Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Past drugs and casual sex

176 replies

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 04/07/2023 08:36

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:15

It's in the OP's first post. 🙂

Show quote history

Yes but it's nonsensical

MermaidEyes · 04/07/2023 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Red20 · 04/07/2023 09:31

bumblebee2235 · 04/07/2023 01:23

What do you feel you will do? Have you decided?

I wouldn't be concerned as from your OP it sounds it's well and truly in the past and from a long time ago? We all change in time, sometimes very drastically.

I tried it on a few occasions when younger, but I have to admit I am wholly against it now. I have become extreme the other way (no drinking even, bit uptight these days 😂) But I would get a red flag depending on there past usage and their reasons.. like if they were an addict. I'm in a similar situation with my partners dark past, although he is far removed from it now, I do get a worry from time to time that if we go through a rough patch or things go wrong, would he revert to negative coping mechanisms that served him previously?

How does she feel about these past behaviours? That to me would say a lot, is it a glad I did it? No harm done? Or a wish I hadn't so glad that's in my past?

To answer your question I'd say she's glad she did it and no harm done

OP posts:
Yetisrus · 04/07/2023 09:32

I was going to write a long reply but can't be arsed.

Stop being so judgemental, we all have a past it makes us who we are. So you weren't into casual sex and don't approve of drugs that's your lookout but don't try and shame others if they were.

Hihihihihihihihihi · 04/07/2023 09:33

ladykale · 03/07/2023 20:37

I disagree with other posters.

Her past actions are indicative of her principles and values.

I wouldn't marry a man whose past included lots of casual sex or drugs, as it isn't a lifestyle that appealed to me and didn't reflect my personal values or ambition.

Particularly if she laughs at it as one big joke, will she have the same attitude when her daughter does the same? I think that's the part to discuss personally, as she may just have different values to you

Show quote history

Perfectly put. I would also he ending the relationship

whichwayisup · 04/07/2023 09:33

I'd say you should send a card with a print out of your post in it to your girlfriend. I'm fairly sure of her response.

Sweetsweetlike1 · 04/07/2023 10:00

whichwayisup · 04/07/2023 09:33

I'd say you should send a card with a print out of your post in it to your girlfriend. I'm fairly sure of her response.

🤣🤣🤦🏽‍♀️

Willowview · 04/07/2023 10:04

OP,
I am ashamed of my past. I fight an internal battle with myself everyday over my shameful behaviour.

I am lucky enough to have been dealt a second hand, some don't have the opportunity.

Your partner deserves to be accepted for what she is now, if you can't do that, I hope you can finish the relationship amicably.

I realise that personal preference is paramount when choosing a partner, I just don't hold with judgemental opinions per se, never judge a man and all that. . .

LaBefana · 04/07/2023 10:26

duvetday9 · 03/07/2023 19:48

Grow up

Just this. I shagged around like a maniac between about 17 and 25, and smoked enough dope to sink a battleship, plus acid, ecstacy, speed, etc but never any hard drugs. My DH has never judged me on that (possible because he was the same?). I daresay the OP and his girlfriend probably aren't suited because he is so fussy and has a rod up his ass, to be blunt.

TedMullins · 04/07/2023 11:12

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:09

I really don't know what you're talking about.

I haven't been given any tangible evidence except anecdotal accounts from yourself.

Many posters have given their opinions, and at the end of the day the OP has to make a decision.

Show quote history

Omg are you being obtuse on purpose? it’s very easy to find stats on drug use - almost 20% off 16-24 year olds used drugs in the past year https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/drugmisuseinenglandandwales/yearendingjune2022. That’s one in 5. So fairly common. Do you want me to find sex stats too? It is correct to say that even if YOU didn’t do that, one fifth of young adults do/have done so it’s really not uncommon or shocking.

Drug misuse in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics

An overview of the extent and trends of illicit drug use for the year ending March 2020. Data are from the Crime Survey for England and Wales.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/drugmisuseinenglandandwales/yearendingjune2022

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 11:56

TedMullins · 04/07/2023 11:12

Omg are you being obtuse on purpose? it’s very easy to find stats on drug use - almost 20% off 16-24 year olds used drugs in the past year https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/drugmisuseinenglandandwales/yearendingjune2022. That’s one in 5. So fairly common. Do you want me to find sex stats too? It is correct to say that even if YOU didn’t do that, one fifth of young adults do/have done so it’s really not uncommon or shocking.

Show quote history

Omg are you being obtuse on purpose?

Please don't be so rude and patronising.

almost 20% off 16-24 year olds used drugs in the past year

So that's a fifth not half or all as some other posters would have us believe.

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 12:03

@Red20 You have high standards and there is nothing wrong with that. Only you can know what to do in this situation, it is a very personal choice. I completely understand your hesitancy, but on the other hand, she might have been speaking flippantly and the ‘casual sex’ might have been once, she hated it, and has always since sought long term relationships.

Dope is not crack, so I think I could personally turn a blind eye to that, as long as it is left firmly in a bygone era. People are ignorant about county lines, so her doing dope doesn’t show that she supports child abuse.

Maybe speak to her about it all.

Just a thought: do you think maybe there’s a part of you that was looking for a reason to not move in together?

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 12:08

The drugs thing I do sort of understand but it was so far in her past. it would be foolish to throw away an otherwise good relationship because of something that she used to do in the past. Not one of us is squeaky clean and perfect.
If casual sex isn’t for you, then don’t do it. What a stupid comment.

clpsmum · 04/07/2023 12:08

duvetday9 · 03/07/2023 19:48

Grow up

This

It's none of your business what she did before you

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 12:11

clpsmum · 04/07/2023 12:08

This

It's none of your business what she did before you

Show quote history

Actually it is.

Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, values and attitudes.

Would you say the same if she'd stolen off children, mugged pensioners, set fire to puppies, or cheated at exams?

Really?

TedMullins · 04/07/2023 12:34

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 12:11

Actually it is.

Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, values and attitudes.

Would you say the same if she'd stolen off children, mugged pensioners, set fire to puppies, or cheated at exams?

Really?

Show quote history

Have you ever heard of the idea of rehabilitation? Clearly we don't agree on whether doing drugs or having casual sex are markers of someone's morality (sex especially, as I've already said, what consenting adults do with their bodies is absolutely no one else's business), but even criminals who have mugged or stolen from people deserve a second chance if they commit to changing their lives and show remorse. I don't think this woman has anything to be remorseful about though

TedMullins · 04/07/2023 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

clpsmum · 04/07/2023 12:43

@peucepetunias smoking some dope and casual sex is hardly the same as mugging old ladies is it

Prelapsarianhag · 04/07/2023 12:49

Mate, you sound like you hate her. Let her go before you do her any damage.

supercali77 · 04/07/2023 12:51

Wtf. Cannabis is largely grown hydropnically & locally since importing it is filled with obvious legal issues. I dont know many people who didn't smoke weed as teenagers.

Nomorenonbinary · 04/07/2023 12:52

If nobody had a relationship because potential partners had made unwise decisions in their youth, nobody would ever have a relationship.

supercali77 · 04/07/2023 12:53

Anyway, you've come on here for what exactly? You're asking a question? But anyone who's saying you're overinflating the issue is given a pulpit bashing morality lecture. Why not just end it and save us all your sermon

OhTheSilence · 04/07/2023 12:54

Try talking to her? Let her know the same thoughts as you've expressed here so she knows who she's getting and can also make an informed decision.

Meepme · 04/07/2023 12:56

@Red20 I think if this kind of thing bothers you, then you need to move on. However I would think carefully as I know someone who did this, then married a more clean living sort, and always seems to miss the ex.

Personally it depends on the person. I've dated a couple of wilder sorts (in their past) and it doesnt bother me despite me being teetotal. Similarly with lots of sex in their past. If she's over all that now, then I'd be OK with it

Beachhutnut · 04/07/2023 12:57

Her past gives her a unique insight to be able to steer your kids away from such behaviour in future. See it as a positive.

Swipe left for the next trending thread