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Original poster

To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

260 replies

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 14:35

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun.

On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good!

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

OP posts:
Original poster
CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:20

Why are you blaming me!! @Sandra1984 I said no!

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:24

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Original poster
CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:30

@Sandra1984 that's vile of you to say. You have blamed me for not reacting how you think I should have! And you judge me for my attitude towards driving/money, look at yourself!

Yeah, this thread is bonkers. It's obviously triggered some people where all they can see is money/lack of money and being so much more judgemental than me. But hey, bet it feels good to be a dick to someone!

OP posts:
Hehasasecretfriend · 05/07/2023 09:31

I can't believe the replies here.

OP is so right. He's not at her 'level' financially. It's not just the amount he earns, it's how he handles his money.

I also find men who haven't learned how to drive - for no valid reason - very unattractive. They are happy to be the person always asking and never offering.

He doesn't take himself seriously.

The sex stuff is just gross.

I did date a guy briefly like this in my early 30s. He was also mad about me and very goodlooking and nice to me. A few weeks in I thought no, not for me and I mentioned in passing to my friend my reasons; he doesn't enjoy his job at all but has zero intention of changing, he goes to the same pub on the weekends and gets shitfaced with the same people who he doesn't seem to like, he doesn't do anything other than work and pub, he earns less than me, he doesn't drive, he called over once when I was ill and spent the whole night pestering me for sex.

It was an overall picture of someone who didn't really like his lot but couldn't be bothered to get something different.

For some reason my friend reacted like this thread, exploded at my condescending attitude and arrogance. Ok whatever.

I think your instincts are coming in too because behind this chilled nice guy facade he might not be; the blowjob stuff is awful.

GuinnessBird · 05/07/2023 09:33

To be fair the guy putting his knob in her mouth was a drip feed after a few posters including myself thought that OP sounded pretty awful.

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:36

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Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:39

@CattyCattle that's vile of you to say. You have blamed me for not reacting how you think I should have! And you judge me for my attitude towards driving/money, look at yourself!

The fact a man earns less than me or has no driving license is not that much of deal breaker honestly, the fact than a man will sexuall abuse me (on a first date!) is quite a big deal. I'm a bit baffled about the fact that you would normalize such bad behaviour hence the reason I would reccomend building some good old boundaries before you continue dating. If you think this behaviour is ok you're not ready to date. Not yet.

Plentiful · 05/07/2023 09:43

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Original poster
CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:44

I obviously don't think it's okay otherwise I wouldn't have said about it! Where have I said that it's okay? I also said a firm no, a boundary isn't something you put on someone else. I stated a boundary, he overruled it and you blame me for that! Why? Because I also didn't like that he didn't drive or earn decent money...

OP posts:
Back21970 · 05/07/2023 09:44

Are you in the Uk because £2k a month is a pretty average wage IMO.

The driving thing would kind of put me off but not a deal breaker.

The sex however sounds awful 😞

I think overall he’s not really for you - and there’s nothing wrong with being choosy.

readingismycardio · 05/07/2023 09:58

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

Envy - NOT ENVY! RUN!

whumpthereitis · 05/07/2023 11:00

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:44

I obviously don't think it's okay otherwise I wouldn't have said about it! Where have I said that it's okay? I also said a firm no, a boundary isn't something you put on someone else. I stated a boundary, he overruled it and you blame me for that! Why? Because I also didn't like that he didn't drive or earn decent money...

Don’t let it get to you, really. There will always be those that will think you’re a gold digging spoilt harpy if finances are at all important to you, and you want to have a lifestyle that costs more than the average. Let them crack on with thinking it, you don’t have to give it headspace.

Also crack on and dump him too.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 11:25

With the rough sex. I did say it was hurting a couple of times and then after a bit he'd do the same again

OP had already written this, so it wasn't really a dripfeed was it? Posters just wanted to pounce on a woman who dares want more for herself than a thirty plus year old man who earns crap money, doesn't drive and lives in a houseshare.

They fact that posters ignored the above to berate the OP from wanting more from a man honestly baffle me. Doesn't surprise me anymore though. The amount of women on this site who fall over themselves to encourage women not only put up with useless manbabies but to just do more and try harder, shows the mentality of some of them. I suspect most of them took on inadequate men themselves and now regret that decision and they despise any woman who values herself a little more and doesnt act out of desperation to be in a relationship, any relationship. I say it all the time but it absolutely fascinates me.

myNewName21 · 05/07/2023 11:26

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:44

I obviously don't think it's okay otherwise I wouldn't have said about it! Where have I said that it's okay? I also said a firm no, a boundary isn't something you put on someone else. I stated a boundary, he overruled it and you blame me for that! Why? Because I also didn't like that he didn't drive or earn decent money...

What is it with the money thing ?
according to your own posts you only earn about 600 quid more per month, so you are hardly in a position to claim others don’t earn decent money,

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 11:29

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 11:25

With the rough sex. I did say it was hurting a couple of times and then after a bit he'd do the same again

OP had already written this, so it wasn't really a dripfeed was it? Posters just wanted to pounce on a woman who dares want more for herself than a thirty plus year old man who earns crap money, doesn't drive and lives in a houseshare.

They fact that posters ignored the above to berate the OP from wanting more from a man honestly baffle me. Doesn't surprise me anymore though. The amount of women on this site who fall over themselves to encourage women not only put up with useless manbabies but to just do more and try harder, shows the mentality of some of them. I suspect most of them took on inadequate men themselves and now regret that decision and they despise any woman who values herself a little more and doesnt act out of desperation to be in a relationship, any relationship. I say it all the time but it absolutely fascinates me.

One of the most important things my mum ever told me growing up: don't just marry for love, marry for money.

She didn't mean riches, or golddigging, but making sure whoever I ended up with was financially stable with a decent income. She said when you marry and are poor together it destroys the relationship anyway. Love isn't enough.

Luckily I married for love but DH is also very financially responsible. We're not on superhuge incomes (50k each) but it's enough to feel financially comfortable. Totally normal if you're interested in a life partner to want someone who earns well.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 11:57

I agree @FuckTheLemonsandBail I don't think it's unusual to look at the bigger picture. More women should.

Original poster
CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 12:23

Cheers for reporting me! Nice of whoever it was to not post within the guidelines to me, but then report me for reacting to you! What a great person you are! So morally superior because you have such low standards!

OP posts:
Original poster
CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 12:24

Thanks to the posters who have validated me that I can leave anyone for anyone reason and helped me work through this! 💜

OP posts:
FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 12:36

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 11:57

I agree @FuckTheLemonsandBail I don't think it's unusual to look at the bigger picture. More women should.

They should.

Better to think carefully at the start about whether the lifestyle you desire is possible with the income/ambitions/education of the guy you're seeing than end up stuck with three kids you barely see cos you're working your arse off while worrying about money and food cos their dad has no desire to ever get above minimum wage.

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 05/07/2023 12:50

You can have my dh OP. He's a tradie, who drives, likes a good shag, earns more than you aswel.
And I'm 'not a grown up' because I don't drive and earn less than him. So he can divorce me on that basis according to you and many other posters.

GG1986 · 05/07/2023 12:57

Set the guy free ffs, you don't sound that interested in him.

TragicMuse · 05/07/2023 13:10

I absolutely don't understand anyone thinking they're being 'too choosy' when it's about a partner.

If there's any time you should be choosy it's when you're picking someone with whom you'll share body fluids, hopes, dreams, jokes, the secrets of your heart.

He could be THE most perfect paper match, but if your heart doesn't skip or flutter then what's the point? Really?

He might be lovely but he isn't the one for you.

TragicMuse · 05/07/2023 13:13

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:00

I woke up at his this morning and couldn't put my clothes on and get out the door fast enough! And usually I'm a cuddly person.

My friends are saying to go with it and see what happens and that the butterflies aren't there because he's a nice guy and I don't feel anxious about whether he will text me back or not.

As to your friends, utter nonsense.

I was sure of my husband from the start, had the flutters all the time. I STILL get occasional butterflies after 17 years.

Security is no replacement for the heart beating in excitement when you think about them.

owloak · 05/07/2023 13:17

I'm another one who thinks driving IS a life skill. I would not date someone who didn't drive. End of.

I also do care about a potential partners earnings and their motivation to climb higher. I could see myself potentially relaxing on this if I was madly in love. But I would have to seriously think about logistics for the future (having children/buying a house/ money stress). But my partner would have to be motivated to want a higher salary in the coming years.

A potential partner for me would have to be someone who acts their age. In your 30's, in a house share, spending money on nights at the pub regularly...no thank you.

I think you've had a hard time here OP.

Bookworm20 · 05/07/2023 13:22

Thing is, if he was a really hard worker, the lower salary wouldn't be an issue as long as he works hard he'll have potential to earn more as life goes on. however, not driving at the age he is at, is likely one of the main things limiting his earning potential. And I actually think someone in their early 30's living in a house share who hasn't bothered to learn to drive and therefore earn more to improve their lifestyle is probably a lazy arse.

He does not sound great at all following the more recent updates! It sounds like he has basically spent his time wanking away to porn instead of actually turning into a functioning adult.

Everything you have said would put me right off if I met someone like that. Salary being the least of the issues, IF he was actually doing something to better himself.

Sounds like just another man child. Highly unattractive. No wonder you don't have butterflies.

If he asks why you're dumping him, don't tell him its because of his salary or lack of driving skills, I'd just say you don't think he has much ambition and appears to have a history full of porn, so you're struggling to find him attractive.

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