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Original poster

Husband wants to try anal

470 replies

Somethingdiferent · 02/07/2023 22:58

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP posts:
Gowlett · 02/07/2023 23:29

Look, he’s just missing intimacy.
So, he’s made a silly suggestion.
I don’t think he’s pressuring?
Say no. You don’t fancy any sex.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 02/07/2023 23:29

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:23

You haven’t tried it, have you?

Show quote history

You haven’t had a 4th degree tear, have you…

HRTQueen · 02/07/2023 23:29

It’s not nice it’s uncomfortable at best and after you are left feeling your bum has something in it

oh and they can get poo on their penis even if you have prepared yourself

what isn’t there to like 🙄

Zerrin13 · 02/07/2023 23:29

Ask him he would like a hard object forced into his arsehole

BreviloquentBastard · 02/07/2023 23:30

Does he not realise how close to your vagina your butthole is? If you had a tear that's going to hurt in both "areas" no matter how much of an expert he thinks porn has made him in safe and comfortable anal sex.

Listen, I'm an adventurous and open minded person, I'm not averse to butt stuff and it can be fun and enjoyable (and not at all painful!) when done correctly, but it is not and never will be a solution to not yet being comfortable with regular PIV after a traumatic birth. If vaginal sex is still uncomfortable or painful, anal will be excruciating. Moreso if you're scared and unprepared. Please don't do this to yourself, it can be legitimately traumatising.

Tell him to acquaint himself with his hand or a fleshlight if he's so inclined and have a bit of respect for the body that just carried and birthed his child.

guineacup · 02/07/2023 23:30

I think the tone of the posts on here are excessive. It's been 6 months after the birth, not 6 days, and he has suggested anal, not demanded it. It's a reasonable suggestion, as it is a reasonable response for the OP to say "no". Clearly he needs to be more patient and support the OP to recover.

eastegg · 02/07/2023 23:31

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:23

You haven’t tried it, have you?

Show quote history

And you haven’t done it 6 months after an almost 4th degree tear, have you?

OP, does he actually know what your (3c, I’m guessing?) tear involved? What a fucking insane idea. At the very least you’d need medical advice first.

A fourth degree tear, for the handful of people who seem to have gravitated to this thread but without bothering to think about this aspect, is a tear which goes right through the perineum to the rectum.

I’m so sorry he’s being a dick.

Northernsouloldies · 02/07/2023 23:32

One orifice is out of action, so he's aiming for another. Thoughtless pig should be thinking of you and your wellbeing. Don't be terrified op just tell him it ain't fucking happening you idiot.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:33

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 02/07/2023 23:29

You haven’t had a 4th degree tear, have you…

Show quote history

No I haven’t, but I wasn’t really addressing the OP, just the poster I quoted.

I don’t think the OP should do it because she’s not long had a baby and had trauma down there, but in general, saying it will hurt is just not true because if done properly, it doesn’t hurt.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 02/07/2023 23:34

@eastegg See previous reply.

SageHearts · 02/07/2023 23:34

Fluffyrug191 · 02/07/2023 23:09

Midwife here ... A 3rd/4th degree tear is one to the muscles around your rectum. Anal is not going to be 'better' or more comfortable in relation to the trauma you sustained. Hard no from me!

This! He can wait, his needs do not come before your health, you’ve had a traumatic birth. Honestly, there’s so many selfish men out there only concerned about their own needs! Someone even suggesting anal when I was a new mum would have given me the ick, you’re tired and adjusting to a new baby and your body is still healing. Personally I’d be telling him to fuck off, this man has no respect for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/07/2023 23:36

Porn has completely normalised it, that’s why op.

it really does sound like he just wants a hole to stick it on, regardless of your trauma, regardless of your feelings. How he thinks that will improve the feeling of intimacy between you is beyond me.

mumda · 02/07/2023 23:36

Imagine a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear in your anus.

guineacup · 02/07/2023 23:36

A fourth degree tear, for the handful of people who seem to have gravitated to this thread but without bothering to think about this aspect, is a tear which goes right through the perineum to the rectum.

Apologies, I should have read more closely. Assuming the OP has told her DH the extent of her tearing, he is being a complete dick.

Suggesting anal without this context though isn't unreasonable imo so long as he accepts no for an answer.

Dreamtheimpossibledream · 02/07/2023 23:37

This makes me a bit sad. If you are not comfortable with ‘normal’ sex you are a long way from finding this comfortable. It’s an absolute no from me.

MaydinEssex · 02/07/2023 23:38

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:16

These days the amount of kinks, enough to write an encyclopedia

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It's still unnatural though isn't it?

JMSA · 02/07/2023 23:38

Because any hole is a goal.

FurryFrigginFrump · 02/07/2023 23:38

OP it’s actually quite enjoyable in the right situation with the right person, if he has quite a small penis but doesn’t work with big ones.

However as a solution to having recently had a baby and suffering significant tearing - absolutely no way!

JoeMaplin · 02/07/2023 23:38

A third degree tear means you’ve torn the muscle that controls the anal spinster. Maybe up the anus. Absolute do not do this 6 months after a 3rd degree tear. Just no.

Cucucucu · 02/07/2023 23:39

Occupy are uncomfortable with the idea it will probably not help .
Now putting his wants aside , 6 months is an awful lot of time without sex , do you think you might need some professional help to get your sex life back ? I’ve had a pretty traumatic birth and emergency c sections but my sex drive eventually returns , if you have no need for sex for 6 months that can be a issue

MaydinEssex · 02/07/2023 23:39

SophiaElizabethGrace · 02/07/2023 23:18

Helpful.

Not!

The thing is, anal sex can be great if you both want to do it. What you've described is not that, it's your husband desperate for sex, not attempting to wait until you're ready and giving no thought to what you've been through. He sounds awful.

Show quote history

It's an outlet not an inlet valve

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:41

MaydinEssex · 02/07/2023 23:38

It's still unnatural though isn't it?

Show quote history

That I am not qualified to comment on, a better person would be a medical person, or a psychologist that specialises in that area

Beseen22 · 02/07/2023 23:42

Have a Google at the diagrams of a 3C tear and show him what it involves. Both the internal and external anal sphincter have been damaged. I think anal sex would be a really bad idea.

I had a 3rd degree tear and it took about 9 months to have sex again (low libido due to constant breastfeeding didn't help). I never had any pain during sex, it was more of the thought of it being sore that was worse than the actual event.

eandz13 · 02/07/2023 23:42

guineacup · 02/07/2023 23:30

I think the tone of the posts on here are excessive. It's been 6 months after the birth, not 6 days, and he has suggested anal, not demanded it. It's a reasonable suggestion, as it is a reasonable response for the OP to say "no". Clearly he needs to be more patient and support the OP to recover.

Exactly what I was thinking. I thought I was totally missing something with these other comments!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/07/2023 23:42

I wouldn't tbh. It feels like your doing a poo. Its not sexy. Its degrading.

Your husband has been watching porn. That's why.