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Original poster

Past drugs and casual sex

176 replies

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

OP posts:
duvetday9 · 03/07/2023 19:48

Grow up

IWasFunBeforeMum · 03/07/2023 19:50

It's in her past not now

Fuckthatguy · 03/07/2023 19:53

Get help

Dacadactyl · 03/07/2023 19:54

Surely by the time you've reached your mid 40s, in a professional career and have been with someone for 2 years, you are equipped to deal with this?

If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. Nothing more to it.

ProfessorXtra · 03/07/2023 19:57

No one said casual sex had to be for you.

It has been ‘for’ your girlfriend in the past. What’s the issue? And unless you think she is doing drugs now, what’s the issue?

BlondeFool · 03/07/2023 19:58

Bloody hell. It's her PAST

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2023 20:00

duvetday9 · 03/07/2023 19:48

Grow up

First response nailed it.

Be a better person.

Onelifeonly · 03/07/2023 20:00

So you're judging her for her past? People mature and change over time. I'm sure many people did things when young that they would never do in their 40s or older. Or are you worried she still does these things?

Plunkplink · 03/07/2023 20:02

Leave her so she can find someone better

WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 20:04

She used to smoke weed and you're conflating that with someone dying of an overdose? You know nobody has ever died from smoking weed, right?
as for the casual sex - just grow up.

MermaidEyes · 03/07/2023 20:05

Dump her. You'll be doing her a favour.

MissChanandlerB0NG · 03/07/2023 20:18

She didn't even have to tell you really. It's nothing to fret over.

Cosycover · 03/07/2023 20:25

So when she was young she did drugs and had casual sex? But doesn't now she has grown up.

So interesting. I wonder who will play her in the movie that will be made about these exciting times.

Cottoncandysticks · 03/07/2023 20:33

Gosh. Virtually everyone I know slept around and dabbled with drugs. We’re all perfectly boring and normal 40 somethings now. Where did you grow up? With the Amish?

Fuckthatguy · 03/07/2023 20:34

I usually find men like this have outrageous double standards.

Like a PP said, leave her, you’d be doing her a favour.

AMuser · 03/07/2023 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ladykale · 03/07/2023 20:37

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

I disagree with other posters.

Her past actions are indicative of her principles and values.

I wouldn't marry a man whose past included lots of casual sex or drugs, as it isn't a lifestyle that appealed to me and didn't reflect my personal values or ambition.

Particularly if she laughs at it as one big joke, will she have the same attitude when her daughter does the same? I think that's the part to discuss personally, as she may just have different values to you

GreyCarpet · 03/07/2023 20:41

I don't think it's a reflection on her as a person but if you're not comfortable with it you can end it for any reason.

You don't owe her a relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2023 20:46

Dump the drug-addled, wanton slag before she tarnishes your purity. Thank god you found this all out before it was too late.

🙄

Fuckthatguy · 03/07/2023 20:47

What @GreyCarpet said, it’s your judgmental attitude which isn’t going down well OP.

@ladykale thats ridiculous. I also disagree with drug taking but wouldn’t write someone off just because they experimented in their 20s.

I’m sure we’d be hard pressed to find anyone who hadn’t changed their mindset between 20 and 40 or even pre and post childbirth.

Fuckthatguy · 03/07/2023 20:48

@Aquamarine1029 well yes , that too 😉

MumGMT · 03/07/2023 21:02

ladykale · 03/07/2023 20:37

I disagree with other posters.

Her past actions are indicative of her principles and values.

I wouldn't marry a man whose past included lots of casual sex or drugs, as it isn't a lifestyle that appealed to me and didn't reflect my personal values or ambition.

Particularly if she laughs at it as one big joke, will she have the same attitude when her daughter does the same? I think that's the part to discuss personally, as she may just have different values to you

Show quote history

Eh no, her past actions are more indicative of her past principles and values, and even then you're only getting a glimpse and a lot of your assumptions might not be correct.

I am very anti-drugs but wouldn't care if someone had done them in the past, as long as he wasn't a recovering addict or something like that as I wouldn't be in a relationship with an addict or recovering addict. Not because of judgement, but because my ex had alcohol issues and later he had drug issues, so it would be extremely triggering for me.

There are many who wouldn't want to date or marry a judgemental person as it suggests a lack of maturity and emotional intelligence to judge others so harshly on their past. Understandable if someone was perhaps a people trafficker or something in their past, but judgement over things that a huge amount of people do ie. drugs and casual sex, and then grow out of as they mature says far more about you than it does about them.

Marineboy67 · 03/07/2023 21:19

Everyone has a past however colourful or bland. I probably lost a year or two on weed. But surely its who she is today and you shouldn't let her past define her. If you want to be with her it's her tomorrow's you should focus on not her yesterday's. If you can't get past what she's told you then end it quickly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2023 21:32

Particularly if she laughs at it as one big joke, will she have the same attitude when her daughter does the same? I think that's the part to discuss personally, as she may just have different values to you

Laughing with her partner, not with her child. We ALL do things as adults that we don't model to our children. Run across a road, drink a bit too much, eat crap. Doesn't mean we will encourage our children to do it.

Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:23

duvetday9 · 03/07/2023 19:48

Grow up

So you're happy to buy a product that's been produced by means of county lines exploitation of children? Great life choice

OP posts: