To keep dating him or not? Doesn't drive or earn very much

[CattyCattle]

I've recently started dating a man who doesn't drive and takes home just under 2k a month. He lives in a house share, spends his money on socialising and fun.

On paper he's my cup of tea apart from the above. We bounce off each other really good!

But he also has death grip from wanking so much. Sex is good but goes on for a long time, too long!

He seems like a really nice guy and I'm worried I'm being a bit too choosy. I do like him but I don't have butterflies. I wonder if I'm finding things not to like that I wouldn't care about if I had those butterflies.

Op why are you this desperate! Of course he is keen you are a good catch….. him however not so much. A poor earner with no prospects and a death grip doesn’t scream husband material to me 🤢

You can’t work out why op? I expect you want more for your life!! Certainly a man that can mange to give you a decent and fulfilling love life; that is a competent and capable adult that can cope with adulting and doesn’t spend his wages partying. On every level he sounds grim, gross and unattractive.

Toss him back in the sea, make a list of your absolute requirements and don’t stray from that!

Lorry drivers are not all on £65k LOL

Anyway, assuming this post is genuine (big assumption), how old is he?

Poor bloke, not like the OP is swimming in cash either. I would understand if she made 3 times more, had a pretty lavish life and he had trouble adapting to pricey hobbies, restaurants and trips but not the case. I believe the issue here is not money but the lack of “butterflies in the belly”. That death grip is also not good. I won’t judge the OP as she may be looking to marry and have kids so I understand a high earner would be more suitable.

Missing the point of the post but I think I might become a lorry driver

I'm sure many of us would! Sadly the actual average salary for a lorry driver is around £30k. You have to be in a specialist role, with a lot of experience and pulling in a lot of unsociable hours to get anywhere near the sums OP is quoting, very few actually make that much.

I mean do we really think we'd have a shortage of lorry drivers if they were all pulling in £65k....

You don’t sound very keen at all op

The death grip has prob killed it

The driving thing would really bother me. Never date a man who can’t drive, ride a bike or swim.

He's not the one for you so don't waste any more time. He's turning you off and you're trying to pin it down to practical reasons but truth is, you're just not a match. The 'why' isn't that important. I too would be put off by a man who did not have his own space, even somewhere humble.

Then go and find a tradie. He sounds like a nice man - let him find someone who appreciates him.

Sounds like you're not compatible and should dump.

But, yes you are materialistic. What if the men you want to date, who earn more that you, think the same about you? What if men thought that about women in general? By this standard you should be looking for a man who earns £2650 per month, not someone who earns 4-8k per month: why would these high-earning men want to subsidise you? You already say you don't pay your own way (never gone 50/50 before). And you think he is costing you because you have to pay your own way - you aren't even paying for him, just doing your own minimum 50%. How is paying for yourself costing you? Bonkers IMO.

600-700 a month more than him.

I'm always amazed how quickly people find out how much other people earn. @CattyCattle he clearly doesn't earn enough for you.

On one hand some posters are saying it's me, he sounds nice etc, the other say grim and get rid! So I'm still not sure on whether he's a nice guy and it's my own shit in the way of me being able to properly fancy him!

I just googled hgv lorry driver wages. My step dad is on 65k, most jobs were between 40 and 55k. I think it's more if you do agency. uk.indeed.com/q-hgv-driver-%C2%A340%2C000-jobs.html

The not driving alone would put me off.
His wages seem normal to me.

The house share is a bit rubbish but houses are expensive and circumstances could mean he just couldn't get his own home after split with ex
He sounds nice but not for you. If you aren't feeling it then end it. You'll get the ick big time

I only read half of your thread title ("To keep dating him or not?") before muttering to myself, 'If you have to ask, the answer is almost certainly "no".' And surprise, surprise, it's still a 'no' from me.

You've gone all round the houses looking for a reason that will allow you to end it, and personally the death grip would be enough for me, with or without "he's a bit rough in bed. Not terribly so, but yes you can tell he's watched a lot of porn."<boak>

You know you don't need a 'reason' right? Hmm, I'm not sure you do know this. Or maybe you know, but still don't feel allowed? You feel you need to have something to tell him that he will accept, (and your mates, who "are saying to go with it and see what happens"), when really - you don't. He's not floating your boat, and that is more than enough reason.

@CattyCattle you set the minimum to £40k and most of those are specialist as I stated, I would bet lots of them are shit conditions like tramping. As I say, the average is half what you're claiming, otherwise we wouldn't be struggle to recruit for them.

Maybe you should date your step dad?

Lorry drivers a year or so ago when they were really struggling to recruit were being offered 40kish. Not 65, but I suppose if they were doing lots of overtime….. Train drivers are on about 60-65 basic. Most engineers are not earning 65, yes some are and some are on more. 36k a year (which 2k take home would be) is above average, and a lot more than some earn.

well, it was interesting to see the order in which you listed his faults :-)

Sex problem would be the end of him for me.

I agree, His wage and lack of driving ability arent really a problem, but not having butterflies? Yeah, it wouldnt work

Because then youre always going to be looking out for the bad things and theyll become too much.

Unwelcome rough sex???????? What are you THINKING? Either he knows you don' like it rough and does it anyway; or he's so totally insensitive he hasn't noticed your response . Not hall marks of a "nice" man.

The salary might put me off a bit, I earn a lot more but I wouldn’t automatically rule it out. The fact you don’t have butterfly’s says all you need to know. The guy I’ve fancied the most in my years of dating and relationships was on benefits and I know through a mutual friend still is over 24yrs later. I knew he wouldn’t ever make anything of his life, but I only had to look at him and I’d be under his spell. I still think of him with a smile. Someone could be on 200k but not do it for me like he did. I guess it depends what you’re looking for. My kids are grown up, I don’t need someone to pay for dinner for me, though it’s nice of course. I am not looking for a father for my kids. We all have preferences but don’t rule people out based on income alone.

I guess it depends if OP is vocalising she’s not keen on this rough sex. If she is, then definitely get out of there. If she’s going along with it and he thinks she’s enjoying it then that’s different. But no-one should be doing that, if you don’t want someone doing something tell them straight away, or at the very least ask them after not to repeat it

There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who has the same outlook as yourself. I don't think it necessarily means youre materialistic.
However, i think at this stage into a relationship, you should love spending time with him and not be trying to get away as fast as you can!! Surely you can see that means he isn't for you?!!

However, so many other things would turn me off him tbh. The wanking thing is vile. Way too much porn i reckon. Also being in his mid 30's and still sharing a house would put me off. And I can't understand any grown adult who would choose not to learn to drive. Even if they live in an area with fantastic public transport, there's no excuse for that. It's a life skill imo.