Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

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The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I haven’t I’ll take a look thanks 😊

I met STBEXH on match affinity. It was expensive and required a massive questionnaire filling in. I figured anyone serious would also be solvent

My update

Date planned Saturday with mr m25. Nothing too heavy just meeting in a pub halfway between us. Not sure I’m feeling it but at worst it’ll be a nice few hours chatting to a decent guy.

Mr smiley just a waste of time. I can’t do monosyllabic men. I need communication so think he’s a delete.

And the latest is Mr North. Good banter back and forth today and both seem keen. Hrs up north at mo visiting family but back in London Sunday so let’s see what happens when he’s back down south.

All sounds promising @samw!
Fingers crossed this one goes well.

I have done something I didn't think I'd do and have approached my ex about trying to date eachother. We are still living together anyway so it's not so weird. I felt excited about it at the beginning of the week and now I'm feeling a little apprehensive... Mostly because I don't want to lose the identity I built up as a "single" woman.

Anyway I am not going to take up loads of space on the thread, want to wish everyone good luck!

Feels like Mr HGV has gone cold. I'm seeing him tonight but if it doesn't go well I'm giving him the elbow.
We had such an amazing connection before we met, then last weekend. This week I've barely heard from him.
I really had good vibes it was gonna go somewhere. So did he, he was planning my big birthday next year.
I shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket
He's definitely not a player.
Starting to think I've pissed him off.
I'll find out tonight and if he cancels, he's definitely binned

So… how many days of non contact would you consider ghosted?!

@spotsandflowers so easy to invest (I did this and probably always will). Hope you have a nice evening how ever it turns out.

@LittleFloatingGhost depends on the circumstances and how often you speak, but if you talk every day I would say 3 days is a pretty strong indicator. 5 days would confirm it for me.

@LittleFloatingGhost that's a good way to put it. It's my first foray into the dating world in 11 years. I've definitely got over invested I think but it's really hard not to when you have so much in common with someone.
Anyway will see what happens tonight

I’m guilty for getting overinvested all the time. It’s hard not to when people give you all the right signals/say the right things. Hope tonight goes well @spotsandflowers

update from me post speed dating! So one of the guys there invited me for a drink after the event ended- we ended up staying out till almost midnight, he walked me back to get the train and we kissed and exchanged details. He does seem nice but I think I’m regretting my decision now the wine has worn off!

Thanks @cytase
Are you going to have a date with him?

I don’t know.

He seems lovely, he’s good looking, funny, seems kind but I can’t help but compare to the instant chemistry I had with my ex. I don’t have that butterflies in my stomach spark that I had with him. But then again, I’d never had that before I met my ex so maybe I’m looking for something that isn’t going to happen again! I’ve had perfectly happy relationships in my 20’s where the attraction has grown more slowly so maybe I have some unrealistic expectations holding me back

Reading that back I think that probably makes no sense!

Off for a lunch date with M25 today. Not sure I’m really feeling it but I need to go on a few dates and really understand what I’m looking for.

Still chatting to Mr North - he’s the one I’m really feeling a vibe with. My only little doubt is - and sort of this sounds shallow - he’s only an inch taller than me and I’ve always gone for tall men. Though I’m not letting that get in way at mo.

Also got Mr local but he’s abroad at mo so communication is sparse.

But definitely seem to be getting more matches this time round which is promising

Well lunch date with M25 was a bit of a damp squib.
Better looking in the flesh than photos but turned up in a scruffy jumper and jeans. Ok it’s lunchtime so not expecting a suit but also a bit of effort to not look like you’ve just been cutting your grass woukd give a better impression.

Nice chat but it didn’t feel like a date. And after just over an hour he said he needed to go as he was getting his dads shopping.

As we left and said goodbye he tried to kiss me on the lips.! He said let’s do it again but I honestly can’t see it happening.

Oh well nothing ventured and all that

@SamW98 about the height difference, I'd be so excited to have someone not much taller than me(most people are because I am fairly short)! It's tiring having to look up all the time which you only realise when when you are regularly interacting with someone of a similar height. Other things are easier too 😁

@SamW98 I am not sure I would write him off too quickly. You found attractive and had a good conversation, but it was more what he was wearing and he left after an hour. Were you expecting longer? I wonder if you both expected different things from meeting. Seems like he wove you into his day, I guess he would dress differently for a dinner or something else.

SamW98

yes I wouldn’t necessarily write someone off for this if I saw potential !

sounds like he saw this is as a fast chemistry 🧪 coffee more than a date ?

Hello,

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday morning. I only seem to post when having issues but anyway, here goes!

Some problems between me and my now boyfriend of 10 months, largely to do with attitudes to our divided time (he basically wants to be more or less independent in the half of the week when he has his teenage boys but meet on his terms, while I struggle with the rigidity of that. He even described it as his “recovery time” which I found a bit insulting. I totally get not being in each other’s pockets but it’s more that he’s happy to make suggestions to meet or drop by but if I take a similar approach, he seems to find it stifling.)

This weekend should have been spent together but I needed to visit my parents in another part of the country. Generally we exchange messages towards the end of the day to say goodnight. I knew he was possibly going out (alone) for a drink, as he likes to do that sometimes. He doesn’t tend to have mobile data switched on so I wasn’t surprised not to hear from him but in fact my messages weren’t delivered until 2am when he was back on WiFi. He read them this morning at 10.

He sent me this message. It seems a bit convoluted and slightly unconvincing to me, but I do have some trust issues so don’t want to rise to conclusions. I just wondered what you all thought. He’s normally fairly concise.

His message:
Morning. Yes, I went out exploring a bit and was going to see about a music event but realised that was silly as too late, but had a nice walk and a drink then was concerned my phone battery was finally going to pop- so hot! Maybe from doing navigation. I managed to to do some setup of the new phone but have reinstated my old one as too hard to use the new one! Must look at it properly as I think I've had my warning from this one! Was late by then so I didn't message in case it disturbed you.
Still feeling a bit washed out but found a very engaging book in the shop so am reading that with some tea in bed. Must get on with a bit soon then will probably head off at about 11.
Hope you have nice sunshine, though windy here still.

I realise that there’s no way of knowing. I don’t want to spoil things with unreasonable suspicion, but it doesn’t feel quite right. I’d love your thoughts! Thank you 😊

@Shwingbada it is difficult to draw conclusions about this as we don’t know him and whether this tone/content is unusual for him- although you say it is. I guess the question is why you are feeling unsettled with him at the moment? It seems like your preferred style of contact is different to his. I think at 10 months in you should feel able to talk to him openly about what you feel and see if you can find a ‘meet in the middle’ solution. Is the relationship working for you in most other aspects?

Shwingbada

the problem with this site is that so many people post about cheating it tends to normalise it and make it seem more common than it is

There is nothing here to indicate anything dodgy

however different communication styles can lead to anxiety
and anxiety can lead to intrusive thoughts

you need to talk to him

@Shwingbada personally I'm not convinced here. I always find a giant blurb about phone issues sounds like bollocks. He probably went out and forgot to speak to you/didn't want to. I'd say you're feeling unsettled so might be worth checking if you are on the same page. Is he on the spectrum? I just wondered as he said he needed 'recovery' which is something my autistic ex would say.

Thank you @Stepcount and @Thisisworsethananticpated

It just seemed a rather elaborate explanation, but not entirely implausible. I am seeing him this evening so will speak to him then. This whole relationship across two households thing is challenging!

I appreciate your levelheaded advice. Generally I feel very assured of his commitment. However, when we met he had not expected to find a relationship and was seeking more fun and frolics so I sometimes worry that the somewhat routine and settled dynamic we have is not quite what he wants.

Thanks again!

Thanks @Meepme

i do sometimes wonder if he might be on the spectrum. Certainly rather inflexible.

@Shwingbada I think it's interesting you said he's normally very concise yet has a very long explanation why he didn't text you back. But only you know what he's like in real life.

All good with Mr HGV.
He had a busy stressful week and shut down a bit.
I've told him not to shut me out so we'll see how it goes
He's admitted to being smitten with me and said he could really fall.
So we're both on the same page.
I'm meeting him tomorrow evening with my dog for a walk

Well. It turns out it is worth trusting one’s instincts, at least sometimes. @Meepme @Stepcount @Thisisworsethananticpated @pinkidentity

Mr K came over last night with all the ingredients to cook a meal. A few minutes in I asked him about the previous evening and he said a bit more along the lines of the text message. He mentioned that he’d gone to a town about an hour away, which happened to be a place he’d been out in the previous weekend, not somewhere he’d usually go and it immediately alerted me and made me think there was a link to that. I asked if he’d been on his own and he said a curt yes and changed the subject, doing something more involved with the cooking. So I pushed harder and said that I needed more reassurance than that, asking him again. Eventually he abandoned the cooking and explained in dribs and drabs that he had met up with a woman who had given him a lift home the previous weekend after he had got completely wasted and missed his train. He said he had very little memory of what had happened that previous occasion and was meeting her to thank her for helping him out and also to check he had behaved ok and to apologise for leading her on (apparently, she likes him). He said that on Saturday they had a brilliant evening with lots of flirty conversation but that nothing more happened between them. He said that they didn’t have sex on either occasion but was rather vague about everything else (claiming that he couldn’t really remember the first night due to drunkenness). He was very remorseful and we had a better conversation about some of the issues in our own relationship then we have had for ages, discussing how he missed flirting and how we had got bogged down in more burdensome situations (he’s been very helpful with à challenging financial situation that I’ve been in, but conversation has often been dominated by that, and we are very involved with each other’s parents etc so very serious but more mundane than it should be in some ways). The drunken evening was uncharacteristic; he went out with much younger laddish colleagues and didn’t have any self control on his drinking. Certainly not a typical night out for him.

I’m not sure what to do about all this. I don’t know if I believe him that nothing sexual happened: the time frame doesn’t really work as he must have been with her till 1am on Saturday. And he was at her house as he picked her up from there. And I’m not sure how I will trust him when he goes on one of his jaunts out alone to the pub now that my fears have been partly confirmed. I barely slept last night and a few minutes ago he got a message alert which doesn’t usually happen at this time of the morning (he’s still asleep), so of course I wonder if it is her.

I’ve not been in this situation before, in any of my previous relationships. If anyone has any advice for how to move forward I would be very grateful.