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Original poster

To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

260 replies

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 14:35

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun.

On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good!

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 04/07/2023 22:22

Nope . I'd find it seriously odd he doesn't drive . His income wouldn't bother me but the can't drive would .

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 22:27

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 21:25

Oh and he told me about the death grip himself! I joked about it and he said well actually..

I'm an open book so tend to get a lot of openness back.

Gosh I've really riled a few posters up haven't I! Even down to insults about how I might be shit in bed if he goes on for ages!

I'm quite surprised how many women would be okay with all of this! No wonder the relationship board is full!

If you don’t want to date him, then don’t, but just don’t claim he doesn’t earn very much, when you don’t earn much more, it really show’s poor judgement and double standards from you

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:31

Of course it's a life skill. It doesn't mean that it has to be done at 17, and it's also really expensive. It's a lot easier to get it sorted when you're younger.

If I really fancied him I don't think I'd mind any of it, well the sex thing I would. I'd go right off him really quickly.

OP posts:
SayHi · 04/07/2023 22:35

Lol driving is not a basic life skill.

I know some people who don’t drive at all or who waited until much older.
I know of at least 3 women who learnt in their 40s.

It is of course easier to learn when you’re younger but when it’s £20 for half an hour then most young adults can’t afford it or they live in an area that doesn’t require it.

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:37

I don't think you're a grown up if you can't drive (unless there is a disability preventing it). I don't know a single non driver who doesn't scab a lift and expects others to put themselves out for them.

OP posts:
violetglow7 · 04/07/2023 22:43

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 14:56

I don't think just under 2k is normal for the type of men I usually date. I do usually like a tradie and they earn 2k a week on a good week. Even lorry drivers are all over 65k a year now.

We've gone 50/50 which I don't mind, but I've never gone 50/50 before! I know I must sound like a princess but in my head all I can see is it costing me.

There are plusses to him. He's nice, he's thoughful, no kids, had therapy after ex and been single over a year. Same sense of humour and interests. He really likes me! I feel like I can't quite look at him.

You sound pretty shallow tbh. You're lucky he wants to date you with an attitude like that towards money.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 04/07/2023 22:48

I wish my partner earned just under 2k a month

Annalisea · 04/07/2023 22:49

violetglow7 · 04/07/2023 22:43

You sound pretty shallow tbh. You're lucky he wants to date you with an attitude like that towards money.

Show quote history

This

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 22:51

SayHi · 04/07/2023 21:32

I'm quite surprised how many women would be okay with all of this! No wonder the relationship board is full!

Most women aren’t shallow enough to judge a man on whether he can drive or his salary (especially when it’s similar to their own).

If you need a man that can drive and earn more than you that’s fine.
But I don’t know why you’re still wasting this guys time when you know it’s not really what you want.

I reserve my right to reject any man for any reason I see fit.

Why on earth should we settle for things we don’t want?

A man who can’t drive would be a total deal breaker for me. To me it suggests dependency, a lack of drive (literally), an inability to financially manage to prioritise a basic and key life skill, and someone who is likely to become a burden, one way or another.

I am entitled to that. It doesn’t make me shallow. It’s not illegal, it’s not rejecting someone for a personal, genetic or a physical trait that he cannot change. And I defend women’s rights to find a non-driving man unattractive.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/07/2023 22:51

Do you live in London or a big city? If so and he doesn't drive because there's heaps of public transport that's not so odd. Plus it's a pretty easy fix if he was your dream man. But he isn't, so I'd move on!

SayHi · 04/07/2023 22:54

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:37

I don't think you're a grown up if you can't drive (unless there is a disability preventing it). I don't know a single non driver who doesn't scab a lift and expects others to put themselves out for them.

Lol tell that to my 46 year old friend who’s a doctor and married with 3 kids.

She’s a grown up, not a scab and doesn’t expect others to put themselves out for her.

She just uses public transport, cycles or walks.

The more you post, the more immature you sound.

SayHi · 04/07/2023 22:56

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 22:51

I reserve my right to reject any man for any reason I see fit.

Why on earth should we settle for things we don’t want?

A man who can’t drive would be a total deal breaker for me. To me it suggests dependency, a lack of drive (literally), an inability to financially manage to prioritise a basic and key life skill, and someone who is likely to become a burden, one way or another.

I am entitled to that. It doesn’t make me shallow. It’s not illegal, it’s not rejecting someone for a personal, genetic or a physical trait that he cannot change. And I defend women’s rights to find a non-driving man unattractive.

Show quote history

You can reject whoever you want to, for whatever you want to.

But it’s not a basic life skill and rejecting someone because they don’t drive or aren’t a high earner is shallow.

Fortunately all the men I’ve met aren’t shallow and don’t care if a woman can drive or not.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 23:01

SayHi · 04/07/2023 22:56

You can reject whoever you want to, for whatever you want to.

But it’s not a basic life skill and rejecting someone because they don’t drive or aren’t a high earner is shallow.

Fortunately all the men I’ve met aren’t shallow and don’t care if a woman can drive or not.

Show quote history

Driving is considered an essential life skill. Much like swimming. I’d also reject a man for not being able to swim.

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 23:05

Tbf if someone said they would reject me over something like me having short hair I might feel a touch reactive and say well screw you, so I understand why it's triggering some people. However, driving is a life skill and it is rubbish always being the driver. I have definitely had conversations with men who say they stop talking to women over them not being able to drive, they would never date a non driver. Most people don't want to feel like a parent in a relationship by driving someone around all of the time!

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 04/07/2023 23:12

Not sure what your earn and not driving has anything to do with. When I met my other half he didn't drive and had a poorer job than yours but by gum the butterflies were there and still are 3 children later. He also does drive now and has a much better job plusses but weren't essential to feeling love. I wouldn't stay with this one.

Mmhmmn · 04/07/2023 23:22

Always4Brenner · 04/07/2023 14:40

No butterflies don’t go there plus the sex going on too long unless he’s giving you pleasure forget it. You’ll end up sore and bored.

This. Because of the no butterflies.

Not because he takes home under 2k a month.

What is the death grip? If from too much porn that doesn't sound great

Mmhmmn · 04/07/2023 23:31

I've seen the death grip explainer now and my oh my, that is grim.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 00:15

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 20:53

by her own admission the OP only earns 600 quid a month more, that’s hardly setting the world on fire, looks down on people who earn less, is shocked when she pay her own pay her own way and doesn’t seem to grasp the fundamentals of public transport, if you think that’s good adulting, then god help the rest of society

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The fact that you have taken this from my post says an awful lot about you. What do you think about him living in a houseshare? The fact that he cannot perform in bed normally due to death grip? The fact that OP has had to ask him to stop doing something during sex and twice he has ignored her and done it again? Just because your standards are in the gutter doesn't mean hers have to be. Your post has made me sad for you and I dont know you. Everything I listed and you brought up that the OP only earns 600 quid more than him and want to berate her for looking down on people. Fuck me.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 00:19

Though this thread highlights why we have umpteen posts from women stuck with shit men.

ladykale · 05/07/2023 00:29

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 04/07/2023 15:10

So you earn £600-£700 a month and don’t drive but you don’t think he’s good enough?

It's unbelievable how poor so many people's basic comprehension skills are.

She clearly says 600/700 more than him I.e. 2.6-2.7k yet so many Qs here

SarahDippity · 05/07/2023 00:30

Having a relationship with someone is more than having a laugh and getting along and fixing the odd radiator. You need to add shared values and compatibility, and that includes lifestyles you are comfortable with. This guy doesn’t tick your boxes; I’d let him go.

myNewName21 · 05/07/2023 06:40

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 00:15

The fact that you have taken this from my post says an awful lot about you. What do you think about him living in a houseshare? The fact that he cannot perform in bed normally due to death grip? The fact that OP has had to ask him to stop doing something during sex and twice he has ignored her and done it again? Just because your standards are in the gutter doesn't mean hers have to be. Your post has made me sad for you and I dont know you. Everything I listed and you brought up that the OP only earns 600 quid more than him and want to berate her for looking down on people. Fuck me.

Show quote history

I think it says more about you and you judge people by money and asserts, you come across as a person who would date anyone who drives a car and wears a nice watch, and you think others have low standards …

Snoken · 05/07/2023 06:49

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:37

I don't think you're a grown up if you can't drive (unless there is a disability preventing it). I don't know a single non driver who doesn't scab a lift and expects others to put themselves out for them.

I was fully on your side until you made this statement. I learnt how to drive in my mid-30’s because I spent my 20’s and first half of 30’s living in Brussels, Paris and London where having a car would have been a nuisance. I left home at 16 so my parents couldn’t teach me to drive in my teens. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t an adult until I passed my test, it just meant the life I was living didn’t require a car or a license.

gannett · 05/07/2023 06:56

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:00

I woke up at his this morning and couldn't put my clothes on and get out the door fast enough! And usually I'm a cuddly person.

My friends are saying to go with it and see what happens and that the butterflies aren't there because he's a nice guy and I don't feel anxious about whether he will text me back or not.

The biggest question for me is why this is such a dilemma for you that you have to ask the internet about it. You can't get your clothes on fast enough, you can't even look at him. How are those not gigantic indications that you're not into him? It doesn't even matter why. If you're this repelled by someone don't go out with them! Why would you even continue with so little attraction?

As for the rest of it, salary and driving ability have no bearing on someone's character. I always find it funny that MN (rightly) demands that men break traditional gender roles when it comes to housework but insists on them when it comes to earning money and driving. But none of this matters, you don't fancy him.

User106487665 · 05/07/2023 07:09

DS learned to drive at 17 but has never driven a car because he lived in a couple of large city centres from 18 so a car would have been more a hindrance than a help, this will be more common in the future with city livers as driving and parking is made so difficult in these places. If DS hadn't passed his test at 17 he wouldn't have bothered now, he's 30.