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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

172 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 14/07/2023 16:26

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

OP posts:

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 20:05

Honeychickpea · 15/07/2023 17:50

She can tell him all she wants. However she can't make him do it.

Show quote history

You are right, she can't. He won't anyway but it's hard advising someone who is determined to carry on carrying the load. It seems futile so just thought I'd throw something out there!
Learn to suppress the resentment if you stay so the kids don't see it. At least encourage your children to aim for more from a life partner because what they are learning at the moment is tragic. Yet more children watching mum work her bollocks off while dad does fuck all. We wonder why it never changes.

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:10

"He is very into women"? What an interesting hobby for a father

Jammything8 · 15/07/2023 20:13

Pamspeople · 15/07/2023 17:23

You weren't tricked and you're not trapped! You made choices and they've not worked out like you hoped, happens to lots of us, in all sorts of areas of life. You can make new choices, take control of your life and ownership of your actions. Don't go through life believing that everyone else is in charge, tricking and trapping you.

Quite

Original poster

Mysteriousgirl2 · 15/07/2023 20:39

lilymani · 15/07/2023 20:10

"He is very into women"? What an interesting hobby for a father

Yes he is. He’s one of those men who is always commenting on women’s size/looks/breasts/face on the TV and will always be looking for who is the most attractive looking woman in the room and aiming to talk to her and make her laugh. It’s his modus operandi.

I’ve explained to him that I don’t want our children hearing him doing that sort of thing but it falls on deaf ears.

OP posts:

Suzi89 · 15/07/2023 20:45

PriamFarrl · 14/07/2023 16:39

It’s very telling that the only problem you see is that he will meet someone else and she will be a stepmother to your children.

Not really. My Dad had an extremely toxic girlfriend who absolutely was jealous of his kids and the time he spent with us. All the data shows step parents are bad for children. It’s rare that it’s a good situation for children.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:02

what you're describing is not related to age - it is unhealthy attitude towards food but one that a lot people unfortunately have and something that can be discussed. As it stands, you're not really safeguarding your kids anyway since they clearly are forced to obey his rules

as for judgement - imagine what people will think about your logic of "my children need safeguarding from my sinister husband so I stay with him".

EntreMummy · 15/07/2023 21:04

OP the mealtime abuse you describe is horrendous. I’m guessing that there is other abusive and controlling behaviour shown towards your children than this, and to you.
Please don’t let this man continue to abuse your kids.
it sounds like absolutely the best plan to get rid of him.
you can’t predict the future of your H and having other women come along to be in the lives of your children. That may never happen.
But you can protect them from their father now.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2023 21:19

Have you given any serious thought to people telling you that fear of a new woman being involved with your DC is a foolish reason to stay?

What exactly are you afraid this fictional woman will do? She couldn't be worse than he already is. And she just might be a positive influence on them and an ally for you.

BadNomad · 15/07/2023 21:32

A new woman might even stand up to him and stop him force-feeding your children.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:38

@Mysteriousgirl2 Basically there are two scenarios. One is that you are exaggerating and he is not nearly as a bad as you have described and you are seeking to blame him for your unhappiness

Or, much worse, that he is a genuinely abusive man to you and your children, and you are willingly allowing this to carry on because you're worried he will get with someone else if you split.

Personally I do believe you, I know people like this exist and are awful, but I cannot wrap my head around how can you justify staying with someone who is toxic and abusive by claiming you're safeguarding your kids. Then admitting that this abuse continues to happen and is already affecting your kids outside of home

Get a grip and leave him. You and your kids will be much better off without him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2023 22:11

Why are you letting him abuse your children? It’s either a torrent of drip feed or you’re worrying focussed on the wrong things. I can’t see how given your update that keeping your young children in this horrendous environment is an option.

You’re worrying about who he might end up dating while he’s suffocating children with their dinner? Seriously?

This is presumably new behaviour as you had a baby with him a couple of years ago and you wouldn’t have done that if he was already abusing your older two? Is there something stopping you from stepping in and protecting your kids?

porridgeisbae · 15/07/2023 22:21

I’ve explained to him that I don’t want our children hearing him doing that sort of thing but it falls on deaf ears.

Eww OP. Not only the kids hearing it is not ok, but you having to listen to it.

The more you describe of his behaviour, the worse he sounds.

Stomacharmeleon · 15/07/2023 22:51

@Mysteriousgirl2 life is too short for this shit. You are inflicting him upon your children. My dad was the same around food and all four of us have issues with food in some way.

You need to put this right for all your sakes.

Sceptre86 · 16/07/2023 07:05

Why did you decide to have 3 kids? Presumably you planned some of them and he hasn't gone from doing lots to nothing at all with the kids overnight? I really don't understand making your own life harder? If he wasn't great after one kid why have another? It just doesn't make any kind of sense. Having young kids is tiring and he's a lot older. Why would you both have thought having a baby when he was 50 was a good idea?

My own dh is 8 years older, in general its not an issue but I have noticed he gets tired much more quickly than I do. We definitely factored his age into how many kids we would have because it's sensible to consider.

Take some responsibility for the decisions you have made. If ypu don't love h, fine move on but start getting plans in place to do it. If you have family support that will help but if you want a different life then ypu have to make it happen. There's no need to be a martyr and live an unhappy life. You don't get to dictate what he does after you leave him though.

Sceptre86 · 16/07/2023 07:10

I've just read your drip feed about how he was treating your child at meal times. Get away quickly and start protecting your children. I'd call the police.

Desmond4th · 16/07/2023 07:39

But if she leaves him for being abusive - how can she protect the kids when they're with him? That's not enough grounds (and not enough evidence) to prevent him from gaining shared custody. I don't understand why people always say to split to protect/save the kids - it makes them much more vulnerable to abuse, not safer. We sadly don't have the ability to keep dangerous fathers away from their children, unless it's already extremely serious.

OP, I'm so sorry, I sympathise as I am in a broadly similar position and it's awful. Stay, and make the best of your life as you can because it's the only way to keep the kids safe from him. At least that way, you're around to protect them, not leaving him to do whatever he wants to them.

babbscrabbs · 16/07/2023 07:47

EntreMummy · 15/07/2023 21:04

Start recording the abuse, if you can't stop it. That's horrendous about mealtimes. I can see why you're worried about him having 50:50

PaintedEgg · 16/07/2023 08:14

@Desmond4th she's not protecting her his while with him, if they split kids would probably spend most time with her (if he is so uninvolved what are the odds of him wanting 50/50 custody?) and kids would have at least one stable home

as it stands kids have toxic and abusive home

CBAanymoreTBH · 16/07/2023 12:07

Try not to project too much into the future regarding another woman. You d said he's hands off with kids. Chances are he'd be an every other weekend kind of dad. You can't factor in every unknown. Just take a deep breath and concentrate on what's right for you in the short term.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 12:25

OP, the mealtimes need to stop. Why do you allow this to continue? Your children are going to grow up with severe issues around food and do you think they will just blame him? I don't just blame my father for how I was raised. I blame my mother for just passively going along with whatever he said. She was my mum. She should have stuck up for me. Fair? Probably not but tbh I don't care. If I knew the reason my mum stayed was due to fear of him getting with someone else then tbh, I would think she was pathetic.
If you won't leave then at the very least put a stop to the abuse around mealtimes. It will do untold damage if not.

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 12:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2023 22:11

You’re worrying about who he might end up dating while he’s suffocating children with their dinner? Seriously?

This.

Your poor abused children.

I would be recording him at meal times.

How can you tolerate this?

IndiganDop · 16/07/2023 12:39

Updating - forcing children to eat is emphatically not a function of being 52. Like I said, my dh and I are 52 and we would never do this. We did have rules like, eat your meal before your pudding and things like, before you can reject a new food outright you have to give it a little taste. But not what you describe.

In my childhood, back in the 70s, there was the tail end of a bit of a post war culture of "eat up" and sitting up until the meal is finished, not wasting good food etc so it's possible that this comes from HIS parents. Ask him. That does NOT make it ok, btw. What possible value is there in forcing children to overeat. It's cruel and I would report him to safeguarding team at your kids' school if I knew about this happening.

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