Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I do think women are easier date

^^ Personally I found this to be true and not true at the same time, certainly women are generally “nice” people some come with lots of baggage that effects, confidence, ability to trust, ability to judge people, availability, need constant reassurances etc, it is most certainly not all plain sailing.

I was only sent one tit pic, so that probably a bonus,

@LittleFloatingGhost that's good that you spoke. I'd still wonder if he's keeping his options open so I'd say watch how he behaves going forward ie does he suggest dates, or does he let you continue to do the running. Actions speak louder than words and I just feel like the harsh truth is if someone wants to see you, they will.

@Meepme thanks for those tips - and I will keep that in mind.

Messaging is rubbish, you really need to talk either via whats app video or by calling. Then you can reassure each other, messaging is ok for hello, good morning, arranging dates etc.

LittleFloatingGhost I'm really glad that it went as well as it did. Sounds like he's being genuine but just be a little wary (as I know you will be!) It's so difficult isn't it, especially in the early days.

I think that's standard dating across all age groups, with or without apps.

@NoDatingFor0ldMen Thank you for replying - I really appreciate your point of view and it's a very valid point about woman and lack of confidence.

I do think at my age (mid 40s), that most people have a reasonable amount of baggage (failed marriage(s), children, dating disappointments, significant life events/changes/moves etc. Some people have "dealt" with these things better than others - and are in a good mental place - happy enough with themselves and their lives and I suppose ready to date.
A number of people I have met, appear to not really know what they want, haven't moved on from exes or are being held back by the past.

@Pinkprescription I mostly agree with you, BUT I don’t think this is a gendered thing, as this site is 99.9% female, you are going to get a highly skewed set of responses from people who are (mostly) dating men and each person will at least one poor dating experience, so it will look all men are crap

if you went and asked 1000 men you would almost certainly get 1000 stories of awful dating experiences with women, and that will look like all women are crap ( I have a few).

A number of people I have met, appear to not really know what they want, haven't moved on from exes or are being held back by the past

this applies to me (female ) and both my exes (male)

its universal

Well put @Meepme I would really hope though that if he said he wasn't dating/pursuing anyone else he really isn't as that is a really shitty thing to do/say otherwise!
Early on in a couple of dating situations I was open that I was still going on other dates, those concerned were happy with my honesty & it worked out OK.

So things are suddenly not so rosy with MrLocal and myself

His ‘best friend ‘ is a girl, fair enough , I mean I’ve got a pretty close straight male friend so …
But I’ve noticed she texts him like ALL the time
Her name is always popping up on his Apple Watch
He talks about her constantly
Drops everything to go and help her

He asked me if I could take a day off so we could spend some time together so we both took next Friday off

He casually mentions today that he’s going to the vets with her next Friday . For ‘moral support’ coz she doesn’t like going on her own .

I’ve tried to ignore how ingrained with some other woman his life seems to be

But to ask me to take a days annual leave to then make plans with her on that day...
well that's really pissed me off and hoisted a number of red flags .

I think it might be over .

qqq82 Oh no, until the vet part, I wasn't thinking much, but asking you to take leave & then being busy. Not great is it!

Has he said what time he's going with her? Any chance it's very first thing so it won't really spoil your plans? (Clutching at straws!)

I got chatting to one on Bumble 2 days ago, he seems perfectly nice when he talks, but doesn't say much until I really prompt him. I asked him to tell me some more about himself yesterday lunchtime (thinking if I just get a 2 word answer then I'll leave it now)

But he actually sent me 2 long messages telling me loads of stuff so I thought maybe I'm being too critical & just jumped in & asked if he'd like to meet & he said yes!! BUT my months paid membership is up today... I hadn't heard from him since lunchtime so I sent one last night explaining that my membership is up so I'm not sure what happens with the messages but here is my number... Nothing today.

I hate that you don't know if they've even read it or not...

No he would need to leave mid afternoon and be gone a few hours
I really don't know how to feel about this
I don't have the same level of contact with any of my friends , male or female
It was already raising little red flags for me before he asked me to take annual leave, then made plans with her . Casually just dropping it into conversation.

qqq82

ouch
I agree they are red flags 🚩
fucks sake !

you are wise enough to know how to handle this
just stay calm and measured

I hope you are feeling ok

Aah qqq82 In that case then it's a clear no isn't it... I'm so sorry lovely

@qqq82 - I can only offer from my own experience, the last guy I dated had a female ‘bestie’ and he roils jump when she clicked her fingers. Even once we were out and he left me alone in hotel room for over an hour because she was hungry and wanted him to go to subway with her at 2am.

I can only say it is like having a shadow hanging over you the whole time. I grew to really resent her and it ended up with me always being the one in the wrong.

Yes he very much does seem to ask how high when she tells him to jump

Honestly I give up
I'm miserable single but at least I'm not miserable and riddled with anxiety too when I'm not dating

@NervesOfCotton nothing happens to messages after your paid membership ends with Bumble. I think it's only Match where you are no longer able to view messages or likes.

@qqq82 sorry to hear this. I have lots of friends but I know this level of contact would annoy me. Either they want to be together or too close to be invested in anyone else so would cause issues later on. Why dont you say to him that this situation seems a bit messy so you'd like to bow out?

I'd also say with the right person, you wouldn't be riddled with anxiety.

Thank you Meepme. I wasn't sure what the difference was between paid & not. I've just looked on there & he's not answered anyway.

qqq82 I hope you are ok.

I'm really not
He was everything I'd been looking for apart from his weird 'friendship'
Also he knows I'm upset and hasn't done anything to mitigate my fears or checked in on me
We're usually in constant contact and he's always sent a 'good night' message but not last night
Clearly he thinks it's over too

Aww no qqq82 That's how it ended with my brief one, he knew I was upset & didn't give a shit.

I'm so sorry it's ended like this for you. That fall when you were 'up' there, is crap isn't it. Big hugs.xxx

After being single for 2 years since I ended my relationship with my DP of 7 years and father of my 2 DC, I joined Tinder last week and started swiping.

So far, interactions have been good, I haven't yet received any full frontal pictures, unsolicited or otherwise. One guy asked for my number after a few days texting back and forth so we had a lovely hour long conversation, and made tentative plans to meet next week.

I've also been talking to a few other guys, and have a coffee/river walk date arranged for this afternoon. Wish me luck!

@Starseeking that sounds really positive, hope you have a lovely time

Sorry to hear your news @qqq82 😔 but asking you to book leave and then ditching you without even a proper conversation about it is totally off. I have only experienced the female best friend once and did always wonder why they hadn't just got together but turns out I didn't care enough to actually care how close they were. Hope you're OK.