Husband sulking over tattoo

[TinyDancer86]

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

I had one like this - threatened to leave if I dyed my hair, went on holiday with my friend on and on. It's all about control.

It's your body so it's up to you and entirely you what you do. I think it's lovely to have a joint celebratory thing. Maybe he's upset because it doesn't involve him. How exhausting.

She already has tattoos, so she clearly didn't agree with him on this in the first place.

Can you explain why you are saying value instead of preference? Value seems a strong word to use for what someone chooses to do to their own body, which has no impact whatsoever on anyone else.

Repeat to your self JADE! Never Justify, Apologize/Argue, Defend, or Explain.

You did nothing wrong and his reaction was so OTT as to be in the stratosphere! Stop apologizing, it only reinforces to him that you 'betrayed him'. And I think the reason he escalated to comparing it to 'cheating' was because you didn't crumble and fall in an abject sorrow at his first 'line of control', that you should have asked his permission or just not done it because you knew he 'disapproved'.

Would I 'ask' my DH if I could get a tat? Hell, no I wouldn't ask, I don't need his permission. Would I tell him ahead of time? Probably, unless (like yours) it was a spur of the moment decision with a group of pals. Actually, he knows I'd love one, he's 'not a fan', but simply shrugged and said "Whatever you want, your body" when I mentioned it. But I can't as I found out when researching that there is a chemical used in 99% of tattoo ink that I am allergic to.

But I digress.

I really think you need to take some time to sit quietly and think about your marriage in its totality. Many of us think our marriages are hunky-dory because there is no violence and they seem to be calm, but when we reflect quietly we realize that there are subconscious patterns of behaviour that really mean things are quite off balance.

Things like walking on eggshells. Do you feel free to speak your mind at any time of do you 'pick and choose' your moments? Do you do or avoid doing or saying things because you want to 'keep the peace'? Do you 'give in' against your feelings or better judgement for the same reason? Do you avoid mentioning things that have happened because he'll get angry or upset and blame you? Do you quiet the children unnecessarily because he has 'that look in his eye' that means he's looking for a reason to get upset or angry? Do you (or the DC) hide their minor (or major) 'misdeeds' from him for the same reason? Do you look forward to the time he walks in the door or do you heave a sigh? Does your house 'feel peaceful' with him in it? Think very carefully and be 1000% honest. Don't 'pooh pooh' seemingly minor things. They're often the key. Listen, I know everyone has 'their moments' and I'm not saying he has to be "Little Johnny Sunshine' all the time. I'm saying to look for patterns of behaviour. His, yours, the children's.

As far as what you do now...not a damn thing. If he wants to behave like a brat throwing a tantrum, let him. He's using the silent/separate rooms treatment to control you and put you back in your box. Think of his refusing to speak to you as 'blessed silence'. Behave with dignity, go your own way, and let him carry on.

My husband loathes tattoos. I didn't have any when we married. I've a few now.

He might make a face when I get another one, but he's not a prick who tries to control what I do with my own body and I don't to him.

He doesn't talk a load of self righteous bollocks either. Funny that.

What the fuck?! Your body your choice. Get the husband lasered off, not the tattoo. Don’t give an inch.

Stop apologising and explaining, he’ll never be satisfied. He’s enjoying the power trip.Tell him he can stop sulking or get out.

Would I 'ask' my DH if I could get a tat? Hell, no I wouldn't ask, I don't need his permission. Would I tellhim ahead of time? Probably, unless (like yours) it was a spur of the moment decision with a group of pals. Actually, he knows I'd love one, he's 'not a fan', but simply shrugged and said "Whatever you want, your body" when I mentioned it. But I can't as I found out when researching that there is a chemical used in 99% of tattoo ink that I am allergic to.

I'm pretty sure they've all had to change the inks they used to use the past couple of years. It might be worth looking into that again if you're wanting one.

@Shelaydownunderthetable Get the husband lasered off, not the tattoo.

😂😅😂

What the hell are you talking about? Did she swear to him that she’d never get more tattoos? Did she tell him she’d totally gone off tattoos? No? Then HER values haven’t changed at all. I prioritise what Iwant for my body, not other people because it’s MINE. How arrogant of you to think you get some kind of entitlement over your partners skin.

I don't have any tattoos a nd I don't like them. I don't think dh would have been keen if I'd had three big tatoos when we met 35 years ago. He is very upstanding in thought and deed. Nowadays, however, he says he doesn't mind a little one if it's discreet and can understand the potential meaning behind it. If I had independently thought through what I wanted and did it, I don't think he'd mind or expect to be consulted.

Having said that, I think he'd be pissed off if I went on a girly weekend and we all did it together because he'd think that I may have been led along and it might not be what I'd have done on my own.

My DP has a tattoo on his arm that I hate. He showed me the design, I said that I don't like it, he got it, end of discussion. It's his body 🤷🏻‍♀️

If tattoos are a value (I don't feel they are but let's go with that), if you meet someone that very clearly and obviously, does not share a value that you see as being incredibly important to you, it's unwise to marry them and unreasonable to berate them for it in the future.

So at best he's a bit thick, at worst this is a controlling temper tantrum and I'd say that if you have a think OP it won't be the only controlling behaviour going on.

If the addition of another tattoo is a line for him he has the option to leave. No one has to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in.

He doesn't have the right to punish you with sulking and unfair accusations though. You don't need to apologise or accept this.

No it doesn't. I've already said I would feel the same and I'm 100% female, so stop with your gender divisive bullshit

@RosesAndHellebores wouldnt it make more sense to ask you if you were led along instead of getting mad and spiralling like OPs husband?

sorry, let me correct that

its funny how hurt some people, irrespective if gender, feel when they realise their opinion in some cases does not matter and they are unheard because nobody asked or wanted them to speak out in the first place

@PaintedEgg, to ask the op? Yes of course. Her DH sounds an arse.

The talk of affair and deflecting makes me think he’s the one actually having an affair and is making you out to be the evil one.
oh and your kids will know something up even if you think you’re not talking in front of them

My feminist side is like you should have total autonomy but if my dh went and got I tattoo on hand, face or neck I wouldn't be impressed.

A small heart on your wrist sounds lovely OP. Enjoy your tattoo

@RosesAndHellebores see this is what I mean. It's understandable to be upset to some extent (we're all just people and have our preferences) but the way he acted is simply not normal. Especially as this is not her first tattoo

Thank you.

Just had a quick search on beard as well.... Something less impactful than a tattoo... https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4770073-to-hate-dhs-beard

A lot of differing opinions there on a temporary feature compared to this, a permanent one...

And I repeat, I firmly believe that a person's body is their own. I just understand why the other person may be upset that a conversation wasn't had first

The key thing is that you already have tattoos so that ship has sailed.

If you were clean skinned before you went then came back with a tattoo it might be different. I find them hideous and a turn off so I'd be very upset. I would wonder why you deliberately wanted to make yourself unattractive to me. However, he clearly fancied you with your existing tattoos so I don't get the fuss about another small one.

I'm in the US. As far as I can find, PPD hasn't been outlawed by the FDA for use in tattoos. One of the other problems is that tattoo ink companies are not required to list their ingredients and artists that make up their own inks won't give away 'their secrets'.

PPD is the same chemical that has caused so many bad reactions in hair dyes. Lucky me!

So all of that is why you wouldn't have one. Why would someone else making a different choice cause you to be pissed off?