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Original poster

Past drugs and casual sex

176 replies

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:26

WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 20:04

She used to smoke weed and you're conflating that with someone dying of an overdose? You know nobody has ever died from smoking weed, right?
as for the casual sex - just grow up.

No it's exploitation and misery of others to produce and deliver drugs. If you're happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:28

Fuckthatguy · 03/07/2023 20:34

I usually find men like this have outrageous double standards.

Like a PP said, leave her, you’d be doing her a favour.

No double standards
I don't do drugs
Why so defensive?

OP posts:
ladykale · 03/07/2023 23:30

Typical middle class view that drug taking is victimless and is a bit of a laugh when young.

OP is perfectly entitled to have whichever principles he wants about whatever he wants.

It would only be hypocritical or problematic if he thought it was fine for him to do but a problem if she did, which isn't the case...

I know LOTS of people who didn't take drugs when young. If everyone does, then why is it illegal, why do dealers go to jail for 30 years & why does it cause so much misery and have so many links to trafficking and exploitation

Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I guess you did both and don't like being challenged for supporting crime and exploitation ref drugs

OP posts:
Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:33

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2023 20:46

Dump the drug-addled, wanton slag before she tarnishes your purity. Thank god you found this all out before it was too late.

🙄

Touched a nerve?

OP posts:
Gossipxox · 03/07/2023 23:35

This is part of her past she didn’t have to tell you, if she’s not doing that type of thing now I don’t think it should be any concern. As for supporting crime and exploitation, in the grand scheme of things I doubt your partner having casual sex and smoking a spliff has contributed to that massively or even at all. People can grow cannabis from home.

Original poster
Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:36

ladykale · 03/07/2023 23:30

Typical middle class view that drug taking is victimless and is a bit of a laugh when young.

OP is perfectly entitled to have whichever principles he wants about whatever he wants.

It would only be hypocritical or problematic if he thought it was fine for him to do but a problem if she did, which isn't the case...

I know LOTS of people who didn't take drugs when young. If everyone does, then why is it illegal, why do dealers go to jail for 30 years & why does it cause so much misery and have so many links to trafficking and exploitation

Ladykale you've hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 03/07/2023 23:38

I think you have very strong feelings about drugs. I can understand that given the damage it can cause and the organised crime it funds. So it’s not that she took drugs it’s that the money for them fuelled crime and harm. Have I understood?

what’s the issue with casual sex?

If you like everything else about her I’d just tell her drugs are a deal breaker for you and you’d like her to promised not to get involved with them again. You might find she understands your perspective on this. The rest is the past. I’d leave it there.

BackAgainstWall · 03/07/2023 23:40

@Red20
I understand your thinking.

But most of us do have a past, and do you really want to lose someone special because of it.

moyomoyo · 03/07/2023 23:45

It's her past, let it go.

BrownEyesBlueSkies · 03/07/2023 23:47

You can have whatever principles you like when dating, you can dump someone for any reason you like, even something from their past. If she’s not for you, finish the relationship and move on. But maybe if she’s a great person and disagrees with drugs now, think whether her past is really more important than what you have together.

TedMullins · 03/07/2023 23:48

in many places weed is legal or decriminalised (and a significant amount of people in the UK believe it should be here too) so I think it’s legal status is a red herring. If it was legalised there wouldn’t be county lines or exploitation. Alcohol and smoking do far worse things to people than weed. As for casual sex, god forbid a woman enjoyed sex and didn’t want a relationship! What consenting adults did in the past is absolutely none of your business.

Maddy70 · 03/07/2023 23:48

Most people have dabbled and had a past life. It's in the past. Get a grip

MumGMT · 03/07/2023 23:52

Typical middle class view that drug taking is victimless and is a bit of a laugh when young.

This thread is not about whether we think it's victimless or a laugh, it's about someone who gave it up over a decade ago.

MumGMT · 03/07/2023 23:54

Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:31

I guess you did both and don't like being challenged for supporting crime and exploitation ref drugs

Show quote history

I'm not the person who you replied to but I did neither and don't think you're coming across well either.

You're being incredibly judgemental about things she did in her past.
If you no longer want to move in with her then I hope you end the relationship completely so that she can find someone more suited to her who won't give a shit about what she did in the past.

peucepetunias · 03/07/2023 23:58

OP, so have been with your girlfriend for about 2 years and these issues have only just come up?

It would appear she has misrepresented herself to you.

Only you can decide if you want to continue the relationship in the light of the new information.

Sweetsweetlike1 · 04/07/2023 00:05

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

If her past impacts or triggers you so deeply, then this is a conversation you should be having with your girlfriend not Mumsnet. We don't have the full context to make a fair judgement of her anyhow. If her teen/early 20s poor judgement can 'in your mind' overpower all of her personal/professional growth and positive actions in her 30s/40s then she doesn't really stand a chance. Why don't you find out what led her to those decisions in the first place? and equally...what led her to leave that all behind. Her past experience could even give her the insight to help guide others away/ or prevent her own children from that path. Maybe you could consider her change of direction a positive/success story rather than shackle her to a past she has clearly left behind. As humans we evolve and grow right!?

BadNomad · 04/07/2023 00:12

I couldn't get excited about the casual sex thing. It's not illegal. But I would have asked about drugs right at the start. Not wait for it to be brought up 2 years down the line. If it's that important to you why did you never ask?

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 00:35

peucepetunias · 03/07/2023 23:58

OP, so have been with your girlfriend for about 2 years and these issues have only just come up?

It would appear she has misrepresented herself to you.

Only you can decide if you want to continue the relationship in the light of the new information.

No it doesn't. If she did then she wouldn't have outed herself by joking about her past. It's more likely that the OP misrepresented himself and she didn't realise he was so judgemental.

It's far more abnormal to be so judgemental about things that are a pretty normal part of early adulthood for a large amount of the population ...so if anyone had anything to disclose it was the OP.

I hate drugs and I wouldn't be with someone who did them now, but if I was in my 40s and dating and drugs were such a dealbreaker that I couldn't consider a future with someone who did them a decade or 2 decades ago then I would ask that very early on. I wouldn't not ask and then 2 years in try to make out they misrepresented themselves 😂

Likewise with the past casual sex, if it's such a dealbreaker then make sure you have the conversations early on, because a lot of people will have done it.

Sweetsweetlike1 · 04/07/2023 00:35

peucepetunias · 03/07/2023 23:58

OP, so have been with your girlfriend for about 2 years and these issues have only just come up?

It would appear she has misrepresented herself to you.

Only you can decide if you want to continue the relationship in the light of the new information.

Maybe they both misled each other somewhat as if OP had been clear he was zero tolerance for 'past' drug use, the girlfriend probably would not of mentioned it at this point or even attempted to pursue the relationship in the first place.

beenwhereyouare · 04/07/2023 00:37

That's a lot of stones you're casting.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 00:39

I know LOTS of people who didn't take drugs when young. If everyone does, then why is it illegal, why do dealers go to jail for 30 years & why does it cause so much misery and have so many links to trafficking and exploitation

Mainly racism. Then a desire to criminalise addiction to keep an underclass of people in their place to scare the others. Also the prison industrialisation in the US. And the whole relationship of colonising powers with the colonised. Plus cocaine and heroin are cash crops in the majority world so the whole thing is shit.

The misery caused by legal drugs is vastly and hugely worse. Everything from alcohol to fentynal. Produced and marketed by the super-rich to keep people in their place.

Decriminalisation, fair trade, treat every single cash crop in the majority world more decently, from bananas to heroin. Tax the end product and fund decent treatment, MH services and properly deal with what ACTUALLY causes addiction... adverse childhood experiences including child abuse, poverty and neglect.

Or dump your GF and never think about it again.

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 00:46

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 00:35

No it doesn't. If she did then she wouldn't have outed herself by joking about her past. It's more likely that the OP misrepresented himself and she didn't realise he was so judgemental.

It's far more abnormal to be so judgemental about things that are a pretty normal part of early adulthood for a large amount of the population ...so if anyone had anything to disclose it was the OP.

I hate drugs and I wouldn't be with someone who did them now, but if I was in my 40s and dating and drugs were such a dealbreaker that I couldn't consider a future with someone who did them a decade or 2 decades ago then I would ask that very early on. I wouldn't not ask and then 2 years in try to make out they misrepresented themselves 😂

Likewise with the past casual sex, if it's such a dealbreaker then make sure you have the conversations early on, because a lot of people will have done it.

Show quote history

No it doesn't. If she did then she wouldn't have outed herself by joking about her past. It's more likely that the OP misrepresented himself and she didn't realise he was so judgemental.

Having a particular set of standards isn't 'judgemental'.

It's far more abnormal to be so judgemental about things that are a pretty normal part of early adulthood for a large amount of the population ...so if anyone had anything to disclose it was the OP.

Well, you must come from a different world than me because I don't see that drugs and casual sex are a 'normal' part of early adulthood.

As I said before the problem here isn't past behaviour - it's poor communication.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2023 00:53

This reply has been deleted

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Dery · 04/07/2023 01:01

I don’t think your relationship is going to work.

You are allowed to regard this as a dealbreaker if that’s what it is for you. You do sound very judgmental - in a way which is unloving and shows a lack of imagination - about things she did when she was decades younger and considerably less wise and mature than she is now.

The hostility of your responses suggests you’re unwilling to consider other viewpoints (including that cannabis is legal in many places and huge harm is done by legalised drugs) and you seem determined to be offended and put off by your GF’s past (which, of course, she cannot change) where many people would not be. That’s your prerogative, of course, but I don’t think it’s how a person who genuinely loved their partner would behave. And I agree with the poster who said that, if these were dealbreakers for you, it would have been wise to make that clear sooner but of course that’s easy to say with hindsight.

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