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Original poster

Past drugs and casual sex

176 replies

Red20 · 03/07/2023 19:45

I've been with my girlfriend for just under two years. We're in our mid 40s, work in the professions and both have teenage children.
Last week she was telling me about a safeguarding course she was going to attend as she's starting work for a charity. She then said that she'd looked at the subjects for risky behaviour and started laughing as she'd apparently done the same things herself, namely drugs and casual sex. This related to school and university as well as later in life. She said she'd only stopped smoking dope when she had her daughter.
This is the first time she's mentioned any of this.
The issue for me is I really don't like drugs. I don't do drugs and don't mix with people who do. A close friend lost his daughter to an overdose so I've seen first-hand the damage.
As for casual sex that's not for me. I've had long and short relationships as well as being married.
We had talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure.
What should I do?

OP posts:

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 01:02

@peucepetunias

Having a particular set of standards isn't 'judgemental'.

He is being judgemental, look up the dictionary definition.

Well, you must come from a different world than me because I don't see that drugs and casual sex are a 'normal' part of early adulthood.

I quite clearly said "things that are a pretty normal part of early adulthood for a large amount of the population", which is simply a fact.
Even if you didn't grow up in that kind of 'world' and didn't witness that kind of thing you'd have to be living in a bubble to not know that that was a fact that a significant amount of people have taken drugs or had casual sex.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:04

Well, you must come from a different world than me because I don't see that drugs and casual sex are a 'normal' part of early adulthood.

It's roughly half the population (drugs) so I'd say that the dictionary definition of 'normal'.

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 01:05

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:04

Well, you must come from a different world than me because I don't see that drugs and casual sex are a 'normal' part of early adulthood.

It's roughly half the population (drugs) so I'd say that the dictionary definition of 'normal'.

And your evidence is ???

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 01:12

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 01:02

@peucepetunias

Having a particular set of standards isn't 'judgemental'.

He is being judgemental, look up the dictionary definition.

Well, you must come from a different world than me because I don't see that drugs and casual sex are a 'normal' part of early adulthood.

I disagree.

He isn't being 'judgemental'.

He's not asked the right questions (for whatever reason) before getting involved with this person and now he's found out information that doesn't sit well with his particular standards.

So he's in a moral dilemma.

Even if you didn't grow up in that kind of 'world' and didn't witness that kind of thing you'd have to be living in a bubble to not know that that was a fact that a significant amount of people have taken drugs or had casual sex.

Please don't patronise me.
And perhaps you can quantify what you mean by a 'significant amount of people'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:22

YouGov @peucepetunias

I could post the link but I feel like you're the type to want to find competing statistics so I don't want to deprive you.

BTW I don't take drugs, I'm pro-decriminalisation and destigmatisation because I do understand the risks. But many people try drugs without it having an adverse effect on their life.

bumblebee2235 · 04/07/2023 01:23

What do you feel you will do? Have you decided?

I wouldn't be concerned as from your OP it sounds it's well and truly in the past and from a long time ago? We all change in time, sometimes very drastically.

I tried it on a few occasions when younger, but I have to admit I am wholly against it now. I have become extreme the other way (no drinking even, bit uptight these days 😂) But I would get a red flag depending on there past usage and their reasons.. like if they were an addict. I'm in a similar situation with my partners dark past, although he is far removed from it now, I do get a worry from time to time that if we go through a rough patch or things go wrong, would he revert to negative coping mechanisms that served him previously?

How does she feel about these past behaviours? That to me would say a lot, is it a glad I did it? No harm done? Or a wish I hadn't so glad that's in my past?

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 01:23

This reply has been deleted

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peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 01:28

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:22

YouGov @peucepetunias

I could post the link but I feel like you're the type to want to find competing statistics so I don't want to deprive you.

BTW I don't take drugs, I'm pro-decriminalisation and destigmatisation because I do understand the risks. But many people try drugs without it having an adverse effect on their life.

I could post the link but I feel like you're the type to want to find competing statistics so I don't want to deprive you.

As you know nothing about me or 'my type' I think your response is invalid.

Now who's being judgemental?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 01:29

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MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:33

I was being a little facetious @peucepetunias

You're terribly serious.

If you want to be the same I'll tell you that I have been present at several overdoses, known people who've died, I worked in treatment and recovery services. Stigmatising users isn't good and neither is judgement. I really do know a lot about this, including incidence of use.

Did you look up the statistics. I am right, it's about half of young adults.

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 01:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:33

I was being a little facetious @peucepetunias

You're terribly serious.

Did you look up the statistics. I am right, it's about half of young adults.

I was being a little facetious

Most digital miscommunication happens because we don't have access to the non-verbal cues, including tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions, that give us valuable emotional context when we're discussing in person.

I don't really care about how many stomachs you've pumped out, that has nothing to do with the OP's predicament.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:49

@peucepetunias you said it wasn't 'normal'. I said it was. You're wrong.

Now it's all about the OP's predicament, presumably because you've looked and I'm right so you're moving goalposts around frantically.

In the OP's case if either causal sex or drugs were a deal-breaker, considering it's completely normal and typical to have done those things, he should have asked. In two years DH and I covered the deal-breakers. I think we probably covered them in the first 6 months.

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 01:49

@peucepetunias you said it wasn't 'normal'. I said it was. You're wrong.

Now it's all about the OP's predicament, presumably because you've looked and I'm right so you're moving goalposts around frantically.

I'm sorry you can't accept that people have different opinions about many topics..

Being 'right' or 'wrong' doesn't come in to it.

You obviously haven't read my post at 1.12am where I said

'He's not asked the right questions (for whatever reason) before getting involved with this person and now he's found out information that doesn't sit well with his particular standards.

So he's in a moral dilemma.'

Unfortunately he's now in an unenviable position and faced with a difficult decision that's his alone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 02:03

FGS @peucepetunias you said, "And your evidence is ???". You asked.

nealjacob53 · 04/07/2023 02:03

ive been smoking weed for 40 years, im now 70, its one of lifes small pleasures. I live a normal life and i dont tell my friends, they would never know but i enjoy it

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 02:03

FGS @peucepetunias you said, "And your evidence is ???". You asked.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

I haven't been given any tangible evidence except anecdotal accounts from yourself.

Many posters have given their opinions, and at the end of the day the OP has to make a decision.

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2023 02:13

Sorry what's the actual problem?

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:15

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2023 02:13

Sorry what's the actual problem?

It's in the OP's first post. 🙂

MumGMT · 04/07/2023 02:20

@peucepetunias

I haven't been given any tangible evidence except anecdotal accounts from yourself.

It's not up to posters on here to provide evidence for what is for the rest of us tacit knowledge. As I said already, you're being disingenuous trying to make out that this isn't a common thing for people to have done.

We're not writing college essays here and submitting them for grading. It's up to you to educate yourself.

Find evidence that proves your own theory and disproves what we're saying, if you're so bothered.

FuppingEll · 04/07/2023 02:20

I had a brief stint of casual sex and drug taking in my late teens. I've been faithful to my husband for 20years at this point and don't even drink alcohol now. Most of us grow and change as people as we age. I'm not the teenager who just escaped an extremely abusive upbringing any more. If someone wants to judge me as a person now on who I was back then they are welcome to but it says more about them than me I think. Life is complicated with many different shades of grey, if you can't see that and expect someone you are with to have always behaved in a way you approve of then you are probably better off leaving her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 02:30

I told you @peucepetunias YouGov. Young adults, about half have tried. That's not an anecdote.

OldBeller · 04/07/2023 02:33

ladykale · 03/07/2023 23:30

Typical middle class view that drug taking is victimless and is a bit of a laugh when young.

OP is perfectly entitled to have whichever principles he wants about whatever he wants.

It would only be hypocritical or problematic if he thought it was fine for him to do but a problem if she did, which isn't the case...

I know LOTS of people who didn't take drugs when young. If everyone does, then why is it illegal, why do dealers go to jail for 30 years & why does it cause so much misery and have so many links to trafficking and exploitation

I really think you need to familiarise yourself with the sentencing guidelines. People are absolutely not getting 30 years in prison for selling weed. That's quite a ludicrous exaggeration.

I know someone who was caught twice in a row, once while on bail, with a bag full of a few different types of drugs and a machete. He got three years.

OldBeller · 04/07/2023 02:37

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peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 02:54

OldBeller · 04/07/2023 02:33

I really think you need to familiarise yourself with the sentencing guidelines. People are absolutely not getting 30 years in prison for selling weed. That's quite a ludicrous exaggeration.

I know someone who was caught twice in a row, once while on bail, with a bag full of a few different types of drugs and a machete. He got three years.