Page 8 | To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

CattyCattle · 2023-07-04T13:35:07+00:00

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun. On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good! But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long! He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

whumpthereitis · 05/07/2023 07:12

Your friends aren’t the one that would have to actually be in the relationship, so ignore them. You’re not into this guy, and on paper you’re not evenly matched at all.

‘Nice’ is a bare minimum, and by itself doesn’t signify overall incompatibility.

it’s also absolutely fine to want to date men in an equal or better financial position. Depending on the lifestyle you want to have, you could easily find yourself in the position of having to subsidize this one, and I didn’t and wouldn’t want that either when I was dating.

SpainToday · 05/07/2023 07:12

A man who can’t drive would be a total deal breaker for me. To me it suggests dependency, a lack of drive (literally), an inability to financially manage to prioritise a basic and key life skill, and someone who is likely to become a burden, one way or another.

This

User106487665 · 05/07/2023 07:14

I would just find someone else but that might not be that easy...

myNewName21 · 05/07/2023 07:23

gannett · 05/07/2023 06:56

The biggest question for me is why this is such a dilemma for you that you have to ask the internet about it. You can't get your clothes on fast enough, you can't even look at him. How are those not gigantic indications that you're not into him? It doesn't even matter why. If you're this repelled by someone don't go out with them! Why would you even continue with so little attraction?

As for the rest of it, salary and driving ability have no bearing on someone's character. I always find it funny that MN (rightly) demands that men break traditional gender roles when it comes to housework but insists on them when it comes to earning money and driving. But none of this matters, you don't fancy him.

Show quote history

As for the rest of it, salary and driving ability have no bearing on someone's character. I always find it funny that MN (rightly) demands that men break traditional gender roles when it comes to housework but insists on them when it comes to earning money and driving. But none of this matters, you don't fancy him

100% this ^^, the income etc doesn’t matter if you don’t fancy him ( but there are probably some people who find him more attractive if he earned £240k rather than £24k, ), the comment about gender roles is very true, men are still expected to bring their traditional values to the table, and then clear the table & do the washing up and put the kids to bed, not really sure what some women are offering these days ?,

Catzlife · 05/07/2023 07:39

Even lorry drivers are all over 65k a year now.
Hahaha

How Much Does An HGV Driver Earn On Average? The average salary for an HGV driver in the UK is typically in the range of £25,000 to £35,000 per year.27Feb2023

User106487665 · 05/07/2023 07:48

A lot of the higher wages for lorry drivers and trades like that is from overtime, the hourly wage is generally not that high so of course you can earn more if you have no other life. Also the higher wages in a lot of trades are those that own the companies not the ones that work for them.

User106487665 · 05/07/2023 07:52

Are you that much of a catch, yourself

ArcticSkewer · 05/07/2023 07:55

I'm surprised the multiple orgasms didn't feature higher on the list of reasons to stay, but maybe that's normal for you.
Try finding someone who gives you the same but better, in that case

sammylady37 · 05/07/2023 07:56

it’s also absolutely fine to want to date men in an equal or better financial position. Depending on the lifestyle you want to have, you could easily find yourself in the position of having to subsidize this one, and I didn’t and wouldn’t want that either when I was dating

The op doesn’t want to subsidise someone but is happy to be subsidised, which is blatant hypocrisy

bumblebee2235 · 05/07/2023 08:01

My partner when I met him didn't earn much or drive, but he did have a great work ethic and was motivated... so we grew together and now he does it all.

quietnightmare · 05/07/2023 08:03

House share - not a problem most people need two income to get a mortgage

Driving - not an issue he can learn in due course should he want too

Spends his money on fun- well yes he's a single-ish

The wanking thing - wtf

Deal breaker - NO BUTTERFLIES

samestyle · 05/07/2023 08:08

I dated someone just like this, mid 30's I did want to settle down and he could never offer this, i didn't live near public transport, so all the driving was down to me and he would spend most his wages on drinking and having fun, living in shared housing, just living day to day rather than wanting a future, so if you're looking for a serious relationship then you're not wrong to want to end it.

Washinglinewench29 · 05/07/2023 08:09

No butterflies....no go.

whumpthereitis · 05/07/2023 08:20

sammylady37 · 05/07/2023 07:56

it’s also absolutely fine to want to date men in an equal or better financial position. Depending on the lifestyle you want to have, you could easily find yourself in the position of having to subsidize this one, and I didn’t and wouldn’t want that either when I was dating

The op doesn’t want to subsidise someone but is happy to be subsidised, which is blatant hypocrisy

Well, she wouldn’t be happy to subsidize someone. There will be men that won’t want to subsidize her, and those ones aren’t required to date her. There will also be men that won’t have a problem with it. Hypocritical or not, she can have whatever requirements she likes. Dating isn’t an equal opportunity endeavor.

Hehasasecretfriend · 05/07/2023 08:39

OP you are mildly repulsed by him and I can see why. He has a passive attitude to life which doesn't match yours.

Really just break up with him immediately. He sounds like a nice fella and even though he's not your cup of tea he will be someone else's.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 08:58

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 22:37

I don't think you're a grown up if you can't drive (unless there is a disability preventing it). I don't know a single non driver who doesn't scab a lift and expects others to put themselves out for them.

Until I was in my late twenties I'd never actually dated a driver, and it was a nightmare. Constantly being on the hook for getting us around, or facing taxis or getting public transport. It was just a piss take tbh, and I grew to find it extremely unattractive. Unless there's a medical reason there's really no excuse not to get your license even if you don't own a car (live in central London or whatever). I find adults who don't bother learning to drive very juvenile and short-sighted. I started to realise how much it gave me the ick that my partner wouldn't even be able to get me to hospital in labour or drive us and the baby home. Really just solidified the fact I wouldn't consider dating anyone again unless they had a car.

My best friend is a non driver and she never scabs lifts or anything though. She often declines them and prefers to get herself around on the bike. Always very grateful for a lift but very rarely accepts even though I offer a lot! She's the rarity though in my experience. Majority of non drivers only cope because they rely on drivers.

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:00

my Salary is 3 times higher than the OP’s and I don’t have a car. I live in the middle of London. Having a car and living/working in central London is madness , then I’m single and have no kids. Does that make me “undatable”? I’m concerned. My ex was on benefits (universal credit) and had a car, he dumped after a couple of months because “he deserved better” (his words).

All makes sense now 🤣

(true story)

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 09:01

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:00

my Salary is 3 times higher than the OP’s and I don’t have a car. I live in the middle of London. Having a car and living/working in central London is madness , then I’m single and have no kids. Does that make me “undatable”? I’m concerned. My ex was on benefits (universal credit) and had a car, he dumped after a couple of months because “he deserved better” (his words).

All makes sense now 🤣

(true story)

But do you have a license?

There are some places where it makes sense not to run a car, but not getting your license is a bit short-sighted as you never know when you might need to move somewhere without such good public transport, help a friend with a moving van, drive somewhere for work, etc.

Original poster

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:01

So I'm not looking for a serious relationship, marriage or dc. I'm happy with fun, I just have a feeling he'd be trying to move in with me in about 6 months and I have zero intention of living with someone again!

I remember something else, we were drunk the first time dtd and he asked for oral. I said no, a while later he was stood up, I was led down with my eyes shut and he flopped it in my mouth!! So actually don't think he's that nice of a guy. Not sure why I saw him and slept with him a second time after that! I don't like pushy men.

Also I may have huge double standards but that's okay for me. I'm sorry if you haven't been treated and spoiled a bit when dating but it's fairly standard!

OP posts:

GuinnessBird · 05/07/2023 09:09

The more you post the more awful you sound.

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:11

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 09:01

But do you have a license?

There are some places where it makes sense not to run a car, but not getting your license is a bit short-sighted as you never know when you might need to move somewhere without such good public transport, help a friend with a moving van, drive somewhere for work, etc.

Show quote history

I'm a foreigner, I have a driving license from my own country (EU) but I believe I would need to 'switch' to a British one (as I'm a permanent resident in the UK). I haven't done that yet because A) I'm too busy with work and B) I walk everywhere or get public transport. I don't miss driving one bit truth is.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 05/07/2023 09:13

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:07

My exh easily made 2k a week with his trade.

My boyfriend before made 1k a week standard plus money on materials.

Lorry drivers make 65k year plus so thats over 3k a month. Train drivers are on 80. Engineers 65k a year.

I don't think most men are on less then 2k a month!

I think you should let him go and find a decent person who deserves him in all honesty. Not everybody bases their love lives on a man's wage ffs. You sound entitled and snobbish.

Frogmila · 05/07/2023 09:15

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 09:01

So I'm not looking for a serious relationship, marriage or dc. I'm happy with fun, I just have a feeling he'd be trying to move in with me in about 6 months and I have zero intention of living with someone again!

I remember something else, we were drunk the first time dtd and he asked for oral. I said no, a while later he was stood up, I was led down with my eyes shut and he flopped it in my mouth!! So actually don't think he's that nice of a guy. Not sure why I saw him and slept with him a second time after that! I don't like pushy men.

Also I may have huge double standards but that's okay for me. I'm sorry if you haven't been treated and spoiled a bit when dating but it's fairly standard!

Then no, he's not a nice guy at all, is he? He put his penis in your mouth after you said 'no'. I think that's a lot more important when deciding whether to see a man again than how much he earns or what mode of transport he uses.

BackAgainstWall · 05/07/2023 09:19

If it doesn’t feel right it’s not right, and you shouldn’t have to try and convince yourself.

Personally, if I was you, I would set my sights higher.

I also know if it was me, I would also be comparing him to my more successful ex’s.

That sounds awful and it’s not all about money, but simple important things like still living in a house share and not even being arsed about learning to drive.

He sounds quite narrow and limited.

I’m really not saying he’s not good enough for someone (we all have our strengths and weaknesses) but he doesn’t sound right for you.

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 09:19

@CattyCattle I remember something else, we were drunk the first time dtd and he asked for oral. I said no, a while later he was stood up, I was led down with my eyes shut and he flopped it in my mouth!! So actually don't think he's that nice of a guy. Not sure why I saw him and slept with him a second time after that! I don't like pushy men.

Are you for real?

😳

You need to learn boundaries before you continue dating other people and raise the bar waaaay higher with men.