Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Just to add, he initially met the woman in a bar; she and a friend ended up going clubbing with them the previous weekend and then apparently they both drove him home (an hour away). On Saturday he said that he explained to her that he was seeing someone (me) and that he wanted to continue that relationship and apologised to her if he had misled her.

He said it had felt great to be in a different town and meeting with someone with no baggage or expectations and having sparky, flirty conversation. But he also said that while he misses that aspect of being free and single he does definitely want to be in a relationship and share his life with someone (me). We talked about how we could get some of that initial fun and excitement back in our relationship.

I want to be with him but don’t know how to manage the suspicion/anxiety.

@Shwingbada I'd dump him personally. Firstly he lied, then only told the truth as got caught. Also, why would you want a bloke who gets so wasted that he can't remember a random woman giving him a lift. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

I would guess he wants to keep seeing her as he said what a brilliant night he had too. Absolutely no respect for you there. Sorry if I'm harsh but what a piece of work

I couldn't put up with this @Shwingbada
It really shouldn't be this anxiety inducing so early on

I’m sorry but this is highly suspicious. My exh cheated so maybe I’m biased, but why would he meet up with a random woman, pick her up from her house, stay out all night with her, just to tell her he was sorry if he misled her. He wanted to spend time with her. You don’t do that if you think someone likes you but you’re in a relationship and want to make it clear you’re not interested, you stay as far away from them as you can. Sorry @Shwingbada but his explanation does not add up and smacks of telling the “truth” but twisting it to make it seem ok

Shwingbada

no
he lied
and despite telling her he has someone he met her again ? wtf

that’s very hurtful and that’s the trust gone now

I’m so sorry to hear this

Sorry to say I agree with PP’s and he’d be out the door. The elaborate story about the phone would have my alarm bells ringing and his explanation about the woman had more holes than Swiss cheese.

Hello , I was on these threads a while back but realised I wasn’t remotely ready for dating and deleted the apps. Had my months in the wilderness to think about what I want, got back on the apps and now have a date on Thursday which seems fantastic. Thing is I haven’t been on a date since my early 20’s and even then it wasn’t really dating. I need to manage my expectations cos it could be Terrible . Our chat is good, first time it hasn’t felt like a chore and I already feel a bit invested which is ridiculous . Advice please

Thanks all. It’s useful to have your opinions and interesting that you all seem to take the same position. I’m going to mull it over; it definitely isn’t a straightforward “dump the bastard” situation for me, partly because of the quality of our discussion and his self-reflection last night. However, I also have form in tolerating things that absolutely shouldn’t be tolerated (four years with abusive ex) and so I need to be vigilant that it’s a relationship that still makes me happy.

I am very uncomfortable with the fact that he lied and that he took advantage of me being away to arrange this secret meeting but I also recognise that he couldn’t uphold the lie when pressed on it and that he had apparently chosen not to pursue the opportunity for further meetings or contact in order to continue the relationship with me. I am choosing to take his word for that. Maybe that makes me a pushover or low worth or whatever but I will give it a chance and see how things develop. It’s been a very tough year of my life and he has been immensely supportive through that. I also have a great time with him, I love his family and he has enhanced my life enormously. I have ADHD and for a number of reasons he had taken on the role of “enforcer” or allowed his concern for my precariousness with work/money etc to dominate the way we have been relating and so there are various shifts that we need to make to get back to a relationship that ultimately should be fun and enjoyable - we’re not married, we aren’t planning to live together, so it does boil down to love, mutual support and enjoyment.

Thanks again for your responses.

@Shwingbada i think ultimately you just choose the best path which suits you/your mental health but although you paint a very lovely picture now, the bottom line was/is he thought so little of you these last few days and essentially played you. Would you have done the same to him? He just doesnt seem like he thinks that much of you if he's happy to see other women.

It’s difficult to read your message @Meepme: you are right, of course. I’m not sure what to do. It’s gradually sinking in. I have a lot more questions that I need to ask him before I can move on from it, that’s for sure. I feel completely thrown and hugely hurt and disappointed.

@Shwingbada I think you just have to decide where your boundaries are. You sound like your life is enhanced by him even if he's meeting other women. Different people accept different things. No judgement.

I have a tendency to feel jealous and distrustful as it is 😳 and I am inherently very loyal and monogamous. I think it would require a lot of work to be able to have an open relationship (and he says it’s not what he wants, in any case). I think I need to understand better what was going on in his head all week regarding this woman, and also get a clearer understanding of what they actually did. It feels almost certain to me that they must have slept together and yet he denied it. I think I’ll have to ask some intrusive questions as the uncertainty is plaguing me and it feels harder to move on from while there are so many unknown and confusing aspects.

@Shwingbada I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I’m really not sure what to think. His decision to tell you seems odd if he has something to hide yet his motivation for following something up with her is questionable. As one of pps said why on earth would he go out of his way to check on a random woman he only met the week before? Trust and commitment are important to me and something like this would definitely not sit comfortably with me. It sounds like you’re already fairly heavily involved in each other’s lives so walking away maybe feels like a big decision without concrete evidence of cheating. Again as meepme said it’s about what boundaries different people have.

@Shwingbada I'm not sure I could let that slide - I overthink and have trust issues so he would just make me anxious now.

Just back from second date with Mr snap. Took me for a meal which he insisted on paying for despite me trying to go halves so next date is on me 😁

Menopants
enjoy your date 😊

Slothmomma
a 3rd date 🙂
ah hope he makes you smile

Well a carry on from my date on the previous thread...

"Update from me.
The date on Saturday was fantastic, the conversation flowed & we just seemed to get each other. I did go back to hers for coffee & things started to get pretty steamy but we stopped short of the full works (Just).

We are spending the day together tomorrow in mid Wales & she's asked me to stay the night, but we have both agreed its no pressure from either party.
The WhatsApp & phone conversations are just so easy with no red flags so far!!

I think we were both surprised at the connection & chemistry!

A big bonus is we are only 15-20 minutes apart"

The day out in Mid Wales was perfect, I did stay the night.
I also stayed over the weekend and am staying a lot more, we are officially a couple and have both come off OLD!
We just seem to understand each other and want the same things?
Sure its early days & we could both find a stumbling block, but for now we are both very happy 😊

@WtP what a lovely update 🥰

Whoo hoo @WtP

WtP

fancy that !!! A nice change from the usual
melange of ghostings and misunderstandings

Yay! Wtp!

@LittleFloatingGhost
@Menopants
@Thisisworsethananticpated
@Meepme

Thank you all I feel like a teenager again & we've both said we get butterfly's every time we meet. I'm picking her up from work tomorrow lunch time and I've said I'll prepare a meal for her ( I love cooking ) She burst into tears when I told her as no partner has ever cooked for her 😥

I will keep checking in on this thread to see how everyone is getting on 😊
Oh and @Thisisworsethananticpated I've not had a terrible time over the last 7 months on OLD, only got dumped once after 3 months (we are still friends) no ghosting at all and only sent one fanny picture!!!

Good luck everyone.

WtP

yea well you are dating women
a different breed shall we say 😊