Husband wants to try anal

[Somethingdiferent]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

I wanted to ask this. I did have a work colleague once who insisted she liked it - but apart from her I always assumed it could only really be fun for the man. I personally would never consider it - but do some women really actually enjoy it?

I mean. why? Men have a prostate up their bum that can be stimulated to cause pleasure, but we don't? Women can have G spot or C spot orgasms - but what pleasure can come from anal sex? Obviously I must be missing something, but I've sometimes wondered.....

From a friend's perspective, if they combing the Anal while pleasuring the bean so to speak.

Not sure how accurate that is.

If it’s such a ‘treat’, why not do it more often?

It’s not like an actual treat that you need to ration because it costs a lot of money, or is fattening or will rot your teeth.

I can only assume, therefore, that it’s a ‘treat’ you dole out for him, and that the reason you don’t do it more often, is because you don’t, genuinely, actually enjoy it all that much.

Explain to him, in detail, with pictures, the medical reality of your tear. Convey your disappointment that you are saddled with a partner who is so dimwitted about female anatomy, and so uncaring of your health and comfort and pleasure. Be understanding about his loss of penis in vagina intimacy, and then produce the largest dildo you can find, and suggest his satisfaction and pleasure will be greatly enhanced if you shove it up his bum. Assure him that you know exactly what you are doing, but remain vague on where precisely you gained such experience. Have this conversation with the babe you just birthed sleeping cherubically in your arms.

He doesn't respect you. He may be framing this as 'considerate' because of the trauma you've experienced with your birth canal, but he doesn't give a toss. And in addition, perhaps he thinks it'll be nice and tight up there. After a painful labour that presumably caused you a lot of pain in your most vulnerable parts, how the hell he thinks that 'a bit of anal' is going to be nice for you is anyone's guess. But my guess is that he doesn't give a shit. He wants something he thinks he's seen women 'enjoying' in porn flicks. It's not intimate for women. It's not pleasurable for women (no prostate!). It'll hurt you. There is nothing in it for you. What if he decides this is what he prefers in your sexual relationship?

Might be worth relationship counselling if you really think there's hope for your relationship and perhaps he really is just very very unimaginative and foolish, rather than downright selfish and porn-addled.

And I am glad I am "missing something" and will continue to carry on missing it ad infinitum.

You might find this podcast a useful listen. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/dirty-mother-pukka-with-anna-whitehouse/id1433966575?i=1000615801630 Emphasises how much prep is needed for anal sex to potentially be pleasurable (lots!)

Your anus is well within the no go zone after a serious tear, even if the tear didn't extend all the way to it. There is absolutely no way I'd want that to be the target of any painful stretching. If you haven't done anal before, now is not the time.

@MaydinEssex

Your comments are obliquely homophobic in my opinion. Whether or not the OP wants anal sex is nothing to do whether or. not (as would you'd describe it) it is an "unnatural act"!

I enjoy it 🤷🏼‍♀️ it’s a different feeling to vaginal sex, hard to describe though. As a PP mentioned, best combined with clitoral stimulation, but I usually need that with normal sex too. Being comfortable and relaxed is key, also lube.

None of this applies to OP though where anal sex is clearly ill-advised on medical grounds as well as the fact that she quite understandably doesn’t fancy it.

OP - at best, your DH is a foolish and insensitive twit. At worst he’s a deeply unpleasant man who views you as nothing more than a hole to meet his needs. Only you know which of the two it is.

I can only assume, therefore, that it’s a ‘treat’ you dole out for him, and that the reason you don’t do it more often, is because you don’t, genuinely, actually enjoy it all that much.

By this logic, men shouldn't go down on women...

A few years ago a friend was talking about this exact situation. In our group those who had tried it said don't do it because its very painful and not pleasurable. They absolutely resolute about not doing anal. I also suspect your spincter muscle doesnt work as well afterwards.

Please see someone about your trauma. You may have PTSD and need treatment. Good luck.

You have had a birth injury, so he's thinking of an alternative method. Face-palm!

In reality it's the tear, the memory of the birth, breastfeeding (if you are), the sleepless nights, the hormones and you needing time with all of that and to feel sexy again and confident in your body as it heals. If he was a supportive, loving partner to you it would make sex much more appealing than the suggestion of anal. Amazing that he can't see that.

As long as he tries it first perhaps? To see what it's like? Since he's not postpartum and you'll gauge it by him. If he has a strong reaction against it, ask him why? Because it will hurt perhaps?

What stood out to me is you say you had a 'really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear'. His solution is anal? I mean, I don't think that's going to bring you closer together. It may cause damage you may require surgery for. I'd hope that if you do it, you know what could happen and implicitly trust your husband to stop when it hurts too much and not a TRIGGER WARNING...

pathetic "I didn't hear you", "it felt good" and he slipped that I have seen on here too many times to count.

I've been experimental (even with this type of thing) and open to trying things but after finding out a few things, I'd never go all the way with a partner. Please watch the Louis Theroux documentary episodes on porn and perhaps the TV series Adult Material first. They are a hard watch but insightful.

He gets to have it done to him first.

Honestly, it hurts going in and feels exactly like diarrhoea coming out.
As an option when you’re not ready for vaginal sex I think he’s disgusting and you should be angry.

we are only just getting our sex life back and our youngest in nearly 3. DH has waited patiently and taken a few extra long showers.

How keen would he be if he'd got dragged into machinery nine months ago and had his penile tissue shredded?

🤣🤣🤣

God, the longer I’m on MN the more I fucking hate men 😡

I wonder how much of 50 shades of grey has also influenced personal views.

I've reported them

Is he mad? Why the fuck suggest anal instead of I dunno..

A relaxing massage with nothing else
Oral sex (for you)
Everything except penetration and no trying to
Seeing the doctor and checking everything is ok
Taking things incredibly slowly

This.

Sex is not intimacy, why do men think sex is intimacy? I wouldn’t do it personally I would expect my husband to be patient and kind.

I (personally really enjoy it) but said this to my partner when suggested, so he let me and now he bloody enjoys it!! Backfired quite a bit but hey Ho!!!

OP don’t do anything you feel uncomfortable with, no matter how far PP you are etc. 💐

I’m not against anal, but in your situation I don’t think it’s the answer- it’s more likely to be painful, not less.

What does your husband want- to rebuild a mutually pleasurable sex life with him s wife, or just a hole to stick himself in? If the answer is the first, how much time has he spent bringing you pleasure in ways that will gradually build your confidence again? Has he made you come lately with his fingers, his mouth? Because if not, there’s no way he gets to suggest anything else.

He sounds like a selfish idiot OP. You’re struggling after a traumatic birth and this is his answer. Nasty bastard.

I don't think this is about sex as such but about her re,Atkins hip with her husband