Page 10 | To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

CattyCattle · 2023-07-04T13:35:07+00:00

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun. On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good! But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long! He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

Prelapsarianhag · 05/07/2023 13:27

OP, you are right to have high standards - so many posters have such a low bar.

QueenBitch666 · 05/07/2023 13:43

Porn addled scrote
Can't drive
I'd run a mile

Lili132 · 05/07/2023 14:00

myNewName21 · 05/07/2023 07:23

As for the rest of it, salary and driving ability have no bearing on someone's character. I always find it funny that MN (rightly) demands that men break traditional gender roles when it comes to housework but insists on them when it comes to earning money and driving. But none of this matters, you don't fancy him

100% this ^^, the income etc doesn’t matter if you don’t fancy him ( but there are probably some people who find him more attractive if he earned £240k rather than £24k, ), the comment about gender roles is very true, men are still expected to bring their traditional values to the table, and then clear the table & do the washing up and put the kids to bed, not really sure what some women are offering these days ?,

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The difference is that women often leave their careers or reduce their hours after having children. Women's jobs are also poorly paid unless you have an education etc.
If both people are working then they both should share housework as the person who earns less does the same hours and works just as hard and they also deserve to rest.

In most households where woman works less outside the house they do more housework and I've never seen anywhere anybody saying it's unfair.

Nobody has to follow your logic, your ideas and your rules when it comes to something so personal and important as choosing a life partner!

People are allowed to have their own standards, own preferences and own dynamics and it's nobody's business except partners involved.

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 14:04

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 12:36

They should.

Better to think carefully at the start about whether the lifestyle you desire is possible with the income/ambitions/education of the guy you're seeing than end up stuck with three kids you barely see cos you're working your arse off while worrying about money and food cos their dad has no desire to ever get above minimum wage.

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Or you can find yourself as a stay at home mum in a nice mansion married to some arse-ole who makes lots of money and cheats on you and feeling too trapped to get out of the situation. Every day we get two or three threads on MN with this theme, women marrying/partnering for money then regretting it.

Money doesn't always equal happiness.

GCalltheway · 05/07/2023 14:10

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 14:04

Or you can find yourself as a stay at home mum in a nice mansion married to some arse-ole who makes lots of money and cheats on you and feeling too trapped to get out of the situation. Every day we get two or three threads on MN with this theme, women marrying/partnering for money then regretting it.

Money doesn't always equal happiness.

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To be fair there are plenty of deadbeat dps on here that cheat as well. At least with a rich cheat you can divorce and enjoy a comfortable well funded lifestyle without them. Not a downside for most.

Hehasasecretfriend · 05/07/2023 14:13

For pity's sake, you need to like / lust after them AND have similar attitudes to life otherwise you will end up compromising on your lifestyle too much.

whumpthereitis · 05/07/2023 14:30

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 14:04

Or you can find yourself as a stay at home mum in a nice mansion married to some arse-ole who makes lots of money and cheats on you and feeling too trapped to get out of the situation. Every day we get two or three threads on MN with this theme, women marrying/partnering for money then regretting it.

Money doesn't always equal happiness.

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Lack of it can make you very miserable indeed. That cliche overlooks the fact that one of the biggest causes of marital breakdown is finances, which just by itself is also one of the biggest causes of stress and anxiety. Some may like to think that money is unimportant, but that doesn’t mean that it actually is.

You can also find yourself getting cheated on, and divorced by, an absolute deadbeat.

It is entirely possible and reasonable to look for, and have, both love and financial security without having to compromise one for the sake of the other.

Original poster

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 14:56

I'm not trying to bag a millionaire. I just want a man who can afford to maintain himself, housing, driving and buy me a few drinks and bunches of flowers in the dating stage.. and then be able to afford a couple of holidays a year to far flung places or spain, I'm happy with spain, maybe a couple of uk mini breaks too. I can afford to do that, I can't afford to pay for someone else to do it too.

I am glad I've dumped him. I do feel bad but also I'm quite codependent so really really don't need a project!

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pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 15:17

If you recognise that you are co dependent then even more well done @CattyCattle ! There's nothing a co dependent personality loves more than a project 😁. You've probably fought against every instinct to just carry on with him. There is someone out there for you, dont settle.

myNewName21 · 05/07/2023 15:27

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 14:56

I'm not trying to bag a millionaire. I just want a man who can afford to maintain himself, housing, driving and buy me a few drinks and bunches of flowers in the dating stage.. and then be able to afford a couple of holidays a year to far flung places or spain, I'm happy with spain, maybe a couple of uk mini breaks too. I can afford to do that, I can't afford to pay for someone else to do it too.

I am glad I've dumped him. I do feel bad but also I'm quite codependent so really really don't need a project!

Can you afford to pay for 50% of these far flung trips ?

Original poster

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 15:27

Thank you Pills I really did! You can see how I've started the thread trying to be talked into it and finished it by dumping him after recognising it's not good. Very proud of myself, even with all the dreadful personal comments towards me.

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Original poster

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 15:31

Yes newname I can! Like I said in my post I can't afford to pay for someone else, I can afford to pay for my own holidays. It's no different then saying I dont want to be with someone who doesn't like holidays. I am allowed to not be with someone if I don't want to. Not sure why but it feels like some posters want me to be with someone who doesn't share the same wants out of life.

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pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/07/2023 15:36

Yes @CattyCattle though dont judge those posters too much. They have their own reasons for going after you and none of them will be good will they? People can come on here and take out all of their frustrations, women who want more seem to push their buttons. It's sad more than anything, pity them.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 05/07/2023 15:52

Sandra1984 · 05/07/2023 14:04

Or you can find yourself as a stay at home mum in a nice mansion married to some arse-ole who makes lots of money and cheats on you and feeling too trapped to get out of the situation. Every day we get two or three threads on MN with this theme, women marrying/partnering for money then regretting it.

Money doesn't always equal happiness.

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No thanks. I'd never give up my career/earning potential, ever.

I think it's a bit disingenuous to think considering finances and marrying for money means finding a millionaire in a mansion tbh. I wasn't bothered about riches, just someone who could match me financially. DH and I are on about 100k together which is nothing compared to what most people on MN say they earn but it does mean very little financial stress which is what I was after.

TragicMuse · 05/07/2023 15:54

You can split up for any reason or no reason - FWIW, a boyfriend once told me he'd never be in love with me because I walked 'wrong'!

I don't know why so many people are so desperate for you to stick with someone that isn't right for you. Other people can 'settle', there's no need for you to...

whumpthereitis · 05/07/2023 15:59

CattyCattle · 05/07/2023 15:31

Yes newname I can! Like I said in my post I can't afford to pay for someone else, I can afford to pay for my own holidays. It's no different then saying I dont want to be with someone who doesn't like holidays. I am allowed to not be with someone if I don't want to. Not sure why but it feels like some posters want me to be with someone who doesn't share the same wants out of life.

Congratulations on jettisoning him OP! Don’t be swayed into compromising your standards going forwards. You know what you want, from life and in a partner, and that isn’t something you have to justify or apologize for.

BCBird · 05/07/2023 16:17

Why shouldn't you go 50/50? In order of importance for me thst woukd put me off: death grip. Not driving would be an inconvenience.

WolfFoxHare · 05/07/2023 16:34

Personally my mother told me never to be reliant on a man for money.

I don't think anyone would be criticizing the OP if she'd said "He's not great in bed, watches too much porn, and sometimes violates my boundaries in bed" or "He's really immature and seems to be lacking in ambition and drive". It's the emphasis on what he earns and how "a man should earn more" and how "other men she's dated earned more" and how "she shouldn't have to pay 50/50 on dates" that have antagonized people. As OP isn't a high earner herself but seems unwilling to pay her own way, she obviously isn't going to come across particularly well, even if the guy she's dating also doesn't seem much of a prize.

GCalltheway · 05/07/2023 17:39

WolfFoxHare · 05/07/2023 16:34

Personally my mother told me never to be reliant on a man for money.

I don't think anyone would be criticizing the OP if she'd said "He's not great in bed, watches too much porn, and sometimes violates my boundaries in bed" or "He's really immature and seems to be lacking in ambition and drive". It's the emphasis on what he earns and how "a man should earn more" and how "other men she's dated earned more" and how "she shouldn't have to pay 50/50 on dates" that have antagonized people. As OP isn't a high earner herself but seems unwilling to pay her own way, she obviously isn't going to come across particularly well, even if the guy she's dating also doesn't seem much of a prize.

Hopefully your mother also reminded you not to hook up with a deadbeat and waste your life and energy.

It is all well and good earning your ‘own money’ not so cool If you get saddled with a freeloading leech that sucks you dry!

herhm · 05/07/2023 18:58

I was recently in a similar situation. I'm not a high earner but I'm secure financially, own my house outright, car and have a reasonable standard of living. The guy I was dating lived a very basic life, very low income with nothing spare at the end of the month. Which in itself isn't a problem. He was happy. For me the turning off was the fact he had no ambition or drive to earn more or have a better job. But he was happy with what he had so that is fine. However it wasn't for me. I want to be able to go out, go to the cinema, or the theatre or last minute weekend breaks and that was never going to be possible. I tried to imagine a life where rationing putting lights on was ok but it just wasn't for me.

WolfFoxHare · 05/07/2023 20:17

GCalltheway · 05/07/2023 17:39

Hopefully your mother also reminded you not to hook up with a deadbeat and waste your life and energy.

It is all well and good earning your ‘own money’ not so cool If you get saddled with a freeloading leech that sucks you dry!

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Well yes. What about my post made you think I believe she should stay with him? Was it the bit where I described him as a sex pest who was lacking in ambition? Or the bit where I said he was no prize?

myNewName21 · 06/07/2023 07:34

WolfFoxHare · 05/07/2023 16:34

Personally my mother told me never to be reliant on a man for money.

I don't think anyone would be criticizing the OP if she'd said "He's not great in bed, watches too much porn, and sometimes violates my boundaries in bed" or "He's really immature and seems to be lacking in ambition and drive". It's the emphasis on what he earns and how "a man should earn more" and how "other men she's dated earned more" and how "she shouldn't have to pay 50/50 on dates" that have antagonized people. As OP isn't a high earner herself but seems unwilling to pay her own way, she obviously isn't going to come across particularly well, even if the guy she's dating also doesn't seem much of a prize.

Absolutely this ^^ , the OP seems obsessed by money & income and which professions earn £60k, the fact that the OP was dating someone who earns about 24k rather then 60k might suggest that the OP is really much of a catch either

Original poster

CattyCattle · 06/07/2023 10:16

Yey the nasty posts are back!

Unfortunately I can't respond as I'd like to as I'll get told off for breaking the talk guidelines again.

Maybe have a word with yourself on why you are obsessed with coming back to this thread and continuing to make nasty posts! What are you gaining out of it? Do you like creating things to put others down? What is your problem? Are you this angry in real life? It must be quite rubbish to feel the way you do! Stop creating scenarios of me!

Herhm, well done, rationing lights sounds awful!

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Hehasasecretfriend · 06/07/2023 11:24

I fully agree with you OP.

I don't know why people think you shouldn't force yourself to assess a potential match with how compatible your lifestyles are as while not the only consideration a definite priority.

Compare deciding on a career with deciding on a partner. I would suggest a similar process.

Career: what would I enjoy doing. Boyfriend: do I like his company

C: am I passionate about it?
B: do I really fancy him

C: will it pay me enough to live the life I want?
B: will his financial situation (earnings and how he behaves with money) curtail mine?

C: will it allow me the freedom or opportunity for experiences I want in my life?
B: do his interests or commitments allow for this

Basically, is he compatible with you and what you want.

You don't need to justify anything about what you want from life.

The posters taking it personally or just pathetic.

Original poster

CattyCattle · 06/07/2023 12:29

HeHas thank you. I think I may have touched a nerve either with men who cocklodge or women who have cocklodgers and can't face up to it. I like the assessment list.

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