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Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:28

And with your daughter, she is likely panicking and trying to justify the situation as much as she can. Because she’s a clever girl, she knows this is wrong but her first instinct is she does not want things to change. But, give it a few years and she might ask why the hell did you put up with this, mum.. I never will.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:31

Op I know it's easy to comment when it's not you but...

It sounds like your relationship is unequal and, to some extent, abusive.

He's controlling.

Then there's this behaviour on holiday. Even if it's truly isolated, and even if nothing more happened between them; it was still crossing lots of lines. You were sick, so was your dd and he basically just partied on and struck up a totally inappropriate involvement with a other woman.

You have to wonder how genuine his tears and his part in the counselling have been ....since he's now portrayed the whole thing as comical and minor (presumably since the thought he's safe for a while now).

His overall character and behaviour does not sound considerate or respectful.

I'd see a good family law solicitor and get potential divorce advice, I'd see what you can get benefits etc wise. I'd look into returning to work.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:34

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:31

Op I know it's easy to comment when it's not you but...

It sounds like your relationship is unequal and, to some extent, abusive.

He's controlling.

Then there's this behaviour on holiday. Even if it's truly isolated, and even if nothing more happened between them; it was still crossing lots of lines. You were sick, so was your dd and he basically just partied on and struck up a totally inappropriate involvement with a other woman.

You have to wonder how genuine his tears and his part in the counselling have been ....since he's now portrayed the whole thing as comical and minor (presumably since the thought he's safe for a while now).

His overall character and behaviour does not sound considerate or respectful.

I'd see a good family law solicitor and get potential divorce advice, I'd see what you can get benefits etc wise. I'd look into returning to work.

I wanted to think it was genuine, it seemed to be, but yes, now i feel like he thinks he's on safe ground again so can crack on as normal.

It's very had to be objective from the inside which is why i posted. I need to gain perspective and it's helping - though obviously not helping me feel any better...

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:36

It's very had to be objective from the inside

Definitely .. he's also had lighting the fuck out of you.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:36

*gas!

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:38

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:28

And with your daughter, she is likely panicking and trying to justify the situation as much as she can. Because she’s a clever girl, she knows this is wrong but her first instinct is she does not want things to change. But, give it a few years and she might ask why the hell did you put up with this, mum.. I never will.

She would be horrified. She's such a sweet soul. Both my kids have very kind hearts. They are both neurodiverse ( which i'm thinking maybe i am too) and very empathetic. We all tend to see the best in people and try to 'help.' The therapist noticed i have problems prioritising myself/my needs or asking for anything - something i need to work on for sure.

OP posts:
hopsalong · 14/07/2023 22:38

'His reaction would be completely unimaginable and quite rightly so. He gets funny when I’m out without him. Have said to him that at no point in our relationship has someone thought they were able to kiss me on my lips or hold my hand.'

This sticks out to me. The most jealous, wildly jealous, men (all men) that I know are also the ones who have been married multiple times and had lots of affairs. I think it's a case of imagining / fearing that everyone else in the world will act as badly as they do themselves if given half a chance.

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:39

If you told him tomorrow, calm and serious, that this is the hill you might actually die on, because you don’t feel safe anymore. The trust is gone. What do you think he would say?

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:56

hopsalong · 14/07/2023 22:38

'His reaction would be completely unimaginable and quite rightly so. He gets funny when I’m out without him. Have said to him that at no point in our relationship has someone thought they were able to kiss me on my lips or hold my hand.'

This sticks out to me. The most jealous, wildly jealous, men (all men) that I know are also the ones who have been married multiple times and had lots of affairs. I think it's a case of imagining / fearing that everyone else in the world will act as badly as they do themselves if given half a chance.

He isn't wildly jealous, i can just feel he's a bit off but would never say anything directly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:58

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:39

If you told him tomorrow, calm and serious, that this is the hill you might actually die on, because you don’t feel safe anymore. The trust is gone. What do you think he would say?

He would probably be all rational and sympathetic - say how he understood, that he's sorry that he's caused me to feel unsafe etc etc. I wouldn't expect any great show of emotion. He would say he respects my decision...

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:13

It's so pathetic he was clearly chasing a bit of attention and flattery. Like a spotty teenager might. Aside from the obvious pain you're in I would find it such unattractive and loserish behaviour. How could you respect him after he's done this. And now feeling so sorry for himself boo hoo.

Absolutely unimpressed with OW too. Who would do that with someone's husband. ( I know the husband is the main wrong doer)

Are you still on holiday? I'd be very tempted to get very very dressed up and go off for a couple of cocktails by yourself at another hotel closeby or a bar in town. Even if you just sit there on mums net he deserves to worry, while he stays in the room with the kids.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:18

Not being willing to show you his phone now is a big red flag. If it was truly a one off and there was nothing to see he'd be dying for the chance to prove that he's a normal faithful man.

After an indiscretion like this the onus isn't on you to trust him, that trust is gone, it's on him to prove he's trustworthy

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:18

hopsalong · 14/07/2023 22:38

'His reaction would be completely unimaginable and quite rightly so. He gets funny when I’m out without him. Have said to him that at no point in our relationship has someone thought they were able to kiss me on my lips or hold my hand.'

This sticks out to me. The most jealous, wildly jealous, men (all men) that I know are also the ones who have been married multiple times and had lots of affairs. I think it's a case of imagining / fearing that everyone else in the world will act as badly as they do themselves if given half a chance.

Agree.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 23:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:13

It's so pathetic he was clearly chasing a bit of attention and flattery. Like a spotty teenager might. Aside from the obvious pain you're in I would find it such unattractive and loserish behaviour. How could you respect him after he's done this. And now feeling so sorry for himself boo hoo.

Absolutely unimpressed with OW too. Who would do that with someone's husband. ( I know the husband is the main wrong doer)

Are you still on holiday? I'd be very tempted to get very very dressed up and go off for a couple of cocktails by yourself at another hotel closeby or a bar in town. Even if you just sit there on mums net he deserves to worry, while he stays in the room with the kids.

Am home now, this was a couple of weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 23:20

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 23:18

Not being willing to show you his phone now is a big red flag. If it was truly a one off and there was nothing to see he'd be dying for the chance to prove that he's a normal faithful man.

After an indiscretion like this the onus isn't on you to trust him, that trust is gone, it's on him to prove he's trustworthy

I agree. He did show me his messages but when i wanted to have a look elsewhere that's where he said no. I'm hoping it was just some porn or something like that.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 14/07/2023 23:23

And why wouldn't he show you porn?

He needs to be totally transparent.

He's going to do it again unless he is completely honest.

Been there. It's formula. They minimise. Deflect. Blame you. Blah blah. So boring. Goes on and on. Same result. Scumbag does it again. Gets bolder and bolder too because you're allowing it to happen.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 23:29

BlastedPimples · 14/07/2023 23:23

And why wouldn't he show you porn?

He needs to be totally transparent.

He's going to do it again unless he is completely honest.

Been there. It's formula. They minimise. Deflect. Blame you. Blah blah. So boring. Goes on and on. Same result. Scumbag does it again. Gets bolder and bolder too because you're allowing it to happen.

Because i've said in the past that i didn't like it. Which isn't strictly true, i'm just wary of coming across things that are not ok. I would struggle to get things out of my head if i came across anything nasty. I asked him outright if it was porn, he said no, that it was just an invasion of privacy. This is bullshit i know, there's something i wouldn't be happy about but i don't think it was/is an affair or cheating. Or maybe i'm just being stupid and too trusting - it's hard to tell tbh.

OP posts:
Lemonfoxtrot · 14/07/2023 23:36

FartSock5000 · 14/07/2023 11:07

@Bobbylives do you really want to give another 20 years to a man who thinks it is perfectly okay for him to kiss another woman and hold hands with her but you absolutely cannot do that with another man?

You can't trust him. You know that. Why would you waste more years with a cheat and he IS a cheat because a married man who "pecks" another woman's lips is kissing and that IS cheating.

Chances are this wasn't a one time deal. He is clearly comfortable enough to be inappropriately intimate with another woman and to me, that means he's had practice.

I think he is a liar who has sporadically shagged around for years, even decades on you but this is the first time he got sloppy and you've caught him out.

I agree with this. He is a fast worker, which suggests he’s well practiced at this.

as pps have said, that level of casual intimacy suggests they’ve already shagged.

i was on a group holiday where a married bloke was blatantly chasing after a single woman on the trip ( who was not encouraging it). Couldn’t believe he was so open about it. Everyone pretended not to notice. But the poor single woman had to tell him to fuck off

zerocapacity · 14/07/2023 23:37

Marriage would be over for me

zerocapacity · 14/07/2023 23:41

Holding hands with another women on holiday bizarre.
How disrespectful and hurtful to you.
You will never trust him again.
If you stay you will be thinking about this a few years down the line.

EKGEMS · 14/07/2023 23:47

This is insane! I'd go nuclear-hubby would literally fuck around and find out! I've been married 30 years and I'd end it in a heartbeat if this happened to me

StellaJohanna · 14/07/2023 23:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

In Britain we say ARSEHOLE not "asshole".

Fraaahnces · 15/07/2023 01:01

As far as I am concerned, he has no RIGHT to expect privacy when you have seen his behaviour with your own eyes. He is obviously hiding something or it wouldn’t be an issue. I would demand that the phone be unlocked and take it into another room. I’d check WhatsApp and all the other ways of messaging, ie Instagram, messenger, etc

Newestname002 · 15/07/2023 02:19

@Bobbylives

We jointly own 2 business so he’d have to buy me out I guess or pay me a salary ongoing.

I think for your own peace of mind it would be really useful for you to talk to a solicitor about what your position would be if, at some stage, you decide you no longer want to be in this marriage.

This would be for your own information, not discussed with your husband at this stage - just getting your ducks in a row.

Do some research into your family financials, eg: home/property/business value, cash in the bank/investments, profits made by the businesses you co-own, pensions (yours as well as his - I trust you do have your own pension?) to get the legal viewpoint on what your future might look like if you decided the marriage was no longer making you happy and you wanted to leave.

Even though you decided to do nothing at this time you would, at least, know you how you could manage financially. Personally I would not like to be paid a salary from the business co-owned by my ex-husband - maybe that's something you could discuss.

Wishing you strength for whatever steps you decide to take next. 🌹

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