Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Past drugs and casual sex

176 replies

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

OP posts:
Superdupes · 04/07/2023 13:01

Red20 · 03/07/2023 23:23

So you're happy to buy a product that's been produced by means of county lines exploitation of children? Great life choice

Show quote history

Except that no one had really heard of county lines before about 2019 and those involved in county lines are mainly involved in the more lucrative crack and heroin market anyway.
I've never done drugs or had a one night stand but I couldn't be surprised or upset if I was with someone who had done years before. As long as it was in their past I wouldn't be bothered and I'd rather they were honest about it.

ladykale · 04/07/2023 13:21

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:49

@peucepetunias you said it wasn't 'normal'. I said it was. You're wrong.

Now it's all about the OP's predicament, presumably because you've looked and I'm right so you're moving goalposts around frantically.

In the OP's case if either causal sex or drugs were a deal-breaker, considering it's completely normal and typical to have done those things, he should have asked. In two years DH and I covered the deal-breakers. I think we probably covered them in the first 6 months.

It's sad that casual sex and drug taking are considered "normal"

I wouldn't marry someone with this view because of course it will have an impact on how you raise your kids & values you instil, since everyone on here thinks both are absolutely no big deal.

Society in the U.K. really is in a sorry state!

Meepme · 04/07/2023 13:32

@ladykale its not considered normal for me or my circles of friends (most arent English) but i guess what people are saying is the OP needs to decide if that is acceptable to him.

ghosties · 04/07/2023 13:53

I didn't do drugs when I was younger but had my fair share of casual sex. Mainly because I was seeking validation and ultimately looking for love, but had no idea how to find it. Now getting divorced at 40 and wouldn't dream of doing that now, people change and grow up. Only you can decide if it's for you or not

TedMullins · 04/07/2023 14:40

ladykale · 04/07/2023 13:21

It's sad that casual sex and drug taking are considered "normal"

I wouldn't marry someone with this view because of course it will have an impact on how you raise your kids & values you instil, since everyone on here thinks both are absolutely no big deal.

Society in the U.K. really is in a sorry state!

Show quote history

ok, drugs are more polarising because of the illegality aspect but what’s your problem with consensual casual sex? I genuinely don’t understand the view that it’s bad for society.

ladykale · 04/07/2023 17:02

@TedMullins my personal issues with casual sex (and note I say personal before anyone says I'm being judgmental):

• higher chance of STIs

• people left emotionally broken as a result of one night stands - see references on this thread even to people "looking for love in the wrong place"

• if it results in pregnancy and woman decides to go ahead (as some do in this situation) MUCH higher chance that dad wants nothing to do with kid, which has been a big contributor to child poverty or the state having to support the mum who is worse off

• more broken families - best scenario to raise a child is always a two parent home, casual sex resulting in pregnancy is typically a broken home from Day 1

• in general in society, it has shifted the balance of power in dating towards men. Before men typically had to commit before he had easily available sex. Nowadays, women expected to sleep with man from date 3-5 or called a prude, without any real expectations of commitment.

Canima · 04/07/2023 17:13

By the time you are 40 you have acquired a lot of baggage. Its hard to judge what journeys people took to be where they are.. if you like her for what she is then frankly you have to let it go. She really cant do anything about changing her past, so really its all up to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

threadfan · 04/07/2023 17:26

The short answer is to take some time to let it marinate because I imagine it does suck to hear, but ultimately you do need to understand that the things in the past will always be there. The best thing for you would be to figure out if she would do these things again. If you get the answers you are looking for and can deal with her past, then you have your answer.

ladykale · 04/07/2023 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I love this approach to parenting!

It's one thing being there to assist when mistakes are made, but only thing I'd add is making sure young people are grounded enough to understand and evaluate risks / the consequences of their choices.

A young person thinking "everyone takes drugs" and "everyone has casual sex" (as seems to be the view espoused on this thread!), is a disaster in the making and not beneficial to them, particularly young women who are typically the more vulnerable party in sexual coercion / assault situations.

TheGreenSketch · 04/07/2023 18:13

You’ve been slammed here OP! I’ll confess I’ve not had an easy time in a relationship where casual sex and drugs was AOK for my partner. We just didn’t share a moral compass. He hadn’t evolved at all, if your partner has then all is well, surely? Talk to her. Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 18:23

A young person thinking "everyone takes drugs" and "everyone has casual sex" (as seems to be the view espoused on this thread!), is a disaster in the making and not beneficial to them, particularly young women who are typically the more vulnerable party in sexual coercion / assault situations.

Well as per DD when she says she'll NEVER take drugs, she adds, "but if I ever do I know I can talk to you" because I've drummed that into her. Having a mum who acknowledges the presence of widespread drug use while being honest about the possible consequences, she is likely to make better choices. And the message with sex in my house is CONSENT, PLEASURE and SAFETY.

Seebit · 04/07/2023 18:45

If it’s a deal breaker to you then it’s a deal breaker. It doesn’t matter what other people think. You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I also took this approach with mine and told them not to try to handle any adult situations themselves, if anyone does something they shouldn't have done then get help, yes they'll probably get in trouble with their parents but that will pass so don't worry about it, just call me or another adult for help!

There was a situation last year where that happened, and my eldest phoned for help and the child got the help they needed and all was fine.

The other kids in the group didn't want to get help (most likely because they thought the friend and maybe they themselves would get into trouble too) so luckily I'd had this conversation many times with mine. All the kids were actually relieved when an adult did arrive though.

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 19:37

@MrsTerryPratchett
Why on earth did your post get deleted? Bizarre

HunkaMunkasslipper · 04/07/2023 19:41

I didn't do drugs when I was younger but had my fair share of casual sex. Mainly because I was seeking validation and ultimately looking for love, but had no idea how to find it. Now getting divorced at 40 and wouldn't dream of doing that now, people change and grow up. Only you can decide if it's for you or not

This is the sort of thing that came up for me.
Doing drugs and seeking casual sex is often (I appreciate not always!) a means of figuring oneself out due to low self-worth and seeking love and affection/validation.

She was young. It's not something to condemn her for. And I am speaking as someone who's never done this behaviour! People change-I am nothing like I was 20 years ago.

I would tell her how you feel. You may find she doesn't want to be with someone with the attitude you have, and saves you a job.

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 19:50

A young person thinking "everyone takes drugs" and "everyone has casual sex" (as seems to be the view espoused on this thread!), is a disaster in the making and not beneficial to them, particularly young women who are typically the more vulnerable party in sexual coercion / assault situations.

Not everyone, but many.
You are attributing an attitude to people and weird parenting style that no one actually has.

No one is telling their kids "everyone does drugs and has casual sex".
Instead what many of us do is recognise the fact that it is a common occurrence and try to maintain balance in warning their kids about the dangers and making it clear we don't want them to do drugs, while also ensuring that they can come to us and ask for help if they need it if they do do something risky.

ladykale · 04/07/2023 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why on earth did this get deleted? She made really good points

gettingolderbutcooler · 04/07/2023 19:53

Dump her.
Sounds like she'll be getting a lucky escape.

Mummy08m · 04/07/2023 19:57

I'm amazed by these responses. You never owe anyone a relationship particularly after only 2y and no kids in common.

"Judgemental" or "unfair" would be if he refused to work with a former drug user, or refused to provide a service at work to one. Not refusing to date one! You can refuse to date anyone, for any reason. The Equality Act does not extend to choosing romantic partners...!

I have my own strong feelings about casual sex and recreational drugs, mostly for the way they make vulnerable people more vulnerable. I couldn't be with a partner who didn't, at least to some extent, agree with these views. By contrast I work with, and get on great with, people who have very different views and behaviours than mine in this respect. But being someone's partner is a completely different thing. You're allowed to withdraw from a (brief, childless) relationship for any reason at all, and indeed many do, for far more petty reasons than this.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 04/07/2023 19:58

For the posters saying that previous behaviours are indicative of futures ones absolutely baffles me. Was everyone perfectly mature at 18 then? So did anyone ever go out and get absolutely plastered, kissed a random guy(or girl), made a fool of themselves and then fell asleep on the bathroom floor? (And that scenario is tame) but I like to think I'm more mature than that at 38 than I was at 18.

FWIW I smoked weed, drank far too much, popped Ecstasy pills like smarties, and went raving every weekend between the ages of 16-20. Had the absolute time of my life. Would I do that now? Absolutely not! Would I recommend it or tell my children? Absolutely not! I am in a professional job and have matured a long time ago. I am not a bad person with no morals that needs to be cast aside like a dirty drug addict. It was 20 years ago for gods sake! I've had very occasional casual sex, it's not something that interested me as I've often been in relationships but equally, it's not something I judge others for either.

It may or may not come up in conversation with a new boyfriend but I would never hide my past at all. It's in the past. Clearly she's not going in the garden, smoking a spliff and shagging the postman against the tree so what's the issue?!

M340 · 04/07/2023 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

M340 · 04/07/2023 20:00

And as for the typos, no I'm not high. I've got my child on my lap im trying to feed. Cos, ya know, you grow up and change when you have kids.

Zanatdy · 04/07/2023 20:12

I think you’re being ridiculous

Catoo · 04/07/2023 20:14

Plunkplink · 03/07/2023 20:02

Leave her so she can find someone better

🤣