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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 14:41

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:34

and thats the part that everyone here is narrowing down to. She had bigger tattoos before, he married her knowing she likes them, she only got a small design on her wrist. It obviously has nothing to do with her general aesthetic or disparity in values because neither should be a surprise to him.

Yet he treated her horribly, compared getting a friendship tattoo to cheating, then gave her a silent treatment. Nothing about this reaction is normal, especially not in this circumstances.

Show quote history

I suspect his issue is while he was OK with her she knew his dislike of then and went ahead without discussion because she didn't want the argument.

I'd never have married a drug user but if I had and he said his body his choice about using drugs I'd have shown him the door. OP's partner is wrong in forming a relationship with her as he may have gotten past the existing tats but should have known more were coming and his views were irrelevant.

Cornchip · 10/07/2023 14:42

Somanycats · 10/07/2023 14:22

You can leave him for any reason, he can leave you for any reason including a tattoo. I also hate them and would be super pissed off if DH had a tattoo in the full knowledge I would hate it. Up to him of course, but actions have consequences and shallow as it is he would be much less attractive to me.

You sound like you’re a fun person to be around.

Are you this controlling about just tattoos or does your “DH” have to run everything past you? Haircut styles, what clothes he wears, how long he takes on the toilet?

I could never be in a relationship with anyone as shallow and frigid as you.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:43

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 14:41

I suspect his issue is while he was OK with her she knew his dislike of then and went ahead without discussion because she didn't want the argument.

I'd never have married a drug user but if I had and he said his body his choice about using drugs I'd have shown him the door. OP's partner is wrong in forming a relationship with her as he may have gotten past the existing tats but should have known more were coming and his views were irrelevant.

Show quote history

I dont think a tiny heart tattoo is comparable to drug use, sorry some things just dont translate like that

given the OP was shocked by his immature outburst i dont think she didnt tell him because she expected him to act this way...i would be surprised if she even was with him if she knew he was like this before

GasPanic · 10/07/2023 14:44

Relationships are generally about compromise on certain specific things to get something better overall.

Once you start ignoring your partners feelings on some things that you want to, they will probably start ignoring yours on some that they choose. And then you will have no relationship in pretty short order.

Maybe the issue is less about the tattoo, but the fact you decided to do something even though you knew your partner wouldn't like it. Which of course now just opens the door for them to behave in exactly the same way.

If you want to do whatever you want whenever you want with zero consideration of someone else's feelings or input then there is a great life state for that and it's called being single.

JulieHoney · 10/07/2023 14:44

I dislike tattoos and even I think your DH is being an asshole about this.

It's reasonable and proportionate for him to be unhappy about it and tell you. It's totally unreasonable to compare it to cheating and to move to the spare room.

So it's not really about the tattoo, is it @TinyDancer86? it's about an underlying issue. Probably that you had the audacity to go away and have a brilliant time with your friends and have a permanent reminder of that bond of friendship - which excludes him.

ColdHandsHotHead · 10/07/2023 14:44

He’s being a twat. He could I suppose be mildly pissed off you did it when he doesn’t like them, but to react like that? No. It’s your skin and your decision. I say this as someone who loathes tattoos.

JamSandle · 10/07/2023 14:45

He is being totally unreasonable and a bit controlling.

ThePM · 10/07/2023 14:49

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 14:17

are you saying you agree with him that her having this new tattoo is akin to cheating?

Show quote history

No, of course it isn’t cheating

But she is saying that she no longer shares his values on this.

His communication is terrible. Maybe he could have said: Fucking Hell! The Hangover is supposed to be a comedy, not an actual list. Or “Honestly it looks shit, and it hurts that you were gullible enough to go along with whoever’s bright idea it was”

All the Tell him to grow the fuck ups, are just gaslighting. Getting more tattoos when you know someone really doesn’t like them, and then telling them they have no right to be upset is gaslighting. She would be happy to accept his compliments.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:49

@GasPanic there are certain things that your feeling about should not matter - and a lot of these are to do with your partner'a body.

any asshole can say their feeling got hurt because their partner executed any level of autonomy such as:
-wore something their spouse didn't like
-ate something their spouse mentioned a dislike for
-cut their hair
-put on makeup certain way
-underwent a medical procedure
-watched something without their partners approval
-went to an event without asking for permission

just because you feel hurt by lack of control over someone does not mean you're justified in being a dick to them

FabFitFifties · 10/07/2023 14:50

This is probably not about the tattoo. It's en excuse to have a go at you for going away with the girls. Don't pander to this, or he'll know he's got you where he wants you - safely at home and not threatening the status quo.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:51

@ThePM did OP ever said she shared his values? she said she was shocked by his reaction so perhaps it didnt even occur to her he may be this immature

Grimchmas · 10/07/2023 14:51

I'm still waiting to read a reply to this thread that properly justifies why the partner of an already tattooed woman should be able to veto her getting another.

@CheeseCakeSunflowers
I agree that you have the right to do what you want with your own body but I'm also wondering if his reaction might be more to do with it being part of a matching set with other people. Does he maybe feel that you've made some sort of gesture, particularly with it being a heart, of a connection with them that he is excluded from.

If this is the reason behind his reaction it doesn't make it any better. She is a person who is allowed to have and to celebrate relationships with her friends that aren't anything to do with him.

Naunet · 10/07/2023 14:52

He’s being a massive, massive misogynistic prick. Stop apologising to him for god sake, you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s not your father, or your owner, and it’s your body. You should be furious with him for treating you like property. Like others, I suspect this dramatic bullshit from him is about more than your tattoo.

TheMossEnthusiast · 10/07/2023 14:53

Maybe you should have an affair and then ask him if he still thinks it is comparable. He sounds like a dweeb if I'm honest.

Coralsunset · 10/07/2023 14:53

He’s a controlling Wankbadger.

My friends and I did the same thing, and one of our group was a bit worried because her DH doesn’t like tattoos.

His reaction was disbelief, then laughter, then disbelief again, then a shrug. He didn’t look remotely moody with her or annoyed. Because he understood that he doesn’t own her body.

TheCrystalPalace · 10/07/2023 14:53

GasPanic · 10/07/2023 14:44

Relationships are generally about compromise on certain specific things to get something better overall.

Once you start ignoring your partners feelings on some things that you want to, they will probably start ignoring yours on some that they choose. And then you will have no relationship in pretty short order.

Maybe the issue is less about the tattoo, but the fact you decided to do something even though you knew your partner wouldn't like it. Which of course now just opens the door for them to behave in exactly the same way.

If you want to do whatever you want whenever you want with zero consideration of someone else's feelings or input then there is a great life state for that and it's called being single.

THIS!

Grimchmas · 10/07/2023 14:53

@ThePM don't you think the fact that she already had large tattoos and hasn't renounced tattoos in general should have been a sign to him that they didn't share that particular value? (If it is even a value - I think it's a preference in taste)

category12 · 10/07/2023 14:54

I think he's pissed off that you went away and resents/is jealous of you having such a strong bond with your mates you'd get matching tattoos.

He's determined to make you suffer for having a good time.

Seeingadistance · 10/07/2023 14:54

StopStartStop · 10/07/2023 12:24

If you are childfree, leave.
If you have children, throw him out. Ask him to leave.
Tattoo - your body, your choice. He doesn't own you.

This.

StarchySturgess1 · 10/07/2023 14:56

@ThePM What an appropriate handle for someone who talks such utter bollocks.

Naunet · 10/07/2023 14:57

ThePM · 10/07/2023 14:00

I loathe tattoos. It really really would make me think less of someone to get one, and in the circumstances you have described- more so.

For me it would be a case of “I’m so disappointed in myself that I’ve ended up with someone that would do that.” It shows a gap in your value systems- he thought you shared values and you don’t. If you would do this- what other gaps are there in your value systems.

Presumably you did know he hated Tatts? And you did it anyway? Is that why you’re apologising? If you were happy to get it Lasered off/ it doesn’t actually mean much to you.

What did you actually think his reaction would be?

Show quote history

Here’s a hint for the haters of tattoos, don’t marry someone who already has tattoos and then think that you get to control them to the point of stopping them from having more. Find someone who has the same views as you, YOU DO NOT GET TO FORCE YOUR PREFERENCE ON OTHERS, or pretend to be shocked when a person who has tattoos, continues to get tattoos.

Sandra1984 · 10/07/2023 14:58

This issue is not about a tiny tattoo, it's about him loosing control of you.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:58

also, there is being upset and there is whatever the hell OPs husband is doing

I was upset when my last chocolate snack got eaten but I am yet to compare this betrayal of trust to my husband having an affair

gamerchick · 10/07/2023 14:59

Id be booking something a lot bigger than a little heart on the wrist OP. How dare he.

Tell him he either gets out of his strop or he goes and does it somewhere else until he's over himself. Is he not stropping because you went away and left him with the kids and is choosing this as the stick to beat you with?

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 10/07/2023 14:59

Your body your choice OP. He has no say. If he gets like this over a tattoo what else can he try and control in the future?

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