Why do some women like older men?

[Nightpain]

As a man in his 40s struggling with self-esteem at the moment, could anyone explain why some women seem to like older men? I cant understand the attraction.

Why might someone like a man in his 40s over a man in his 20s or 30s? I dont get it

Oh OK...I think i kinda get it.

Rather than thinking 'young women didn't find me attractive even when I WAS young myself, so how can I feel I'm attractive now?' how abut 'My self esteem was not great when was young, why am I still suffering from low self esteem now I'm forty?'

Yes a decline in our youthfulness can make us feel less attractive. But some people grow into their looks. And sometimes we grow into our confidence too, which is a very attractice trait.

Maybe at 40, we are better versions of ourselves than we were at 20.

The fixation on being fancied...I'd worry that was indicative of not feeling you have achieved what you want from life. Or, not having taken the time developed your personality enough. Of just not knowing who you really are.

You've got to go through a shift whereby you like you and that's enough. Where you accept you aren't a supermodel but that doesn't matter because you like who you are and people who matter to you like who you are.

Rather than getting caught up in superficial ego boosts you have to find a way to generate your own self esteem.

Because you're only going to get older.
And all the gym and haircuts in the world can nor change that.

But if you can look at it as - each day I work to become a better, kinder, healthier, more self confident person...and focus on that then you'll find value within yourself. And it's things like that that other people find attractive.

I meant my husband when he was 37 and I was 23.
We've been together 16 years, married with a toddler.
All I can say is although I appreciate how good looking a younger or my age man is, I actually just don't fancy them.
I'm approaching 40 but I'm more likely to fancy someone in their 50s
When I was in my 20s it wasn't just the looks, I just don't think men start to mature till their 30s (in my opinion)

OP. I am 48. My partner is 59.

I'm not attracted to 'older men'. I'm attracted to him. I've previously dated men a few years older than me, the same age as me and up to 9 years younger than me.

Immediately prior to getting together with this man a couple of years ago, I had a fling with a man 20 years my junior!

We have similar tastes in music. The only real difference is that he was seeing the bands we listen to, going to gigs and playing in bands when I was still in primary school. We enjoy doing similar things in our free time. We often want to do the same things at the same time. Our salaries are comparable. We have children of a similar age. We've both been married and separated from our spouses in the same year (many years before we met). We have hobbies in common.

He's always worked a manual outdoor job so hasn't aged well aesthetically. He looks older than he is (or, at least, not younger) but I don't care. I'd hate for him to join the gym or change his appearance in any way. I love his belly and his slightly sagging arse...

We're just so compatible in every way. And those things are far more important.

You seem to be focusing a lot on looks. I dated older men when I was in my 20s. Not for looks. But because I found men my own age a bit immature, not interested in a relationship, wanted to be out drinking with the boys all the time. Yes, some men look better with age, a lot don't. It was never about looks for me though. I didn't find older men necessarily more attractive than younger men. I fancied a lot of younger men physically but on a personality/maturity level they just didn't do it for me.

By 25 I owned my own house, had a good career and was financially stable. I knew guys still in their 30s who hadn't moved out of their parents house or were still living like students.

I'm now married to a man 1.5 years younger than me, but he has a lot more life experience than I do due to being a father from a young age.

People can give you a million reasons why they find older men are attractive. It's not going to make any difference to your self confidence. You need to work on that yourself.

I feel more confident in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s. I wear less makeup than I did in my 20s, definitely dress more casual. Maybe if you asked people they'd say I was physically more attractive in my 20s but I'm more sure of myself now, more comfortable in my own skin and give less of a shit what other people think. That's what self-confidence is about, not just looks.

Daddy issues definitely plays a part for some.

I went through a phase of being attracted to older men after a long period of trauma (at the hands of men) and also realised how fucked up my dad had been.

I hated older men who were creeps but would drool over the ones who had a nurturing side 😂 I never did anything with them though.

But on a whole I generally think that older men with younger women even up to say late 20s are creeps.

Some women might prefer older men, like some men prefer older women.

It doesn't make YOU more or less attractive, it's just their preferences, like they might prefer muscles, or dark hair or hate beards.

I don't understand how what some random unknown people think would make you feel better.

Your self esteem shouldn't be bound up by what some young women might like. Their opinions should be irrelevant to you.

I'm sorry you're having self esteem issues, but I don't think that knowing some younger women might like you will help - not if your own partner liking you makes no difference to you. I'd be really hurt if I were your partner that it matters so much to you what other women think.

Definitely daddy issues (with some women.) I know a woman right now (aged 29) who is dating a 57 year old. I shit you not. Her parents are not speaking to her and haven't spoken to her for the 3 years they've been dating. Because they are SO outraged that she is dating a man this age, and they refuse to have anything to do with him. They said 'it's him or us.' She chose him.

He is such a miserable, boring fart though. He just sits in all day watching TV, he's been on the sick for 10 years, she works full time and bankrolls him all the time, and they have a little 2 bed private let flat in a really shit area.

No-one knows what she sees in him. He's not even good looking. He doesn't engage with anyone she knows either, and since they met, she has gone from a vibrant energetic pretty trendy ambitious 20-something, to someone who looks, acts, and dresses like an 80 year old. And she never looks happy.

Her dad was 52 when she was born, (her mum was 42,) and she grew up with a dad that was as old as her friends grandads. She got mocked and laughed at at school, and never had much of a relationship with her dad - as by the time she was a young teen, he was an elderly man.

So everyone who knows her thinks it's this that has driven the 'relationship with an older man' thing. The lack of a 'dad aged' daddy.

There's a lot of opinions on this one but at the end of the day we are attracted to who we're attracted to.
I have always gone for older men, my last partner was 17 years my senior. I'm not 100% sure why but I think I have a slightly skewed view of age, my parents were 38 when they had me and my brothers are 11 and 13 years older than me. I really do not see age at all, but I do look at men my age and think they're so immature. Any I have met I've never even thought of dating, and any on my radar now are in the same age bracket as my ex

You are making life very difficult and hard for yourself OP by telling yourself that attraction is only dependent on looks.

I don't understand how the concept of what a certain age group of women find attractive about a certain type of man is going to help you build your own self esteem. It will be an abstract concept, especially in your case as a happily married man.

Working out, parting your hair a different way isn't going to help you.

Talking with someone who loves you might help. Getting some talking therapy might help with your depression.

I mean this kindly, you are barking up the wrong tree with your question. Also meant with warmth, I say to you that I am nearly 60 and you as a 40 year old seem very young to be worrying about getting old and unattractive. Fill your life with meaning, exercise to be healthy, live now and stop worrying about appearances or who fancies who.

Some men age well. Some grow into themselves. Some are pricks when they're younger and mellow and grow up. Sex appeal doesn't have an age. Some younger men will never have it and some older men have it in spades. Attraction isn't to do with age. But it is to do with confidence so if you're stressing out about it that's probably much more to do with how you're feeling.

It's ironic. Apart from money and let's face it, 20 somethings aren't usually clambering to date poor 40 somethings, it's maturity and confidence. Things the OP appears to woefully lack

I’m in a bit of an age gap relationship, my boyfriend is probably your age.
I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t go for anyone who isn’t at least 5 years older than we, although I’ve had successful relationships with people my age. Probably about a 10 year age gap is ideal for me and men I fancy tend to be roughly that age.

I find younger guys (under 40) a little too immature in the kind of things they think are important, attitude to women etc. Also find them a little obsessed with settling down so feel more of a tick list than a real human being.

I’m financially independent so I don’t need an ‘older man’ for lifestyle/ money. I like the deep conversations about a broad range of subjects, that they usually have a clearer idea of who they are/ what matters to them, and they’re more authentic as they give less of a fuck what everyone else thinks of them. Calmer vibe. Great sex.

However there’s also lots to like in the looks dept. For me, men really start looking good past 40. They don’t chase fads but know what works for them/ what they like. Good hair, clean, smell gorgeous, well put together. I’ve got a friend who is 55 and smoking hot, looking after yourself in terms of style and lifestyle works wonders.

Never understood the obsession with young bodies. I see young guys with little on at the beach all the time and just does nothing for me. You love the person’s body because it’s the person you love, not the other way around. It doesn’t hurt to shower and shave and stay a healthy-ish weight, but I find his body sexy as hell and can’t stop touching him up secretly in public.

Guess I like having someone who has a bit more life experience and a more relaxed outlook. I find their minds sexy and with that I find their bodies sexy. Really can’t remember the last time someone under 40 turned my head.

^This is exactly why I like older men.

Interested in the comments about how much people prefer the appearance of older men. Because we're talking 40 here, and that's still relatively young, and before they've actually reached their physical tipping point. There's no reason why at 40 there should be a major decline in the physical appearance of a man if he's a healthy weight and excercises, not had excess, sun, drunk heavily or smoked. Hair loss can be hugely aging, and without a good shape to the face and skull can be unforgiving, but some suit being bald well enough.
Fast forward 15 years or so though and it may be a different story when muscle loss and fat accumulation changes body shape and lifestyle factors really catch up. I wonder how many believe that typically 55 is more physically attractive than 35, or 60 more than 40. Which to me is the test to whether women really prefer the appearance of 'an older man' ie a decade or more older than them, or whether what they're really saying is that men of 40 can still look good, and preferable to a very young man whose body has not filled out yet.
And yes, I know people have mentioned none physical traits that are more important in their attraction, but others have specifically mentioned a preference for older men's looks.

I think it’s a lot more simple that people think - it’s just lust / attraction. People fancy different people. Thank goodness or we’d all be after the same ones!

I fancy younger men. Always have. The thought of dating someone my age or older … no thanks. Just never fancy them. Of course I wouldn’t rule it out if I was single and someones amazing personality turned my head but it’s never happened yet. Been married to much younger dh for 11 years now and very happy. He likes older women so it works well for us!

They're not as aggressive. They're not as obsessed with sex 24/7 and are also better at having it (more experienced, more considerate, can last longer). They're more confident, know more, can talk about a wider range of things. Also they can usually cook.

I always preferred older men as guys my age at the time were too immature. I also think men get into their peak good lucks as they hit 40. It's like they've settled into their features. Just my opinion. Been together with someone 20 years age difference since I was 20. We've been together 17 years. The irony was my older male partner was worried about the age gap, I was not. I've always liked older guys. Maybe not as big as gap as that but me and him just work. If you met us, you'd understand why.

@5128gap I think the term "older" is relative - since the question was about younger women then we refer to middle aged men as older.

While really this is about men in their 40s

I think there are men who look great at 50+, sometimes better than much younger men. But not better than themselves when they were younger

All good looking male celebrities who are in their 50s or 60s were absolutely stunning in their 20s and 30s

I think all the women that prefer older men have seen the title of this thread and are coming on to comment. It's giving a slightly skewed view that most women prefer men 10 to 20 years older.
That's just not the case in my experience. I know loads of women and they're generally with men of a similar age or slight older (say up to 5 years). I think women go for men a little older because men mature later so they want someone of equal maturity to themselves.
But yes, there's a definite difference in the way males and females view sexual attraction in the opposite sex. Men see youth and fertility as the prime indicator of sexual attraction. For women it's far more complicated and there are many other factors that make a man desirable (as you can see from these answers).

I think there are men who look great at 50+, sometimes better than much younger men. But not better than themselves when they were younger

I've known my DH since he was 18 and he's never looked better. He's always exercised and looked after himself. He's still as fit as he ever was and his good health and confidence shine out of him. He's much more relaxed and comfortable in his own skin than he's ever been.

Men who look after themselves can definitely improve with age, but then so can women. That said I love the bones of the man and suppose I see this through the lens of my being nearly 60. We're the same age.

See I think the total opposite is true. (Of course I’m just basing this on my own interactions and experiences)! The men in their late 40s plus that I know are fairly sexist in their attitudes (the irony of me saying this is not lost on me!) and tend to expect women to cook / clean / “serve” them sexually and practically. My dd is 20 and all her male peers are much more emotionally in tune with themselves, less demanding, more open to discussing things. But then perhaps it’s just a general age thing that people tend to get grumpier and more set in their ways as they get older rather than a man / woman thing.

If OP has a partner it might be more about her than about him, especially if they've been together a long time and his partner is attractive.
Other women will think that he's an attractive catch.

I doubt people do things like that just because they like older men. This is not a cliche i ever heard of and relationships with huge age gaps are always quite rare , definitely not something which could be described as a like in general sense

There's a huge difference between aging alongside a man you love and continuing to find him attractive, and the theory the OP is putting forward. The OP appears to believe that there is some USP about older men that makes them particularly attractive to young women. While some people on here seem to support the theory, on looks alone I'd be very surprised if that extended much past a man's 40s, when the less attractive signs of aging kick in, and even then, if it applied to the average man, rather than the outliers, and still yet, whether the sample size of women concerned is large enough to be meaningful.
Supposing the OP takes the anecdotes from women who will have been attracted by the thread title to convince himself he's correct, there will still be a very short time frame for this to apply. Time marches on, and the off chance a small number of 20 year olds might find him attractive because they like 40 year olds, will be of zero comfort to him when he ages out of that category.
Just like women, men need to accept that outside of Hollywood, aging reduces the pool of people who will be attracted to them, broadly speaking, to their own age and maybe older, and look to other sources of building self esteem than the opinion of 20 year olds.

Emotionally more mature and have established goals and aspirations in life. No / less drama in relationship due to being more mature.
looks wise, I find that men generally age better.

besides that, have some self confidence, your partner maybe attracted to your great personality and have a lot in common with you?