not say what you really mean!?😂

It's hard to understand what the issue is here OP. Was he always like this when you had the first child? I honestly think someone needs to cream from the rooftops that if it isn't working we can stop at 1 child... how old are your kids? Does he work full time?

I honestly think someone needs to cream from the rooftops

sounds exhilarating.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose , sounds disgusting.

Quite right about it not being the age. I know a very hands-on Dad of a primary aged kid who is in his 50s, he forgoes other things in life when he's too tired, not the child or the family. Works full time despite a health condition. In his early 50s my own father was plenty busy with an active job, family, DIY and when he had time, a hobby he'd postponed starting until we were older and there was a bit more time and money available to do it. The older I get the more I appreciate it, too.

If you plan on staying then a non negotiable should be that he pulls his weight financially. He does fuck all else so he can at the very least do that. Tell him, you will be paying half of exactly everything and he needs to find his half. Tell him you are tired of carrying him. Start making some good choices that actually benefit you.

Well said. Ageism is rife on MN. It makes me puke

You weren't tricked and you're not trapped! You made choices and they've not worked out like you hoped, happens to lots of us, in all sorts of areas of life. You can make new choices, take control of your life and ownership of your actions. Don't go through life believing that everyone else is in charge, tricking and trapping you.

If you don't like the person your husband has become, make plans to leave him. Don't stay out of fear of an unknown woman who may or may not be part of your children's lives at some point in the unknown future. Deal with what's in front of you.

She can tell him all she wants. However she can't make him do it.

I'm also confused by this. It's how I (late 20s) was brought up and how my nieces younger cousins are brought up now. Tbh, I'd have assumed it was a sensible thing that most people do.

to be honest i have a slight suspicion that OP may have exaggerated to somehow explain her unhappiness that she is unwilling to deal with

like she needs to safeguard her children against not stuffing their faces with sugar before having normal meal!

@PaintedEgg If you knew me, you’d know that I’m as against sugar as they come.

The mealtime thing is not just about simply eating mains before pudding, it’s more sinister than that.

My DH forces the children to eat everything on their plates and will often fill them far too full. The children will go without their (healthy) pudding purely because he has put too much food out. Today my son went to a party and there was party food at around 4pm, and he still forced him to eat his dinner at 5pm. The poor lad was nearly breath-holding (turning blue and nearly faints) with effort at trying to shovel it down. It’s too much, and it’s abusive. It’s also not evidence based any more as all the studies say that this kind of behaviour leads to children having complicated relationships with food when they are older.

Thanks for judging, though. Maybe I will send my DH round for mealtimes with your own children and you can see how you feel then.

Oh don’t worry, I definitely won’t. I don’t actually want another man anywhere near me. It certainly wouldn’t be an older one if I was to start over.

I’m dreaming of a life of singledom. I just know I’d really love it.