I feel like I was tricked into marriage and now I’m trapped.

[Mysteriousgirl2]

DH and I have been married 9 years and have 3DC.

When we met, he was funny, caring and energetic. Now, years down the line, he doesn’t pull his weight with the children and earns hardly anything. Everything falls to me and I can’t help feeling that I would be better off alone.

He’s 52 and our youngest is 2. He is a lot older than most of the parents at the school gates and it shows. I’m 35 and so most of my friends who are married are with someone the same age who shares same interests.

I don’t want sex with him at all and we don’t go out for dates. Whenever I raise any issues in our relationship he always says it’s just down to us having three small children (it might be part of the truth, I don’t know)

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them. He is very into women and I know will find someone quickly. He’s also very attractive.

I think my ideal situation would be to have a trial separation but I don’t know how that would work. I long for my own space, my own kitchen and my own house. I don’t want him to be a part of my future sadly.

My husband and I are both 52
He is not "very old fashioned" ffs
We grew up in the 80s and 90s, not the 1950s.
He has always done his share of the housework. Our generation had men in makeup who were nevertheless happy being nen. Our generation split bills 50:50 on night out, split housework 50:50 when we first got together. We women were "ladettes" and didn't dress up to go out much.

When we all had kids, 20- 10 or so years ago, our men wanted to help out with kids and saw it as their responsibility. In our friendship group I know one guy who "didn't do nappies" and the other men thought he was a twat. Many of them went 4 days a week when their kids were very small, and the kids had a "daddy day" each week.

To be fair, I wouldn't want 3 small kids now, and nor would he. But to hide behind the idea that he is a chauvinistic product of a byegone era is balls. We were the most equal generation in my opinion, before selfies and Instagram came in and the "gender expression" pressure on males and females became far more extreme and, for women in particular, so horribly linked with porn culture.

Also, he used to look and behave a lot younger than his actual age. When we were dating I thought he was 4-5 years older than me. I feel I’m tricked because I’m stuck with the best years of my life with an older man who I don’t want to spend time with.

Whereas he slept around a lot in his thirties and met me around the age I am now. He’s kind of had the best of both worlds and is now married to a woman a lot younger.

None of this jeans you were tricked. It was all out in the open. If you didn't realise the potential for problems in the future, that's on you

If you split, he'll probably try for 50:50 and move in a housekeeper/nanny/shag-partner in asap. She'll either get upduffed in no time or she'll not hang around.

It's still not enough reason to stay with a controlling man who doesn't pull his weight and that you no longer even like.

So you don’t want him and don’t want anyone else to have him? So will stay with him to prevent him finding someone else? Right

@IndiganDop has written exactly what I was thinking, it’s not his age that’s the issue, it’s him.

What were you expecting when you married someone 17 years older than you? Of course he was going to “get old” whilst you were still young.
He didn’t trick you. He slept around and had fun, then settled down when older. You knew that. You could have done that if you wanted but you chose to pick him. You only had a kid 2 years ago, and now you don’t want to touch him and think he tricked you? No. You made your choices.

You’re allowed to change your mind though. You can leave him. You’ll have to share the kids and just accept that you’ll need to coparent and he can bring in any woman he wants. But you can leave.

@Mysteriousgirl2

However, I feel trapped because if we split, I’m utterly terrified of another woman coming along and raising our children when it’s his turn to have them.

You are a nice woman, yes? And he 'landed' you so he's capable of attracting nice women and seeing one when he does. So chances are IF he were to marry/cohabit again she'd probably be a nice woman, too, wouldn't she?

So what exactly is your 'fear'? That your children may 'value' another female in their lives or actually come to care for her? Because that is jealousy, plain and simple.

And this woman, should she come to exist, wouldn't be 'raising' your children. You and your exH would be. She may be 'doing' for them, but that is not raising them.

You can stay where you are and be miserable because of some hypothetical woman who may or may not come on the scene or you can split and be happy, and if this hypothetical woman comes along you can be happy that your children have one more person in their lives who cares about their well being.

@PowerBMI I did point out in my post that the law would probably have changed, and that I knew many children with two homes. Yet it's not always the case, and it might work out better for the OP than she fears. Also, it's highly unlikely that a man of his age, clearly old at heart, would attract another young woman. Carrie Johnson and the OP are the exceptions rather than the rule. He was clearly of a more vibrant state of mind when the OP married him. I don't think she need worry too much. I find your reassurance that you know I' mean well' unnecessary and patronising.

You got with someone in their 40s when you were in your early 20s, not sure what you envisioned would happen here? Of course you'll be at completely different life stages due to the age difference, i mean what happens when he reaches retirement age and you have 17 more years to work? By 50 most people are waving kids off to uni and getting their life back, not chasing toddlers. Sounds like you've made your mind up anyway if you don't want him to be a part of your future. Leave now and find someone your own age, I'm sure you'll be much happier.

Reads to me as though you want to be young and single again, perhaps someone has been flattering you .. and somehow it’s your husband’s fault? Tricked into marriage? You could have left long ago.

JUST LEAVE HIM

Ffs you're just giving excuse after excuse as ro why you shouldn't leave home because he may do this or may do that.

Tell him you want out and start the process. Cross the 50:50 Bridge when it comes. For starters just focus on splitting and keeping the kids happy.

Longer you pussy foot around being undecided about something you said yourself is dead in the water, the longer it'll take for kids to adjust.

Thousands of us on here have done it.

@Idontpostmuch but you shouldn’t post advice around stuff you know nothing about. Pretty much everything you said was incorrect legally. So it’s not helpful for someone making a life decision. I thought @PowerBMI was actually pretty nice to you off the back of your post.

@PowerBMI do you like sorbet by any chance?!

Do you think marriage counselling is worth a try OP? It’s so easy to get complacent and start taking each other for granted. If you don’t think it’s salvageable then just accept it probably will be 50-50 residency and he’ll meet someone else, it’s not the end of the world. Do everything in the best interest of your children and try to be as civil and diplomatic as possible.

You could stay with him only for him to have an affair and that might lead to step siblings. There can be a lot of what ifs.

Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

It’s unfortunate you found it patronising. But that’s on you. I didn’t intend it to be so. If you read that it into, there’s nothing much I can do. I, genuinely, assumed you were trying to be kind to the Op.

Because I can’t think of another, sensible, reason you would post such bad advice to someone trying to make a huge decision. If you know it is out of date, why post it at all?

and your assumption that he won’t meet another younger woman isn’t based in any fact at all. Lots of women in their 30s date men that are older. So what’s the point pretending it probably won’t happen. If he doesn’t like dating women his own age, he will eventually find a younger woman who will.

He may find his vibrancy when he needs to to attract another women. Happens all the time to both men and woman after divorce.

@Windercar That was precisely why I asked the OP if she had checked out the legal position. I did not try to give legal advice. In any case, nobody would make major decisions based on something said by a load of strangers on an internet forum. On Mumsnet you get every opinion and its opposite. They can't all be right or wrong, but the snotty responses to posters opinions are tiresome.

I don't think its the age gap at all... people with no age gap suffer the same too.

Not helping around the house is not age related, his wage is not age related.

Also he is right that with 3 small children its next to impossible to get out for dates and your sex life dwindles... we have the same (3 kids, no time to ourselves, limited sex life) and I'm your age and my DH only 3 years older.

To be honest at my kids school hes hardly like to stand out as that much older... theres a few young mams in their 20s but the majority (in both of my DS classes) where older parents. Mams who are 45+ and dads a bit older are really not that unusual at the Reception class entrance. I feel the odd one out in my mid 30s.

i am confused by the sorbet question. I feel like it’s a secret code.

I do like it in general. But now and confused yet intrigued 😂😂

I would start making a careful, strategic & comprehensive plan to leave him
you dont have to get it all accomplished immediately, take your time and make sure that you work everything to your advantage
obviously dont let him know, otherwise he'll start working against you (not that he's ever worked with you on anything by the sounds of things!)

he was 43 and she was 26 when they married. one had a lot of life experience, one just finished uni a few years ago. I can think of many ways that he could have tricked this young girl into marrying him.

@PowerBMI re-read your post!

that concern is understandable actually . Maybe those commenting aren’t aware of the phenomenon called the Cinderella effect which basically is about the fact that step children are disproportionately abused.

so you were about 26 and you married a 42 year old man? I feel it’s a shame more people aren’t aware of the additional problems age gaps can bring. It’s very normalised for women in their 20s to date men nearly old enough to be their Dads.

Eeee - you've married and had children with a man much older than you. And now he's showing his age.

This is it basically!

@Idontpostmuch don't post things you have no idea about - your understanding of the law and custody arrangements is so far from the reality, it is unfair to OP