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Original poster

To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

260 replies

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 14:35

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun.

On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good!

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

OP posts:
Cotton55 · 04/07/2023 17:57

Don't settle just for the sake of having a bf.

dottiedodah · 04/07/2023 18:02

He is not really doing it for you is he? I think you know this too.Your friends are pushing you to make do with this chap.Not the answer! I would break up now.Some women dont mind Non drivers but this would put me off Im afraid.Let alone the sex thing and the fact he seems unambitious and lives in a house share in his 30s!

bookwormcrazy · 04/07/2023 18:04

Death grip is a new one on me, so thanks for Cheering up my day! 😂

I think all the things that you have described as putting you off are really distracting from the main issue! There is something not quite right that doesn't give you the butterflies and the "I'm totally into you" feeling. I bet - if you had that "feeling", the salary and not driving wouldn't matter because you really liked him. Instead, because it's not a complete attraction you are picking up on all the things that could be reasons when in actual fact the only real reason is that he doesn't give you the butterflies and the attraction and lust isn't really there! You can't talk yourself into liking someone because they are really nice! You need to have that initial chemistry that overrules everything.

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 18:08

I'm not debating a lorry drivers wages. I didn't put 40k in. There were jobs in that list for 50 and 60k plus. This guy isn't a lorry driver anyway. Pretty sure my school mate who's a train driver is on 80k. Maybe it goes up the longer you have worked so people in my age range that have staryed careers in their twenties are now earning more in their thirties.

With the rough sex. I did say it was hurting a couple of times and then after a bit he'd do the same again! So different to my exh who would have known by my face or reaction and immediately stopped. It came across porny and inexperienced and I think with more communication he would have got what I liked. I did enjoy having sex with him but not him iyswim. It was having sex rather than who I was having it with.

I am going to let him down gently and tell him I don't want to see him anymore. I don't think me not looking at him was down to shyness. I think it's that I didn't fancy him enough. I have been reading baggage reclaim and it says about not falling for the highs and almost addiction type of relationships - and I tend to get into those types. I was hoping for more steady but you still have to fancy them right!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 04/07/2023 18:15

Always4Brenner · 04/07/2023 14:40

No butterflies don’t go there plus the sex going on too long unless he’s giving you pleasure forget it. You’ll end up sore and bored.

This. If there's no butterflies at the beginning he's not for you.

YellowTiger · 04/07/2023 18:15

Your obsession with how much he's earning makes you come across as very superficial, if I'm being completely honest...

Just under £2k a month is considered a good wage by lots of people. The average UK salary is not much higher than that.

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 18:16

What if your butterflies always lead you to the wrong type of men. Am I just doomed to be either single or lusting after shit men 😭🤡

OP posts:
CreamTeaDelight · 04/07/2023 18:18

No butterflies = no passion, no connection.

Walk away.

Take it from someone who didn’t as he was a ‘nice guy’ and spent 23 years missing something. I ended up with someone else in the end who took me to heaven and back. I’d experienced passion and butterflies (still do) for the first time in my life. I regret marrying someone who didn’t make me feel like that. We were friends. That’s all.

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 18:24

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:00

I woke up at his this morning and couldn't put my clothes on and get out the door fast enough! And usually I'm a cuddly person.

My friends are saying to go with it and see what happens and that the butterflies aren't there because he's a nice guy and I don't feel anxious about whether he will text me back or not.

It's really not about the money. You're actually just not into him. Drop it.

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 18:26

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:07

My exh easily made 2k a week with his trade.

My boyfriend before made 1k a week standard plus money on materials.

Lorry drivers make 65k year plus so thats over 3k a month. Train drivers are on 80. Engineers 65k a year.

I don't think most men are on less then 2k a month!

You're entirely wrong about these figures I'm afraid. Methinks some men in your past have been telling you big porkies!

Original poster
CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 18:33

I suppose it must depend where in the country you live. I helped my exh and the bf before that with their businesses and know how much they earned as I did quotes, invoices and general paperwork.

National rail engineers are definitely on 65K.

Anyway, it wasn't a thread about average wages. It was more that he earns a bit less then 2k a month and to me that's not standard. And, it wasn't really about the money. I had a list of reasons when actually it was that I am not that into him.

OP posts:
myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 18:42

SadKendall · 04/07/2023 15:33

You've never paid 50/50?!

Sounds like you're the red flag 🚩

This with bells 🔔 on, he is the one who should the running, away from a princess who couldn’t possibly date someone who earns a bit less than her.

SapphOhNo · 04/07/2023 18:46

It sounds like you should get rid, but so should he. You sound shallow and awful OP.

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 18:46

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 04/07/2023 15:50

Dump him today!

If you don’t have butterflies now it’s wrong for you.
I don’t think a man should ask for 50/50 while dating.
Keep your standards.
Death grip sounds disgusting!

I don’t think a man should ask for 50/50 while dating.

why ? , do you not have your own money? ,

I always thought in dating you were supposed to show the best version of yourself, all your showing is that you expect a free ride in life

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 18:52

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 18:33

I suppose it must depend where in the country you live. I helped my exh and the bf before that with their businesses and know how much they earned as I did quotes, invoices and general paperwork.

National rail engineers are definitely on 65K.

Anyway, it wasn't a thread about average wages. It was more that he earns a bit less then 2k a month and to me that's not standard. And, it wasn't really about the money. I had a list of reasons when actually it was that I am not that into him.

So why is a 24k wage not standard, if you only earn about about 30k or so?

why are you not on a 60k salary?

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 18:59

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 17:15

On one hand some posters are saying it's me, he sounds nice etc, the other say grim and get rid! So I'm still not sure on whether he's a nice guy and it's my own shit in the way of me being able to properly fancy him!

I just googled hgv lorry driver wages. My step dad is on 65k, most jobs were between 40 and 55k. I think it's more if you do agency. uk.indeed.com/q-hgv-driver-%C2%A340%2C000-jobs.html

The average wage of a lorry driver is £34k , I think you are being absurd by looking at job ads and thinking that most people in that category are going to walk into £60k role,

https://uk.indeed.com/career-advice/pay-salary/how-much-does-lorry-driver-make

SorryButThatsAFact · 04/07/2023 19:00

This reply has been deleted

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YellowTiger · 04/07/2023 19:03

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 18:33

I suppose it must depend where in the country you live. I helped my exh and the bf before that with their businesses and know how much they earned as I did quotes, invoices and general paperwork.

National rail engineers are definitely on 65K.

Anyway, it wasn't a thread about average wages. It was more that he earns a bit less then 2k a month and to me that's not standard. And, it wasn't really about the money. I had a list of reasons when actually it was that I am not that into him.

"Really wasn't about the money"? Then why mention it in the topic title, or in your post at all? 😆

Jesus wept...but yeah, you're probably better off ending things with him. Quite clearly you're wasting his time as well, and you'd be better of spending your time at motorway services or train stations trying to catch the eye of one of all these loaded lorry or train drivers you think exist...

Missingmyusername · 04/07/2023 19:04

CattyCattle · 04/07/2023 15:07

My exh easily made 2k a week with his trade.

My boyfriend before made 1k a week standard plus money on materials.

Lorry drivers make 65k year plus so thats over 3k a month. Train drivers are on 80. Engineers 65k a year.

I don't think most men are on less then 2k a month!

That makes you sound awful! ^

“He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun. “ That wouldn’t be my cup of tea- not unless you’re both very young.

myNewName21 · 04/07/2023 19:07

Cotton55 · 04/07/2023 17:56

There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who has the same outlook as yourself. I don't think it necessarily means youre materialistic.
However, i think at this stage into a relationship, you should love spending time with him and not be trying to get away as fast as you can!! Surely you can see that means he isn't for you?!!

However, so many other things would turn me off him tbh. The wanking thing is vile. Way too much porn i reckon. Also being in his mid 30's and still sharing a house would put me off. And I can't understand any grown adult who would choose not to learn to drive. Even if they live in an area with fantastic public transport, there's no excuse for that. It's a life skill imo.

Show quote history

And I can't understand any grown adult who would choose not to learn to drive. Even if they live in an area with fantastic public transport, there's no excuse for that. It's a life skill imo.

this probably the most stupid comment I’ve read on the internet today, loads of people who live in London don’t drive and don’t need to drive due to decent public transportation, what an unbelievable comment

TheLifeofMe · 04/07/2023 19:09

I think the driving thing and earnings are irrelevant but if you do not get butterflies and are asking on this forum, then you have answered your own questions. Move on!

sammylady37 · 04/07/2023 19:19

But, yes you are materialistic. What if the men you want to date, who earn more that you, think the same about you? What if men thought that about women in general? By this standard you should be looking for a man who earns £2650 per month, not someone who earns 4-8k per month: why would these high-earning men want to subsidise you? You already say you don't pay your own way (never gone 50/50 before). And you think he is costing you because you have to pay your own way - you aren't even paying for him, just doing your own minimum 50%. How is paying for yourself costing you? Bonkers IMO

I agree with this. I laughed out load at the op saying it’s costing her, when what’s actually happening is that for the first time she’s actually paying her way. The grabbiness is awful.

Spin66 · 04/07/2023 19:28

OP, I know that you weren’t debating the average wage, but if I where to use your logic that most people earn a much higher wage (take out the gender inequality issue) then I would suggest that yours is comparatively low.

Or are you just suggesting that it is men that should have a higher wage?

As for the rest of it, you’ve clearly got the ick, so probably best to call it a day.

SayHi · 04/07/2023 19:30

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

How do you even know this? Lol

Sounds more like you are used to men finishing fast.

Most people are not on £48k a year.
So you want a high earner, not an average earner.

It is ok to want this but you’re restricting your options a lot which I find sad.

I also find it odd because you don’t earn that much more than him and you’re saying he doesn’t earn enough.

You don’t like him.
Stop finding excuses, dump him and move on.

Naimee87 · 04/07/2023 19:35

Ewwwwww run for the hills!!!!!! You deserve way waay waaay better!!