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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 02/07/2023 23:08

And precisely how does he know that it won’t hurt? What magic does he know when he says he knows what he’s doing? It will hurt more than vaginally. You have had a traumatic birth and this is what he comes up with! He needs to stop watching porn and actually give a shit about the mother of his child. Is he ok with you using a dildo on him to try it first?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/07/2023 23:09

I would say that is something to try when you're feeling confident, turned on, and happy with your sex life (and clearly only if its something youd like to do). If you're not relaxed and ticking all those boxes it will likely be awkward, painful, and you will feel like he looks at you in the 'any hole is a goal' way. So from what you've said, I think this will be a bad idea for you.

Id be looking to concentrate on other ways of being intimate. If sex is still painful for you have you been to the doctor to try and sort it out? Either way I don't think what he is proposing can be a long term solution (if it's fairly frequent) without risk of long term issues for you down there.

Lastly if you do go ahead please read up on how to make it work for you. Lots of men go off what they see in porn and in reality if that's how he thinks it will be ok (eg without a lot of lube) then he is deluded

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/07/2023 23:09

Buy him a blow up doll.

Zanina · 02/07/2023 23:09

You've just had a baby you're still very vulnerable and your body needs rest. Please don't do it. how does he know it won't hurt? Youre injured as it is. He is just thinking about himself. Sounds like porn addiction and in his mind a good time to try something new, at a personal cost to you. He is supposed to love and look after you and baby, not pressuring for sex. Sex is not 'always' intimacy

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

Randomworkmoan · 02/07/2023 23:12

"He assures me it will be fine" - did you laugh in his face when he said this? Fine for him cause he isn't on the receiving end

By a means try anal one day but not now because your insensitive dickhead husband is too impatient to wait till you are ready to have sex

Crinkle77 · 02/07/2023 23:12

Urgh!!!! He is shown complete disregard for you and your health, all he cares about is getting his end away.

Whatafool123 · 02/07/2023 23:12

You had a third almost fourth degree tear and he is suggesting anal? WTF?

Also, how is he such an expert, knowing what do, when you have been together 17 years without mentioning it before?

Either he has tried it elsewhere, or as others have said, he has watched too much porn. Whatever the reason, I would suggest you try it on him with a strap on first and if that goes well, you will consider it, maybe, in a year or two, when you're healed.

FFS.

MaydinEssex · 02/07/2023 23:14

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Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:16

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These days the amount of kinks, enough to write an encyclopedia

RudsyFarmer · 02/07/2023 23:16

I would you go with the ‘you first’ adage and get yourself a strap on
dildo. As long as he is happy with it then i’m good to go.

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 23:16

Sounds like he's done some research. What a shame he hasn't put the same kind of effort into understanding whether you feel ready to explore sexual activity again and how he can make you feel sexy and experienced pleasure without penetration or anything that might feel uncomfortable.

ILoveMyCaravan · 02/07/2023 23:17

Anal is likely to hurt more and cause more damage than penetrative vaginal sex if you've had a 3rd or 4th degree tear!

He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

He's an insensitive, selfish bastard for suggesting that.

Mischance · 02/07/2023 23:17

Oh just tell him to fuck off. Do these sex-obsessed selfish men not have any imagination? How is he going to be a proper father when he can't even have the patience and understanding to grasp your situation.

SophiaElizabethGrace · 02/07/2023 23:18

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Helpful.

Not!

The thing is, anal sex can be great if you both want to do it. What you've described is not that, it's your husband desperate for sex, not attempting to wait until you're ready and giving no thought to what you've been through. He sounds awful.

WoopWoopThisIsTheSoundOfThePolice · 02/07/2023 23:18

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

@Somethingdiferent please tell him this.

Icantremembermyusername · 02/07/2023 23:21

DP and I have anal sex every couple of months. I enjoy it as a treat every now and then.
However now is not the time to explore new sexual avenues. He needs to be thinking about you and your offspring and how to please you! And if that means wanking into a sock, so be it.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:23

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 23:00

Porn, in a word. That's what will have inspired that ittle fantasy.
And it almost certainly will hurt.

You haven’t tried it, have you?

allmyliesaretrue · 02/07/2023 23:24

Tried it once and fucking hated it!! Now isn't the time to try it out!

KnackeredAF · 02/07/2023 23:25

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

Very much this.

HorribleNecktie · 02/07/2023 23:26

What a disgusting little man. Tell him to go fuck himself.

Minime88888888 · 02/07/2023 23:26

I would be devastated if my husband wanted to do this to me.

I'd ask him to move into the spare room.

MumGMT · 02/07/2023 23:27

but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect.

What he said there just shows that he doesn't actually know what to do at all. First time anal has a high chance of hurting. First time anal after a tear like yours could be absolutely horrific. He doesn't have a clue.

LuvSmallDogs · 02/07/2023 23:29

I had an episiotomy with DS1. Though it's healed now, for at least a year the scar tissue was stiff and inflexible rather than stretchy like it was meant to be. My husband is considerate in bed and I wanted sex, but if it was accidentally "hit wrong" it was pretty unpleasant for that year or so.

That's all to say, that if this tear has affected your perineum like that, then anal could really hurt.