I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

[Mysteriousgirl2]

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

Huge age gap and you were clearly very young.

Stop worrying about some unknown woman and focus on your future.

He's old and just getting older.

Lazy and useless? Will only get worse.

Get out while you can.

17 years is a huge gap.

I am very suspicious of men who go after women in their 20's.🤢.

Lots will defend it on MN, but I have never seen it work in real life.

Get out asap.

@Mysteriousgirl2 Eating main course before dinner isn't old fashioned, just sensible. As for talking at mealtimes, it depends whether you mean he demands silence, which does seem unreasonable, or just reasonably calm behaviour while eating, which is just good behaviour. Also, if he's an old dad at school gates, he must be collecting or taking them to school, so he's more involved than you say. Have you checked the legal situation? It may be that all he'll be entitled to is access visits. You may have some control over where he sees them and who else sees them. I know many separated couples shuttle children back and forth but I don't know if it's a right. It seems to me much better for them to have just one home. That used to be the mother unless proven unfit. I don't know if that's still the case. You'll surely be within your rights to meet any woman and vet her before you agree to her spending time with them. Provided no alarm bells sound, ease off. They have to go out into the world when older anyway, and life is about meeting new people and having them in your life. In any case she may not be interested in them. A woman in late 40s or early 50s won't want to be landed with someone else's children.

He used to be kind, generous and a decent man.

Now, he tells me where to shop (even though I’m always paying) and will not get involved with the children.

Also, he used to look and behave a lot younger than his actual age. When we were dating I thought he was 4-5 years older than me. I feel I’m tricked because I’m stuck with the best years of my life with an older man who I don’t want to spend time with.

Whereas he slept around a lot in his thirties and met me around the age I am now. He’s kind of had the best of both worlds and is now married to a woman a lot younger.

OP you are over thinking and imagining something which might not happen. I doubt that if you split up he will want to have the children 50/50, and realistically you don't know how long it will take him to find a new partner. With the big age gap you are now noticeably at different life stages, plus it sounds like you have checked out. Unfortunately things aren't likely to improve although couples counselling might help if you want to try to salvage the relationship.

I married a man 15 years older... He aged very quickly.. Did nowt for the dc unless someone was visiting and he would present the clean and fed (by me) dc as a status of his efforts. ... When I reality he was a lazy twat.
I had an affair. Fessed up. Ended it with both on the same day I left..
Married a man a lot younger...

I know you mean well. But a lot of what you say is very old in terms of splitting.

Its hugely unlikely, that he would only get access visits. Unless that all he will do.

Op will have no control over where he sees them, who they meet when he is with them.

What do you mean by shuttle back and forth? Do you mean some nights with one sorbet and some with the other? Yes, that’s right. It’s not good for kids to have a distant relationship with one partner just because the sorbets are no longer romantically involved.

Women mainly get primary care because they are usually the primary carers. In situations where they aren’t, it’s not that simply. The kids still have a right to a good and full relationship with their father.

Op has no rights to meet someone before they meet their kids. He may agree to that, but there’s no right. And unless there’s an actual damage to the kids, she doesn’t get to vet them.

Since this man is with a woman in her 30s, I very much doubt he will be dating someone the same age as himself.

The Op should leave. However, there’s no point her not having a realistic view of what may happen.

If he hardly earns anything and is lazy, why do you think he's going to be a great catch for other women?

And if he hardly earns anything why are you tolerating him telling you where to shop?

Honestly, OP, things will only get worse. Just don't let him say he wants 50:50 - no way. That's only for committed parents.

Have you been with him since you were 18? And him 35?

Ridiculous ageism on this thread when the reality is you married a dud. He’s a dick. It’s not his age. There isn’t an age people reach where they suddenly become useless pricks fgs. This is insane.

I have a large age gap and he’s amazing, vibrant, excellent with our child and certainly doesn’t have ED... 🙄also it Definitely doesn’t show at the school gates. Many of the dads are late forties early fifties at least. Anyway, you say yourself your husband is good looking and would have no problem getting another woman.

jesus, you’d think from reading these types of threads that there are just hoards of zombi- like over 50s roaming the streets of Britain. Hunting for reclining armchairs and slippers.

people over fifty are (SHOCK HORROR) brain surgeons, mechanics, carpenters, actors, teachers, pilots, parents, shop keepers. People who are living lives. Proactive, contributing, exciting, full of achievement and hewrtbreak and all that jazz. Some of them even…have social lives and do exercise!!!

By attributing his behaviour to age, all you’re doing is giving this man an excuse - he’s not lazy and useless because of his “super-duper massively advanced age” (he’s 52 ffs not 92 btw?!)…..he’s a dick because he’s a dick. He was probably a dick when you met him. A dick when he was 22, 32, and 42. And he’ll likely be a dick at 62!

you’re looking for reasons to delay leaving him because you’re catastrophising about a new woman raising your kids. Re-frame it. Maybe he’ll meet a lovely woman who cares for your kids and helps you out…seeing as he doesn’t seem to! And YOU won’t have to be with him. Win win. And maybe you’ll also meet a nice man who helps out. Then your kids will have three people who make an effort and their lazy ass dad.

You literally have said you don’t want to be with him. Just break up with him. Trust me, when your kid goes to school they’ll suddenly have a whole bunch of people contributing to shaping them and you’ll have no control over who or what or how. You’ll pick the kid up from school and you’ll say “how was your day?!” And the answer will be “yeah good”. They won’t even tell you what they had for lunch…they’ll say “I can’t remember”. They’re independent from you far earlier than you think. So really, one more person being part of their life isn’t going to matter (as long as they’re not evil which they’re unlikely to be!). And you’ll actually be happy!

@PowerBMI I was 25.

Very well said 👏👏 from a vibrant professional in their 50's

@Devonshiregal I’ve got 2 school aged kids so I know all of this and it’s not a problem.

But if he is 52 (17 years older) and he was around 35 when you met. You must have been 18.

or am I being really thick?

He’s attractive. He has a twin who also is quite magnetic around women. His twin met someone, moved in with a year and they were expecting a baby within 18 months (it didn’t work out sadly and she left now)

Genuine question:

Just don't let him say he wants 50:50 - no way.

Surely this isn’t for me to decide? Won’t a judge simply award 50:50 if that is what he wants? It will be what he wants anyway as he’ll quickly work out that he won’t have to pay any maintenance if he does that.

If your earning power is more, he might get a bigger bit of the house when you separate, as I assume you have a bigger pension too.

Judges look at what's best for the kids - 50/50 is the starting point

If he has very little to do with the children, why do you think he will want to see much of them if you split up?

He may only see them once a week so you wouldn't exactly have to worry about them being brought up by another woman. Can you see him going for 50/50 out of spite?

@finewelshcheese I think he would go for 50:50 out of spite and to avoid paying maintenance.

If he's not a hands on dad I expect he will tire of that very quickly.

You're assuming he will be part of children's lives, I highly doubt he will.

He isn't wanting to do anything with them now that's with your help so I hold no faith in a man like this to do it alone.

Leave him sounds utterly miserable, he wants a slave not a wife.

Don't you worry your younger man will feel about you what you felt about your older ex one day?

I have. My parents had an 18 year age gap, and a very happy marriage. My dad was always very fit and active and didn't seem his age.

@Mysteriousgirl2 I'm actually feeling a little sorry for your DH... though to be fair he does sound like a pain in the arse in many ways. Does he know how much you despise him now? Could he be depressed?

I'm older than him and certainly would never make a child eat their meal before dessert. He's 52, not Methusaleh!

Would you consider relationship counselling - or would he go with that? Mind you I think you've checked out already.

OP, ditch the lazy fucker!
It will be hard being a single parent--all finances, decisions, child illnesses, school holidays etc will most likely be dealt with by you completely. I can't see this man going for 50% parenting, but even if he does, he is their other parent.

My advice is don't waste the rest of your youth on this man and leave while the children are young (it's easier for them to establish new norms of mum and dad not living together and they less likely to remember any distress than, say, if they are teens.)

How long has this change been afoot? Because your youngest is only two.