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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
IamnotHWhittier · 03/07/2023 00:34

I don’t see how that will bypass ( so to speak ) the issue of the damage your last delivery has done.
A tear such as you describe is end to end ie vagina to anus.
You need to tell him what’s happened, if he doesn’t understand maybe some diagrams.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 03/07/2023 00:37

AndTheSurveySays · 02/07/2023 23:02

JFC I can't even begin to describe how violent my reaction would be to such a suggestion as a solution intimacy issues so soon after birth. Wtf.

This

What a horrible twat he is OP. Who the fuck would think this was a reasonable suggestion for someone who sustained a 3rd degree genital tear?! Ffs

ZebraDilemma · 03/07/2023 00:41

wildfirewonder · 02/07/2023 23:01

You don't have to do this, and you don't need a reason to say no.

You need to read very carefully about the risks before deciding.

He doesn't sound very nice tbh, so don't be pressured.

This

Tell him if he’s so keen you will go first and penetrate him with a strap on.

AngeloMysterioso · 03/07/2023 00:43

I personally really enjoy it and I’m not some porn sick weirdo, but I certainly wouldn’t ever view it as a solution to a lack of intimacy. That’s a whole other situation that isn’t going to be solved with a bit of bum sex to keep your husband happy.

That being said, if you do decide to go for it, the practicalities…

It can hurt, but it’s not necessarily guaranteed to. Use lots and lots and lots of lube, and go for a position that allows your lower body to relax as much as possible, spooning or lying flat on your tummy or with a pillow under your hips would probably be best. Take deep breaths and go very very slowly so you can get used to it. The anal sphincter is a powerful muscle, and if you’re tense or not well lubricated enough then it’s just not going to work and yes, will probably hurt.

And if you don’t really want to do it, then absolutely do not do it.

Teenagehorrorbag · 03/07/2023 00:44

Hawkins0001 · 03/07/2023 00:01

From a friend's perspective, if they combing the Anal while pleasuring the bean so to speak.

Not sure how accurate that is.

Show quote history

Grin Grin

So the anal bit isn't necessarily really a treat....

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/07/2023 00:45

AndTheSurveySays · 02/07/2023 23:02

JFC I can't even begin to describe how violent my reaction would be to such a suggestion as a solution intimacy issues so soon after birth. Wtf.

Absolutely!

Deathbyfluffy · 03/07/2023 00:46

Booklover40 · 03/07/2023 00:18

How keen would he be if he'd got dragged into machinery nine months ago and had his penile tissue shredded?

🤣🤣🤣

God, the longer I’m on MN the more I fucking hate men 😡

Man here - hating all men for the actions of a few is more than a bit silly.
The OP’s husband is an idiot, but that doesn’t mean all men are.
Just like some women are awful, I’m also glad the majority aren’t.

Wanderingfree32 · 03/07/2023 00:52

Tell him first of all you want to stick a melon up his bum and get him to squeeze it out without any lube just to give him an idea if what it's like giving birth. Then you'll wear a strap on and do him from behind a few times first. See how keen he is.

Also, that kind of tear would have gone through to your anus. It is likely to hurt alot if your vagina is still uncomfortable from the birth.

It would be a no from me in those circumstances.

SD1978 · 03/07/2023 00:53

So the solution for your husband, to the fact you find the idea of vaginal sex difficult, is lob it in another hole until you feel better about vaginal sex? How about working through the concerns you have, and what you're comfortable with doing, until you are (maybe) more comfortable with the idea or the actual act of sex? His solution of any hole will do whilst the main one heals up isn't going to be a long term solution to the issues you have and seems selfish as fuck.

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 00:53

Yay a man has come along to tell us NAMALT

🎉

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/07/2023 00:55

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 23:02

Say on the condition that you get to peg him in return! Lol

This. With a huge sex toy.

Bromptotoo · 03/07/2023 00:56

I wouldn't dream of anal with a partner unless we both thought it'd be OK.

In your circs who'd even toy with the idea?

What could you both do together that works for you as well as him?

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 00:57

Whether you want to try anal or not is a personal preference. But the time not to do it is right now. 6 months after childbirth after suffering a 3rd degree tear. Does your “D”H understand the basics of human anatomy? Anal is not the solution to this. Time, patience, love and support is. If when you’re healed you want to try it, that’s another matter. The fact he thinks that anal will solve this is so bizarre to me. It does possibly suggest he gets his understanding of sex and women’s bodies from porn.

MumGMT · 03/07/2023 01:02

Deathbyfluffy · 03/07/2023 00:46

Man here - hating all men for the actions of a few is more than a bit silly.
The OP’s husband is an idiot, but that doesn’t mean all men are.
Just like some women are awful, I’m also glad the majority aren’t.

Show quote history

Men posting on mumsnet is silly.

toffeeappleglow · 03/07/2023 01:02

I'd be worried to try it when you're still anxious after recovery from tearing, but to be honest, I'm not interested in trying that ever!

There are other options. Don't agree unless you really want to!

His claims that it won't hurt would put my back up and guarantee it wouldn't happen. How can he know?!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/07/2023 01:03

Cucucucu · 02/07/2023 23:39

Occupy are uncomfortable with the idea it will probably not help .
Now putting his wants aside , 6 months is an awful lot of time without sex , do you think you might need some professional help to get your sex life back ? I’ve had a pretty traumatic birth and emergency c sections but my sex drive eventually returns , if you have no need for sex for 6 months that can be a issue

Don't be so ridiculous! Six months is not an awful lot of time without sex when you've not only spent 9 months growing a human being, then birthing one, but having a traumatic birth and significant tearing on top. Having also suffered a traumatic birth, sex was a no go for me for two years. My body was ruined and needed time to heal. Six months is a drop in the ocean! My husband was respectful and patient.

The OP does not need professional help to get her sex life back, she needs time to recover, heal, and probably lots of sleep. Her sex drive will return when her body is both physically and mentally ready.

takealettermsjones · 03/07/2023 01:06

Deathbyfluffy · 03/07/2023 00:46

Man here - hating all men for the actions of a few is more than a bit silly.
The OP’s husband is an idiot, but that doesn’t mean all men are.
Just like some women are awful, I’m also glad the majority aren’t.

Show quote history

Aye aye, Captain Namalt 🫡

ASGIRC · 03/07/2023 01:06

Marmaladesarnie · 03/07/2023 00:17

Honestly, it hurts going in and feels exactly like diarrhoea coming out.
As an option when you’re not ready for vaginal sex I think he’s disgusting and you should be angry.

we are only just getting our sex life back and our youngest in nearly 3. DH has waited patiently and taken a few extra long showers.

😂😂
I didnt find it completely unpleasant (but Im not opposed to a little bit of paiin with my pleasure), but it was the feeling like I needed to "go" for HOURS after that completely put me off ever doing it again.

OP, when I first opened this thread I was ready to tell you you are both adults and you should maybe try it.

But no. Your DHs suggestion is completely innapropriate for a 3rd/4th degree tear (where does it think the tears go???), and his "reassurance" of knowing what hes doing is utter bull.

And yes, it WILL hurt. More so because of your tear.
But it will hurt because you are apprehensive about it, so will tense up.

Dont do it. Tell your DH is it not recommended for the tear you had and that that is final.

KingTriton · 03/07/2023 01:09

YerAWizardHarry · 02/07/2023 23:00

YABU because there’s a sex board..

Oh unclench FFS.

OP if you're terrified then I'd say that's a pretty good reason not to do it!

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 01:11

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/07/2023 01:03

Don't be so ridiculous! Six months is not an awful lot of time without sex when you've not only spent 9 months growing a human being, then birthing one, but having a traumatic birth and significant tearing on top. Having also suffered a traumatic birth, sex was a no go for me for two years. My body was ruined and needed time to heal. Six months is a drop in the ocean! My husband was respectful and patient.

The OP does not need professional help to get her sex life back, she needs time to recover, heal, and probably lots of sleep. Her sex drive will return when her body is both physically and mentally ready.

Show quote history

Fully agree that 6 months is not a long time at all. Putting a time frame on getting back to having sex is totally arbitrary. The OP should not be made to feel like there’s something wrong with her if she’s not comfortable with it yet.

takealettermsjones · 03/07/2023 01:12

OP, I am in awe of you for managing not to laugh in his face for thinking anal is the way to avoid pain after a third degree perineal tear! Sounds like fella needs some diagrams and a KS3-level explanation.

Also how tf does he know what he's doing if you've been together for 17 years and never done it?? He's either a cheat or an absolute bullshitter.

truthhurts23 · 03/07/2023 01:14

I wouldn’t if I was you, did not enjoy , I think only men enjoy being the giver and receivers or anal
And you have to do it right or it will hurt you , it can be embarrassing if there’s poop most likely will be..
I would be saying no

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/07/2023 01:17

Well, after looking up what is involved in a third and 4th° tear I think this is the most insensitive idea he could possibly have come up with. On the other hand, a massive strap on which you could use to have anal sex on him might fulfil him. Worth asking him about this.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/07/2023 01:21

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

Good advice from an expert, not from a selfish and insensitive husband..

And I agree with PP You have had a traumatic birth and this is what he comes up with! He needs to stop watching porn and actually give a shit about the mother of his child.

I hope you heal soon, OP. But still don’t let him use you like a blow-up doll.

Blueink · 03/07/2023 01:23

It will hurt like hell after this birth injury. No way!

I wouldn’t overthink it too much OP, he’s probably just come up with it as a (very misguided) solution