Husband wants to try anal

[Somethingdiferent]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

You don’t seem to understand that there is no argument, think what you want. No one on this thread wants or needs your agreement. And no one is going to change their minds no matter how much you attempt to force your own way.

You can’t control others opinions, you’ve made it very clear how you feel about said opinions. And in return had it made very clear to you that you will not be changing their minds.

Why are you still hammering the same point home, we’ve heard you. You’ve droned on and on about it. You think it’s a homophobic statement, everyone else doesn’t.

What are you wanting from this?

It's not true that it will definitely hurt, that's only if you are not relaxed/aroused enough.

However, I agree why not hand and mouth if you are unsure about this? I think it's was very insensitive of him to raise this now when you aren't feeling comfortable about sex. It's a total disregard of your feelings and is about getting him off, not you.

There we go again with this ‘not feeling comfortable’ stuff, as if all OP has to do is get over some psychological barrier, relax enough and all will be well. Instead of it being a physically perilous thing to attempt, which, frankly, it is.

Are you another poster who hasn’t spotted the 3rd/nearly 4th degree tear, or hasn’t bothered to consider the implications of it?

And as for the quibbling over ‘definitely’ let’s say I would be prepared to bet a very large amount of money that, in OP’s shoes, which is what the pp was talking about, it would hurt.

The main point for the OP is that she’s recovering from a birth injury.

Regardless of how enjoyable anal might be for others, it wouldn’t be advisable for her to try it until she’s fully healed. If she’s not healed enough for vaginal sex, she’ll risk reopening the wound if she tries anything in that area. Her DH is being dim.

The woman has had her undercarriage ripped open from one side to the other ffs! Of course it’s going to hurt 🤦‍♀️

@eastegg

"I think that would be weird, but it’s what people have essentially done on this thread."

By people you mean me, say what you mean.
Also calling me disingenuous is a bit far fetched really for not commenting on her medical recovery. I'm sure her midwives would've advised her about her healing process. And I'm sure she'd rather listen to them as opposed to some random people on MN. I had a 2nd degree and was told to wait at least 6 weeks and most of all to wait until when I feel comfortable (not unlike I have suggested), feeling comfortable doesn't just mean mentally.

Sorry, you've misunderstood what I was trying to say.

It's nothing to do with trying to encourage OP to 'break down psychological barriers', it was a factual comment that it's a misconception anal sex has to hurt. If it hurts, it's not being done right. That was just a general statement and not aimed at OP.

Also, if SHE would like any sexual intimacy then yeah, I think he should be thinking about other ways (ie mouth) that might benefit OP rather than thinking only about himself and bringing up a sex act she hasn't tried before and isn't 100% on.

I've had 4 children so I'm aware of the difficulties, thanks.

Anyway I think the H sounds selfish and no, I don't think she or anyone else should do something they aren't comfortable with - obviously.

Exactly.

Some of the comments on this thread are utterly repulsive.

As I said - was talking generally.

I have had a tear and it healed within 3 months but the bottom line is, I was literally just talking generally for anyone who may have considered this but then chose not to because of misconceptions such as 'it will hurt' - generally.

Obviously if OP hasn't healed yet then yes, I'd imagine it would hurt so hardly a great idea - but PP are deliberately missing the part, in both my comments, where I said I think he is selfish to suggest it at this time and they should try other means if SHE would like sexual intimacy (penetration excluded).

So much projection by the 'repulsed' they can't read comments properly. No one is asking you to do it so chill.

@VasariMichelangelo we aren’t talking about anal generally, we are talking about the op who has a 3rd/4th degree tear and isn’t ready for penetration- in her case the chance of it not hurting are minuscule.

It isn’t relevant how other people healed after birth, or wether they enjoy anal- no one is coming to this thread for support on how to have great anal sex.

I only mentioned my healing time because everyone is different so I was trying to explain I didn't automatically think of it not being healed after 6 months - my apologies for that, I just wasn't thinking. I was replying directly to a comment about 'it will hurt' without thinking about different healing times which is why I said generally but I understand my mistake now.

However my opinion is still the same. He's selfish and it shouldn't have been suggested at a time where OP is not feeling comfortable with penetrative sex. There are other ways if she would like sexual intimacy which aren't all about her H's wants.

As an aside, I don't recall giving advice on how to enjoy anal. All I said is it shouldn't hurt.

I hate this argument- it only hurts if you don't do it properly! It's bollocks. You can be as relaxed as you like, you can take it as slowly as you like- and it can still hurt. Because, at the end of the day, the anus is not really physically suited to having an erect penis inserted into it. Before the thread man comes to lecture me, I'm not making any judgement, it's simply physical reality. It often causes pain, or at best discomfort, and unfortunately can cause real damage. Women are more susceptible due to biology, but men can end up with delightful problems like faecal incontinence (sexy!) too. And of course riskier from the point of view of STDs.

No, sorry, you don’t get to come back now and say you were talking generally. Look back at your comment I responded to. Another poster said ‘it will hurt’. You said ‘it won’t definitely hurt’. So the pp you responded to was talking about the OP. Either you were too, or you being incredibly unhelpful directly responding ‘generally’ to a comment about the OP.

Or is this just a long-winded way of saying ‘I didn’t bother with the bit of the OP that talked about a 3rd/4th degree tear’?

Your post at 18.52 contains a clear message of encouragement to anyone considering anal. So the pp’s comment about support was quite right; you are giving out support on having anal.

Oh please - ‘I was talking generally’! 🙄

We saw what you said.

And anal sex can and does hurt. Most of the time it hurts. Some women will NEVER be ‘relaxed and aroused’ enough for it not to hurt, because it’s completely unnatural for something to go up there, and it’s deeply, deeply unappealing and grim. And most men haven’t got the first clue about doing it in any sort of way that’s going to lessen the hurt.

Take your insidious urging of people to do things they do not want to do off this thread.

What exactly are you getting out of that ^^ ?

Jesus OP, you've got a lot of stuff to unfold here! 😵‍💫
MNers are another breed.

I've explained all of this. I was responding generally to a comment. Wasn't aimed at OP.

I did not give enough thought to the fact that while I healed more quickly, she has not...because I was responding generally so didn't factor in she might still be sore. And again, wasn't aimed at OP. thought the PP was talking generally.

And no, it doesn't definitely hurt if done correctly but that ONE comment was not aimed at the OP and I apologised for not thinking it through re. healing. It certainly wasn't meant to come across as encouraging her when it would hurt her and for the 100th time, I've said I think it was a shitty for her H to suggest when she isn't feeling comfortable with penetrative sex, whether that's through not healing or not feeling emotionally ready. At no point have I suggested OP try it.

Honestly, this pile up on me after a sentence which I've explained numerous times (and apologised for being thoughtless) makes a few of you sound unhinged.

Some people like anal and some don't. My 'encouragement' wasn't aimed at a lady in pain, just telling people it shouldn't hurt. No idea why people are so obsessed with me saying that. You do realise gay men do this too for enjoyment? It's not so outlandish for people to realise women can also enjoy it. If you're not into it then don't but some of the reactions are very weird and goading me into talking more about something I touched upon, then saying I'm the one who is repulsive?

Hope you're ok OP and my comment to another poster hasn't derailed your whole thread with angry ladies.

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and while you said you weren't against the idea, if you are still healing I don't think you should consider it right now. Your DH should be concentrating on your needs right now x

It only hurts if it's not done right? I don't believe you. I don't believe there is a way to do it right. I really hated it. It was uncomfortable. Some men like it because they think it feels "tighter", which is why it hurts.

Someone upthread said you have to be trained to do it. I don't want to take part in sex acts that I have to be trained to do. I'm not a circus act.

@Rosietheravisher

Someone upthread said you have to be trained to do it. I don't want to take part in sex acts that I have to be trained to do. I'm not a circus act.

Yes! Who wants to be ‘trained’ for sex? It’s a sickening thought.

So you were an expert at sexual acts from the get go? No training required, you knew exactly what you were doing?

Look, I can't speak for everyone and I didn't expect such a backlash.

As with VP, there has to be some play involved beforehand. Not everyone likes it and I didn't want to try it until partner because I didn't feel forced whereas other partners tried to spring it on me - it did hurt then. Lot of foreplay and you need to actually want to do it.

I'm not commenting any more on this thread. I'm aware I'm a grown up and don't need to reply, but I honestly feel some of you are goading me into talking about something that is an intimate act and it's making me feel a bit uneasy.

It's not for everyone, and certainly not for a women in pain. Does not mean it is always painful or men wouldn't do it either.

I'm not bitter. I am sick of people saying people only have problems from anal sex if they don't do it properly. It's a lie. Young women read this shit + think that if it hurts, it's their fault for not doing it right. It's a hateful and bullying thing to be telling anyone. I couldn't give a fuck whether you enjoy anal, don't lie about it being risk free.

This 100%.

Those of us with young daughters find this narrative honestly frightening.

@inspiredish um no? But I didn’t need someone to train me! It isn’t like learning to use a till or a bacon slicer- you just learn as you go.

Unless I’ve accidentally wandered into some sort of bdsm space? - that’s the only context I have ever heard ’sex’ and ‘training’ used in the same sentence.