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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 02/07/2023 23:42

Firstly, you should never do anything you don't want to do. It seems as though since it hasn't been mentioned before, he's seeing it as an alternative penetrative sex and being intimate that's not vaginal after your traumatic birth. If he's only suggested it and isn't pressuring you then don't overthink it.

If anal is something you want to try, make sure you have lots of lube preferably an anal specific one and try small butt plugs first and see how you get on before trying anal sex.

NooNaNa · 02/07/2023 23:43

In this situation I'd definitely say that you need to see him take a dildo first. IRS inky fair.

NooNaNa · 02/07/2023 23:43

It's only fair

allmyliesaretrue · 02/07/2023 23:46

He's a fucking insensitive, selfish prick. Tell him to fuck right off!

Stressyfab · 02/07/2023 23:46

Haven’t had time to read the whole thread, not sure if anyone’s suggested this already but agree to it.
Then send him links to strap ons and/or tell him to bend over.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/07/2023 23:47

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/07/2023 23:09

I would say that is something to try when you're feeling confident, turned on, and happy with your sex life (and clearly only if its something youd like to do). If you're not relaxed and ticking all those boxes it will likely be awkward, painful, and you will feel like he looks at you in the 'any hole is a goal' way. So from what you've said, I think this will be a bad idea for you.

Id be looking to concentrate on other ways of being intimate. If sex is still painful for you have you been to the doctor to try and sort it out? Either way I don't think what he is proposing can be a long term solution (if it's fairly frequent) without risk of long term issues for you down there.

Lastly if you do go ahead please read up on how to make it work for you. Lots of men go off what they see in porn and in reality if that's how he thinks it will be ok (eg without a lot of lube) then he is deluded

Superbly written. Absolutely agree!!

gemstoneju · 02/07/2023 23:48

And what if you don't agree, what's next? 'Would you mind if I bought sex from a hooker'?

Jesus, OP, you have a birth injury. How keen would he be if he'd got dragged into machinery nine months ago and had his penile tissue shredded?

Pity he hadn't, tbh.

eastegg · 02/07/2023 23:49

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:34

@eastegg See previous reply.

Yep, seen previous reply.

I think maybe the pp you were responding to was saying ‘it will hurt’ very much in the context of the OP, and not at all ‘in general’. Your observation, that if done properly it doesn’t hurt, is the more ‘in general’ comment and the much more unhelpful one of the two imo. I would have thought that ‘if done properly’ would encompass not doing it 6 months after an almost 4th degree tear.

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 23:49

What did he say when you asked why now?

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/07/2023 23:50

AndTheSurveySays · 02/07/2023 23:02

JFC I can't even begin to describe how violent my reaction would be to such a suggestion as a solution intimacy issues so soon after birth. Wtf.

Yep. I just gave birth, I’ve been torn, I’m reluctant to get back in the swing of things and just kinda want to put my vagina on pause for now and your solution is to stick it up my arse?! Be angry OP, very angry.

Abouttoblow · 02/07/2023 23:50

Tell him to go ahead a buy a strap-on and you can try anal.

Edders71 · 02/07/2023 23:50

Just when you think you’ve heard it all…

I’d have no problem with your DH asking if you’d like to try this in the normal sceme of things.

But for him to suggest it as an alternative because of your anxiety over vaginal penetration is a whole new level of arsehole.

How long would this go on for? Indefinitely? How will this help build your confidence? It won’t.

He’s highly likely to penetrate you vaginally by slipping while trying to enter anally. That would be highly distressing for you.

If he can’t be bothered to take it slowly, build up your confidence and put you first then I’d be wondering if he’s worth my time at all.

grumpycow1 · 02/07/2023 23:51

Sounds like an impatient twit who resents being told no. This is not the way to bring back intimacy in your relationship. Tell him patience and understanding should do the trick. Not treating you like an inflatable doll. Saying that though maybe he should buy one if he really can’t wait… 🙄 For me it took around 8 months to be able to be intimate again due to a traumatic birth. The more I had felt rushed the longer it would have taken.

OkImListening · 02/07/2023 23:51

YerAWizardHarry · 02/07/2023 23:00

YABU because there’s a sex board..

YABU!

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 02/07/2023 23:51

YerAWizardHarry · 02/07/2023 23:00

YABU because there’s a sex board..

@YerAWizardHarry , not remotely helpful.

regustering · 02/07/2023 23:52

Icantremembermyusername · 02/07/2023 23:21

DP and I have anal sex every couple of months. I enjoy it as a treat every now and then.
However now is not the time to explore new sexual avenues. He needs to be thinking about you and your offspring and how to please you! And if that means wanking into a sock, so be it.

Treat for you?

Primrosefrill · 02/07/2023 23:52

You do realise that severe perineal tears extend to the anus?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/07/2023 23:54

Please God, or whatever deity is in charge up there, my daughter doesn’t end up with a man like this. 🙏😓

Ericaequites · 02/07/2023 23:56

Did your husband break both his hands? Just say no if you don’t want anal. Your husband needs to grow up and respect your needs.

LuvSmallDogs · 02/07/2023 23:56

Anyone else think it's funny (not haha funny) that the bloke's bright idea for getting intimacy going again doesn't involve something gentle, non-penetrative and pleasurable for OP (cough, clitoris, cough)?

Nah, just chuck her in at the deep end with something we haven't tried before, that a lot of women are nervous to try anyway, that is incredibly unlikely to make her come and might hurt her or embarrass her if it's not as "clean" as it is in porn.

The man has all the sensitivity of a brick to the face.

Thedogscollar · 02/07/2023 23:57

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

Another midwife seconding this. Absolutely NO WAY should you consider this to appease him. Your are still getting over childbirth and the healing process is ongoing. Third/fourth degree tears will require reviews with colorectal surgeons to ensure all is functioning properly.

I bloody well wish men could experience just one hour of the pain of childbirth and having your perineum ripped open. Wonder if he'd be so keen for anal sex if it were him.

Topseyt123 · 02/07/2023 23:57

I had a third/fourth degree tear when I had DD1 and still could hardly sit down comfortably six months later. It is perfectly possible to not yet be fully healed.

Your husband is clearly not the expert he considers himself to be if he can't understand that simple fact.

I'd have told him to get to fuck.

eastegg · 02/07/2023 23:57

Primrosefrill · 02/07/2023 23:52

You do realise that severe perineal tears extend to the anus?

I think many on here don’t.

FlorineFleur · 02/07/2023 23:59

He's been watching porn while you've been recovering from having a baby. I wouldn't do it.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 02/07/2023 23:59

AndTheSurveySays · 02/07/2023 23:02

JFC I can't even begin to describe how violent my reaction would be to such a suggestion as a solution intimacy issues so soon after birth. Wtf.

Well isn't he a prince? He's selfish and inconsiderate. Stupid boy.