I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

[Mysteriousgirl2]

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

My DD is 26, and let me tell you, it would be a brave man who tried to "trick her" into marriage!!!

Thank you @Sunsetandsunrise for saying something that I felt I couldn’t.

It’s probably the reason that I will stay with him. I can’t bear anything to happen to my children and he doesn’t see dangers like I do.

I’m just going to have to seek happiness elsewhere in life (and I don’t mean an affair) I just mean trying to make my like as fulfilling and happy as I can. I made a bad choice and I’ve got to live with it. As manny posters are saying, it’s my fault and I knew what I was getting in to.

“Also, he used to look and behave a lot younger than his actual age. When we were dating I thought he was 4-5 years older than me. I feel I’m tricked because I’m stuck with the best years of my life with an older man who I don’t want to spend time with.”

OP did he lie about his age when you were dating? If so when did he disclose his age? Or was it just a case of you assumed he was younger? I’ve never dated someone without asking their age by the second time we meet!

My exdh was absolutely shit with the kids and never did anything with them, when we split they dc had to fit in with what he wanted, his idea of a day out was to take them to the tattoo place to watch him have a new tattoo. Honestly I was pleased when he got a gf who at least seemed to care about the dc and do things with them that 'they' wanted to do. She's a far better role model to them than their dad is.

@Canthave2manycats thats great that you feel that way. Everyone is different though and has had a different life journey up to the age of 26. It’s probably best not to assume we’re all the same.

I understand that feeling. My DD2's bff has a horrible SM. It's practically a Cinderella story.

However, the likelihood of the average SMs being truly awful are low, it's more likely she'll be simply "meh."

Could you wait until your youngest is old enough to speak with you clearly about situations? Like age 8 or 9?

so its his fault you decided to marry young instead of waiting until your late 30s so you could sleep around more?

I mean he might be a dick, but seems unfair to blame him because you chose to marry an older man and he got to be young, free and single at the respective age.

Leave now. Most women arent abusive. Try and have a good relationship with them so they will feel more able to talk to you if the step mom is abusive to them. realistically if he's disinterested now, he won't want them that much anyway.

your kids are more at risk statistically from your next relationship than his. staying in an unhappy marriage, denying both of you a loving relationship and raising kids in an unhappy home doesn't seem a reasonable response to the possibility he'll settle down with an abuser.

@cruisingabout he was 43 and she was 26 when they married. one had a lot of life experience, one just finished uni a few years ago. I can think of many ways that he could have tricked this young girl into marrying him.

In what universe is a 26 year old woman a 'young girl'? 🙄

26 is not a young girl for goodness sake.

perhaps the answer is to move the legal age of marriage to 30, so all these little girls can't get married before they're old enough eh?

Thinking about the children, I would probably worry a bit more about men I’d probably meet than the women he would.

No problem, I have a lot of personal
and professional experience of this and of course It’s not all bad and some stepparents are great but I think some people are ignorant of the fact (or deliberately ignore the fact) that often even if no outright abuse occurs the child is adversely affected by uninterested/lukewarm stepparents .

I wish more people would be as cautious as you actually, I’ve seen it go wrong so many times. My friend sent her child to visit her dad overnight that she rarely sees who has a new fiancé they didn’t even know the surname of or anything about her. Thankfully in this case nothing happened to her but I was gobsmacked how casual my friend was about it given the father of her child isn’t known for good judgment.

Could you stop being so mean. 26 is relatively young - you grow up a lot in your 20s. The gap between 35 and 52 is still big.

Gross age gap.

My Dh is five years older than me (45 and nrly 50) and he works hard, he does his fair share of chores and is fully invested in our DC's life progress. Yes he gets tired but don't we all when we're trying to keep on top of things?

OP's husband is a lazy bastard and needs to get in the bin. Time to move on, OP!

Of course it's young!

@Mysteriousgirl2 the benefit of hindsight is that it’s 20/20 as the saying goes. I’m assuming there was no one in your life who tried to highlight the common problems with age gap. I know many 26 year olds who may have made the same decision but they had older siblings and parents and close friends who were able to help them rethink things.

FWIW at age 25 I found myself getting manipulated by a man in his 30s. Sure, I didn’t marry him but I may well have if he’d asked. So my point is yes I think it’s possible for a woman in her mid 20s to be hoodwinked by a man in his 40s.

I can see your dilemma and it’s not easy. Whatever you decide I hope you find the love, purpose and fulfilment you need.

There is a very big age gap. How can you say you were tricked into marriage. Please explain. What do you mean by earns hardly anything. And why have 3 children if things are far from ideal. But it does sound like the end of the line for your marriage.

If you don't want to leave him, can you claim some independence and do things for yourself without him - meet up with friends? Evening class? New hobby? You can leave him home to look after the kids.

Can you move into another bedroom - even if sharing with your youngest kid(s).

It's not the best way to live your life, but keeps the kids with you full time.

sounds like you are his 'nurse with a purse' aka insurance policy for his old age, just get rid

It sounds like you are not prepared to leave at this point. And I completely understand why. Since that is the situation, my best advice is to stop putting up with his bullshit.
You are earning the money, you are taking care of the kids, you are pulling your weight and his weight.
I am not saying to start controlling him, but to stop letting him control you. he tells you where to shop, ignore him. He pushes it, tell him to go out and earn the money and shop there himself.
If you haven't already, start a savings account. If you have a joint account, make sure it only has the money you can afford to spend each month and don't allow overcharges. So, if there is not money in the account for something, then it won't go through. Then open a new account for all the bills and put in the money you need for that plus other budgeted items. You will have to make a budget if you don't already have one. Look up how to make a realistic budget that includes once in a while items, monthly, bimonthly, quarterly, once or twice a year, etc. .
Sometimes, when partners figure out that they can no longer control you and they are also too lazy to earn their own money or don't want to deal with taking care of bills even if they earn money; they will start to spend and spend. This leaves you with no money to pay bills, which leads to you borrowing money or going without basic things to cover his selfishness.
He may also cheat. In fact, he probably will. They often do when their pretty young thing finally grows up and notices how much a loser they(him) actually are.
don't do his laundry, don't cook him food, don't pick up after him unless you actually cannot stand it. And if you do pick up after him, get a bin with a lid and put everything you pick up in it and put it right where he likes to sit or sleep. Limit it to once or twice a day, you don't want your life to be about trying to make him see his own mess.
Tell him up front that since he wants to act like a roommate, that is how you will now be treating him.

Just bear in mind if you stay with him long term you could end up being his carer in the future.
Start thinking about yourself and your dc. Yes he will meet someone else but that's not a good reason to stay with him. He could easily have an affair whilst you're married if he felt inclined, especially if you are not sleeping together.
This marriage is dead which ever way you look at it.

Op, did you have a horrible step parent?
I’m just wondering if your experiences are making you more worried about that aspect than one normally would be.

I met a handsome and very charismatic man of 37 at work when I was 26. He was cool, funny and everyone at work liked him. On his 40th I baked a cake and took it to his flat and made a birthday meal. As I carried the cake into the room he was asleep and I thought “shit, it must be awful being 40 you get so tired!’
Fast forward and I’m 40 and we have three kids and he’s a hopeless Dad, a manic depressive who just couldn’t cope with family life, which I hadn’t realised previously and we split up when he went berserk one night resulting in a police call.
I split with him immediately. He didn't have another relationship that I know of (because he wasn’t into permanent relationships) and I brought the children up alone and it was much easier. I didn't fall asleep on my 40th, I’m now 65 and didn’t fall asleep then. Be confident that your children will recognise good parenting. Mine did. I wasn’t sure whether to write this but felt it worth a shot. Good luck.

You weren't 'tricked' naive maybe but there was no trickery involved. People change as they age. That's not deceit, it's biology.

If you don't want to stay married to him you don't have to. Decide what you want and then take steps to make it happen.

Remember that the only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 9 years is being in a bad marriage for 9 years and 1 day.

In the MN universe. He might be a dick, OP. But you made choices, to marry him and to have another kid 2 years ago when you must have known what he was like.

Just leave him if that's what you want. But you weren't trapped.