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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 21:19

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:06

We flew back and I had to remain as calm as I could as we obviously had both children with us.

It sounds ott but I actually consider a form of abuse of both you and your kids; that he put you all in that situation and that you were forced to keep quiet and pretend everything was ok about it for your kids sakes.

There have been many rows, tears from both sides and counselling

Yet he thinks (recently?) that he can joke about it in an eye rolling way?

Clearly all the rows and counselling have had a big impact re. his remorse, tact etc.

I agree tbh and my dd has commented that I’m too hard on dh, that I need to be kinder etc etc and I really want to tell her what a arsehole he’s been but of course I don’t…she sticks up for him because he works hard. He went to the Grand Prix at the weekend, the first I knew that he’d bought tickets was the week before. He’d bought 4, him and our ds and the other 2 he gave to his sister and her husband. No thought as to whether me or dd wanted to go. I’d booked us tickets for another event which he knew about. We went the Friday but the tickets went unused for sat and Sunday as he was at the Grand Prix. I had a massive go at him for the fact that I didn’t even know he’d booked tickets - a year ago! Like how does he not even think to tell me.

There more I think and talk about it the more disrespectful I see he is. He makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable, overly emotional, that he can never do anything right etc etc

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:22

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 21:19

I agree tbh and my dd has commented that I’m too hard on dh, that I need to be kinder etc etc and I really want to tell her what a arsehole he’s been but of course I don’t…she sticks up for him because he works hard. He went to the Grand Prix at the weekend, the first I knew that he’d bought tickets was the week before. He’d bought 4, him and our ds and the other 2 he gave to his sister and her husband. No thought as to whether me or dd wanted to go. I’d booked us tickets for another event which he knew about. We went the Friday but the tickets went unused for sat and Sunday as he was at the Grand Prix. I had a massive go at him for the fact that I didn’t even know he’d booked tickets - a year ago! Like how does he not even think to tell me.

There more I think and talk about it the more disrespectful I see he is. He makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable, overly emotional, that he can never do anything right etc etc

Show quote history

In sure I'm not alone in this thread in thinking that his behaviour on that holiday was unlikely to be isolated.

His behaviour is cavalier and inconsiderate and selfish.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 14/07/2023 21:23

Ask to see messages/SM on his phone. If he continues to refuse and/or has deleted messages or apps, then you’ve got your answers.

Your DC are older now, so no excuse to get back into the workforce and make your own money and decisions. This is why women should never give up their financial independence. If possible, always keep a foot in the door re. some type of PT paid employment, voluntary work, qualifications/training once DC arrive. Money = options.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:25

He makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable, overly emotional, that he can never do anything right etc etc

Ach the poor victim.

How dare you criticise him so unfairly (it's justified) or get frustrated when he's - as above - selfish, cavalier, inconsiderate or inappropriate.

He's manipulative and a gas lighter.

Honestly, just take what the most you can in a divorce and enjoy your life - is what I think.
And you'll be able to go out and enjoy yourself without this hypocrite controlling you.

There are plenty of men whom don't act like he does if you want another partner.

Buildingthefuture · 14/07/2023 21:27

This has all turned into a bit of a “LTB” pile on. Did he behave absolutely appallingly? Yes, he did. Undoubtedly he was a massive dick. Selfish, awful, shitty behaviour. But, none of us know him or you. Everyone saying “he’s done this before” or “he definitely shagged her” just cannot and do not know that. Take a breath op and take some time, as much as you need, to work out what YOU want and need. To be fair, the “oops” comment is not a good sign (I honestly think that would hurt me more than the hand holding etc) but we are a bunch of strangers on a website. You know, in your heart of hearts, if he really is a massive cunt (as his behaviour suggests) or if this was a pissed up seriously shitty choice. Act accordingly…….

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:31

Ask to see messages/SM on his phone. If he continues to refuse and/or has deleted messages or apps, then you’ve got your answers.

It's quite a while since the holiday, he's probably deleted any comms if he's had any with the woman. As others have said, he's probably not even saved her under her name etc.

Anyway, this guy is never going to hand over his phone to op; its very clear what he thinks the power & control hierarchy is in this marriage. And it's very clear he thinks/knows op will never take the only/ultimate option she has (to leave him) when he refuses any request/demand/whatever.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:33

Sorry, that was a lot of /'s.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:35

This has all turned into a bit of a “LTB” pile on

Is t a pile on against a poster, not their abusive (to be honest, isn't too inaccurate a word) partner.

Anyway, it's not a pile on; it's a consensus.

And that, in itself on MN, is significant.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 21:36

*Isn't

Tresto · 14/07/2023 21:37

I think if you observe carefully you will notice his selfishness in action.

Sadly this incident has made you see the true him.

isthismylifenow · 14/07/2023 21:38

I suspect there have been quite a lot of small incidents in the past, and that you may now be piecing them all together. And this is why you posted. You did say you weren't sure why you needed to. But you do need to sort out a puzzle. Do that here if you need to.

Does he work away a lot?

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 21:50

isthismylifenow · 14/07/2023 21:38

I suspect there have been quite a lot of small incidents in the past, and that you may now be piecing them all together. And this is why you posted. You did say you weren't sure why you needed to. But you do need to sort out a puzzle. Do that here if you need to.

Does he work away a lot?

No he doesn't work away a lot, hardly ever tbh. He does long hrs though, tomorrow he has to be up at 4am. I don't think he even realises his selfishness, i think he's used to being in control, have people do what he says and that's just what he expects. He went to an all boys boarding school from age 7 and i really don't think he deals with things as a normal person would. I don't think it's intentional, he's just unaware of how other people process things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 21:53

Tresto · 14/07/2023 21:37

I think if you observe carefully you will notice his selfishness in action.

Sadly this incident has made you see the true him.

I think this is the case. There's been so many small things that i've just accepted, but this has just felt like a massive slap in the face - too much for even me to ignore. The laughing incident at dinner was the trigger now - i though he understood how he'd hurt me. I thought he was remorseful. For him to make a joke about it just showed me that he has no idea.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:07

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 21:53

I think this is the case. There's been so many small things that i've just accepted, but this has just felt like a massive slap in the face - too much for even me to ignore. The laughing incident at dinner was the trigger now - i though he understood how he'd hurt me. I thought he was remorseful. For him to make a joke about it just showed me that he has no idea.

Show quote history

Hee understand it perfectly well if you did it to him. In fact he understands the potential for the pain, anger, hurt, loss of control, betrayal etc well enough to try to stop you going out without him. Keep that in mind.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:08

I'm not buying the boarding school thing - I know well adjusted guys who went to traditional boarding schools - they have empathy and integrity and act appropriately.

It's his character.

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:12

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:07

Hee understand it perfectly well if you did it to him. In fact he understands the potential for the pain, anger, hurt, loss of control, betrayal etc well enough to try to stop you going out without him. Keep that in mind.

Show quote history

Yes. But he knows she could never do that. She is not that sort of person. So he feels safe in knowing this. More worringly, he feels so safe in that she will forgive him, he can even laugh about it. No worries there. He can do what he wants, he already has and he will again.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:14

On the subject of your dd, was it yourself and her that he never bothered returning with the room key for?
He went to the club with your son and stayed there.

And he's since booked a formula one for himself and your son, and not included your dd (even if he knows she's not interested in F1, you could both be included on the trio and do other things while races are on). Is it usually a gender divided, lads together set up like this from him?

Your dd is being disregarded and treated cavalierly too, do you think?

And he's so good at manipulation and gas lighting (and you've hidden how he acted on holiday for him) that she thinks you're hard on him.

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:15

His boundairies only goes one way, if you are using the excuse of going to boarding school about 30/40 years ago, well you should be fine doing the same thing. No boundaries and all.

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:16

Are you staying for the money op?

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:18

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:12

Yes. But he knows she could never do that. She is not that sort of person. So he feels safe in knowing this. More worringly, he feels so safe in that she will forgive him, he can even laugh about it. No worries there. He can do what he wants, he already has and he will again.

Show quote history

Agree 100%.

He sounds like an egotistical, arrogant, selfish, high handed ex boarding school boy.

And op sounds like she's been made a bit of a trophy wife. Former model, not allowed out on her own, perhaps encouraged to be a sahm so he's in control of finances, and she feels ok no financial position to leave him.

Like a trophy, she's also not expected to stay where's she's put, and expected to be mute.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:18

*expected

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 22:22

Either he truly has no empathy, or he doesn't care. Neither make him good partner material.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:23

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:16

Are you staying for the money op?

There is no money. We're not poor but not loaded either. As we own businesses together i would be equally entitled to the money.

OP posts:
Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:24

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:23

There is no money. We're not poor but not loaded either. As we own businesses together i would be equally entitled to the money.

Show quote history

Then leave.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 22:26

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 22:15

His boundairies only goes one way, if you are using the excuse of going to boarding school about 30/40 years ago, well you should be fine doing the same thing. No boundaries and all.

I didn't go to boarding school, i wasn't privately educated but am educated, have a degree and post grad. I don't think it's an excuse, added more as a bit of background as i do think he has a sense of entitlement but not sure if that's where it originates or not.

OP posts:
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