Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Very true though I've heard some horror stories from men!

I guess it comes down to a basic level of respect & I am constantly appalled at the way some people & yes its a much higher percentage of men, treat potential dates.
Perhaps I was lucky to have parents that instilled a good moral compass in me?

@WtP excellent news.

I do think women are easier date - that is a huge generalism of course.

I'm still faffing around on one app. I've chatted to some interesting people but there have been a couple more strange experiences in the mix. One declaring undying love - we haven't met. One being a massive fatphobe. This always puzzles me - I have recent pictures of me not just head or half shots - I am upper end of normal and I seem to attract people not attracted to my shape.

I always say this, the blokes always meet people easily though. Might just be because the men on mumsnet are a bit more in tune with their feminine side but pretty much all the male posters met people very quickly and stayed with them

I think the good guys get snapped up on dating apps because they seem to be so few and far between.

Sorry to sound cynical but my experience so far isn’t that brilliant. Lots of matches and a few decent chats but either they vanish without trace or they act to talk about sec and what underwear I’m wearing after a few days.

Meepme

I’d say more in tune with their feminine side definately

i find women easier to deal with period
but I fancy men 🤷‍♀️

Someone suggested trying match, I just joined up and got this lovely message …..

Heyy how are you ?
if you was in my bed I wouldn’t be getting out of it .. my head be glued between your legs and you would have the best orgasm ever!

Why!!!! amongst others, not the best start 😂

I don’t think old is for me.

Oh deer Nelly10
I've never been on Match but they own/run the one that I am on & I imagine the (awful) men go between the Two!

I've got a week or so left on Bumble but still barely any chats. Or they fairly instantly start the sex chat. 'Are you up for FWB?' 'No' 'Is that an absolute no or an I could be persuaded with a glass of wine?' ugh.

One... That's it, one! Chat on OkCupid (who seemed ridiculously lovely!) & he freaked out When I told him I was struggling to read his messages (I assume he thought I was one of those 'Oh this site isn't working for me so I'll have to have your number!') but I messaged him soon after to say that I'd googled & sorted the problem & could read them now, but nope, he unmatched me.

WtP & Slothmomma Lovely update

Shwingbada I hope you are ok today

And you resisted that amazing offer? 🤣🤣

There really are some special men on OLD aren’t there?

No more luck for me either sadly. Been ghosted and deleted by Mr North who I had started thinking was full of shit anyway.

Me and Mr25 agreed no spark after our waste of time dare

Still chatting to Mr Local who comes back from his holiday today. I’m hoping once he’s back in UK conversation picks up a bit so let’s see

Your probably right about most of the men on mumsnet being attuned to the female view of things. I was lucky to have been surrounded by strong women growing up so never under estimate women in any situation.

Though I've heard it said its "easier" for females on OLD as there are more men using it?
Though if a lot of the men using it are anything like the oddball @Nelly10 had a message from then I can see why they don't get dates.

Ooops sorry @Nelly10 that was clearly a terrible suggestion on my part 😂

So I feel like I have been getting mixed messages from Mr Music. In person could not question if he is into me or not - he is present and I like how we interact with one another. Now the bit which makes me question all of this but is the messages! it is inconsistent to wishing he could see me (it hasn’t been possible for him for a few weeks) to responses to how was your day with ‘really busy’. No chat about seeing each other and I am confused. I invited him out for drinks the other week and he was too busy. This is four dates in and having been intimate several times.

He is either not into me or too busy to date (we are both busy with life, kids, jobs), but to have a consistent inkling that we were having similar thoughts would be helpful.

In an ideal world I want to keep seeing him but need clarity on if we are on the same page.

going to have to try and talk to him rather than messaging but I don’t think I am going to like the answer :(

It sounds like he’s keeping you as a backup @LittleFloatingGhost - i would step right back and see if he offers anything, i wouldn’t ask

@LittleFloatingGhost
That's an awkward situation, even if I've been really busy I have always made time to ask about a potential dates day/week/family.
Now I know some men find the daily life small talk hard to do on line but he should at least make some effort.
As a man I would be more direct, just say "are you interested in me & do you see a future in this relationship" us men mostly just like the very upfront direct approach.
My girlfriend was really direct and to the point, it was what attracted me to her as I knew exactly what she wanted and I didn't have to dance around trying to suss her out.

Sorry that should have said "As a man I would prefer you be more direct"

@Bowbowbo and @WtP

I have pulled back before and he does message me, but it isn’t conversational. More of a check in. I do at times feel like I am being kept warm, so the back up thing makes sense. I would be annoyed by that as we had agreed not to pursue anything else whilst we are sleeping together. Just disappointing make sense.

I am definitely going to be direct as there really is no other way! Ah.

@LittleFloatingGhost i think if either sex wants to see someone, they make time, and if they havent got a gap, they at least put something in the diary. To me it feels like he just has you as a backup for now. Especially as you have taken the opportunity to ask him to several things and he's said too busy. That, to me, sounds like a brush off but he hasnt got the balls/inclination to end things.

Sadly I think @Meepme has put it really well, he is not putting the effort in for you @LittleFloatingGhost sorry.

Was it always like this or have I just been lucky & never wanted to hurt anyone else?

@LittleFloatingGhost Mr Music may not be being flaky on purpose about making time for dates but it begs the question how would something truly develop and grow between you if you don’t spend time together ?

@LittleFloatingGhost if it were me, I’d just ask directly. I’d rather not have to do that - but it’s better than not knowing.
the last guy I dated for any length of time, just stopped interacting in the same way. He just had s lot of stuff on in life but he realised it wasn’t right for either of us to go on like that. I knew all about his “stuff” but it wasn’t right for either of us.

Aah sorry LittleFloatingGhost But I agree you need to have 'That' conversation. It's not a good head space to be in is it, feeling that you are prioritising him more than he is you

LittleFloatingGhost

you could make an assumption and match energy
but if you sense you are being ‘kept warm’

that said it’s a low low energy time of year
that end of term feeling

Quick update.
Ms Iceberg and I are going away next week, we're spending 5 full days together, looking forward to it. It's LDR but we are in a pattern of prioritising each other.
We have great chemistry and strong camaraderie.
I will introduce her briefly to the children on Monday before I drop them off. They're very keen to meet her.

On the other points of communication, it's better to call rather than text, it's not always convenient during the day to be chattering. No one knows what's going on in the other person's life.
I know at the moment I have numerous life issues, staff issues, customer issues, cheque bouncing for £6000, workflow issues, my cousin died in his sleep last week, and my brother wants to borrow a deposit for a car. To top it off my children now want to live with me full time.
I'm hoping to get a grip on some of those problems this week so they don't bleed into my holiday. Life ebbs and flows, I've had very few problems in the previous 6 months, and sometimes life can be challenging.

@Harrypewter thats a lot going on but you seem to be in a good place to deal with it all and on a positive note its great you found someone you click with to enjoy your well needed downtime. I hope you continue to enjoy each other going forward.

Thank you. We're in a really good place at the moment. The relationship is solid, riding the bumps from life at the minute.

@Bowbowbo @WtP @Stepcount @Pinkprescription @NervesOfCotton @Thisisworsethananticpated

We spoke last night and it was good. He mentioned how busy he has been. He explained that with everything going on he just keeps himself to himself. I asked if given everything going on did he have time to date or if he wasn’t feeling this we can stop seeing each other. Also suggested that he can just speak to me as it’s really hard trying to interpret messages.

He apologised for being rubbish, said he wanted to keep seeing me and told me when he was next available. He isn’t dating anyone else, just his world is a little upside down right now.

It is really hard trying to establish something with someone, we are both exploring for the first time after our past relationships, four kids between us and demanding careers - learning curve? Both going to make more effort to find time and communicate better.